Court hearing

[A day in September]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago asking for advice; my mother, who also suffers from bipolar disorder with manic crisis, was going through a rough patch and had been hospitalised. We have been no contact for almost 2 years. As a consequence, I have gone no contact with a good portion of my FOO, pretty much every one from my mother's side with the exception of one uncle, his wife and his son & family. We have kept in contact and they remained cordial with me despite a bit of awkwardness... but in June, with my mother being sick, this changed and they demanded that I went back in contact with her and dealt with her health issues, as it shouldn't be their problem. They mentioned that it is my duty as a daughter also from a legal point of view, as I'm her only child (and my father passed away 3 yrs ago).

It was really horrible. I felt so trapped and stressed and didn't know what to do. I asked advice here and as per your suggestion I contacted a lawyer. They said that what we can do is to start a procedure to nominate a legal guardian that will be able to intervene during the periods when my mother is incapacitated. This person can be chosen from the family or - if no-one wants to do it (as I believe) - the judge will appoint a lawyer. In the day to day life this person won't have much interaction with my mother at all, but they will be the ones that will be contacted when she starts to go a bit loopy, and they will have to convince her to see a psychiatrist (good luck!!!)

So I went ahead with that... It wasn't easy but in the end we managed to find supporting documentation about my mother's history of bi-polar and filed the request a couple of weeks ago. All relatives down to my mothers nephews and nieces will be notified and invited to participate to the hearing, although their presence is not compulsory. But myself and my mother must go. 

My lawyer said that she would ask the judge to hear us separately, but so far there is only one time for the hearing (in two months time), which makes me feel very queasy. Unfortunately now it's summer time and I won't know any more until after the holidays at the beginning of September.

I feel very stressed at the possibility that I would have to be in the same room as my mother, and several relatives that see me now as this horrible person who abandoned her mother. I don't think that she would throw a tantrum or abuse me in front of everyone else - if anything she would make a snark comment - but somehow she still terrifies me. I'm also worried that she will look much older/frailer than I remember and that I will feel pity for her. This possibly scares me the most.

At the same time, I'm also excited at the idea of officially closing a chapter. Before I went no contact,  I used to think of what I would do to celebrate the day when she finally passed away, and I could enjoy my freedom at last... I feel this might give me a similar feeling, as she will officially be NOT MY PROBLEM anymore! Also, a spooky coincidence: the hearing is on my 2nd anniversary of no contact... I take that as a good sign!

Have you ever had to go through something like this? Having to see your abusive parent in an official context? I would like to understand how to best prepare for it, although I don't know if I'll ever be ready-ready for it...

Thanks! x

[candy]

A day in September, I would like to cheer you up for taking the legal issues with your M into your own hands. You are proactive and responsible here, you are doing the most caring thing!

I remember reading about your cousin's reaction some time ago. If anyone ever questions you regarding the relationship with your mother, please point out that by taking the legal path you will clean up everybody's mess. That is way more than what is your stuff.

Back to your actual post. I found that whenever I was in contact with the legal system, be it in a professional or private setting, everything is so very regulated that there isn't much space for anything (e.g. comments, tantrums) apart from the protocol. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that you and M will be heard separately like your lawyer suggested. But even if you aren't, a snark comment in the setting of a court meeting is probably daily business in court and will only fall back onto the one who makes it (your M), not the adressée (you). Your M interrupting the hearing will be officially silenced! You won't have to do it yourself.

I have met my NFIL in court when I was already NC. I said ,,Hello [name]." and put on my medium chill friendly face. FIL must have been boiling inside, he pressed out an ,,Hello." with his teeth clenched, going backwards furiously while pretending to ignore me further. I remember me thinking that the man was a rage machine, dangerous even.

My own FOO is mostly able to behave themselves  in official contexts. Court hearings, being sick in the hospital or being a visitor, funerals, they say hello briefly and mostly go their way. I assume the PD's of my FOO feel somehow intimidated by anything official, especially when it has to do with the legal system.
My B(2)PDF will lie about what he did and said in court afterwards but he'll be quiet like a little boy for the time present at an arm length from justitia.

I have spent precious time anticipating what the PDs in my life will probably do, if they were able to behave or respect boundaries in different settings. I wondered what extended family might think, if they were able to see the dysfunction. As a result I found I cannot control anyone or be prepared for whatever they will do. The only thing I can decide on is the amount of headspace I allow them to occupy  - that is my stuff, under my control.

Closing a chapter and finding appropriate guidance for the times your M is unable to take care of herself is what will bring you to the upcoming hearing. You ARE doing the right thing! You are the good guy here!

Keep being strong! You got this!

[all4peace]

A day in Sept, thank you for sharing an update!

The most "official" context I have seen my parents is in my therapist's office. I was in a state of dread, fear and fight-flight. I exercised, prayed, got support from friends, used essential oils, worked on my breathing and a ton of self-talk. It was awkward, but it was ok and I didn't pass out.

I found it helpful to have very low expectations of myself, literally to just not pass out.

I think that whatever soothes and strengthens you in your real life may be what is helpful to prepare you for this. I have also several times found EFT ("tapping") to be very helpful and will post a link here for "tapping for dread." If you're not familiar with it, it sounds odd, but it really works: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tul6U4D9CRg

Best of luck to you!

[Starboard Song]

 I haven't had to meet them officially, but my wife and I each held court with my FIL for over two hours in a weird sort of peace suit. She did this right after we were forced to declare no contact. I did it right before they moved to Florida.

On one occasion he had been sick, and his frailty did hurt. I guess the big thing is that you will have stranger-observers, which we never had.

One thing you should have very clear in your mind is that the most dangerous,  hardened criminal is a perfectly fine dinner host or tea party guest during 90% of their waking hours. People really do know this. If someone puts on a good show during a brief legal proceeding,  it will be your calm and polite resolve that shows people reality.

[A day in September]

Hi all,
thanks so much for your replies and sorry I haven't wrote back earlier! I'm feeling a bit strange these days, not panicky but definitely a bit apathetic... most days I try not to think about the hearing, even though I'm aware that this is not the best way to deal with it, but I'm just so tired to think about this whole ordeal.

I've heard of tapping before but never really looked into it... I watched the video and a few more and even though I'm not sure I'm doing it right I feel it's helping so thanks so much for suggesting that. Also setting the bar low, I think it's great advice... and stay calm and polite, very important. I'm worried that I can get defensive if a family member confronts me so I'm trying to do some visualisation to figure out how I would want to react to various situations. At the same time I also agree with Candy about the impossibility of predicting their behaviours and so I try not to get consumed by this - my apathy helps in this case

Yesterday I was made aware of a surprising change: my uncle has put his hand up to be my mother's guardian. This is the same uncle that I was told was getting sick for looking after my mother (his sister) during her last bipolar manic episode. The same uncle that sort of forced my hand to start this whole procedure telling me (via his son) that I have a legal responsibility towards my mother. I wonder what changed?

The whole family from my mother's side is also very upset with me and they all worry about my "poor mother" and are apparently shocked that I "went this far" as to ask for a legal guardian to be nominated. I was expecting this but it still hurts a lot. The fact that the pain, distress and abuse that I had to suffer because of her goes completely unacknowledged and that I will always be the bad guy just because I'm the one that walked away, makes me sad... and angry. At the same time I now know clearly where they stand, and this is also liberating... I spent so much time thinking about second meanings behind their words or behaviours, not sure if they meant what they said etc., then when I finally accepted that they could be trusted and that it was worth to try to have a relationship with them, I was verbally assaulted by my cousin only a couple of months later.

My mother hired a lawyer and he's been in touch with mine: apparently she is furious with me and doesn't want to see me, so they're trying to arrange to have separate hearing. This would be amazing, I hope they make it happen. Oh, and I've been disinherited (surprise!).

Thanks again so much! It's such a comfort to talk to people who are not only very empathic but also have been through similar situations and they can share their experience and encouragement!

[all4peace]

A Day in Sept, you're facing so much with family dynamics and people taking sides. What a challenging and painful time. Yet your voice sounds really reasonable and strong. I really hope for your sake that your M does manage to get a separate hearing from you, but if that doesn't work out we'll be cheering you on from here as you prepare to face her directly. I'm so sorry about the disinheritance, even if it was expected.