My parents are bad for each other

[Spirit in the sky]

I notice everything my dad is in hospital the difference in my parents when they are apart.

My dad is intolerable when he's around my mum. She's a very dominating women even though she plays the waif. My dad is grumpy and aggressive at home, but when he's in hospital he's relaxed and easy going. I can actually have a conversation with him, like normal people. He still has his character flaws but not as extreme.

My other is easier to get along with when she's home alone. She isn't as stressed or wound up, and she's not constantly complaining at my dad. They really are a toxic combination, neither one capable of seeing the damage they are doing to themselves or each other.

They argued and fought my entire childhood, verbally abusing each other daily. Then my mother going into week long sulks and message being passed backwards and forwards through me. They are even worse after 48 years of marriage, it's like both of them want to be 'top dog' and neither one will back down. Constant bickering, snide remarks and point scoring, and neither one will to take responsibility.

I'm enjoying the peace while it last because once my dad gets out of hospital it all starts again.

[WomanInterrupted]

I noticed the same dynamic with unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.  Their entire marriage was a 60+ year battle for dominance, where they yelled at each other, regularly, over *nothing.*  The more mundane the problem, the worse the shouting was.   

They were *toxic* together, but that was the way of their Dysfunctional Dance.   They were the only two people on earth who knew the steps, just like your parents are the only two who know the intricacies of their own Dysfunctional Dance.

Together they were grouchy, surly, combative, apt to scream, wave arms or stamp feet, and would often get disgusted, walk away - only to come back for more, because the battle was NEVER over!   

When Ray was in the hospital, he was almost genial and welcoming, and tried not to be a PITA as a patient.

Didi would act like a pretty, pretty princess, who deserved to be waited on by the servants (nurses and aides), and would only get argumentative when a doctor would suggest a test that might shed the light on her makeitupitis, which she did NOT want solved, because everybody would know how full of it she'd been!   

But hospitalizations end, they'd go home to the house and it would be right back to the Battle Royale - Didi's on the phone and Ray is following her around, trying to read a newspaper article at her, getting angrier and angrier that she's not paying attention to him, and when she'd get off the phone, she'd go after him like the wrath of God.   

It's *insane* - but it works for them, and if you ever suggest either of them leave, you'll be met will all kinds of reasons why they can't  separate or divorce.

The truth is, they HATE each other, but love each other, can't stand each other, can't stand to be in the same room with each other 90% of the time, don't even like each other - but this is what they know.  It's familiar.  It's comfortable.  It's their Dysfunctional Dance and they are *used to it.*  They know the steps - he screams, she cries.  She rages, he ignores her.  He yells and waves his fists like a windmill, she laughs at him.  One of them expresses a concern about what could be a serious health issue, and the other will laugh, ignore, downplay or treat it like their partner is *lying.*

I remember growing up and thinking, "This is NOT what a marriage is supposed to be."   

I was right - it's NOT supposed to be like that, with each partner constantly trying to out-gun the other, with the ultimate goal of crowing, "I was RIGHT!"   

The only thing you can really do is walk away and let them do their thing.  It's what they WANT, even if they complain bitterly that they don't, deserve better, thought life would be different, or whatever BS excuse they want to give, to try to get *sympathy* for their plight. 

My unsaid boundary for that crap was, "You picked him/her.  That's YOUR problem"  - and I'd Medium Chill my way out of the quagmire by glossing over it, putting it back on their side of the table, and moving on to much more scintillating topics, like gardening or the weather. 

I get the feeling you sense there may be *hope* for your  dad, if he's away from your mother - IME, there is NO hope.  He's too enmeshed, too comfortable with the Dysfunctional Dance, and even if he claims he loves the peace and quiet, he can't *wait* to get back to it.

That's the sad reality I know - they'd be better off apart, but won't do it, and won't even think about it.

The only thing you can do is *save yourself and stay OUT of it, as much as you can.* 

[Spirit in the sky]

I recognise everything you say woman interrupted.

I think I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself, when I spend time alone with my dad in hospital I see the relationship we could have had with him. My mother was obsessed with me as a child, I think she blocked my father out. Repeatedly she told me I didn't need a father figure because I had her.

I know there's nothing I can do about the relationship between them and there's no point thinking about what ifs, because I know my dad was afraid to anger my mother so he just didn't make the effort. She has tried to get me to take her side against him over the years and I did for an easy life.

Now it's time to just step back and focus on my own life.

[Malini]

Welcome to the club spiritinthesky,

I could have written your post, with one difference, my dad was an alcoholic and my mom continues to blame and shame him for this, on top of everything else he can't do, even though he's been "dry" for 40 years.

When he almost died, I thought they would see the remaining years as a second chance. Nope, they went right back to their toxic dysfunction.

For years I was on the receiving end of tears, threats to leave, TMI about sexuality and playing the go between too. With my sibling, we'd have strategies, advice, support in place, hoping they'd find love and caring within each other - to no avail. I remember calmly doing crosswords with my Dad in his hospital room until my Mom turned up and within minutes they were at each other's  throats. So I left them to it.

They thrive on this, it is their reason for being, otherwise they'd do something about it. Many people think my dad is a calm, kind, wise person and I've shared moments like that with him. He's also thrown me out of the home twice, and I've been on the end of a lot of nasty behaviour. Sometimes I thought it was my NM's  influence but since coming Out of the FOG, I had to accept that he is an adult and he makes his own choices and he has not stepped up to the plate or tried to broker some sort of relationship,  instead he's been in my NMs shadow, condoning her behaviour by his inaction and has co-signed disinheritance documents and actively tried to sabotage his kids financially.

Like WI, I hope you can put some boundaries in place for when he comes out, so that your peace and serenity can be maintained and you can avoid being drawn into their dysfunction. You're absolutely right in wanting to take a step back and focus on your own life. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

My parents too. My NOCASPD (got all those?) father puts her down at every stinking opportunity. He's a nit picker in the extreme. Did it to us children and now my mother's the only one left. He follows her around the house criticizing and putting down her every move.

She JADES every time, "I was only..!" Explaining her perfectly normal actions three times in a row. It's sickening to watch. And takes outrageously long to do a simple job. This is why she feels cooking is "just too stressful" and she doesn't do it very much. It's not my father who makes it stressful, oh no, she just can't handle it with everything that's also on her plate. Meaning the three jobs she needs "to make ends meet" because of my father's impulsive spending. And now eating out every day.  Which feeds my father's ego because he has this weird thing that eating out is a sign of wealth. Never mind the actual state of the bank account.

But the more that he piles onto her while he watches television, the more important and indispensable she feels. The more "justly" she can play the martyr. She always said to us children she "Needs to be needed!"

My mother's told me explicitly many times as a child that she would choose him over me and my sisters every time, no matter what happened. She's proven it over and over, with every incident of abuse. My father pretended to care every now and again when he sensed his public halo was in dire need of polishing. That's the life mom chose, polishing his halo. "Such a good provider! Sticks with things no matter what they throw at him!" Really, he changes jobs by choice every few years, usually with a pay decrease. Whatever. Like the dwarfs in the last battle of Narnia they've chosen their version reality and no amount of light will make them see otherwise. I can only leave them to it and live my own life.

[SunnyMeadow]

Add my parents to this list. Well my mom and stepdad, they bicker and argue constantly. Everyone notices and it's very uncomfortable. I don't know if they think it's cute or amusing to do this around other people but it's not.

My mom rips him a new one at every opportunity. Puts him down and says he doesn't care, he doesn't love me. She says this sort of thing in front of grown kids and grown grandkids. It's gross. What are we supposed to say about that? Stepdad replies "you know, you're out of your mind"! Then the fangs really come out.

Ugh - good times at the Christmas dinner table.

[Spirit in the sky]

Welcome to the club spiritinthesky,

I could have written your post, with one difference, my dad was an alcoholic and my mom continues to blame and shame him for this, on top of everything else he can't do, even though he's been "dry" for 40 years.

When he almost died, I thought they would see the remaining years as a second chance. Nope, they went right back to their toxic dysfunction.

For years I was on the receiving end of tears, threats to leave, TMI about sexuality and playing the go between too. With my sibling, we'd have strategies, advice, support in place, hoping they'd find love and caring within each other - to no avail. I remember calmly doing crosswords with my Dad in his hospital room until my Mom turned up and within minutes they were at each other's  throats. So I left them to it.

They thrive on this, it is their reason for being, otherwise they'd do something about it. Many people think my dad is a calm, kind, wise person and I've shared moments like that with him. He's also thrown me out of the home twice, and I've been on the end of a lot of nasty behaviour. Sometimes I thought it was my NM's  influence but since coming Out of the FOG, I had to accept that he is an adult and he makes his own choices and he has not stepped up to the plate or tried to broker some sort of relationship,  instead he's been in my NMs shadow, condoning her behaviour by his inaction and has co-signed disinheritance documents and actively tried to sabotage his kids financially.

Like WI, I hope you can put some boundaries in place for when he comes out, so that your peace and serenity can be maintained and you can avoid being drawn into their dysfunction. You're absolutely right in wanting to take a step back and focus on your own life. 

Malini, my dad is also an alcoholic although neither of my parents admit it. He has kidney and bladder problems, is diabetic and continues to drink, maybe not as much as he did because his catheter can't cope.

I can't understand why neither of them will walk away from an argument, I remember as child listening upstairs terrified something bad was going to happen. My mother constantly threatened to leave him but never did. I don't know how many times I have heard 'this is his last chance'. 48 years later nothing has changed.

I'm an only child and was also a very sensitive child, my mother is emotionally unstable and goes from being very dominant and controlling to an emotionally wreck sobbing on my shoulder about how terrible her life is, yet she does nothing to help herself. Thankfully I have given up trying to save her.

I am very blessed to have a 'normal' relationship with my husband. Although he has also suffered with a narcissist mother and emotionally absent father.

[Zebrastriped]

So, there is a club for children of Dysfunctional Dance parents.  I described mine as wrapping themselves up in a ever tightening, destructive spiral.  Now deceased uBPDmom's favorite thing was to drag out an antique injustice and verbally bash my dad with it, til he exploded or cried.  Apart, they had flashes of decency and normal, but together, it was unending waiting for the unknowable countdown to explosion.   I never did understand why they stayed together, but they must have gotten something out of being so miserable.

[Spirit in the sky]

So, there is a club for children of Dysfunctional Dance parents.  I described mine as wrapping themselves up in a ever tightening, destructive spiral.  Now deceased uBPDmom's favorite thing was to drag out an antique injustice and verbally bash my dad with it, til he exploded or cried.  Apart, they had flashes of decency and normal, but together, it was unending waiting for the unknowable countdown to explosion.   I never did understand why they stayed together, but they must have gotten something out of being so miserable.

I don't try and justify my parents behaviour but I do try and understand why they are like they are. I didn't know my mother's mother ( she was an orphan) but from what I have hear she had personality disorder issues, my uncle was the golden child, my mother the scapegoat and everyone just ignored my aunt who was the youngest.

It seems the dysfunctional tendencies just got passed down and no one ever took personal responsibility for their attacks. I knew from a young age I wasn't going to have children but I felt I wasn't emotionally balanced so I broke the cycle.

There was also mental illness in my father's family, his father committed suicide. I know my father starting drinking because he couldn't cope with his younger brothers death. My parents were too very damaged individuals, they became and still are totally co-dependant, arguing, fighting, sulking for weeks, punishing each other then pretending nothing happened until the next time my father came home drunk. No one would admit he had a drink problem, or that my mother was emotionally unstable. And so it still continues, only now I realise it's no my job to fix it.