Maybe not a flying monkey?

[MamaDryad]

I'm posting about this because it came to mind while responding in another thread. To be clear: I'm not going to do anything about this either way, and it doesn't really affect my life. It's just something that's been on my mind.

My mother had a close friend, I'll call her Sally, whom she met in law school. She was around a lot when I was growing up, and she was always a kind, fun, sensible person. When I was about ten, she married a man my mom didn't approve of. My mom made a lot of assumptions about his intelligence and values because of his job and because he was fat, which my mother (her whole family, really) loathes. Like many humans, Sally had gained some weight since her early 20s, and my mom fretted to me that her new husband's influence would surely lead her into "unhealthy" (but she really meant "unsightly") territory. I don't know for sure that my mother ever shared these "concerns" with Sally, but she doesn't have much of a filter when she drinks. They moved to another part of the country to begin their life together, and I didn't hear much about Sally for years. I got the sense that they had lost touch completely.

A few years ago, when I was still on LC with my mom, they got back in touch. Sally visited our part of the country and stayed with my mom for a few days. My wife and I went to visit while she was in town. Sally was thriving, having had professional success in a field that emphasizes  and requires strong boundaries and high emotional intelligence. She talked openly and eloquently, as we were catching up, about having set boundaries with some members of her family of origin who had always treated her badly. I liked her as much as ever. She and my mother seemed happy to be reconnected, but it was also very clear to me how much bigger and more fulfilling Sally's life had become through her own hard work, while my mother's had shrunk dramatically.

After that visit, we exchanged emails occasionally, on birthdays and holidays and around the birth of my son. It's clear she's still in touch with my mother and knows generally what's going on. I became more wary and distant after realizing that I needed to go NC with my mom, and I think Sally received the message, because the emails became less frequent. I should also note that never once has she mentioned my mom to me in an email, much less put any pressure on me to reconcile.

My most recent attempt to re-establish VVLC with my mother ended this spring, and my birthday was a few days ago. Right before my birthday, I received an email from Sally wishing me a happy early birthday and telling me that I'm "an amazing woman." I responded, we exchanged a few messages, and then it sort of tapered off.

Am I nuts to feel like this is her way of saying "I'm your mom's friend, and I'm not going to intervene, but I understand and I think you're doing the right thing"? As I said, I don't plan to act on it in any case, but it felt really validating somehow.

[Starboard Song]

I think friendly messages and kind words are friendly and kind. I think it is great. These problems we have make us fear the flying monkeys and we can begin to see them everywhere. I've found that while few join us in our NC, many understand it. And those that don't have mainly been good-hearted souls trying earnestly to help.

I'm so glad you got this message of support!

[footprint]

I've dealt with a lot of flying monkeys in my day (was VLC with both parents since the birth of my first child in 2009 before going full Nc with them in 2016), and Sally does not sound like one to me. In fact, especially given her own background with understanding dysfunction in families and the need for boundaries, it sounds to me as if she could be an ally. I'd keep the channel open with her.

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