afraid of ex-friend

[appaloosa]

     I became friends about 3 months ago with a woman who moved to my town (we left our country and moved abroad, and first met at an expat gathering) She moved into an apartment next door to me. Everything was fine, we spent a lot of time together, dinners, wine on the patio, dog walks, etc. I should have noticed a lot of red flags--everyone in her past was a 'raging narcissist'--parents, siblings, coworkers, boyfriends, ex husbands. She also had NO friends. Zero. Her moods also vacillated wildly. But I foolishly ignored all that--until--I made an innocuous comment about a vacation and wow. I'd never seen this kind of scary rage.
     So without writing a book, I basically said that I needed some time and distance to process my thoughts. First she said okay, then she texted back a raging email telling me she had unfriended me and to not contact her again. Which actually was a relief, because I was kind of scared of her. Two weeks passed and she verbally assaulted me today when she saw me--calling me 4 letter words, screaming. (another neighbor heard the entire exchange) I went into my apartment. Later she appeared outside my door--more screaming and cursing. Then this afternoon she stood in the garden glaring at my windows and throwing tennis balls at my wall! And followed up with a threatening email telling me to never eff with her again etc etc (this entire episode was set off because my landlady offered to put up a separate laundry line for my neighbor so that she wouldn't have to hang her laundry on my remodeled patio--I agreed and paid the handyman myself--I thought the landlady was going to pay for it but the handyman told me she didn't--and it was less than 5.00 USD anyway)
     Now I'm afraid to leave my dogs or cats out in the garden (thinking bunny boiler) So my question is--should I move? I hate to because I've only been here 5 months and just finished several expensive remodels but I'm afraid she might try to hurt me or my animals. Pretty sure my landlady can't legally evict her. What would you do? Am I being paranoid? Is it unlikely that borderlines (she ticks all the boxes)  physically attack others?

[SerenityCat]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

If possible, keep copies of everything she emails and texts you. Might be wise to start a log book too so you can jot down the date, time, and content of each contact with her.

You are not being paranoid.

If possible, tell you landlady, at least as a heads up. You can tell her the basic facts. She needs to know. You can let her know that you will call the police if need be.

You can call the police any time your neighbor makes you feel unsafe. You can tell them that you are being screamed and cursed at. You could also just have a conversation with the local police and see what they suggest.

In your situation, I would be watching my dogs and cats closely when they are outside. I'd limit their outside time and keep dogs on leash when possible.

You might want to start looking into what the process is to get a restraining order, just in case.

Because she is behaving in an unstable raging fashion I think that you do need to heighten your safety awareness. Keep lots of physical room between you and her outside. Don't be alone with her inside. Don't get into long conversations with her. Do keep doors locked and do be watchful when you leave and return to your home.

Hopefully she will never try to physically attack but it is wise to be prepared.

[appaloosa]

The log is an excellent idea, thank you. I think I will print out all her texts and emails and put them in too. Ugh. Part of me wants to fight to stay  but most of me is saying I need get out. My well being and safety is worth more than money.

[SerenityCat]

I've read up online various ideas on how to cope with difficult neighbors. Universally common advice says to keep a log and print outs of everything. Even if you move, you may want to keep this for awhile.

I feel for you. I've had some really difficult neighbors myself. I'll always remember one police officer who responded to my call, he listened to my story, then confided that he himself was probably going to have to move from where he lived because of a difficult neighbor.  He had a neighbor who yelled and spread damaging gossip but wasn't quite bad enough to require jail or hospital.

Your well being and safety is worth more than money. You are very wise with this knowledge.

[clara]

I agree with SerenityCat--logs, inform landlady, run it by police (I don't know where you live but here police literally can't do anything much in cases like this, not unless she physically assaults you).  The problem is, you don't know what her issue is.  She could be a BPD, or have some type of PD, and is throwing tantrums in order to control you and impress you with her ability to throw tantrums.  I had a uNPD/BPD friend who would do this and he was always very aware of his boundaries with this type of behavior.  He knew what he could get away with and with whom, and he never crossed a line he wasn't secure in crossing.  However, she could also have a psychosis and could honestly be dangerous.  While it's painful to feel your hand is being forced in this instance, you have to protect yourself first.  If your gut instinct is to leave then you should leave. 

In The Sociopath Next Door, there's a chapter on a woman very much like your neighbor.  The author regards her as an "abrasive psychopath" who basically sees other people around her as inferior beings who deserve abuse.  She lives for conflict because it makes her feel something, gives her some excitement.  In this case, she ends up moving away because her neighbors refuse to deal with her, ignore her etc.  She runs out of steam because she gets no emotional payoff from their reactions.  Again, however, you have to ask yourself if you want to do a wait-and-see approach or go with your gut. 

[appaloosa]

Thanks. I read that book also--fascinating.

[StayWithMe]

I'm under the impression that tenants who engage in anti social behavior need to be dealt with.  But then what's defined as anti social is probably different in each area and the steps to take when dealing with it.  You may want to look into laws governing rental property and tenants.