Arguing after long MC

[samc]

My uBPM is in a nursing home, and I visit her once a week. I bring her snacks and my aunt brings soda. We visit at the same time. I've been mostly successful MC for several years (a few small slips), and she doesn't call me much anymore, which I consider a success. She used to call an uncountable number of times per day, at least 8 when I did count.

It sounds harsh to say, but I know it's safe to say here. I'll be relieved when she dies.

But largely, MC worked well. Unfortunately, I broke it this week and now there's an ugly argument.

She has a cell phone, on one of the government plans intended for seniors who live on their own. That's how she was when she got it, and she just keeps listing a residential address when renewal comes up. (Not my problem.)

We mostly communicate on Google Hangouts now, one for her, my aunt and me. All the following happened in the chat. And I snoozed notifications before re-engaging.

She ran out of minutes early this month, and has to wait to the 8th to use the phone again.

So much drama. "Samc, please add minutes to my phone! It's my only contact with the outside world. I didn't ask to be here."

I had established previously that I would not buy phone minutes, that it was up to her to manage her time. So I said, "I'm not buying phone minutes. They'll renew on the 8th."

My version of MC, that would have been fine. If I'd stopped there and been braced for manipulation. To not respond. But it's been an incredibly stressful time at work and I'm physically feeling unwell. I didn't brace myself.

The onslaught came. How I was like a mean husband withholding money, what a power game I was playing, hoped I was enjoying my power game.

I didn't respond for a day, which is something I guess, and texted with my aunt instead of the chat.

Then I tried to employ my boundary,l the next day, which was a mistake. I know from experience it's better just to live the boundaries, act them out. A verbal one (text or not) isn't going to work. "It's not okay for you to talk to me that way. I'll be off Hangouts for a day when you do."

She said, it's not ok for you to treat me like crap. Which triggered me big time. "I don't owe you anything. Keep throwing tantrums and see if I visit this week."

So she went off on how she loaned me money when I needed it (my grandmother loaned me money) and she didn't say anything when I bought cupcakes before paying her back. I said, sure we could talk about that, or about how I paid bills for years as a young person when I could have been on my own. And how she charged up debt in my name. I said, you are responsible for only ONE thing in your life right now, and that's your phone minutes.

We haven't argued like this in years. I am so mad at myself for breaking my MC. The worst part is, I keep wanting to argue! But I know I need to disengage now. I feel like I am just living an old nightmare.

Oh, and I also have to admit I looked at the call logs. She used all her minutes up calling the front desk of the nursing home multiple times a day, and a wound care nurse who has been nice to her 4 or 5 times a day.   

[WomanInterrupted]

I understand - please cut yourself some slack.   We all goof and engage, from time to time, when we know Medium Chill would be best.     

Yes, arguing feels good but accomplishes *nothing.*  You may as well argue with a brick wall! 

If she brings up the minutes again, stick to, "Your minutes will renew on the 8th." 

Don't engage!  Promise yourself you won't do it!   

If she brings up other stuff, or stuff you'd been arguing about, stick to MC, "Your minutes renew on the 8th and you'll have to be patient. There is nothing I can do." 

Be a broken record - your minutes renew on the 8th.   

And from now on, if she gets snotty or nasty, just *do the boundary* - stay off Hangouts or don't visit for a week under the guise of being BUSY. 

It's a lot better than the back-and-forth, tit-for-tat.   If you keep going down that road *it will never, ever end* because she's *always got to have the last word and be RIGHT.* 

You've GOT this. 

PS - better her pestering THEM multiple times a day, than YOU! 

And when she uses  up her Sept minutes, stick to, "Your minutes renew on X date." 

[samc]

Thanks WomanInterrupted! All great advice.

Before I checked back in here, saw that she said we can't communicate, I have no empathy, she doesn't feel bad saying goodbye to me now. I said nothing, but left the conversation.

I don't feel bad saying goodbye, either!

I'm so glad I have gotten to the point her guilt trips don't make me feel bad about myself, but reassure me she is a horrible, manipulative person. I would never treat my kid that way if I had any.

You're so right, better she pester them than me!!!

[samc]

So much deja vu today.

Her "You attack for no reason."

"You won't have to deal with me much longer. Just figure out what to do with the body."

Me :

[Call Me Cordelia]

What to do with the body? Um... what a nursing home normally does with dead bodies?

Or she trying to imply you're about to kill her? Or sell the organs on the black market or something? That's so bizarre and lame I think that's perfect to leave hanging as the "last word" here. It'll be there to make you laugh when you finally do sign back into Hangouts.

I don't think it's so terrible you blew up at her either. Sometimes I wonder at all you people who are experts at Medium Chill. I don't think you'd be quite human if you could do it perfectly all the time!

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm glad you didn't answer that last one, Samc.   What she doesn't know, and all... 

Well, if she hasn't made any arrangements and is leaving it up to you, look into your state's laws on Pauper Burials, and how to obtain one for her.   

We already looked into our state's laws on the subject, because we expect NC unNPD MIL to let that be her final, "EEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFF YOUUUUUUU!" to us - expecting us to spend a lot of money on a lavish sendoff. 

We'll be spending about $400 from  our own accounts, and screw asking the estate for any money for it.  We just want the job done right, and everybody else is welcome to help themselves to any money she has.

I *think* that $400 includes funerary expenses, like minimal embalming, plus the coffin and the grave  and actual burial,  but I'll have to check again  as time marches on.  We don't want to spend one penny more than necessary. 

Just like unNPD Ray, it'll be from the embalming table, to the casket, to the ground - no muss, no fuss, no drama - and one day, we might even get around to put up some kind of cheap marker, if we can remember where she's buried.  (And we can find words sarcastic and biting enough to remember her.) 

So...do your research and you might be *very* pleasantly surprised to know what you're doing with her, when the time comes - and at a very reasonable cost.

It'll become a secret that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

But even if you break MC again, it's something you *never* say to her - you don't want her trying to screw around with your plans! 

[samc]

(trigger warning: general talk re suicide threats )


Thanks yall! I haven't talked to her in a few days. She texted me yesterday to basically say, "My attempt didn't work." What a shock.

She had written a few texts the day before to say that she was sorry she had me, that she had tried to be a good mom, that I had never been happy, maybe if we'd had more money, blah blah blah.

Did not respond. I so want to day," It wasn't the money or when you tried to be a good mom that was the problem! It was this sick mind game you've been playing ever since I can remember. That if you weren't the center of my world and I didn't put you first, you'd put me in foster care. And when I outgrew that threat, you started threatening suicide when you didn't get what you wanted."

She has copd and always gets mad if the nurses want her to be in a different position. She says," I can't breathe when I lay that way!"  Yet she makes an attempt with a few extra pills that she stashed away.

I know suicide is something to take seriously in most cases, but I'm OVER it with her. I don't even care. I was 24 before I moved out, because that threat worked so well on me. It took a therapist to tell me - and eventually convince me - that it wouldn't be my fault if I moved out and she did.

Anyway, I haven't been replying. My aunt has told me a little about her conversations, but I'm not talking about my experience. I am just going to try to live my life and that's hard enough without all this.

[samc]

Also thank you for the advice about pauper burial!

[WomanInterrupted]

My, she's really on a roll, isn't she? 

If the pauper burial thing doesn't work out, you can always contact a local college's School of Medicine and donate her body to science.

You won't have to pay a thing, they'll transport her, and all you'll probably have to do is sign a few papers, giving your permission.

Win-win! 

[SunnyMeadow]

(trigger warning: general talk re suicide threats )
She texted me yesterday to basically say, "My attempt didn't work." What a shock.

She had written a few texts the day before to say that she was sorry she had me, that she had tried to be a good mom, that I had never been happy, maybe if we'd had more money, blah blah blah.

This is disgusting! My attempt didn't work?!! That's a vile thing for her to write to her child. I don't blame you for being over it and not even caring anymore.

I've experienced suicide (a real suicide) by someone close to me and the fact your mother has involved you in her threats is appalling. I'm so sorry samc.

[samc]

It's been harder for me to deal with than I anticipated. But she hasn't contacted me since then, either, so that's a plus.