It's wrong for you to resent me for my past "mistakes"

[Writingthepain]

After yesterday's confrontation rather than responding to what shes done to me in the past, feeling remorseful and wanting to make amends. My npd moms response was to condemn me for being resentful of her past abuse. Apparently I now have to forget that and move on but... but... she will only agree to stop her abusive behaviour if I don't ever "behave badly by being resentful" again.
I've pointed out that this is double standard and hypocritical but apparently that's bad behaviour too

[StayWithMe]

This is what is meant by the circular talk.  Your discussions with your mother are never going to make sense.  In fact, she may enjoy the way you expose yourself to her for more fun.

I could see that smirk on my mother's face whenever I was trying to make snes of things.

[Hazy111]

 

The classic circulatory conversation. You never get satisfaction, nothing ever gets resolved.

[p123]

I get similar. I finally lose it with my Dad and explode. He apologises.....

Two weeks later hes doing the same thing. I point this out. He accuses me of picking on him and bringing up things from the past.....

[Andeza]

Also, double standard to the max! You aren't supposed to bring up their abuse from the past, but they think they've got every right to bring up stuff you did... Or didn't do depending on the pd.

But yeah, it'll never make sense. So long as they can keep us dancing around trying to figure it out, they win in a way. After all, a circular conversation is still a conversation. And every conversation holds the potential for supply.

[moglow]

she will only agree to stop her abusive behaviour if I don't ever "behave badly by being resentful" again. I've pointed out that this is double standard and hypocritical but apparently that's bad behaviour too

Ah yes, she gets a clean slate to continue on unhampered, while you get - more of the same?? Your "bad behavior" is such because you dare to disagree with her shiny pink bubble of herself? Um okay.

I've also gotten the "you can't leave the past in the past!" accusation while having all manner of real and imagined wrongs of the past flung at me, most of which have nothing whatsoever to do with me. My guess is, mother has no current life or information so she clings desperately to the past. And her version of the past is dark and twisted. And it twists and turns it to her liking depending on the moment. With fewer and fewer witnesses, it's easy for her to paint it whatever color she wants. But WE get to decide if those colors are true.

Fact is, none of us live in a shiny pink bubble, not in real life. It's pretty on the outside but it has cracks and smears and is stifling. We can't change others, not by asking or bargaining or making comparisons. You've already seen that trying to talk with her about it gets you nowhere but a whole new and improved list of "wrongs".

She can continue on the way she is - while you change the way you respond to her, if you choose to respond at all. You get to decide what to do with what she throws at you, because throw it she will. YOU decide on your boundaries and you enforce them! Don't think for a minute she'll respect or honor them, and don't expect her to. Move forward with that in mind and do what's needed for yourself.
Think of what she does/says that is abusive and offensive, say during a phone call. Think of how best to shut it down going forward. I'm not saying "mom I've asked you to not talk to me that way" - I mean shut it down: "If you want to continue this conversation, I'll need you to talk to me as you'd like to be spoken to." "I NEED," not uber polite and tiptoeing through it yet again while you're hurting and gritting your teeth to maintain your temper. If she ramps it up a notch, you dial back. Change the subject. Change it again if she continues on. Give her the opportunity to change.

You *always* have the option to end the conversation or visit, quietly and politely with "This doesn't seem to be a good time. We'll have to talk some other time." Would I be specific with "other"? Possibly not. I need time to cool off and let it go, and apparently so does she. If she were to push, I might say "I'll call you [pick a day about four-five days out] evening. Goodbye." Then don't answer the phone. Don't respond to texts. Don't reach out and feel you need to apologize for being abrupt.

What I'm saying is, you can't expect her to respect your wishes - you have to live your boundaries. Nothing less than action on your part will protect you from further harm and give you what you need to heal. You CAN do this!

[StayWithMe]

You should really stop arguing with your mother.  It shows that you care too much.  People know to get worried when you stop talking about things.

[Twinkletoes88]

This is the worst. I feel for you.

My mother has only ever said things along the lines of "you need to move on", "stop holding a grudge", "lots of people had it far worse than you".....

She has NEVER, ever, apologised to me after i confronted her - never. She genuinely does not feel she's done anything wrong and so she thinks I am deluded (oh and my husband and therapist have brainwashed me).

I know its so hard, but you are best off not bothering with this conversation. It really is pointless. I imagine you are so angry and so upset, write it here, write in a journal, talk to friends/OH etc but don't waste your breath on PD parents - it just gives them more fuel.

[athene1399]

Every time I tried to talk to my parents about something like this I'm usually told "what you're upset about isn't really all that bad", "If you would have told us that bothered you, we would have done x", "We didn't know you felt that way"... it always gets spun around like I'm the one with the problem. And the "we didn't know you felt that way" used to work on me until I realized they did know I felt that way about something and just didn't care.

So I kind of agree with the some of the others, if you talk to your parent(s) about it, you won't get anywhere and it will just lead to more frustration and pain on your end. I keep myself emotionally distant from my parents. i don't tell them what's bother me or what I'm looking forward too. I keep it to small talk. Anything else they will use against me or make me feel stupid.

You have every right to be mad about what happened. Let yourself experience the pain and anger your parent doesn't want you to. Once you finally work through the emotions we were never allowed to have, you will start to feel better. No one deserves to be abused. No matter how "bad" they act.  That is no excuse for your mom's behavior. It's probably "bad" behavior whenever you don't agree with her.

[Fortuna]

This is where she tries to be able to do as I say not as I do. I would suggest not falling for it.
My mom tried this when I told her I wanted her to have more civility when talking to me. She turned it around calling a two way street and any time my voice modulated (Surprise, shock, anything other than a flat monotone) she'd call me out on my tone. (I recorded the conversation and made sure my tone was not uncivil. Meanwhile she raised her voice and mocked me, but that was only her being 'animated'.
It's a complete double standard. don't expect her to change any behavior no matter what you do. She will take not acting resentful as leave to do whatever she wants.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I agree with the other posts here.

You're likely being toyed with, because after all, your parents are never wrong, and they'll just say whatever to keep you in your cage.

The very idea that you think they are wrong and need to be corrected flys in the face of their parental authority over you, so they'll just say whatever until you finally get through 'this phase' of yours. Children cannot correct parents, heaven forbid!

It never ends, and that's one of the reasons that I decided to go NC for good.

[sunofanarc]

After yesterday's confrontation rather than responding to what shes done to me in the past, feeling remorseful and wanting to make amends. My npd moms response was to condemn me for being resentful of her past abuse. Apparently I now have to forget that and move on but... but... she will only agree to stop her abusive behaviour if I don't ever "behave badly by being resentful" again.
I've pointed out that this is double standard and hypocritical but apparently that's bad behaviour too

What I love is the Infantilization/Parentification pattern hiding in this. We've been told by some to "honor your parents" regardless of their mistakes. The implication being that you are the child so you must obey your parents (infantilization) but if they hurt you, you need to be the "adult" and take the the high road and "forgive." So am I the child or the parent? Oh, I am both? Cool, thanks.

[moglow]

... We've been told by some to "honor your parents" regardless of their mistakes....

And there's always that. I have no problem honoring parents, any parents and all lifeforms for that matter. I also feel compelled and responsible for honoring *myself*. She doesnt have to like it or agree. I am/was often told just as stated by Fortuna above, "do as I say not as i do" - no consideration for me having any rights to or expectation of common decency and good manners. No, I'm the "child" and as such she can do whatever she wants while her expectation is that I swallow it whole - and smile while I ask for more of the same

I'm trying harder to bracket any response in a very general golden rule way, as in: you dont get a pass for bad behavior, whoever you are. Treat me as you want to be treated or leave me the hell alone if you can't. I wont necessarily retaliate if you fail, but I will limit my exposure based on my experience with you.