Disturbing turn of events

[moglow]

Hi all! I've run into something I'm completely unprepared whether or how to handle - and it frightens me. Brief background: Brother was involved in an auto accident several years ago - suffered concussion, TBI, PTSD, and after a multitude of many and varied physical complaints was told he also had cortisol poisoning. Basically from time of the accident, cortisol dumped into his system and didn't shut off like it's supposed to. He stayed in overdrive, for weeks.

Once he started healing, it became apparent that stress triggers release of cortisol like it's supposed to, but there's little to no shut off valve anymore. His emotional and mental states are unstable - OCD traits are jacked up, he's now got a hair trigger temper and will get very agitated if not outright angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes memory issues and confusion are also problems for him. In his words, he has a lot of very bad days, some not so bad.

So. Mommie dearest lives nearest this brother - he's always been her golden child, but now with his medical and emotional/mental issues, he's got extremely limited patience or tolerance for her or anyone else's bs. She knows this. Honestly I think she pushes just to see how far she can go, or because she senses weakness. I know she's done both with me, and while I don't do resulting confrontations, he will. And he confronts hard.

My concern: He's said more than once he believes he has an aneurysm or possibly enlarged chambers in his heart. He struggles worse some days than others, and she knows this. There's a voice inside me that doesn't want to be heard, that says her confrontations with him are deliberate. That she's pushing with a purpose, and going to push so hard one day that there's no recovery for him. I think she's doing this to play victim yet again, so people will run to her with their sympathies for her situation - or loss. She'll be the center of attention for all the wrong reasons, unable to grasp the magnitude of what she's done.

I know there's nothing I can do here. I can caution him to shut her down and walk away whenever possible, but by the time he does, he's already blown a gasket. He did a few days ago, read me the text he ended up sending her after walking out on her and it was UGLY. Can't say I blame him and frankly it was probably overdue. Some very hard home truths in there - and he has no regrets other than he sent it by text where it will be read over and over and no doubt thrown back in his face. My fear is getting a phone call where someone finds him, and in my mind she'll be the guilty party because she's deliberately continued to push him beyond all reason.

Interestingly enough mother's been quiet with me, no calls or messages to speak of so far, where in years past she'd have called and dumped it all on me. Maybe she's just trying to burn all the bridges so she feels justified in her victimhood. Maybe she realizes that I'm not the bad guy she's painted me to be for so long - that she really is the common denominator of all these destroyed relationships around her. MAYBE she's alone and we don't have any regrets left for a reason, and it's not because we're horrible people.

I dunno. Guess I just needed to be heard. I don't like the way this sounds even in my head, but it's screaming at me.

[SerenityCat]

  This is tough stuff.

I've read this through twice, to think it through. You are facing some big challenges. My guess is that your concerns about your mom's behavior are accurate.

So, you know the drill, you gotta take good care of yourself. Even in the face of all this.

Do you have any health care people to talk this over with?

[moglow]

I know. It's not an easy read, is it? My gut says she's seeking attention at any cost, that's she's truly so removed and self involved that she neither knows nor cares about the realities here. Worse, she may see / imagine some sort of financial gain for herself, something that will magically solve her own problems.

Brother isnt a fan of conventional medicine, abhors the "drug pushing throw a pill at it" mentality (his interpretation), so there are limitations on what he'll allow there as well.

All I can really do for him is try to be a voice of reason and stability. I remind him this didn't just start with her, it's truly who she is. I guess I'm sucker punched seeing that she cares so little for the effect she has on him, that she's getting a charge out of this on sime level. I just want to throw up.

[SerenityCat]

My mom was narcissistic and sadistic, along with lovely paranoid tendencies. She would definitely have done this to one of her children. She easily could have taken in her adult injured GC and hassled them until someone ended up injured or dead. And if she survived the consequences of the situation she had created, she would have behaved like a martyr and also as if she was super special.

I can understand feeling like throwing up. This is stressful, jaw dropping stuff.

It is really something isn't it? ......... when we sense someone being sadistic, when we can tell that they are enjoying making people upset. At least for me, it triggers something primal. I both want to help the victim but also get the hell away from the situation entirely. I want to see what is going on but also make myself look away.

My mom also would have imagined that her bad behavior would some how help her out financially. She would have felt entitled and justified in all she did. There would have been absolutely no reasoning with her.

The GC in our family also is not a fan of conventional medicine. She learned this from our mother. She really really needs to do conventional medicine but instead is doing unhelpful possibly dangerous practices. Moglow I feel for you on that too, you know your brother may be helped by conventional medicine but he is not willing.

You are watching a slow (sometimes fast) moving potential train wreck. That is very stressful.

You are being a voice of reason and stability. That is a great gift to your brother. Taking good care of yourself is a potential excellent role model to him also. You may need to limit how much you are involved in all this. This would not be easy for me personally. But at some point I would need to place limits. Although even as I write this I know this would be tough for me to do.

Is there any sort of Adult Protective Services that you could eventually make a report to?

[Andeza]

Oh moglow, I'm sorry this drama is in your life right now.  Please do take time to take care of yourself. If you're stressed, it's harder to take care of anybody, yourself and FOC included.

I understand wanting to help your brother somehow. In your shoes, I think I'd feel about the same way. Honestly, I think you're already doing everything you can for him.

[moglow]

God Almighty - are you saying even this is not necessarily unheard of or impossible???! That a mother actually can and will essentially drive her own child to his death? Oh no. No nononono.

[Andeza]

I know, it's a sickening thought. Just twists in an unholy way in the gut of every nonPD mom.

[SerenityCat]

God Almighty - are you saying even this is not necessarily unheard of or impossible???! That a mother actually can and will essentially drive her own child to his death? Oh no. No nononono.

I don't mean to add to any anxiety. So I am sending you virtual tasty drinks and food along with cooling breezes.  Maybe a fun diverting TV or movie show too.

You are dealing with unstable people. So ultimately you gotta take really good care of yourself first and foremost. I agree with Andeza. You come first.

[moglow]

Once again "voicing" my concerns with really did help, as much as anything can. Sometimes those voices take over and panic kicks in, then it becomes near impossible to shut down.

It is a slow moving trainwreck in the making, one I can't stop no matter how bad I want to. The debris fallout ain't gonna be pretty. Y'all might as well get the restraints and padded room cleaned up ...

I need to take up kick boxing, get some of this angst out my system.

[WomanInterrupted]

Moglow - when that panic sets in, I *literally* have to talk myself down, so I understand.   

The only thing I can think of for  your brother is does he have a chiropractor?  Do you?  If you don't, do you have a friend who has one he or she trusts?

I say this because most chiropractors network with doctors of the non-pill-pushing variety.  DH called mine and found a great primary, who only suggested he take Vitamin D, because we don't get enough sunlight here.   

Asking a chiropractor to recommend a doctor who doesn't push pills will get your brother *excellent* medical care, and no worries about walking out of an office with 2 dozen scripts he probably doesn't need or want.  (That actually happened to me, but it was *only* a dozen scripts, that I left on the exam table, and no, I never went back.)   

A chiropractor might be beneficial to *both* of you, and if they're affiliated with a massage T, even better!   

The Good Dr. Snapnpop got me through a *really* bad  - and prolonged - bout of adrenal fatigue, when things were starting to really go off the rails with unBPD Didi.

My body was constantly saying, "Danger!  Lions!  Fire!  Alligators!  Muggers!  MUST be in fight-or-flight mode, at all times!"   

Which yeah - there's that cortisol you mentioned before.   

After a night of tossing and turning, I'd wake up like, "WHAT!!?!?!?" - and be prepared for anything, then conk out on the sofa at 8PM (which is something I never do), only to wake up an hour or so later, wonder what planet I was on, feel kind of otherworldly for a while, then come in here and be WIDE awake, only to go to bed, toss and turn all night, and wake up in the morning like, "WHAT!?!?!?!"

Once I got rid of that unwanted nap at 8PM, things *slowly* started to settle down, and I started taking 2mg melatonin, to help me sleep. 

A chiropractor can adjust your body, and help with your glands, but a good massage T will help you release *toxins* that have built up - and can sometimes make you cry by releasing pent-up *trauma* in certain areas on your body.

The first four or five times Niki the Massage Goddess worked on me, I had to take the back roads home because I kept having panic attacks, and mentally, for the rest of the day, it was like wandering around in a fog of not being able to think straight.   

Even 2 quarts of water didn't help - but that eventually got better, I'm happy to say.   

So...some helpful things to think about, at least.

Every little bit we do to help ourselves is GOOD.   

[bloomie]

Moglow - what a truly awful spot to be in with all of this. I am just so sorry for how your brother is suffering and that your mother is fanning the flames and seems to be doing the exact wrong thing for a medically fragile person.

Your support of your brother has to be such a blessing to him and it cannot be underestimated what that gives him. I am thankful he has you to talk through the angst with because, though you make different choices, you understand.

There are those in my own family who act as the provocateur when they are in need of a drama fix or have not been getting the attention they desire or when someone else is going though something that potentially takes the limelight off of them. It is revolting and inexplicable. And yes, it runs the risk of doing great harm to someone who is already struggling.

You are supporting your brother and at the same time are not taking responsibility for someone who is a grown adult. Bravo! You are not trying to fix it, stop it, make it better because they have most likely been locked in this dysfunctional dance for a very long time, it is possible it is just more obvious given the circumstances.

Keep loving and supporting your brother and coming and reaching out here. Take very good care of you right now!!!

[TriedTooHard]

Hi Moglow, there is a very similar situation in my FOO.  At various points in the last decade it seemed like my sister would pass away, but she has prevailed and turned an acute situation into a slow moving train wreck.  She has had help navigating public assistance and the medical system.  Her will to survive is much stronger than the damage uNPDm has done to her.

It is very tragic and sickening to face these realities.  Its made me realize how complex PDs are, and see how where they fall on the spectrum affects what might happen.  Even though things have calmed down and my damaged, ill sister and our uNPDm have reached some sort of mutual living arrangement, I still believe there were times when our uNPDm had the same, sick intentions you suspect of your mother.  I also believe that decades ago, my sister may have intentionally done some things to make herself sick, in order to gain attention, but her will to live was always much stronger.

I'm not a mental health professional, but I'm certain I've seen uNPDm cycle in and out of these ill intentions.  I believe both her and my sister have undiagnosed, untreated ADHD which is tied into these cycles.  I believe in a flash of rage, uNPDm longs to do certain things, but the rage will dissipate and she can't quite get there.  As she gets older and more lonely, she is able to see the bad effects on her.  She may not be able to completely relate cause and effect, but she knows when to back down.  When things get really bad with my sister's health, she panics and I truly believe she does not want to lose her. 

Watching all of this from afar has helped me to learn more about the lost child role.  I used to think I was a scapegoat, but have come to realize that my mother has made most people who crossed her path feel scapegoated at one point or another.  After many years of this, I've learned that I am a true lost child in all of this and I am thankful every day that is the role assigned me.  It helped me to escape a lot of the troubles that my siblings have faced.

With the help of a therapist, I've decided all I can do now is to try and practice simple acts of kindness towards my sister and watch how I behave.  Its not always easy and I slip up from time to time, but it seems to help everyone involved. 

I would go into more detail, but worry I'd reveal too much about their identities.  Please don't hesitate to reach out.

I'm sorry for going on and on about my FOO, but I want to offer you some hope about how you can cope with all of this.  I can't predict what will happen in your brother's situation, and am wishing you will be able to see some improvements, if not for him, for you and the rest of your long suffering siblings.

[all4peace]

Moglow, this is painful to read. It makes me feel sad and sick to think of what your brother is facing since his accident. I know from the inside out what it feels like to have a nervous system that is out of whack, and his sounds like it is dangerously so. I've also experienced family members who push and push, trying to find the buttons, deliberately provoking another "weaker" family member, and it is sickening and enraging.

I think you're already doing what you can, and trying to accept what you can't. It's going to feel horrible, even while doing the right thing. I love your idea of taking up kickboxing to get your OWN cortisol out of your system! It's not good for you, either. Is your brother willing to work on his own self-care?

[Penny Lane]

 

So sorry.

When I'm feeling stuck and helpless like this I like to go back to the very basics. The three c's, "your stuff, my stuff" the 50% rule ... I think even just rereading them might help to recenter you.

If not, maybe kickboxing it is ... that's not the worst idea.

Take care of yourself, this is so hard and it can be really hard on us to watch from afar and feel helpless.

[Spring Butterfly]

Not so very sad and scary, heartbreaking to see a game of cat-and-mouse play out like this. Like you stay a slow-moving train wreck and there is little you could do to stop it. I'm hoping you can find some peace and comfort through it and lots of caring support here of course. Even if all we could do is let you be heard and validated, to walk beside you.

[moglow]

I suspect she'll start a major kiss-up campaign (to him) and be seemingly contrite on the surface. She knows and has said as much to him that if he's not around, no one else is either. So she'll try to hold on to that tenuous relationship just to say she has one. Still no admission that she built this monster by herself and has only herself to thank/blame for it, but there you go.

He's tired. Also lonely and somewhat dependent on her. He doesn't live with her thank goodness, but his property was damaged by last year's hurricane and she's close enough by to provide basic needs. I'm sure he'll limit exposure and duck out, hopefully before she can get a full head of steam. He's not known for walking on eggshells on the best of days. You'd think she'd have learned to mind some manners after all this time, but no. Still a bully.

[moglow]

Thank you, all of you, for seeing me through. It's not a fun place to be and I'm sorry I'm not the only one familiar with this kind of thing. I'm reassured and heartsick at the same time, for all of us.

[moglow]

Update- I got a concerning msg from my brother yesterday morning, said that he felt a tear inside his chest the night befire and felt someone should know. A few more msgs back and forth, I left work and spent the rest of the day with him.

He's not well, at all. He seemed more stable and calm when I left to come back home. But he's moving slow, has frequent headaches and says he was really tired and going to lay down a while (630pm). Says he's been muddled and disoriented for about the last month and it's not clearing. The heat could be a factor - it's been blistering hot here, and he may be dehydrated to some degree as well.

My suspicion is that he's had or is having mini strokes. And that timeframe where this seems to have kicked in is around the time both he and I had alterations with mother.
If you pray, burn sage or dance under the light of the moon, please offer up some positive healing thought for us. It's not a good week.

[Penny Lane]

  thinking of you. Is he going to go to a doctor?

[moglow]

Not sure - he's resistant right now, I suspect due to financials and the preexisting stuff that might haunt him later. And - I'm sure the very real fears and dangers of any procedure. I dunno. I know it took at lot for him to reach out to me and I'm glad I went with my gut and went to him. If nothing else it reassured he's NOT alone.