struggle with looking like her

[outdoorgirl]

I have not posted much, on here, I mostly get good ways of dealing with no contact and my BPDM and Enabling father from all of you. Recently I have been struggling. Here is my backstory. I have been NC with both of my parents for just a little over 4 years. I have been through counseling, have a supportive husband who has been with me since age 16 (so he knows all about my BPDM and how she has treated me over the years) and 2 supportive children who also see the BPD and narcissism that is my mom. My sister, who lives out of state has been NC for over 7 years. I wont go into the details, just that I have had a childhood and an adulthood full of eggshell walking, and pleasing her. I am now doing ok, but still suffer from low self esteem, and a bad case of always apologizing for everything.

Here is my issue. I have a huge problem with the way I look. I see her. When I look at my hands, and my knees, the freckles/moles on my skin, I am reminded of her. I am really struggling with this. I was doing ok, until I received 2 blocked voicemails from her on my phone last week, after almost 18 months of silence on her end. My brain has been flooded again, and I get really down and depressed. My husband says he sees ME when he looks at me, but I don't. My biggest fear has always been to NOT be like her.

Please let me know if any of you have any ways of coping when you look like the BPD you have escaped from. FYI, my sister, who shares the same hair and eye color as her, doesn't feel what I do at all.

[looloo]

My desire to NOT be like my Nmother has manifested in how I try to handle my looks and appearance - ever since I was about 11 or so.  My mother insisted that my hair be super short as a kid, and around 11 I asked if I could grow it out a little.  She said with such disapproval, "Do whatever you want!"  😡

In my teens I got really into playing with makeup, and I tried long acrylic nails too, for a while (Nmother thought all that was superficial and vain).  Adulthood, I started to color my hair—nothing edgy, but my mother would never color hers, so again, more judgment and disapproval.

Some things were actually healthy -  I exercise and watch my diet (pretty much  ), whereas Nmother never did.

As I get older though, I see more of a resemblance and it truly does BUG me!!  I sometimes wonder about cosmetic surgery, but I'm also trying to get more comfortable in my own skin.  In some ways I am, but the increasing resemblance that I see in the mirror really does bother me.

Do you have any tattoos or other body art?  Are you into that?  It might be nice to distinguish your SELF in that way.  Me personally, I don't want to do that, but I can imagine that would be satisfying if you did.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My family members on my uNmother's side liked to "claim" the looks of us kids. When we were in favor, we looked like our mother. When we were not, we resembled our uNfather, whom they didn't like (not that I blame them there). I don't want to be associated with either, even in looks. I dyed my hair for this very reason. And my clothing style has been deliberately very different from my mother's. You're not alone.

But the perma-scowl and the super tense posture are not present in the mirror. The smirk is never there. There is a kindness in my face. There is less and less resemblance between the soul looking back at me through my eyes and my parents, even though the shape and color of those eyes are the same.

They gave us our DNA, but the rest we create ourselves everyday by our choices.

[MamaDryad]

I relate to all of this. What Cordelia says is especially striking to me. The older we get, the more our personalities and life experiences become visible, as habitual expressions etch themselves onto our faces and into our postures. I do have the little anxiety crease between my eyebrows that my mother has. We're both anxious people. But the other lines I'm developing at almost 40 are from smiling instead of scowling or pursing my lips judgementally.

Growing up, I looked enough like my mother for her to over-identify with me and compare me to her in her youth (always at a disadvantage), but she was thinner, taller, less visibly "ethnic," and pretty in exactly the way that was in fashion in her youth. Still, I was very obviously her daughter, and I dealt with it the way others here mention-- with hair cuts, colors, makeup, tattoos, and piercings she would never have worn.

[Amadahy]

I do resemble my Nmom. I wish I didn't, but I try not to dwell on it. I differentiate with a different hairstyle and clothing choices. I wear makeup and big earrings, whereas she does not. I smile and laugh uproariously, whereas she does not. I am health conscious, whereas she is not.  I expect in a few months to lose a significant amount of weight (my obesity the result of emotional eating) and look less like her. So, I do get that "crap!" response for a split second when looking in the mirror, but it is incentive to grow into myself, and to be thankful that I can.

[SerenityCat]

Here is my issue. I have a huge problem with the way I look. I see her. When I look at my hands, and my knees, the freckles/moles on my skin, I am reminded of her.

I've experienced some of this myself. My sister had even more difficulties with this.

I approached this as a need to change a habit. When I looked in the mirror I told myself something new. Our minds, when focused on something, may tend to see "more" of it. Because that is our habit.

So I sought out what is mine. It does not matter if I have similarities with my parents, that is genetic. But I am not my parents. I've broken the chains of abuse and I am separate and individuated from them.

It helped me a lot too to look at the larger picture. For instance, say I have heritage from a certain region in the U.K., and when I look at photos of folks from that region, I can find similarities. I come from countless people, not just my parents.

I claim my entire being. I belong to myself. Nature and nurture all have a role. I work with what I have.

In your shoes, I might look at myself in the mirror and say "I'm pretty cool" "I'm a survivor" "I'm doing good" "I like my eyes" I'm grateful that my body works as well as it does" "My freckles and moles are mine - no one else's" "This is me".

If my abusive mom was too much in my thoughts, I would tell those thoughts to float right through and then I would focus on something healthy.

I'm continuing to learn how to use my mind as my friend instead of as an enemy. I believe that you, and anyone, can do so also.

[outdoorgirl]

Thank you so much for the replies.  I have gotten a tatto which is something my mother would have NEVER aloud or done. It does give me comfort in knowing I am not the only who has this way, and that it is possible to overcome it. I needed to hear that from you all. 

[Lillith65]

I have been having thesame feelings since going NC just over a year ago. I think I need to change my hairstyle as it is the same as my UPDM's, but I can't do anything about my hands and my handwriting.

I also often feel like her when I adopt certain postures or do a particular task. It feels very strange.

I do a lot of exercise - especially yoga and I practice meditation and behave in ways that are very different to my UPDM - often deliberately so. It all helps.

I am going to take some of the advice on this thread, so thank you.

[JustKat]

This has been a huge issue for me. HUGE.

Of the three children, I'm the only one who looked like Nmother, and the resemblance is so strong I look like her clone. When I was a teen, people commented on it all the time and she would taunt me over how much I looked and sounded like her. As others have mentioned, even my handwriting is identical to hers. When I was younger I was able to do things to change my appearance; colored my hair, wore make-up and had long painted fingernails (something she hated), worked out hard so that my body was athletic looking and different from hers. Getting older changed everything.

My mother always looked old and mean, even when she was younger. Once I got to be about 40 I started to look more like her and began to really hate my face. The self-loathing got so bad that I had some cosmetic surgery done in an attempt to look younger, but I'm 60 now and there's only so much I can do.

I honestly don't know how to cope with this one. I don't want to look in the mirror anymore. All I see is the face of my abuser looking back at me. As Lillith65 said, I often feel that I actually am her when I see my reflection.

Like outdoorgirl, I've gotten a few tattoos, something Nmother was disgusted by. I've been thinking about getting another one, a song lyric or quote about empowerment. Maybe that will give me a better sense of self. I hope so, anyway. This is a really difficult one to deal with. There's only so much we can do to change our physical appearance. Their rotten DNA is the gift that keeps on giving.

[KeepingMyBlue]

I could be her twin. Ppl thought we were sisters, which she just ate up. Our baby pictures are the same.

I saw somewhere, "Embrace your inner tween." If you get an urge to change your hair style or color, do it...temporarily at first, in case it backfires. I put big silk flowers in my hair. I tried makeup again. I am completely changing my wardrobe to a more professional look.

For me, the wardrobe is scratching that itch. She was content to wear men's work pants and thrift shop stuff. I buy clothes that actually fit, and got adventurous with fashion, and it's a blast!

The inner critic was loud at first, but whispers now...at least about that. The compliments are louder! And I think she wouldn't recognize me from the back, at least. This face, well, it's mine too. I didn't choose it, but it's smiling more these days.

Blue

[KeepingMyBlue]

I have been having thesame feelings since going NC just over a year ago. I think I need to change my hairstyle as it is the same as my UPDM's, but I can't do anything about my hands and my handwriting.

I've noticed my handwriting has actually changed without even trying to. It's not so small and afraid anymore, and several letters are very different. I could blame how much I type for work, but I quite like the changes.  I hope you find peace in the lack of changes if yours doesn't.

[Riggo199]

YES!  And, it used to really bother me!  My mannerisms, drive, looks...so much like her.  One day, I decided to STOP that thinking and to work really hard to be a kind, compassionate and caring person to everyone I meet.  To just be a really good person...inside and out.  THIS was something my mother NEVER was.  Once I focused on this and worked more on myself.....I didn't "See" her so much in me anymore.  I now see ME. 

Hope this helps.

[Lillith65]

Hi Riggo,

Yes, it definitely improves when I stop thinking about her and her behaviour. The more I focus on being me, the less I feel like here - although sometimes it just pops up.

[all4peace]

I understand. I've been told my whole life how much I look like my mom. When I was younger, she was repeatedly called my "sister" by people who didn't know us. It made me sick and it made her preen. She was violent, abusive, neglectful. She was the person I most wanted to not be like. I've had trauma triggers in which I've let out torrents of pain and the only relief I could find was in saying over and over "I'm not like her. I'm not like her!"

Really, the thing that helped me most is going to sound strange. I had pretty significantly traumatic therapy experiences in which I had to face the ways I WAS like her. If I disavowed everything my mother is, then I would actually be losing a lot of myself. Because even though she is very disturbed, she is also creative, hardworking, fun (if you like her kind of fun), strong, persevering. And she is violent, nonstop deceitful, controlling, manipulative, conniving and completely self-absorbed.

The fact was, the more I tried to be NOT HER in any way, the less I was able to look at myself as I truly am, face my shadow side, work through the damage and be fully me. Instead of being ME, I was trying to be NOT HER! if that makes sense.

So, here's the truth, I can be controlling, I can deceive myself, I can manipulate in ways I see as far more benign than she does. AND I'm working hard, facing the shadows, digging into the depths to clean out old wounds and healing. I am ME, and some of me shares qualities with her, just as I do with all other humans on this planet.

I look like my mom. Sometimes I see her hands when I look at mine, even worse sometimes her eyes when I look at mine. I cannot fully divorce her from me, as I share family, history and genes. But I don't need to divorce her from me to be the very best me possible. I am a woman who looks like my mother, and I am a woman who has been able to take a long and painful family history and start healing some of those wounds, to hopefully stop the generational trauma in its tracks, to give my own daughter and son a much different story.

I'm focusing on living out my purpose in my life. I'm no longer trying to not be like her. Now I'm trying to become the most me possible. This is hard and real. I hope what everyone has shared has helped.

[JustKat]

I've noticed my handwriting has actually changed without even trying to. It's not so small and afraid anymore.....

This describes EXACTLY what my handwriting once looked like ... small and afraid. It's only been the last few years that my handwriting has become more bold and less like hers, but for most of my life it did look small and afraid. Maybe part of me really was afraid to be expressive with my handwriting. Nmother taught me how to write and was very strict about me staying between the lines and making the letters perfect.

It's interesting to hear from other people who have the identical handwriting as their mother. I've always wondered why mine was indistinguishable from hers. Was it just in the DNA, or was it because our mothers taught us how to write? Or maybe both?

[Fiasco]

I'm not 100 percent sure this relates but your question resonated with me. I'm actually adopted but I have naturally curly hair. BPDm would brush my hair so severely to ruin my curls and turn my hair into a frizzy but straight mess. Meanwhile she spent hours every day curling her stick straight hair. I didn't realize how creepy it was that she was attempting to both copy my hair and ruin my hair at the same time until I was an adult.

[blacksheep7]

I can relate.  While I was healing coming Out of the FOG, I was looking at myself in the mirror and I thought omg I have the same hair color (dyed) as her.  The worst part is I'm the one who suggested that she change her hair color being black and getting grey hairs it would give her a softer/younger look .  She  hasn't changed it for years and it never bothered me until Out of the FOG. 

Thank goodness that I get light streaks twice a year and have kept my hair long,it was always kept short and curly until I went to high school and would straighten it, no curling irons then.
I had a pass with my picture when I was 12 and the man asked me if it was my brother...this traumatized me because I didn't like the way I looked in the first place.

I have  a couple of tattoos that I got later in life which  didn't bother her.  Sometimes I wouldn't understand her, strict and reserved for certain things and couldn't care less for others.  She just wanted me to be enmeshed, at her service.

[Lillith65]

Really, the thing that helped me most is going to sound strange. I had pretty significantly traumatic therapy experiences in which I had to face the ways I WAS like her. If I disavowed everything my mother is, then I would actually be losing a lot of myself. Because even though she is very disturbed, she is also creative, hardworking, fun (if you like her kind of fun), strong, persevering. And she is violent, nonstop deceitful, controlling, manipulative, conniving and completely self-absorbed.

The fact was, the more I tried to be NOT HER in any way, the less I was able to look at myself as I truly am, face my shadow side, work through the damage and be fully me. Instead of being ME, I was trying to be NOT HER! if that makes sense.
....".............I am a woman who looks like my mother, and I am a woman who has been able to take a long and painful family history and start healing some of those wounds, to hopefully stop the generational trauma in its tracks, to give my own daughter and son a much different story.

I'm focusing on living out my purpose in my life. I'm no longer trying to not be like her. 

This is such an important and interesting contribution. While I understand your point of view, right now I am in the process of adjusting to NC. Thinking about the good things that my mother does and her positive qualities raises tremendous guilt and anxiety in me. This is because I start questioning my reasoning and my experience. One of the major destructive behaviours of my FOO was to deny or minimise my feelings and experiences.

It is going to take a longer period of time for me to integrate my feelings and experiences regarding my mother and I am having therapy to help with this, among other things.

Thanks for sharing all4peace.

[all4peace]

Lillith, for SURE don't attempt this if it doesn't feel right. I absolutely needed to see only the darkness for a very long time to be able to create enough space to begin healing. Seriously, I'm just sharing my journey and it most certainly will not be the way everyone does it. Thank you for understanding that and yet still sharing that this was triggering. I am sorry it triggered you.

[Lillith65]

.........and yet still sharing that this was triggering. I am sorry it triggered you.

Hi All4Peace, Thank you so much for your response. It gives me hope that this journey is not finished 👭