milestones- where are you at in your journey right now?

[xredshoesx]

i've hit a milestone in my recovery.  i made some connections whilst binge watching the intervention series.   my biological mother is an addict.  i keep asking myself how did i not fall into that pattern?  i hung out with all kinds of people that are now dead or gone for similar behaviors....why them and not me???

simple.  i was not allowed to fail, not allowed to make mistakes. it wasn't so much perfection was demanded, but until i was maybe 12 i didn't want to upset the apple cart and make anyone MAD at me, and then as i got older i didn't want to make my bosses mad because i lived in fear of being fired- i could go from zero to homeless in about 3 minutes at any given time.  i don't know if this is pressure i put on myself, an aspect of my personality (when i decide i'm not gonna do something i won't do it), part of being scapegoated from the get go, or some combination of nature/ nurture.

growing up in i lived in fear of my mother.  by the time i got sent to live with her parents, i figured i was gonna get punished anyways so why bother to be perfect and follow the rules.  i was in plenty of trouble as a teen and since everything was focused on my mother, no one ever circled the wagons for me and i wound up in a state home and then foster care until i was almost 17 and returned to my mother..... about a year later i got put out and from that point forward there was no one to call if i messed up.  the one time i did ask for help- i had to pay for it anyways......

so the connection is that i stayed in situations i shouldn't have waaaayyyy too long because of the fear of making a worse choice and having nothing to fall back on - because i really didn't have anything to fall back on.  i know now this is why i stayed with my ex uPD bf so long, and one of the reasons i was hesitant to change jobs last year- 

i think when i stuck up for myself at work and got an admin fired was the start of me taking back my power, the journey continued as i had the support from my husband to literally walk off my job and find something better then the abusive and toxic culture that i was in (i got worked bullied by the replacement admin for talking to the union about our building culture).  i worked in another district FAR from my home for 5 years b/c it was 'safe' even though i wasn't being challenged professionally or being compensated for my full experience.  again, with the support of my husband (and you all too) i stepped out of that comfort zone, applied for my dream job, got it, and had a successful year in a very demanding position-  all these things happened AFTER i left my ex, got some more help/ support and was in a healthy relationship where i knew someone had my back if it didn't work out.

for those of you who feel like you've made it through hell  and went from survivor to thriver, please share your experiences.  for those of you who are still going through it, share what's going on because it gets better.

[Whiteheron]

That is wonderful redshoes! I hope to be where you are someday soon!

A week or two ago, I was at a point where I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Mediation had gone surprisingly well, although stbx's L has taken over a month to draw up the papers (which may have turned out to be a good thing). I thought this whole mess would be over before school started. I was careful to not get my hopes up, but I couldn't help but to feel a little bit of relief. It's been over two years since I filed.

Now, I feel like I've taken 10 giant steps backwards. It seems stbx is going off the rails again and has ramped up his behaviors with the kids. Gone is the FOTY, and in it's place is his true controlling, demanding, narc self. DS is nearing crisis again as a direct result of his dad's treatment of him, he has an appt with the GAL early next week, so hopefully something will happen this time (it has to!). I am at a low point - I feel like I can't even help my kids when they need me the most. The mediation agreement will need to be scrapped because there is no way, in good conscience, I can continue to allow this to happen without a fight. So I will have to fight for even more custody, which means the trial will go ahead at the end of Oct. I highly doubt we can get stbx back into mediation and to agree to even less custody time.

On the other hand, I am branching out professionally. I have two part time jobs right now. One is in data analysis, something I never thought in a million years I'd be doing. The other is teaching a summer workshop for kids. I'm making new connections and making a (hopefully good) name for myself, and using my science degree! All of this after being a SAHM for 15 years. I never imagined I'd be able to find a job without going back to school after such a long absence from the workforce.

I am still in survivor mode, and it looks like I will be for a while longer. I'm exhausted, but I can't stop fighting for the kids.

[athene1399]

I stopped getting into emotionally abusive relationships. I was emotionally abused as a child, so if a guy was nice to me I didn't know what to do with that. it made me so uncomfortable. I had three major bad ones. One was diagnosed BPD. I don't know if the other two had a PD but they were very manipulative. The last one was the worst. Then I just decided I was sick of it. The problem was, with them I felt so high at the beginning. But I guess that's how it just is with people like that. So next time around I found someone i bonded with, but could stay even kilter with. SO isn't perfect, but we've been healing together and talk through our issues for the most part. He doesn't make me feel stupid for having feelings and tries hard to understand them.

I tried leaving my job a few times, but the market was still bad so I never made it anywhere. I decided to go back to school for a career change and did research on the career to make sure it would pan out. Plus it's been incredible for my healing process with the childhood abuse (I'm getting my masters in social work with a clinical concentration). It's been emotionally exhausting, but in a good way. In a year's time I will have a new job (i hope). I heard a lot of people get job offers from their internship, so hoping that works out for me.

I've not processed everything from my childhood, but I am getting there. I've learning to identify my hangups and stuck points and schema stuff. I'm working on being mindful more. I'm working on talking about my feelings instead of burying them. I'm working on enforcing boundaries and compromising when needed. I'm working on trusting people and myself. I used to meditate a lot which helped, but haven't had time lately (from being in school and working and a "step parent"). I need to try to schedule it into my day if possible. I try to focus on the positive and what is going good. I try to think before reacting or burying my feelings. I've learned to love myself and that I am worth it. I also don't think I have abandonment issues anymore.

[mdana]

Oh ... it's been a long journey!

Since 2012 (when we separated, then 2013 divorced) - I have worked so hard on myself and on recovering from the cycle of trauma/abuse-- AND dropping the life long victim identity that defined every part of me.  I had no idea what any of that was, until I started working with my therapist (whom has since passed).  Sigh ...

I divorced a life-long off/on partner whom was diagnosed with ASPD/NPD -- (very much like my own mother); no longer harvest the anger and resentment towards him, despite the harm he caused (primarily to our daughter); I am no contact with my mom -- this is primarily her choice; and after years of trying to rescue my daughter from the brink of death (she is an addict/alcoholic, and borderline PD that has attempted suicide multiple times) I have finally found the right boundaries with her -- that keeps my life peaceful and focused on my own spiritual growth and sanity.

My life is not perfect, but it's a million times healthier than ever before!  I am able to manage relationships better (work, friendships, with my children) --without abandoning myself (at times I still do a little, but I catch myself soon enough to make a change) -- I am able to stand up for myself in the right way (without feeling regret or doubt).  And now, after all these years -- I am beginning to feel like it's time to test the waters and look for a companion.  Up until very recently, I had no interest in dating, but lately the world and the feeling of myself in the world feels pretty good!

I'm working full time (after years of not working outside of the home) in an industry that gives me great purpose -- and although the work environment is less than "perfect" (there's plenty of stress and dysfunction) -- I am able to carry my own in that organization -- SO FAR.  I think about the time when I may need to find a better workplace, but for now -- I'm ok.

My kids are all doing better, BTW. Including my daughter -- whom I didn't think would actually live this long (given the direction she was taking).

XOXOXO
M

[SerenityCat]

It definitely gets better.

I needed to cut off contact with an alcoholic uNPD depressive and sometimes cruel parent. I finally did so a few years back and my life has vastly improved. I am less anxious and guilt ridden.

My relationships are much healthier. I am able to focus on chronic health challenges in a clear minded fashion.

When I am triggered and hyper vigilant - I soon know what is going on and what I can do to calm myself down.

I recently chose to stay out of some trouble that the universe offered me.  I was assertive when need be, advocated for myself, and have been able to learn from some difficult interactions.

An acquaintance tried to guilt trip me, I figured out what was her responsibility and what was mine, and I did not fall into the trap of trying to "help".

I listen to myself much better now. When I have a feeling to stay clear of someone or some situation I do so if at all possible.

It does get better. Much better.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Over the last two years I've cut out my entire FOO and my husband's parents. The rest of his family have always ignored me and haven't initiated any contact so I'm matching my efforts there. So practically zero. I did almost a year of talk therapy and a round of EMDR, and I continue to write a lot here and process in my journal on and off. I still have a lot of childhood stuff to sift through. We recently moved to a more supportive environment for our family and left no forwarding address for the FOOs. So we're investing in our marriage, our children, and our new community.

Next up is getting back to exercising and eating better.

[maybeimthecrazyone]

It's been almost a year since I went no contact.

Every few weeks she attempts contact. I never respond.

At first, it was hard. I would get a mental fever of sorts that might last up to a couple of weeks.

Over time, the mental malaise has lasted shorter and shorter, especially after I resisted responding to a very hoover-y apologetic seemingly heartfelt prompt. ("seemingly" because you know they tricky tricky!)

She still sometimes invades my dreams.... like some sort of prison guard, always watching, making sure I don't fully emotionally move on.

Life has been without conflict since the end. Whereas I was constantly anxious about my future, now, even as slowly as it's progressing, I experience very little anxiety. If I was emo, I'd say Comfortably Numb per Pink Floyd. I wouldn't say that I'm happy, but I'm not sad. I'm generally upbeat, but my sun doesn't burn as bright as it used to.

[xredshoesx]

so much greatness shared in this thread- please keep sharing. 

[Drawing_boundaries]

Agreed - This is a great thread.

My current milestone is realising that I was the family scapegoat and that I used anger to assert myself for all these years... This anger has saved me a million times over and am thankful for the role it has played in clearing space for me to exist. But I have come to realise it is a secondary emotion and now that my FOO are not in my life it is safe to look into exactly what emotions lay under my anger. I know I am lonely and am starting to wonder if my core schemas are based on fear.

I have a long way to go but being able to access the sadness and hurt is progress compared to always being angry. Small steps over time

[all4peace]

In the past, someone thinking badly of me was unbearable. I had no boundaries, set no boundaries, didn't express displeasure to anyone outside of our FOO. I lived in fear of losing relationships and would do anything not to.

Now I have lost the relationships with DH's entire FOO, my parents. I WILL live my values now, no matter who or what I lose. I lost a dear friend recently, had my oldest move away, and my youngest getting ready to fledge.  I've faced the unresolved issues in my marriage, adapted to a new normal with my beloved siblings and made it through pretty bad anxiety.

I now no longer feel panic, rarely even fear.
I can modulate and regulate my emotions and am responsive instead of reactive.
I nearly always have good self-care, and when I slip for a day or 2 I don't beat myself up and simply get back on track.
I am willing to look at every single thing inside myself I used to avoid, and I know none of it means I'm unlovable or a terrible person. I know it's uncomfortable but survivable.
I'm more steady in my moods and self-image.
I no longer have a volcano of rage trying to erupt, which also means I no longer expend a lot of energy and effort trying to keep it down.
I have more love for humanity.
I have neutrality instead of bitter resentment for those who have wounded me.
I can see how I wound others, own it, and try to heal it.
I have hope for the future, generally a belief that I'm supposed to be here for a reason, and that life is good, beautiful, peaceful and joyful in general, and when it's not that's just part of it that is necessary, too.

Great thread--thank you for the encouragement to reflect!

[Spygirl]

I am officially divorced as of July. I have one little bit of financial business with expd(text only) and we are done with everything.
I am preparing to sell my hs and move to a new job, new home(my dream hs in the country) and a new life with my fur babies in a few months.
If anyone had asked me this time last year where i would be, i would have still been hoping for a miracle reconciliation.

I am grateful that did not happen. I am grateful for the support of the people on this forum, who have been even more validating and knowledgeable than my therapist or friends.
I still have panic attacks, probably always will at this point, but i have them less often. I still grieve.  I have no desire for romance. I am healing all the broken things about myself that i finally realize i have. I am asserting my needs in a healthy way, which will benefit me professionally as well as personally. My career has operated in FOG as well. That's not happening anymore, much to the disappointment of my current employer.

I have also FORGIVEN my expd. I have not said this to him, but i do feel it. He only did what was right for himself, what he knew and believed, given the circumstances of his life, just like me. That does not excuse the abuse- it just has allowed me to go forward without dragging the past like a sack of bitterness and blame holding me down.

I am excited and terrified of the future, the last half of my life. I am no longer young, but i have knowledge i would not have aquired any other way.  I will use it for good