Waif mother

Started by Spirit in the sky, August 03, 2019, 01:41:36 AM

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Spirit in the sky

I have only recently discovered this term and it describes my mother perfectly.

To the outside world she's this lovely cheerful of lady, full of joy and happiness. While at home she's constantly in 'poor me' mode.

Actually my mother an I have always been close but now I realise that because she needed me close, and kept me close. She is useless in a crisis and repeats on a loop 'I can't cope' ' why is this happening to me' 'I must have been bad in a previous life, I'm being punished'. Most of the time the 'problem' isn't even hers, it's happening to someone else but she feels the needs to have a breakdown.

It's amazing how much she gets away with, being so weak and vulnerable. My dad is constantly in and out of hospital and she hasn't visited him once, it would be too traumatic for her. Everything is a drama and if you call her out on her waifiness she starts crying.

She has happily dumped all her problems on me over the years, her marriage problems, my dad's alcoholism, her unsolved issues with her own mother. I'm an only child and discovered last year the term Adult Child. I'm still working through the years of conditioning and programming.

Currently my dad is in hospital due to not taking responsibility for his health issues. My mother is in full waif mode because she can't cope. No idea what she can't cope with, she resents him when he's at home moaning about his illnesses. She's not visiting him, so she must be waiting for attention.

I am learning my lesson, I didn't intervene when my dad refuses to see a doctor. Eventually he phoned himself, and I haven't visited him in the hospital.
I'm being cool and distant with my mother, not asking how she is because she starts the 'woe is me act'. Not visiting, but phoning instead and just letting her wollow in her own misery because she seems to like it there.

I have spent most of my life trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Funnily enough she can she the faults in everyone around her but refuses to take responsibility for herself.

Boat Babe

Welcome to the forum. Sorry that you have had to find us but glad to have you on board.
I suggest that you start doing some work on yourself first and foremost because you can't work on them. So give yourself a bit of distance, in real time and space as well as emotionally. You don't need to announce this, just start doing it. There's some great advice on the various PD parent threads here.
My mum is a waif and it still occasionally drives me up the wall and I am 62! But, I am getting much better at not reacting emotionally to her crap and she is dialling it down somewhat as a result. I also live 100 miles away which helps!
Given that your dad is alcoholic, you might benefit from the AA meetings for family members of alcoholics.
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That's a good place to start with both your parents. Good luck
It gets better. It has to.

Spirit in the sky

I recognise a lot of co-dependant traits in myself. Having been my mother's emotionally support system all my life, some part of me is also addicted to that role as caretaker.

Obviously she isn't going to change so I need to stop feeling responsible for her, and concentrate on myself. I've had a lot of difficult relationships coming to a head recently and I'm learning to live with the intial discomfort and trust things will get back. So far I've made progress with my NMIL and my irresponsible father.

For a long time I believed these people would see the hurt and distress they were causing me and improve their behaviour, unfortunately they are so self obsessed they couldn't care less about the damage they inflict on others.


p123

Oh the "I cant cope why does this happen to me" thing....

I arranged for a new carpet to be fitted in my Dads living room (old one was threadbare). I arranged it, paid for it, arranged to make sure the fitter was going to move the furniture all of it. So fitter calls me - he needs to pop back because they need to cut a piece off the door - no problem.

5 mins later I get a call from Dad. He "can't cope with all this stress", "why does it happen to him", "its making him ill", "wish he'd never agreed to a new carpet now". Honestly....

Of course, Im in the office trying to sort all this out.... Honestly it defies believe sometimes....

Andeza

Ah yes, my M is a major Waif as well. And hermit... But anyway.

She never blamed me for all her problems, but she expected me to fix them. And somehow I was supposed to fix them with her refusing to do anything I suggested. I don't suggest anything anymore. When she gripes about her health I essentially say "That sucks" and try to change the subject. Her line is "I don't understaaaaaannnd!" "Why are you doing this to Meeeeeeee!"

When we moved far far away, across the majority of the country from her so about 1,600 miles, we "did it to her" apparently. :no:

Mine also needed me far more than I needed her. Saying that she "needs to be needed" when a parent's job is, honestly, to work themselves out of being needed so their children become individuals that rely upon their own judgment. At least, that's what I want for my DS someday. I also can't ask how M is doing without getting the "organ report" and "poop report"  :barfy: I have a six month old, that's the only poop I really need to know about right now, thanks.

And yes, they are blind to their own issues but have a grand time discussing everybody else... It's a PD hobby I think.  :wacko:
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

Spirit in the sky

Quote from: p123 on August 03, 2019, 12:04:05 PM
Oh the "I cant cope why does this happen to me" thing....

I arranged for a new carpet to be fitted in my Dads living room (old one was threadbare). I arranged it, paid for it, arranged to make sure the fitter was going to move the furniture all of it. So fitter calls me - he needs to pop back because they need to cut a piece off the door - no problem.

5 mins later I get a call from Dad. He "can't cope with all this stress", "why does it happen to him", "its making him ill", "wish he'd never agreed to a new carpet now". Honestly....

Of course, Im in the office trying to sort all this out.... Honestly it defies believe sometimes....

Sounds so familiar my mother wanted a new roof on her sunroom, the old had cracks and was leaking. So I arranged for someone she knows and likes to do it. I've been listening to 'wish I hadn't started all this'. It was a one day job and he wasn't even in the house. But she couldn't cope with the upheaval and 'the dog wasn't happy' either.



Spirit in the sky

Quote from: Andeza on August 03, 2019, 01:38:03 PM
Ah yes, my M is a major Waif as well. And hermit... But anyway.

She never blamed me for all her problems, but she expected me to fix them. And somehow I was supposed to fix them with her refusing to do anything I suggested. I don't suggest anything anymore. When she gripes about her health I essentially say "That sucks" and try to change the subject. Her line is "I don't understaaaaaannnd!" "Why are you doing this to Meeeeeeee!"

When we moved far far away, across the majority of the country from her so about 1,600 miles, we "did it to her" apparently. :no:

Mine also needed me far more than I needed her. Saying that she "needs to be needed" when a parent's job is, honestly, to work themselves out of being needed so their children become individuals that rely upon their own judgment. At least, that's what I want for my DS someday. I also can't ask how M is doing without getting the "organ report" and "poop report"  :barfy: I have a six month old, that's the only poop I really need to know about right now, thanks.

And yes, they are blind to their own issues but have a grand time discussing everybody else... It's a PD hobby I think.  :wacko:

Mines a hermit too!

She only leaves the house to walk the dog. Not to go shopping, meet friends or go to bank or any other every activity. She doesn't like people coming to the house but invites neighbours in and then moans about feeling her privacy has been invaded.

When I did make suggests about how to help herself, it was replied with 'I can't' 'I don't like change' 'why are picking on me'. Then I realised she didn't want help she just wanted to feel sorry for herself and for me to say 'poor you'.

I have major 'caretaking' issues because my mother programmed me that way, plus I am naturally empathetic and hate to see anyone sad or upset. This is also one of the reasons my NMIL preyed on my weakness. I was a total self sacrificing people pleaser.

I'm in recovery it feels like working the 12 step program and the Serenity Prayer is my daily mantra.


p123

Quote from: Andeza on August 03, 2019, 01:38:03 PM
Ah yes, my M is a major Waif as well. And hermit... But anyway.

She never blamed me for all her problems, but she expected me to fix them. And somehow I was supposed to fix them with her refusing to do anything I suggested. I don't suggest anything anymore. When she gripes about her health I essentially say "That sucks" and try to change the subject. Her line is "I don't understaaaaaannnd!" "Why are you doing this to Meeeeeeee!"

When we moved far far away, across the majority of the country from her so about 1,600 miles, we "did it to her" apparently. :no:

Mine also needed me far more than I needed her. Saying that she "needs to be needed" when a parent's job is, honestly, to work themselves out of being needed so their children become individuals that rely upon their own judgment. At least, that's what I want for my DS someday. I also can't ask how M is doing without getting the "organ report" and "poop report"  :barfy: I have a six month old, that's the only poop I really need to know about right now, thanks.

And yes, they are blind to their own issues but have a grand time discussing everybody else... It's a PD hobby I think.  :wacko:

Oh yes I always think its the elderly parents duty to actually TRY to look after themselves. Mind defintely does not - plays helpless all the time.

Marinette

Wow this is 100% my situation... I am so so so tired of it. But, it is not going to change.
I, like many people here, have been conditioned to be a caretaker of my PD mother who had so many issues I don't know where to start.  My mother is a major waif and hermit as well.
She doesn't work, lives by herself,
Doesn't go out except for grocery shopping, doesn't really do anything.
She lived her entire adult life in a large city yet doesn't have any friends, at all, except for her childhood friends who lIve across the county.   Sigh...
I am currently working very hard on myself to let go of these old toxic habits of mine and let my mother take responsibility for her own life.

WomanInterrupted

UnBPD Didi was also a Waif/Hermit - but had Queen tendencies too, especially when it came to me:  "I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I..."  :dramaqueen: :pissed:

Yeah, maybe that worked  when I was a kid and all the way through most of my adult life, but I don't *like* orders and demands, and will instantly say NO when they're given.  :ninja:

When I'd suggest Didi try to help herself, she just "couldn't!" - for reasons.   :dramaqueen:  Lots and lots of reasons that were really excuses designed to get ME to do it FOR her or *help* her, which really meant do it for her and take this BURDEN off her plate - like cooking, cleaning, laundry, or taking care of herself.  :roll:

I finally wised up and started using Medium Chill on her, pushing ALL her problems back to her side of the table, which would wind up with her slamming the phone down on me, but I got to the point I considered that a *successful* call, because I'd get the Silent Treat for two weeks.  8-)

I wasn't being mean or rude - just pro-active that she help herself.

She's sooooooo sick and miserable again?

Me:  You need to speak to your doctor.  I can't help you.   :ninja:

SOMEBODY should clean this house.

Me:  Maybe somebody will, if you call Merry Maids.  :ninja:

Every time she pushed back WHY - she just couldn't, or didn't want to BOTHER them  :dramaqueen: - I'd say, "Well, then I really don't know what to tell you, but I'm sure you'll figure something out."  :ninja:

That was usually when she'd slam  her phone down, and I felt *no* guilt or shame, because I offered suggestions, she shot down every single one, and there was nothing I could do from that point, unless it was to go over and RESCUE her - which I wasn't prepared to do.  :no:

Didi really didn't want her problems solved.  Even if I could solve them, she'd just create new ones, and expect me to fix those, too.   :stars:

Once I started lowering contact, started to not return "emergency" calls (she never used to call here until I started putting up boundaries), wouldn't visit the lair or the hospital, and pushed all her problems back to her side of the table, thereby rendering myself *useless* - she escalated her hospitalizations and now expected a hospital bed in our living room (nothing changed, on my end except to lower contact even further  :ninja:) - BUT she realized she had to rely on UnNPD Ray and *strangers.  :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

Yes - the hated husband and the dreaded *strangers* she'd fought so hard to avoid.

Waifs are astonishingly resourceful.  Once they realize they can't *use* you to get their needs met, they move on to the next person, and the one after that, and the one after that.

Didi was no different.  She finally had to engage the man  she'd been married to for 60+ years and *ask him for help* - or ask her doctor to send the visiting nurse, since she'd run off everybody ages ago.

I was just the latest casualty.  She was *used* to being discarded and hated it, and would always plot REVENGE - hence that hospital bed in ours, that she never got.  :ninja:

If your mom is a Waif, she's going to be utterly useless during your father's cancer treatment - or expect YOU to pick up the slack  FOR her.

Don't do it.  Malfunction!   8-)

Others will take your place, and she may praise them to their faces, but if she talks to you, all she'll do is *complain* because *those strangers aren't YOU, doing what she thinks is YOUR job.*

Or she may start demanding more and more of your time, to visit and help her - trying to groom you to take your father's place.  Or she may expect you to start giving her money, since she's going to be losing your father's SS and/or pension; and because she got you ballet lessons, bought you diapers, and *took care of you* as a child (this actually happened to a former unNPD friend of mine, so it's a VERY real  possibility!)  you OWE her and MUST pay  for her upkeep!   :stars:

That's a VERY serious concern - they expect us to jump right in, like nothing at all happened, you'll  just replace your father, and life will go on.   :no_shake:

For a detailed response on that, please check out Samtosha's thread, If they won't help themselves, then what's my obligation?

Scroll to the last post.  It advises how to avoid the pit-falls of their need for a surrogate partner.   :)

UnNPD Ray lived with unBPD Didi for over 60 years and actually tried using plays  from her playbook, thinking they'd actually work - while completely missing the part  that they stopped working, because the two of them, if they weren't fighting, or trying to "top" the other, basically grunted at each other.   :roll:

If Ray had been paying attention, he'd have known that Waif shit...I'm sorry, but I'm noping right out of THAT, before it even gets started.  :ninja:

Your "can't cope" and "why is this happening to me?"  "overwhelmed" and "stressed out" mother, who "can't deal"  and "wishes it would all just go away" will be fine if you *step out of the picture.*  :yes:

That means lowering contact, using Medium Chill and REFUSING to do a thing for her other than working behind the scenes (phone only) to aid  Team Authorities in getting them the care they need, instead of what they think you OWE them.

Your mom won't like it, but too bad.  We're not taking these measures to hurt them, or because we dislike them, but for our OWN self-preservation!   :sunny:

:hug:

Phoenix Rising

Really feel you about your situation, NPDgran is critical of everyone around her and there is no love, warmth or support to be found there. She is nice and sweet to people from her church, new people introduced to her who meet her high standards but to everyone else, she is miserable and rude.

I have started to find great peace and clarity in my life by accepting that she will never be a provider of warmth, love and security. As my therapist says, she is a wounded adult child and I have decided that I can't and won't take on the responsibility of fixing her, her past and trauma. I can only work on myself, my emotions and actions moving forward as well as setting boundaries. It feels like a lot of work right now but I am already gaining a lot of benefit from this plan.
And here you are living despite it all..

Know this: the person who did this to you is broken. Not you... I will not watch you collapse

Spirit in the sky

I do feel guilty at times when I write these posts about my parents. I feel I am judging them sometimes harshly and passing to much blame in their direction for my own issues. I know they started the conditioning but now I am aware of it, I feel I must take some responsibility for own happiness.

I have been overly protective of mother because she never seemed to be able to cope, when in truth she was coping just not in the way I thought was best. I didn't realise that even after all the tears, tantrums and sulking she did get over it eventually but I always believed it was up to me to stop it happening again and really I was preventing her from learning from her mistakes.

It's really hard to come to this understanding when she is 86 years old and I know I need to cut the cord for my own self preservation. From a young age she dragged me into her marriage problems and somehow expected me to solve them or be a replacement 'husband'. Most days I felt like a therapist or marriage guidance counsellor, she would be wrecked with guilt for marrying him in the first place, believing in some way God was punishing her or she was doing penance for not performing her wifely duties ( I know way too much information).

So here they are, she's emotionally unstable, a control freak who thinks she knows what's best for everyone, only herself. And my Dad is dying, although in some ways I think he dying inside a long time ago. Am here I am stepping back, knowing they are going to continue to fight and argue and make whatever time they have left together miserable. I do hope and pray they find peace with each other, maybe they do love one another in their own way, but it's sad neither one of them was able to find a way to express it.

I'm forcibly removing myself from the situation, spending less time with them and resisting the urge to step in and save the day. I'm letting them make their own mistakes, I'm giving the practical support that I can and emotionally detaching completely, which isn't easy for me. I'm sitting with a lot of discomfort both with my relationship with my parents and my mother in law. I feel like there are these soul contracts that are up for renewal and I'm choosing not to sign up again.

Breaking my childhood conditioning is painful and it feels like going against nature. Finally having the courage and strength to realise I am a person in my own right and I'm not here just to serve and please others, feels like cutting off my arms and legs. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm slowly finding distractions and I'm forcing myself to walk away when I need to.

WomanInterrupted

Spirit, you're right - you MUST take control of your own happiness and your own life.   8-)

They are YOURS.  As far as I know, we only get one shot at this, and living as fixers, servants, or those who are expected to hand-hold and coddle difficult people, who "can't handle" things is NOT why we're here.  :P

I used to be overly-protective of Didi too.  She was such a medical mystery and needed to be Handled With Care.  Did these people not SEE that?  How could they not KNOW it?  Didn't they do research on all the potentially fatal side-effects of the meds they kept handing her?  Did they not SEE her dowager hump, the cane and know how FRAIL she was, and needed other people to do her thinking for her, because  she was just so OVERWHELMED by everything and couldn't cope?   :violin:

Once she pushed me too far, I started to see - like yours, she was a  control freak.  Like yours, she was emotionally unstable.  Like yours, she only thought of herself, and damn the rest of us.  We deserved we got because we  were all *horrible* people who didn't put her first - and do everything FOR her.  :blink:

I don't know if your parents are the same, but Ray got really attentive after Didi was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He wanted to care for her at home  - she opted for a Hospice facility, after using the ER as T  for more nights than I can remember from the hospital records.  (Ray needed them for an insurance thing.)   :stars:

Go in, cry she doesn't want to die tonight and somebody has to DO something.   Since she was inoperable and had a DNR in place, they'd send a nurse to give her a Xanax and hold her hand,  until she was calm  - and send her home - until they day they pulled rank and called an ambulance to take her either to an SNF or Hospice.  Her call.    :thumbup:

She wisely chose Hospice  - and died a couple of days later.

I felt...nothing but relief - and happy that the never-ending Reign of Terror was OVER.   :yahoo:

I'd successfully removed myself from the picture, let both she and Ray make all the bad decisions they wanted, and left them to their own fates.  They  were competent to make all the bad  choices they wanted, and it wasn't my responsibility to jump in to try to "save" them from themselves.

In time, you'll  appreciate sitting with the discomfort - which can be *agonizing* because you see  a clearer picture and path, and "if only they'd listen..." - things would be SO much easier.   :roll:

But neither your mom  or dad  has the ability to listen to anybody but themselves.  They have their own Dysfunctional Dance you'll never understand, and their own *agenda* - which you don't have to be a part of, as your participation is NOT mandatory.   :sunny:

You wrote:  I feel like there are these soul contracts that are up for renewal and I'm choosing not to sign up again.

I LOVE that!  And you are CORRECT!   :)

NONE of this is your problem, if you CHOOSE to keep it where it belongs - on your parents'  shoulders.  :yes:

Focus on YOU  - this is YOUR journey, and lord, it  is HARD when you've got somebody trying to yammer in your ear about how helpless they are, how they need help, how they don't understaaaaaaaaaaand   - ignore it.  It's white noise.   :yes:

They make bad decisions?  You don't have to involve yourself. Instead, you can figure out *who you really are* and *what you really like/want out of life.*  :sunny:

I started reupholstering things (after a LOT of reading and buying the right tools   ;D ) because I was trying to distract myself from Didi and Ray's never-ending competition for who owns my life.  :roll:

Turns out I was good at it, and actually enjoy  it.  It also calmed my mind, and took my thoughts off THEM and what could possibly going on, that they were  cooking up, to try to make me come running.

I started understanding that my own needs take *priority* over theirs  - and yes, if that means me shoving a needle through a chair to tuft it, that's *valid* and I don't have or need to explain to anybody that I was *working on detaching and my own mental health.*  :yes: :thumbup:

I was just too busy.  Can't get away.  Swamped.  You know what life is like.  Sorry - I'd love to help, but I can't.  Next week isn't looking good either - but I'll see what I can do.  :ninja:

What I could do was NOTHING.  :ninja:

Just focus on YOU.  You're the star of your own show - not a bit-player in theirs.  You're not the duty-bound Doormat Scapegoat, who asks, "How high" when ordered to jump.

You are an autonomous person, with your own likes, dislikes and the only things you HAVE to do are those required by law - and for your OWN well-being.  :yes:

I'm proud of you Spirit, and *you've GOT this!*  :righton:

:hug:

Spirit in the sky

Thanks WI,

I'm feeling so much better. All communication with my parents has been greatly reduced and I'd either of them start moaning or complaining I change the subject or remove myself. I'm planning days out with my hubby when I am off work so I have something to look forward to and I'm walking and going to the outdoor gym with I love.

I love that you do reupholstering it sounds very rewarding. I have tried many different crafts over the years but I get easily distracted and haven't found anything that really nourishes my soul. I've tried painting, weaving, knitting, mixed media collage but I soon get bored and move onto something else. I would love to find something I am deeply passionate about.

I love spending time in nature and walking keeps me sane. I also meditate and chant mantras which after a stressful day helps me reconnect with my inner peace.

I keep coming back to the Serenity Prayer.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference 

Spirit in the sky

My mother now has shingles. I did get her anti virals and told her to rest.

Nothing more I can do.

WomanInterrupted

That's right!  8-)

There is nothing more you can do.  Her shingles are not YOUR shingles - or your problem.  :yes:

Please make sure you keep your boundaries  - and practice good self-care as you detach  from her situation and focus on your own life.    :)

:hug:

Bean_Counter

You are pulling the words out of my head. I truly think I understand what you're going through, because your mom and mine sound like the same person. You sound thoroughly logical and reasonable, and how you're handling the situation is impressive. Stay strong, my friend✊

Spirit in the sky

Thanks Bean Counter,

I'm really feeling the need to detach energically from my mother which is difficult. She's not dealing well with my father's cancer diagnosis and the old me would be trying to find ways of taking away her pain. It's always been about protecting my mother because she is so 'fragile' and can't cope with illness or death.

I was with my father when he got his diagnosis and it was actually very shocking to witness and I felt drained afterwards, but I had to go tell my mother. She was upset and I talking it through with her and I kept waiting for her to ask me how I was, but she didn't. She keeps telling me how shattered she feels because he is dying and still she hasn't asked how I feel. She did says I can cope better with things and she can't help being so emotional, but in truth I was upset and I hid it because I have never been able to express my feelings to mother, because she's the one who gets upset and cries.

Neither of my parents have ever emotionally supported me, and now I'm finding it difficult to emotionally support them. I'm being kind and compassion but I need to feel my own sadness first, I feel like I'm grieving already for a lost childhood.

Quote from: Bean_Counter on September 01, 2019, 09:46:46 PM
You are pulling the words out of my head. I truly think I understand what you're going through, because your mom and mine sound like the same person. You sound thoroughly logical and reasonable, and how you're handling the situation is impressive. Stay strong, my friend✊

Andeza

Last year we lost my grandfather, whom I dearly loved. My uBPDM never asked how I was, and I think she fully expected me to help her through it. However, I saw something else at the time that alarmed me. My grandmother, trying to be strong, but clinging to me the whole way through. I realized after it was because she was worried about me. She kept asking how I was, and I kept responding I was fine. I wasn't, really. But I'm that too tough for my own good kind of person and don't like crying in public or in front of family.

My uBPM wasn't there for her. She was too caught up in her own grief and putting on a bit of a spectacle. My aunt was busy trying to keep my uBPM calm... ish. My uncle was trying to take the edge off everything but of course my uBPDM decided to take it personally, project what he said as though he cause his own mother a great deal of pain... Holy guacamole it was a mess and a half.

By trying to be the strong one, oddly I ended up having more of my FOO coming up to me offering free hugs.

Moral of the story? Had I given sympathy to my mother, she would have taken everything I offered and sucked more out, never giving any back in return.

I have a child. If something happened to his father, what would I do? Everything within my power to be strong and comfort him, help him work through his grief, and then work on my own in private.

You do not have to support your mother emotionally through this time period. She has had their entire lives together thus far to brace for the possibility. I'm not saying that's going to make it any easier... but if you put your neck out there for her now, it's going to hurt. And it'll keep hurting. Because pretty soon she won't be able to cope with taking care of her own life. And she'll *need* you to help with, well, everything.

I highly recommend you take care of yourself first. Your M is not going to properly parent you through this... I'm sorry I cant remember do you have a T you could speak to? I think it would be very beneficial in this instance. Especially if the T could "parent" you through the grief.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

Spirit in the sky

Thanks Andeza,

I understand being the strong one and not crying in front of people. I felt I could never cry in front of me my mother as a child because she either got upset or annoyed. Everyone now assumes I can cope with anything and everything, and I have never received support from my parents, it's always about my mother. I have been her therapist since I was 10 years old and her mother died and I felt it was my responsibility to keep her alive, she kept saying she wanted to die too.

I don't have a therapist but my hubby is very supportive and I even get embarrassed when I cry in front of him but I'm learning it's ok not to be super-human. My neither has never been able to cope with anything, when my cousin was diagnosed with lung cancer my aunt was more worried about how my mother would react to the news than how she was dealing with losing her son.

She sees evveryone else as lucky because they can cope with life, and she's always the victim who has been 'punished ' by life. My mother knew this was going as my dad ha seven I'll for years but she's still saying she never believed it could happen, I think she lives in another world most of the time. Other people's loved ones get sick and die but not hers, because life is so unfair to her.

I'm doing a lot of inner child healing and learning how to reprogram myself and recover from being an Adult Child. I am making progress, detachment seems to be the answer so far.