Feeling Almost Insane

[Tricia64]

Hi,

I am posting a lot because I am having so much trouble.  I feel like I am losing my mind.

I sent angry emails to my sisters and fought all day.

Truthfully, I hoped I could make up.  I keep hoping for a happy reunion.  I can't help it.

I have been alone for like a month almost day and night.  I have been so lonesome.

I am so afraid because I sent such horrible things to them.  I know that shows something from me.  I know I need to do something, but I don't know what.  I am such a mess with everything and I thought it would subside but I have just been alone and shunned.

I really always thought your family had your back but I feel like they are enemies to me.  I feel almost scared of them.  I know I have been saying a lot of stuff but it is just stuff about how abusive they have been.

One of my sisters always like rages on the phone.  It is like she hates me but won't admit it.  So I said about her raging and she said she was just venting about work and anyone normal would have understood that.

I feel so alone and upset and feel like I can't think straight anymore.  I feel like they are either the most horrible people going or I am the troublemaker and insane. 

I thought I could deal with this and I feel like I am not able to anymore.  I feel so beaten up and punched around and then I am told nobody did anything.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore.  I feel so messed up.

I keep trying to hold on what I believe is reality but it is like people that were supposed to love you saying that isn't the way it is.  It is like driving someone insane.

[bloomie]

Tricia64 - I am sorry you are spinning and in such pain. It is important to know you have complete and total control over what you say and what you do. Always. And if you find you are spinning out of control and hurting others with your words and deeds - even though angry, even if it seems justified because they have hurt you so badly and you are alone, it is time to get some in real life help from a trained professional - therapist and possible a medical doctor - to work through your very powerful emotions and learn to manage them without hurting yourself and others.

We can support you. And we do, but there is a limit to what we can offer you here as an online support community. What it seems like you need is some in real life help and support along with the caring you receive here.

Some resources:

For learning to handle and work with your powerful emotions:
https://www.karlamclaren.com/start-here/

For strategies and help in handling behaviors with your sisters and in yourself:
https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/12/13/non-pd-anger

For links to emergency info and hotlines:
https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

We can control our responses and ourselves and behave in respectful ways and if we are so triggered by interactions with family members that have hurt us that we are firing off emails that tear down we need to step back and take a break. Just some thoughts.

Sending healing thoughts your way.

[Tricia64]

Thank so you much Bloomie for all your thoughts.

I know my behavior is totally abnormal.  You are right.  I am going to try to get a therapist this week.

Truthfully, I just feel very sad and lost.

I can't help feeling awful. 

I realize now they are probably very damaged people from our upbringing, much more than I ever realized.  Sometimes, I guess we only see what we want to see.  The whole thing just makes me feel terribly despondent.

(I am even scared to write this) but I had been fighting with emails.  I knew I shouldn't have but I got so lonely.  But I got up the next day (yesterday) and I could see my emails but I kept getting a pop up box coming for my password.  I thought it was some kind of loop but long story short, someone had tried to break into my email. 

I mean right away I knew it was my sister (99%).  I was kind of stunned and asked what happened but the guy didn't even seem to care but I asked the time, and it was when she was sending stuff.

I was scared to confront it.  Long story short, I called and left messages saying I knew she did it and she better never do it again.

Again, long story short, i knew if it hadn't been her she wouldn't have gone ballistic.  I got nothing or any answer from anyone.  So I pretty much know she did it.

I just feel lost.  I know if I called I would never get any thanks for not making more out of it.  I am pretty sure at this point I would probably get blamed.

I honestly feel so lost and sad.  Maybe a therapist will help.  I just feel like I just want a family but I know I can't have it.

I am 55 years old.  I just don't know how to go about building another life.

I just feel like no matter what happens, I will never forgive how they have treated me.  My oldest sister seems to get joy out of my pain.  It is messing with my head so badly.

I started reading about cognitive dissonance last night.  I wish I had understood that term years ago.  It can fit so many situations in life.  I know that has messed me up badly.  If people you think you trust tell you that you are the cause even though it make logically no sense, it really can mess your thinking up.

Honestly, I never even heard of Narcissism as an illness like this before 6 months to a year ago.  I have to be honest, the whole thing with no empathy is totally throwing me.  But I completely see in my sister's action how it fits.  My sister was so angry and she wrote something like "I am threw with you."  I started to like laugh because she literally does nothing for me overall.  I mean the way she wrote it you would have thought she did things for me all the time.

I mean even as mad as i get i end up feeling really bad about stuff.  It is like, I don't really want to hurt anyone.  I just don't want to be hurt all time.

I haven't worked most of my life.  I have had severe functioning problems.  But she and a lot of other people made it their business to always say stuff.  But she is like livid even though we have no financial dealings.  It scares me the level of her anger toward me.  I use cannibas medically and she has always made wise remarks.  But she started saying about how much it cost and it was like she is sitting thinking about what I am spending and I can't even explain how violated and upset and nervous it made me.  It is like she is thinking about it all the time or a lot.

The thing is I don't care what she thinks but the fact she is obsessing on that feels so disturbing. 

I deeply loved my sisters and I feel like I am not even sure who or what they are anymore.

[athene1399]

Tricia,

I am sorry you are going through this. Do you have friends you can talk to? I also think a T could be a good idea to sort through some of the trauma.

With the angry emails you sent, maybe if you wrote them out but don't send next time. Or write in a journal so you don't accidentally send. Then you can still get out what you are feeling, but not sending angry emails to your sisters. One of the things I work on the most is emotional regulation. The best thing I learned is that even though i can't control my emotions I can control my behaviors. The other thing is I can only control myself and no one else. I work on mindfulness to try to stay calm when I am emotional. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with emotions, the mindfulness helps to keep things in perspective. And be patient with yourself. It's a lot of work.

I hope you start to feel better soon. 

[Tricia64]

Thank you for your thoughts Athene.  I appreciate all your advice.  I took DBT a couple of years ago and I find it really helpful.  I have terrible emotional regulations problems. 

I've been realizing that the truth is we all grew up in very dysfunctional family.  I started to think you can really love people but whatever the reason you are just toxic in your relationships.  Maybe when we share that background, so many topics become sore spots.

I know two of my sisters really seem to have such very bad feelings towards me.  I am realizing I have to accept the situation for what it is not what I want it to be.  It just hurts terribly.  I feel like we have all just been too damaged as a family.  It is almost like all my feelings of anger have just gone to such deep sadness.  But I know that if I talked it would all just reignite.

The thing I find really hard is being the scapegoat, it comes out looking like I did it all.  I have a brother in law who has been amazing to me through this.  He calls and we talk.  I know that sister at least cares enough to let him talk to me because she knows I am alone.  But I try to explain to him how they all almost conspire and how hard it is for me mentally.  I feel like getting blamed when I have done nothing wrong messes badly with my psyche.  When I had talked to that sister recently, she said something to me like "If you just called and acted normally," and I wanted to explode.  I call her and will talk about painting my cabinets and stuff like that and she has zero interest.  She loves trouble (until it goes farther than she meant).  But she is lecturing me.  I felt like I was in "The Twilight Zone".  I have to admit even writing makes my blood boil.

But you are def.  right.  I am just looking for a therapist now.  I have realized this is much bigger than I am able to handle.  My feelings are just way too strong.  I have terrible relationships but going no contact is going to be murder for me.  I am just so sad even writing it.  I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

I have been so alone all summer.  I just feel so hurt by them because I feel like instead of ever helping me with my husband gone, they have done almost nothing to help and only hurt.  I am 55 so I certainly didn't want to do anything big.  But I kind of hoped I could do a few things and I have just been all alone.  Honestly, I have never felt so alone in my life.  Just to be able to have a good conversation or something on the phone with people would lift my mood.  It is funny because I really love to talk about a lot of subjects, but they act like I don't when the fact is they are just like terribly angry (at least with me).  They never want to talk about something normally.  It sooooo messes with my mind.

I am also so much more aware of how much hostility 2 of my sisters carry for me.  I said a lot of angry stuff in my emails but I could really see that by things they said how much long term anger they harbor.  It actually scares me the level of feelings that can come out between people (myself included).  After the emails, I realized how badly toxic and out of control it is getting and realize I need to stop, and at the very least take a break.  But the truth is I don't feel like I have sisters anymore and I really never will again.  It just feels so hard to accept.

I keep thinking at night "One day at a time" but not having a group you belong to feels sad.   I just sometimes wonder why life has to be this sad.  It seems like it can just crush at times.

[athene1399]

I know you said your sis is "bored" when you talk of other stuff, but maybe that's what you have to do. Have you checked out the site's toolbox? It explains about medium chill, grey rock, and how not to JADE. I have to talk to my mom about boring stuff because if I don't she'll turn it around on me. It has to be something neutral or I get upset when she says I shouldn't be upset by it or whatever. And if your sister doesn't want to talk about your cabinets, well... that's all you have going on so I guess the conversation ends. You can always try to stick to stuff like that and see if they conversations get better. and if sis doesn't want to talk about the cabinets and ends the conversation, then that's on her.

I know you are upset by being the scapegoat, but if you try to get others on your side it may make them uncomfortable or it may reinforce their feelings about you. it really sucks, but there's no easy fix when others say things that are untrue about you. You kind of have to pretend it isn't going on and find a healthy outlet for your frustrations. So maybe try to leave your family out of it. Maybe there's a close friend you can vent to. It sounds like your BIL will listen to you. It's amazing that you have him.

It sounds like if you bring this up with your family, they will just spin it around on you. I really feel for you. I have been the scapegoat and had to hear about my perfect sister (who is perfect becasue she is still enmeshed with M). I know how frustrating that can be. But if you try to tell your family what is really going on, it will probably just make you more frustrated becasue they won't listen or will spin it like you are the bad guy. 

[Tricia64]

Thank you again Athene for your advice.

Again, this is all so new to me even though it has been happening so long. 

I think I def. have to take some time off now.  The truth is my sisters wouldn't want to talk to me anyway.  I said so much stuff that I have held in for years.  It is funny, it feels good to let my feelings out but then I am alone at the end. 

I realize that for whatever reason, my family situation is so toxic for me and my family.  I am not sure there is any way back.  I have my BIL now (you are right, I am lucky).  The truth is I know he wants to help, but I know it is not fair to do that to him.  It is just too much especially when people are involved with the family.  I just wouldn't have believed this could happen.

I have been thinking about it so much and analyzing it.  I realized that since my husband died and I am alone now, my sister (closest in age and pretty abusive to me)  almost seems to have reverted back in some weird way (it seems to me???) to when I met him (We met when I was 21 and I am now 55).  When I was married, she could not really get involved in things, but now she thinks she has the right to ask me all personal questions.  It is really so bizarre sometimes when I think about it.

The thing that really bothers me is almost feels like stalking kind of behavior.

The truth is I have never really been alone the way I am now.  I am lucky enough not to be in a horrid financial situation but I am not certainly set.  I am trying to make my best choices but it feels like she has been hovering and always giving me really bad advice that just amounts to saving money in the short term.  It really throws me to think that she and my other sisters are thinking of my finances.  It creeps me out the way they act.

This has all just thrown me with all the changes and not many people to turn to. 

Thanks again Athene and I hope things are going well for you.