[Samuel S.]

Has your PD affected your personality and relationships?

I bring this question to our board here, because my personality and relationships with others seem to have been affected. My personal life has been affected due to my PDw, I feel somewhat guarded and reserved. This is with my D45, her family, and my friends. Most of them know that I am living in a situation where I feel alone. I rarely see my side of the family due to being rather far away. I see my friends rarely as well. It’s like I have revealed so much of myself to my PDw, and she has thrown me away. She actually said a while back that I don’t inspire her. BTW, I have published books and given workshops.

My professional life gives me a life where I can feel really connected. I listen and help as a teacher, a tutor, and a workshop presenter.

Otherwise, my personal life with my PDw is less than zero!

[11JB68]

Yes. Absolutely

[1footouttadefog]

So, yes,  in many ways I habe been changed by my pd.  At the core I am the same person for the most part.

I am less suseptable to narcissistic manipulation than before.  I am less teusting and more reserved and slower paced when starting new relationships, friend, prfessional or casual etc.  I pace things and watch for red flags etc.


My social life is greatly stunted by my pd's mental illness.  He damages some relationships.  He has interfered with or made folks uncomfortable such they jist fade away from us.  He tends to just drop folks and it makes it awkward when were a couple and friends with another couple.

There are times when I dont have time or energy to give to friendships ,  despite me wishing it was otherwise.  Fortunately most understand and are still there after those dry spells.

Not operating as a couple socialky causes me to miss out a lot.  People are resistant to invite just me to a party where everyone is a couple and if they have had enough being around pdh, we are not invited as a couple.

It all adds up to less social life.  I am srill me although at one point I felt like my core person was stuck in quick sand and at risk of being lost.

[Cascade]

Yes, I used to be very trusting of people and now I’m not. So much so that sometimes I doubt people too much, and I judge their motives and think people may be lying even when they are not. There’s also times I get angry about little things that wouldn’t have bothered me before if I wasn’t triggered by them because of what I’ve experienced with my PD husband.

[losingmyself]

Absolutely. I used to be smiley, bubbly, and would be happy to see anyone I knew, waving or greeting them happily. I used to talk to people and share stories with them. Now I am more reserved, always careful not to be too happy to see anyone, especially male acquaintances. There are people who I know, who won't even say hi anymore, because of his attitude toward them. Now, if I speak freely to anyone, I go over what I said and scold myself for saying something stupid, or talking too much. I used to really enjoy cooking, and I was good at it.. "Coming from the person who can't even cook macaroni and cheese."  I am trying to get some of myself back. It wasn't even fear that made me like this, I wasn't afraid of him, it was just conditioning. So worried about making him happy... 

[1footouttadefog]

sadno  sly  angel  blank  flat  roll
[more]
The conditioning is part of what happened here, but also I just became tired and sort of climbed in my shell from the constant bombardment of pds around.

Sleep deprevation, intelectual deprevation, art  amd music deprevation, social isolation, eating in a hurry or at places that are not healthy due to bullying or making kess than best a home to keep the oeace and habe a unified dinner, no spare rime to exercose due to chaos etc etc etc

I felt like not interacting at times because I felt wrung out and shredded.  It was like I was not mentally or psychologically presentable even if I was well groomed amd dressed.

[11JB68]

1foot...so sorry you were dealing with all of that
 

[Fae Greenwood]

Yes. But isn’t that a reasonable response to long-term trauma?

[Starboard Song]

My PDs are my in-laws. My PD MIL and her enabling husband. They never lived in our home and never had access to my psyche: they couldn't do damage to my self-esteem, for instance. And yet, they've changed me. Stolen my innocence. Put onto constant vigilance mode, and ready for anger.

Being hurt by people. Struggling to protect those you love. Being exposed to randomness where hearts were meant to prevail. All that changes us, whether we were raised by them, beaten by them, yelled at or merely -- merely! -- rejected by those who were meant to love.

I think I've been changed forever. It is like an ugly divorce.

[Samuel S.]

It truly is a crying shame that we nonPDs have given our trust and love to our significant others. Then, they slowly or quickly change to their Scrooge selves. We give, give, and give more, only to be taken. “What about us? What about trust? What about love?” As a singer sang.

My PDw said at the beginning that she was the only one who ever loved me, etc. She said family is everything, that her previous husband was always too busy for her and their kids. NOW, she doesn’t have time to have a relationship with me. She only cooks. She is also too busy. When I reminded her of what she said and felt unloved, she said: “Now, I understand why he did what he did”.

So, I have focused more time in my own family and work, although I would give up at least half of the work, if we could have a relationship again. Nevertheless, I really don’t see that happening, even after her studies, which will only mean her focusing on more work related to her studies!

[Whatthehey]

Sleep deprevation, intelectual deprevation, art  amd music deprevation, social isolation, eating in a hurry or at places that are not healthy due to bullying or making kess than best a home to keep the oeace and habe a unified dinner, no spare rime to exercose due to chaos etc etc etc

I felt like not interacting at times because I felt wrung out and shredded.  It was like I was not mentally or psychologically presentable even if I was well groomed amd dressed.

Wow, did the bells ring when I read this.  At first, Samuel S. I wanted to write that yes, I have changed.  Just like everyone described.  I was bubbly, happy, outgoing and confident.  I was quick and smart.  I was also optimistic.  Then I met my stbxOCPDh and found myself herded from my friends and moved away from my family.  All for what felt like good reasons at the time but looking back where really manipulations to move me away from anyone I knew.

After 33 years, I don't know who I am.  My self confidence is shot.  I have very few friends and am slowly trying to build them up.  I feel alone and empty.  Like a shell and I am trying hard like hell to not let anyone fill that shell but me.

You are right.  It stinks that we gave ourselves and they gave nothing.  I struggle everyday to make some sense of meaning out of this debacle.  Not sure how or if I will.  Survival on an hourly and then daily basis is about all I can do. 

Consider yourself hugged from afar.  I am glad that you have your work to keep you grounded and reminded of self.

[Scarlet Runner]

I've actually grown a lot in the relationship with uPDbf of 20 years. And also incurred damage that I know I can heal once I get out of the relationship.

He has forced me to really look at my own stuff and make changes to become a better communicator. The problems are that (1) he doesn't let me provide him with the same insight about his stuff as he so freely provides me about mine, and (2) he is unable to see my growth and continually brings up events from 20, 15, 10 years ago as both evidence of my shortcomings and excuses for his own behavior.

On the other side, I have internalized some things that have not been justified. For example I've found myself apologizing to people at work for seeming like I wasn't listening to them. Fortunately, I work with wonderful people and they've only said "I would never think that of you of all people." or "I didn't think a thing of it." But the point is that his hours of monologuing at me have crept into my head and make me worry about how I appear to others. I'm not totally free to be myself.

I have been fortunate enough to live apart and have sometimes longer stretches of time where we don't see much of each other, so the impacts have been tempered.