Returning to forums after a long hiatus

[Drawing_boundaries]

Hi Out of the FOG folk,
It has been a few years since I have ventured onto this support forum so I thought I would post in the intro again... please move it if in the wrong forum. Sometimes I would think about coming back here but couldn't deal with all my family of origin pain that being here brings up. A recent anxiety episode sent me back to my therapist and she gently brought up that I was having a trauma response.... to being safe and free from triangulation, pd and gaslighting. It has blown my mind. I am the most successful, safe, happy, physically and mentally healthy and it appears that my body is so conditioned to being in abuse cycles that it is freaking out. Like really freaking out.

To provide some background - I have been no contact for 3-4 years with all my biological family except my enabling father. My enabling father was blacklisted by the family for various reasons which made it possible and safe for me to maintain a relationship with him. 1 year ago he died. There was the usual dramatic display around the funeral etc but I just stayed uncontactable & it has worked. No one is trying to contact me or drag me into their endless drama. I assumed subconsciously that the 1 year anniversary would trigger further contact and another assault on me in the usual pattern I am use to. The fact that nothing has happened has left me feeling entirely lost and out of my comfort zone.

I'm finding it difficult to deal with the trauma response (anxiety, racing heart, inability to sleep, hypersensitive to noise even in sleep). Has anyone been through this?
It seems so hard to comprehend that I am FINALLY safe and untangled from my family of origin only to be unable to cope with a healthy life. I am sad that my foo have hobbled my ability to have full and healthy life. I'm terrified of close interpersonal relationships - I keep everyone and everything light and surface.

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome back. Oh, boy is it a long cycle to finally rid ourselves of the specter of our FOO issues. Along with what may be a possible fresh wave of grief for the loss of your dad as well. I can so relate. Making the heart/mind connection that we are safe and able to form deep and lasting connections with those we love, for me takes doing some kind of edifying recovery work within myself every day. I have come to accept that about myself as a core need to stay in touch with and pushing toward health and growth, learning and evolving.

I am really glad you have made your way back and hope that this time will be comforting, encouraging, and the support will be healing. I am very sorry for the losses you have endured and thankful you have reached out for connection and support!

[biggerfish]

only to be unable to cope with a healthy life

Hi Drawing. I'm glad you're back. I question something you said, which is quoted above. As Bloomie has suggested, it takes a while. Humans are easily conditionable, but the good news is that we can recondition ourselves. So maybe it feels hard right now, but you are able. Use everything you know about cognitive therapy or operant conditioning, or forming new habits, or all of that. Stick with it. I can tell you from personal experience that I learned how to cope with a healthy life (I went NC four years ago), and you can too.

There's a slogan in the twelve step groups that I like, which is: "Stick with the Winners." On this forum, it means to especially pay attention to those who found emotional health for themselves. Ask them how they did it. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find out that it's less about self-understanding, and more about self-reinforcing good habits of thinking and relating.

I'm cheering you on, Drawing. You sure sound ready.     

[Drawing_boundaries]

Hi Biggerfish & Bloomie,
Thank you for re-welcoming me here. I too am hoping I can stay in these forums more and learn from others who have successfully build healthy lives for themselves beyond the FOO PD hell-hole. Maybe even on day I could offer hope to other people trying to untangle themselves.

Currently I am in a state of shock that I can have such a bad reaction to a healthy life. Bloomie you said "for me takes doing some kind of edifying recovery work within myself every day". If you are comfortable could you tell me what this looks like?

I am currently taking time to meditate & have a responsible exercise program in place for mental health.
Thank you

[bloomie]

Bloomie you said "for me takes doing some kind of edifying recovery work within myself every day". If you are comfortable could you tell me what this looks like?

I am currently taking time to meditate & have a responsible exercise program in place for mental health.
Thank you

It sounds like you are already dedicated to doing thing for your mind, body, and soul that are healing and build you up. 

Because my thinking and mental pathways developed in an environment that was not safe and where disordered thinking, reasoning, and choices were my role models, I work to create new, healthy pathways by reading, listening to vids and pod casts, in real life lectures and studies, that reinforce and build on all I have learned since coming Out of the FOG.

So, many books in our book review have become part of my relearning process. Learning to recognize when I am triggered (a trauma response long engrained) and Journaling and processing through it. Doing work around understanding my emotions and working with them in reasonable ways such as the work of Karla McLaren found here: https://www.karlamclaren.com/start-here/ and understanding and using the wisdom of the enneagram have all been great helps to me. I find that challenging myself and learning new things or different ways of viewing the world has helped me so much to move beyond the limits of what my FOO envisioned for themselves and for me.

I am a woman of faith and so daily centering prayer and immersing myself in scripture are essential to my healing journey and finding a steady path for my feet.

And I have a small trusted group of friends I spent quite a while looking for and building for myself that get it and we gather regularly to support each other and work through the complexities of our lives.

Those are just a few of the ways I continue to do what I believe I will need to do for the rest of my life to maintain the renewed perspective I have found in coming Out of the FOG and to cope with the encounters I have with the inexplicable and often harmful behaviors of family members who I encounter.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi and welcome back! I joined a year ago and have found so much insight here and people who really get it about the process.

When i tead your post I thojght about this as frozen grief maybe?  have been told / read that the grieving happens in stages. What you said about no one contacting you, and that you're in shock...your body could be realizing it is now safe to grieve the loss of something you lost.

Your post helps me frame some of the emotional responses I've had since going NC over 10 years ago. When the FOO just moved on and didn't contact, I look back and see that I endured some intense emotions and symptoms that you described.

I just listened to a podcast episode with Dan brown on disrupted attachment. He talked about things that relate to what you are saying and he also focuses on reconditioning ourselves over time, to "make" our brains process interpersonal stuff the way it would if there had been healthy inputs during our original imprinting (childhood).

My favorite book right now on living Out of the FOG is the Pete Walker book. He wrote about flashbacks and how to cope with the way that our recovery is "two steps forward, one step back" sometimes.

It sounds like you are going to gain more wisdom about your body and what it is feeling. Let the meditation and exercise make its way into your inner layers...your nervous system. It can feel slow but it does shift. Our bodies are wise and stubborn. They ways we protected ourselves in earlier phases of our life need to feel you giving permission to let go and "update" to make way for the healing you are working hard for. I've found exercise to be most helpful when I try not to expect results right away. Sometimes now I tell myself yes I'll go for a walk or run today, and I may still be ruminating the rest of today but 2 days from now , maybe in my sleep, maybe when I'm making supper,  my body will integrate the self care I did 2 days ago. I think of it this way to let my body off the hook for not always doing what I expect.

Looking forward to hearing more about your experiences with your self care!

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you for your suggestions Bloomie. I am going to look at the resources you have suggested and start learning more about how my FOO have impacted my development. The enneagram looks particularly interesting and will give me something to reflect on. I will also start looking at the book recommendations. Seeing myself reflected in the written word is always reassuring.

I do find it difficult to be on this site as I have had the self imposed narrative that 'this is normal everyone comes from messed up families'. Coming to these forums confronts this narrative and tells me that I am not in fact from a normal family nor is it normal to be from a messed up family.

Treesgrowslowly, you are so right in saying that this is frozen grief. I am safe from them and have noticed myself saying 'it is really over' all of it. There is no 'final confrontation' or knock on the door surprise visit. It is scary to think it is over - no more endless drama. Also it is joyous to think of all that I potentially could achieve in this time I would have otherwise spent battling them.

Whilst it is hard being here I am going to make a commitment to regularly check into the forums and learn from others and hopefully help other Out of the FOG members along the way. Treesgrowslowly would it be possible to share a link to the podcast you mentioned? I fear that unless I can deal with the disruption to attachment that I went through I will never form an intimate relationship.
Thank you

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi again!

Here is the link to the podcast interview about healing from attachment trauma.

https://shrinkrapradio.com/649-working-with-attachment-and-trauma-with-daniel-brown-phd/

Trees

[biggerfish]

I do find it difficult to be on this site as I have had the self imposed narrative that 'this is normal everyone comes from messed up families'. Coming to these forums confronts this narrative and tells me that I am not in fact from a normal family nor is it normal to be from a messed up family.

Hi Drawing. Here's my own personal experience with making a distinction. It's just an example, but I hope it will be helpful.

My husband's family of origin is a pastiche of very different people, all of whom have different blind spots, grudges, opinions, goals, insights, and so forth, which makes some things difficult, such as caring for an aging parent. What I just described is a normal family. In fact, right now his family is under quite a bit of strain, and tensions are building. They're not entirely getting along. But they're a normal family.

On the other hand, my own family of origin has always been controlled and manipulated by one person. The entire family is saturated in denial. Growing up, all of us became maladapted socially,  and stunted in our emotional growth. The denial and manipulation continue. What I just described is not a normal family.  It's toxic and unhealthy.

Right now my husband and I are happily directing some emotional energy toward his family in what we know is a healthy way (it's actually helping) and we feel really good about. We believe his family will get through this. They all mean well, have good hearts, and care about each other.

My family, on the other hand? I've been NC for four years now.

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you Biggerfish this gives me some signposts to see what is a healthy family. It seems to be about power dynamics.

and Bloomie thank you for the link I'm going to find time today to listen and understand.

[all4peace]

Welcome back, drawingboundaries!

There's a good thread on trauma responses going on right now that you might find helpful: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=80848.0

I found is extremely helpful when I was at that stage to learn about the brain and nervous system. Rather than seeing myself as a totally broken person who would never be "normal" (whatever that is), I came to understand that my brain was wired in certain ways due to trauma and could be re-wired by me and in the context of a safe relationship (for you, your therapist). The nervous system can also be soothed and calmed down in a variety of ways.

For me, yoga, breathing, meditation, prayer, exercise (burn off that cortisol!), time in nature, crying, writing, inner-child work, physical comfort (my husband) and more have over time (years) completely calmed my nervous system. I've been where you are, and it's miserable. And you won't be there forever, truly.

Start with breathing, as it's simple and a part of you every moment of your life. Long, slow, deep breaths. Four counts in, four counts hold, four counts out, a few cycles in a row.

Also consider learning how to calm your mind. Our thoughts can control us, until we learn to control them. Dr. Caroline Leaf has excellent podcasts about toxic thought, the mind-body connection, anxiety and more. They are short, super practical and easy to understand. I have found them invaluable.

[all4peace]

ps (because I always remember something else)

Start with the basics. Some days it's enough to simply drink enough water. Self-care is vital. Trauma work and all the fancy-schmancy stuff matters, but seriously just start with very basic self care. Try to eat well, drink water, try to have good sleep schedule even if you can't sleep, get a little physical activity. Some days just getting enough water was a battle, and yet it sent a message to all parts of me that WE were going to start getting better.

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you for the welcome All4peace. I will look at the thread you linked & have subscribed to the podcast. I found the podcast Treesgrowslowly really useful! I've listened to it twice and still it is blowing my mind. There is so much to unpack from that one podcast - especially around attachment and understanding why I am not a PD whilst my siblings are. Very enlightening.

My anxiety response is up and down the last few days. Because I am not sleeping (or only sleeping lightly) my brain has decided I need to move house and find somewhere silent to live etc etc... I know that this is an extreme response. I keep telling myself I have a lovely secure home in a great neighbourhood close to everything I could possibly need. Telling myself this it isn't helping me sleep but it is keeping my brain under control and limiting the reach and control of my anxiety. I feel like moving house would fulfil the need for chaos and drama that my body seems to need right now.

Thank you for saying it is a difficult space. As a way to deal with my earlier life I normalise whatever point I am at. This means if I am doing very well I minimise it and if I am doing poorly I also minimise it. In my head it is 'I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal." I am trying something different to counteract this - I am being honest with myself and labelling my emotions. I am giving myself permission to cry & have been doing deep breathing whenever I feel my heart start to race. It works too!!

I feel like this space gives me the chance to talk about this stuff without triggering my fear of people. Very grateful for it.