You don't owe anyone an explanation

LifeIsWorthLiving · August 08, 2019, 01:37:21 PM

I recently had this breakthrough and wanted to share it in case anyone is struggling with the same thing. Growing up in a home with NPD parents, I was regularly interrogated by my dad over anything and everything. "Where are you going?" "Where did you get the money to buy this?" "Who were you talking to?", etc. You get the picture. It made it impossible to do anything and so I eventually gave up trying and just sat around doing nothing for most of my teenage years.

Well, that sort of conditioning in my youth had a really negative impact on my life as an adult. I felt I needed to provide an explanation for absolutely everything I did. Why I am late, where I am going, why I have to take a day off of work, how my love life is going, etc. It meant I was the biggest over sharer on the planet. I've learned a few things from this behavior:

1. Healthy people often don't care or want to know the details of my life all the time.
2. Constantly explaining myself makes me seem guilty of something to the casual observer (Like I am overly defensive or something).
3. Revealing personal information to random people is just not a great practice, they don't always have my best interests at heart.
4. People who interrogate me for information they have no business knowing are violating a boundary and I have no obligation in telling them anything.

So, this has been incredibly freeing. The toughest thing for me has been feeling forced to talk to people that are really just prying busybodies. I'm learning to politely tell them to mind their own business. Sometimes I directly call them out on their nosiness.

Hope this helps! I usually only post when something bad happens, so I wanted to post something positive for you all.

Blueberry Pancakes · August 08, 2019, 02:26:50 PM

So very true. I like the title "you don't owe anyone an explanation". We can say that about so many things. Just because someone is asking, we do not have to actually answer or expose more information than we are comfortable with. It can be a difficult concept to understand if you are driven to want people to like you and you don't want to say or do something that might turn them away. Knowing to use the words and actions to deflect such inquiries without being argumentative is indeed a skill to put into practice. It is just a healthy behavior. Thank you for sharing.

Sidney37 · August 08, 2019, 02:31:30 PM

I needed this today. Thanks for sharing.

LifeIsWorthLiving · August 08, 2019, 03:16:33 PM

Quote from: Blueberry Pancakes on August 08, 2019, 02:26:50 PM
So very true. I like the title "you don't owe anyone an explanation". We can say that about so many things. Just because someone is asking, we do not have to actually answer or expose more information than we are comfortable with. It can be a difficult concept to understand if you are driven to want people to like you and you don't want to say or do something that might turn them away. Knowing to use the words and actions to deflect such inquiries without being argumentative is indeed a skill to put into practice. It is just a healthy behavior. Thank you for sharing.

Someone recently described this to me as a power differential. If you are having to answer questions posed to you, you are automatically less powerful than the one asking the questions. Now, unless you are on the witness stand or in a deposition, there is no reason to be in that position. The questioners throw their weight around as a power play. I've found that my family trade in information. They dig up as much as they can on anyone they know and then will use that information to control the person or if they can't control them, to discredit them. It's really screwed up. My best defense is to just get as far away from that nonsense as possible. Healthy people don't like to be around people like that, so I am not losing any real friends by cutting contact.

Cat of the Canals · August 08, 2019, 04:25:43 PM

This is a great reminder.

One of the things I used to feel the most guilt about when I was still in the fog were the things I withheld from the PDs in my life. I felt like not sharing *everything* was somehow being dishonest. Now I know I was subconsciously protecting myself from the intrusiveness and prying. It was a healthy response.

When I was going through some health stuff a while back, my uBPD mil was hell-bent on inserting herself in it. (e.g. She tried to invite herself to my surgery. We are not close, so this was just bizarre.) After my surgery, she came for a visit. At one point, she turned to me and pointedly asked, "What time is your follow-up appointment on Wednesday?"

Immediately alarm bells started going off, but I didn't know why. I said, "Oh, uh... I don't remember."
(Which was a lie.)

After she left, I realized what bothered me about her question was wanting to know the specific time and also that she'd remembered what day the appointment was. I asked my husband what the heck that was about, and the only conclusion we could come up with was she was going to try to invite herself to the appointment, since she "didn't get to come" to the surgery.

LifeIsWorthLiving · August 08, 2019, 04:50:48 PM

Cat of the Canals, that sounds so familiar. If you were in my family your MIL would then be calling me up and carefully trying to get the time out of me. Then if I let the information slip, she would just show up to your appointment. It is all a freaky power play and one that can get to the point of stalking.

athene1399 · August 09, 2019, 10:01:20 AM

I slowly began to realize I don't have to explain myself to anyone. i always had to defend everything I said or did to my FOO or emotionally abusive exes. I still have an explanation ready, but no one asks (except my FOO). That's when I started realizing this wasn't normal behavior (to expect an explanation). I'm glad you pointed this out LifeIsWorthLiving.

Recreatingmylife · August 10, 2019, 09:00:21 AM

I have been very much like the original poster. Lately, my mother keeps mentioning that I meet her for lunch... we live 3 hours apart. My gut feeling is that she is not done "setting me straight" over talking to scapegoated step-sibling! If I go... I will take one of my children as a buffer. It is funny how current golden child step-sibling always brought a buffer person to visit her and husband! They always complained about it. I see things so much more clearly now.