TY for helping me go NC with my whole family! Now what.....scared?

[Riggo199]

Hi--
I went NC with my Mom about 5 years ago. She is an UNPD.  It was horrible..as she tried to turn my kids against me, she DID turn my cousins against me...basically, everyone in my family.  Last month, I went to visit my Dad.  He has married a woman..just like my Mom...nasty, cruel...Decided after 22 years, I have had enough of both of them!  Last of all, I saw my brother (GC) last month..and got to hear how my both my parents gave him money for a down payment on a new house and helped with moving.  I thought he was with me.....he was also abused by both my parents....never physically, like me, just emotionally/mentally.  He told me he is going to stick by my Mom because he is going to get $$$ from her..for payback...for all the mental abuse (she is very wealthy..married a rich guy).  SO!  I have decided to go NC with all of them.  It is affecting my health...tremendously. They take up SO MUCH of my head space...always!!  I told my brother last month that I was done with all of them.  I don't think he understood.....but, oh well.  Both him and my Dad are co-dependent Narcs.  They suffocate me with their constant victim mentality.

I am 56 years old and FINALLY, through a ton of therapy and yoga, am healing and coming Out of the FOG.  NO MORE.  I am wondering what I am doing.  I am worrying that maybe I should have told my Dad I was leaving?  I feel mean for just cutting everyone off....but, then, no one ever cared about me....unless they needed money.  I have given them sooo much money.  I am MAD at myself for being a doormat this long.  WTH was I thinking?!  How did you feel after you went NC?  Did you have similiar feelings?

If you got this far, thank you for reading this.  My trigger today was seeing that I had a TON of family photos on my computer.  Wondering if I should just delete them all.  It was hard to look at even a few....so many emotions.  UGH!

[SerenityCat]

I did have similar feelings. I can relate.

You were not being mean to anyone. You did not have to tell anyone that you were leaving. Your first priority is your own well being.

I had to eventually make sure to feed my mind healthy distraction and inspiration. Because otherwise I would ruminate too much about my abusive dysfunctional family. Of course I would still think about family and my childhood, but I made sure to have plenty of other things to think about.

I work on making my mind be my friend.

Photos really triggered me too. I scanned everything and threw away the hard copies because it actually upset me to own anything physical that my mother had touched. I then uploaded some photos to family history sites so other relatives and researchers would have access. I moved a few choice photos to a thumb drive and then deleted the rest. For me, it is important that my computer be trigger free.

[Andeza]

Full disclosure, I'm not no contact with my FOO. At least not yet, but we'll see.

I just want to offer you encouragement. Please keep on with the therapy and the yoga, taking care of yourself, evicting your family from your headspace.

Don't feel like you necessarily have to make these decisions, about whether to keep pictures or not etc, all at once. There is time. If it's easier to throw them in a folder out of sight and out of mind for a while as you figure things out and get yourself more comfortable, that's okay. There's no big right or wrong here.

Also, feel no guilt. You do not owe anyone anything, including an explanation. If they really cared to know, they could reflect on their behavior over the years and probably come up with multiple reasons as to why you're no longer answering phone calls and whatnot.

You were programmed from infancy to be a doormat. Some people never see that what they have suffered is abuse. They never see that there is an alternative. They never see that there is freedom to be had. You've done well. Don't beat yourself up. This is where "being kind to yourself" comes in. What this country girl would call "cutting yourself some slack." 

Also, financial abuse is a real thing. Just like physical, emotional, or verbal abuse it can be hard to see and understand, and also hard to recover from. There also seems to be much less information available on it. I follow a financial guy on youtube named Dave Ramsey. He likes to say that parents that financially abuse their children are no good. They are the lowest of the low and he has no mercy for them. I pretty much agree. A lot of stuff has been done TO you, when as parents they are supposed to do stuff FOR your betterment.

Sending you hugs and hope for a bright future. Less stress. Less drama. No PD's following you around. 

[Riggo199]

Andeza and Serenity:  thanks so much.  I appreciate your responding to my email.  It is so nice to not be alone in dealing with this.  This website is my lifeline.

Dave Ramsey said that?  Oh man, I must have missed that.  Thanks for sharing.  I was so blind...giving them SOO much money....even though they kicked me out of the house, they would meet me at a local restaurant and take my paychecks.  Me: that's ok, I have 2 other jobs so I can support myself.  GEEZ was I dumb!!

I think I will just not look at the photos for awhile.  TY for telling me what you did.  I spent many months getting rid of everything in my house that said, "my Mom" after I went no contact.  I felt like everything was diseased.  I hated her and did not want any reminders of her.  I still get nervous she will just SHOW UP one day.  She is pure evil.

Anyway, again thanks.

[Lillith65]

My trigger today was seeing that I had a TON of family photos on my computer.  Wondering if I should just delete them all.  It was hard to look at even a few....so many emotions.  UGH!

Hi Riggo,
We are similar ages and I also do a lot of yoga 🙂My solution regarding photos was to create a folder and put them all in there. On an iPad or Mac you can create a folder/category called hidden which does not give thumbnails and is not visible unless you specifically look for it. It helps me a lot. 😊