Energy Thief

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Fae Greenwood

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Energy Thief
« on: August 07, 2019, 06:34:52 PM »
I intend to stay in my marriage so I assume Ill be posting here. I only found this group a few months ago but have been dealing with the reality of my situation for a long time and am trying to find ways of coping with a husband who honestly believes that we have a good, even great marriage while I struggle to tolerate him. I used to think of my uNPDh as a giant spider sucking the joy out of my life. I realized lately though that hes more of an energy thief. For instance, in a normal couple relationship he walks in the door from work, she walks in a few minutes later, he says hi honey, she responds hey sweetheart, they kiss, and they both create good energy together. My husband would walk in the door, I used to say hi honey glad youre home, and hed shrug at me and walk away. I finally came to see that he was stealing the positive energy Id created. He felt good and welcome and loved while I was rejected and drained.

Over 4 1/2 years ago it was one shrug too many and I stopped greeting him. He mentioned it after 3 full years! No saying welcome home anymore? I responded that I stopped over 3 years ago and hadnt he noticed. He had no visible reaction. I feel better overall now and consider this self care as I am maintaining my energy reserves.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am responsible for my choices but not the choices of anyone else.

When we have a child, we give a hostage to fortune and to the other parent.

I may not respond as I have to sneak onto this site and more than a quick view is challenging.

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GentleSoul

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2019, 06:38:57 AM »
Very good work.  I totally relate.  As I have worked on my recovery, I have also stopped doing lots of things that I could see were a waste of my time.

I have started to value myself and my time now.   Like you, I am committed to remain in my marriage with my uPD husband.  I have been working on changing myself.  I recommend Medium Chill to you, it has worked miracles for me.   

Also I no longer sit in the room while uPD husband pontificates at great length with his list of complaints and criticisms of the world.  As soon as it starts, I am gone.   Over time he has stopped doing it, as he realises I will leave. 

I see it as being around an energy vampire or parasite, they suck everyone dry given the chance.  We are allowed to protect ourselves.

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Frances29

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2019, 10:01:08 PM »
 :yeahthat:

A parasite ... indeed. Attention seeking and sucking the life out of the room ..

I stopped the greetings morning and nightly; 3 years ago.

We used to do the big daddy's home when the youngest was little. Then my husband started mostly working from home (again, which Ive forbidden and its a boundary he WILL NOT ACCEPT).

Now on the days he does manage to haul himself to work, I say nothing when he walks in in the evening.

I dont care. 

The past 15 years - He has usually been drinking before he got home so he didnt notice I stopped greeting him. But a few months ago - as hes trying to get sober - he started walking in the door and expecting a parade, saying Hello, Im home!! And I am  :roll: no one cares. The guys been drunk for years, staying out late, making sure to sneak in home once his wife and kids are in bed. Now because hes trying to sober up he wants a celebration for walking in the door.  :sadno: nope.

Often, as he is authority defiant and seemingly wants to get laid off again, he rarely goes to work; so he wakes up whenever he wakes up in the morning,  and comes into the kitchen to grab a coffee on a random Weekday and plops himself on the couch, while I make kids breakfast, chase a dog around, get backpacks, kids dressed as he sits on a couch texting people on his phone. When he waltzes downstairs he says Good MORNING as if we are all supposed to stop what we are doing to say good morning to an over grown attention seeking baby - whose supposed to be at work.

I say nothing.  I dont care.

My kids say good morning, but its  quickly followed up by what are you doing here dad dont you have to work today. Sad that an eight-year-old and a 13-year-old have to say this to their dad on a weekday.  Some role model ...

Its exhausting. But I have my dealbreakers in place. Hes laid off again, hes gone. He drinks again hes gone. Im sticking to them.

I work from home and am the main breadwinner ... so having him around all day off and on for 18 YEARS due to his lay offs and job refusal has pretty much destroyed my feelings for him. 

I MC & GR and distance myself when hes home. Ignore him most of the time, and am focusing more on myself now. I  started working out again. Meeting friends for lunch. Hes always hassled me where did you go, who were you with, so rather than face 20 questions I just stop doing anything I wanted to do because I was worrying about how he was going to hassle me when I got home. Because hes always home - as he might work 2-3 days a week.

 But, now I am going out with friends and when I come home and he demanded to know where I was or who I was with I say, what and walk away.

Reclaim as much of your time as YOU can for YOURSELF.

I like to read at night, so after I put the kids to bed, I go to my room and read (I got him out of the master years ago due to snoring, flailing in sleep, hitting me in his sleep), and multiple lay offs that had us both at home 24/7 all day together for years. Bed was my only escape from him. At least I had 8 hours to myself in my bed.

Soup to Nuts; Hes taken up enough of my time, money, and support me woe is me Rhetoric. Ive plumb run out of patience for him.

 I have never once ambushed her room screeching good morning or I am home expecting a parade for me / but Im also not attention seeking constantly. H wants attention constantly- good or bad. Thats the energy thief. Dont give him any.

Ignore. Hes feasting off your attention.

For now because of my kids. I stay. But my patience is fading quickly...

Good luck to you. Use the tool box for techniques to make it easier on yourself.

Staying isnt easy and leaving presents is own difficulties.... we have to do what makes the best of our bad situations & for now thats staying for us here on this board.

The thought of seeing my kids half the time, and hes been irresponsible financially and personally and has driven drunk and been drunk most of the marriage. I cant leave my kids with him.

« Last Edit: August 10, 2019, 10:41:01 PM by Frances29 »

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Julian R

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2019, 10:06:31 AM »
"Energy thief"!  What a helpful phrase.  I always feel like I am running on low energy - it is true my uPDw drains me.

I can identify with a lot of the homecoming stuff.  My wife gets home from work well before I do.  When I arrive I usually try a cheery "Hi I am back / home!"  And often I will be greeted by one of my wifes' monologues - a long detailed complaint about something that happened in the day - or a long time ago; or otherwise requests and demands to get something done or to help her with something (I usually get straight into meal preparation once home).  It is just about her ... her ... her ... Almost never a "How has your day been?" and on the rare occasions that is said at some stage in the evening there is never time to answer but she moves on to her own stuff - i am expected to listen but rarely feel heard.

Yes it is hard to maintain positivity around someone rather negative (any tips).  And hard to maintain energy around someone so draining (any tips).

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FreeSophia

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2019, 04:37:00 AM »
It IS a lot like having all of the energy sucked out of you... I can relate. my PDh is very very needy and clingy and paranoid, constantly needing validation and attention. For example, when I go to work he clings to me for an annoying amount of time, especially if I am running late, like he's trying to make me push him away so he can be mad at me. He doesn't just give me a kiss and a "goodbye, I love you, have a good day!" It's always this drawn out, desperate, unhappy goodbye as if I am leaving him forever. When I get home and say "Hi everyone, I'm home!" he is immediately on top of me everywhere I go, questioning me about my day, (like EVERY detail of my day), and telling me I'm acting "off" and asking me why I am grumpy, until I actually do get irritated with him. Why can't he just say "hi, how was your day?" like a normal person would.... Bedtime is the worst. I just want to kiss and say "goodnight, I love you!" but instead he starts in on how he doesn't think I love him and he thinks I must have cheated on him and that I'm acting "weird".... omg it is exhausting...!!! (btw, no infidelity has ever ever happened, I always feel like I need to clarify that...)

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Fae Greenwood

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2019, 02:33:10 AM »


I can identify with a lot of the homecoming stuff.  My wife gets home from work well before I do.  When I arrive I usually try a cheery "Hi I am back / home!"  And often I will be greeted by one of my wifes' monologues - a long detailed complaint about something that happened in the day - or a long time ago; or otherwise requests and demands to get something done or to help her with something (I usually get straight into meal preparation once home).  It is just about her ... her ... her ... Almost never a "How has your day been?" and on the rare occasions that is said at some stage in the evening there is never time to answer but she moves on to her own stuff - i am expected to listen but rarely feel heard.

Julian R, this is EXACTLY what was happening. I would try to be cheerful even if Id had an awful day. Hed see me smiling and I finally realized he thought I was happy and had to take me down. Hed start about how awful his day was, work/commute/lunch/money/etc. and what had I done all day, anyway, hmm? I tried to make him feel welcome and loved and I think he was so unaware that I was doing it not by feelings but by choice because he doesnt choose to alter his behavior for the sake of another person (or at least for me as he prides himself on what he calls his honesty, which is code for he can be nasty to me and I have to accept it and even praise it as truth). So now there is silence. I am paying for it, as I now cannot build even a fake closeness. He appears to have barely noticed. The loneliness is bad, its just not as bad as being attacked for trying to cheer him up.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am responsible for my choices but not the choices of anyone else.

When we have a child, we give a hostage to fortune and to the other parent.

I may not respond as I have to sneak onto this site and more than a quick view is challenging.

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Julian R

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2019, 08:49:17 AM »


Julian R, this is EXACTLY what was happening. I would try to be cheerful even if Id had an awful day. Hed see me smiling and I finally realized he thought I was happy and had to take me down. Hed start about how awful his day was, work/commute/lunch/money/etc. and what had I done all day, anyway, hmm? I tried to make him feel welcome and loved and I think he was so unaware that I was doing it not by feelings but by choice because he doesnt choose to alter his behavior for the sake of another person (or at least for me as he prides himself on what he calls his honesty, which is code for he can be nasty to me and I have to accept it and even praise it as truth). So now there is silence. I am paying for it, as I now cannot build even a fake closeness. He appears to have barely noticed. The loneliness is bad, its just not as bad as being attacked for trying to cheer him up.

Sorry to hear this.  I can understand as it is quite similar to where I am at.  Yes my wife can say some horrid things in the name of honesty without thinking of how i or others might feel hurt by it.  And I have to admit that I no longer try much for closeness or even fake closeness. My wife doesn't seem to notice either; it is indeed a lonely place to be.  I trust you will find support here and advice about how to move forward or cope and manage better.

I have made progress by not JADEing - it is true that this avoids hurtful things being said and circular conversations that can get out of control but as you say, avoiding some of the worse things does not suddenly make the relationship good, it just gives us perhaps a bit of space to work more on ourselves.

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rubixcube

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2019, 05:59:07 PM »
My husband would walk in the door, I used to say hi honey glad youre home, and hed shrug at me and walk away. I finally came to see that he was stealing the positive energy Id created. He felt good and welcome and loved while I was rejected and drained.
:yeahthat:
Fantastic way of describing this.!

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allsaints

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2019, 06:15:24 PM »
For instance, in a normal couple relationship he walks in the door from work, she walks in a few minutes later, he says hi honey, she responds hey sweetheart, they kiss, and they both create good energy together. My husband would walk in the door, I used to say hi honey glad youre home, and hed shrug at me and walk away.

My partner does the same thing. Its very bizarre. When we first moved in together, I was so confused when he didn't  greet me when he came home from work (I work from home) nor say goodbye to me as he left for work.  I thought he had an off day. This continued for weeks until I said something. He also would come and go to run errands without mentioning anything to me. He sort of shrugged when I said Id like to be acknowledged when he enters the house and made aware when he is leaving. He has made it a point to acknowledge me now when he arrives home. He also lets me know if hes going somewhere. Unless hes mad at me about something. Then he goes right on ignoring me for days until I guess what hes upset about.

Interestingly, when we visited and stayed with his family, he would let them know our plans for the day like if we were going out and when. As courteous and normal people do. I dont get it.

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GentleSoul

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Re: Energy Thief
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2019, 06:15:59 AM »

Interestingly, when we visited and stayed with his family, he would let them know our plans for the day like if we were going out and when. As courteous and normal people do. I dont get it.

My take on this is that they have different sets of rules of how they behaviour for different people. 

Sorry you have this to deal with.