How do you handle it when your parent's friends blame you?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am VLC with my parents. They have many friends and a few of them I got close to through the years. My parents have various medical issues, but are getting along. In the past, I have done a lot to help my parents such as helping them find a new doctor when their previous one retired, arranging various services to get them help with home repairs, and recently when my sister's son got married I went out and got my mom a dress to wear since she has limited mobility and my sister was "too busy" with the wedding plans to take our mom shopping.  I actually offered to help them find in-home assistance with daily chores, but my parents refused saying they think they can still manage on their own.  Several months ago I was talking to one of my mom's friends who lives in her neighborhood and had come over to help her after she fell. Mom was shaken up but otherwise physically alright. My mom's friend mentioned that her husband openly questioned why I was not helping our parents out more. I live an hour drive away and work full time. I cannot physically fulfill all my parent's daily needs. I also am sure my parents do not tell their friends what I actually have done for them. 
   
My parents are both NPD and my older sister has been the golden child with me as scapegoat. These are dynamics that you just cannot get outsiders to understand. That is also part of the reason I instilled boundaries and am VLC.  I responded to my mom's friend by saying actually I have done a lot, but my offers to get outside assistance for them have been refused and I cannot physically meet their needs.  The conversation ended on that note. 

I am not going to alter my boundaries or sacrifice myself for the benefit of my parents. I have been there and done that and not doing it again. So, my question is, how do you deal with shame, blame and projection from outsiders?

[all4peace]

I see this as a boundaries issue. Others are allowed to think and believe what they want to, and we're allowed to see it differently. It can get really painful when we feel a need deep within us to convince others to see it as we do.

I think these situations are a great opportunity for MC comments such as: "I understand that we're not going to see this the same way. That's ok. I'm doing my best in this situation, and with the demands of my own life. Say, what do you think about XYZ "breaking news"?" And change the subject.

Sometimes I think that people in our parents' generation have very strong feelings because they're being forced to see something that makes them deeply uncomfortable--family estrangement, parents whose adult children DON'T do 100% of their care, etc. If our parents' generation believes that things "should" be a certain way, and then in our situation they are NOT that certain way, it can be confusing and unsettling.

In my extended family, there is a tremendous amt of violence and addiction. AND my extended family is a "deeply loving family who cares more about family than anything else." That means I am expected to "get over it" even though nobody has ever asked what "it" is that is creating separation between me and my parents. Since everyone has suffered in their individual families, and everyone still gets together at the holidays and loves and smiles at everyone else, I am clearly the problem who hasn't figured out how to do this better. It's simply not in my extended family's belief system that ANYthing could be bad enough to separate a family. If they faced that possibility, then they'd have to face the possibility that every single one of their family systems is susceptible to estrangement and separation (or, of course, each family could fully face the trauma and damage, acknowledge the abuse, and try to heal and grow, but that's unlikely so far).

Do you see what I'm saying? We believe what we believe, and when someone behaves in a way that doesn't match our beliefs it is easier to make them "wrong" than to examine our entire belief system and way of being in the world. At least that's how I see it.

Either way, it is painful for you and I am sorry for that. It's painful to be with your parents, and it's painful to be challenged by others who don't think you're there "enough" with your parents. That hurts. At some point we have to settle into the fact that others may not agree with us. At least here we understand.

[moglow]

Not that mother actually has friends that I know of, but I do know that acquaintances and family members have made comments over the years. Every time I spoke with mother until about a month ago, she went on and on about how I "don't know what's going on here because you're never around." Well no - I have full time and part time jobs, and I live almost two hours away.

Yes, I could visit and "help" but that would be on a very limited basis and I'm not equipped to fix her house, knees, dogs, vehicle, etc. We could barely get through a phone conversation with civility and frankly I don't care to be around her. And I was to "visit" to what purpose? Listen to her rant and gripe in person while her dogs bark incessantly and she yells at them?

Fact is, people seem to have very definite ideas what kind of relationships we are supposed to have, all evidence to the contrary. You'd think some might cotton on to the fact that if a someone chooses little/no relationship with someone [anyone], there's usually good reason. There's no common ground, if not outright animosity on either or both sides. And we're supposed to feed that?

I won't lie, there is a certain amount of guilt on my part that I don't and won't make the effort. I just don't see the point. Mother has shown me in any number of ways and even said outright that she resents and dislikes me. Her rants and rages have pushed me where I want nothing to do with them and by extension, her.

BUT, I do believe that some see and have been exposed to what we have. I believe that mask has slipped "out there" and at least some people know and see who she/they really are. Again, if no one is coming around, there's a reason. But to the root of it - other people's opinions don't reflect or change who we are. They know what they're *allowed* to see, what she presents to and has told them. It may or may not be any version of reality of which we're aware. Given some of the things I've heard my mother say about others, there's a certain comfort in that when you get right down to it - I still know the truth and she chooses her version.

I dunno if that helps any, but I hope so.

[Hazy111]

F*** 'em . Their opinions are irrelevant , they dont know the truth and probably arent interested in knowing. 

[p123]

F*** 'em . Their opinions are irrelevant , they dont know the truth and probably arent interested in knowing.

Hazy I like it. Spot on.

I'm sure we've all been there. Dad is a master at coming over as a sweet old man. His cousin used to be constantly on my case - it was awful. Then Dad decided that cousin (whos only three years younger) wouldn't mind pushing him around once or twice a week.

As usual Dad went steamrolling in with things like "You don't mind, do you?" without a thought for anyone else. His cousin did it for a few times, couldn't do it, made himself ill etc. Doesn't do it now and no longer bothers me.

I found it VERY funny indeed to be honest. (I'm going to hell!).

Hes latched onto cousin for all his hospital appointments now. (I arranged taxis, patient transport etc and refused to take him BUT no he wanted someone to take him). Cousin will realise soon hes been roped into a life sentence of free taxis back and fore hospital soon. Unlucky.

[Sidney37]

I think you answered the question  very well.  I guess others might say it's a bit of JADEing, but you don't live there and they have refused your offers for outside help.  There is no other answer.  What do they expect you do to?  Quit your life and move there?  No. 

It's hard knowing what to say.  I struggled with it when I was still in contact and refused to visit because the PD behavior was worse in the home I grew up in than my own.  Now I'm NC, they are getting older and I'm sure I'll struggle with what to say when they need more care.

[proudblacksheep]

F*** 'em . Their opinions are irrelevant , they dont know the truth and probably arent interested in knowing.

This is where I eventually ended up as well.  I'm not claiming things aren't awkward or painful sometimes in these situations, but, in general, shits not given.  As far as I'm concerned, the only difference here is that I somehow found the balls to admit who my parents are, regardless of what it makes me look like, and do what I have to for my own family (wife, kids, myself).  If the situation was normal, none of this would be happening to you, so it's really not on you.

[Gaining Clarity]

What do they expect you do to?  Quit your life and move there?  No.

I actually did move "there" to help after two decades living in a place I loved. It was a huge (and expensive) sacrifice on many levels. I was almost immediately ostracized and then accused of "not helping"  even though I have a record of every instance when I did help and those when I attempted to help but was rebuffed.

When I could no longer take the blatant verbal and emotional abuse doled out to me and my FOC, I went NC. FOO started smearing me to everyone I knew and then some. Saying that I ruined and deserted the family.

A lot of people have turned their backs on me and judged me. I say nothing. Quite frankly, it just isn't a good use of my time or energy. In a weird way, I've got the last laugh because everyone of those judgmental people also has been smeared for years by my FOO. They've smeared them to me many times-some really ugly things too. Those people just don't know it because I didn't buy what FOO was selling and didn't let it unduly influence how I conducted myself around those people.

The old me would have been in turmoil over the people that believe the smears. Now, I subscribe to Hazy111's sage advice

Blueberry Pancakes: Don't let them make you feel shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about. It's their guilt and shame, even those who are listening to the smearing. They just want you to own it instead of them.

[StayWithMe]

My mom's friend mentioned that her husband openly questioned why I was not helping our parents out more. I live an hour drive away and work full time. I cannot physically fulfill all my parent's daily needs. I also am sure my parents do not tell their friends what I actually have done for them. 

Your mom's friend is blaming her curiosity on her husband.  For something like this I would say, "If it's that important to your husband, then tell him to give me a call and I'll explain."  I bet you won't hear from them again.

[Psuedonym]

StayWithMe,

Ding ding ding! 'Her husband openly questioned'. Bullshit. If I had to bet, I'd put my money on your mother's friend being sick of hearing the non-stop complaining and was strong-armed into this 'observation' by your dear old mom. Hazy has the right idea. It's none of her $#@%in business. I think people raised in a non PD household might more easily arrive at that conclusion. We get it. Hang in there!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Just a note of thanks to all who replied. Your insights really do help on this road.