Struggling

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foobarred

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Struggling
« on: September 27, 2019, 05:36:12 AM »
Haven't posted in a few months.  Been trying to make the things I'm learning *real* in my life, i.e., apply what I know, and it's a real struggle.  I'm enmeshed, ok.  So I need to develop independence, ok.  But it's just so dang hard.

I've started putting aside money every month.  I call it the “f**k you kitty”.  I've found a potential career option, something I could do part time that would accommodate my disability (assuming nothing else breaks) and would get me extra income per month.  I'm investigating it now, figuring out ways to get the necessary credentials.

On paper making changes looks so easy.  In real life it's giving me a nervous breakdown.  I lie here all day and think about all the myriad ways this could go wrong, how it's going to blow up in my face.  What waify uDPDmom will do if she finds out.  And the certainty that she *will* find out, because she always has some kind of sixth sense when I'm pulling away from her.  And I know from past experience she knows *exactly* where to stick the knife - it's uncanny the damage she can do with a few well-placed words or actions.

And then worse, I think about telling her, because I can't stand having all these secrets and having literally no one to tell them to.  Well, other than my therapist, and I only see her once a month.  I can't tell anyone I know, b/c I'm afraid it will get back to mom.  "Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead" - it's practically a life motto now.  But it's making me feel strange and isolated.  The biggest things going on in my life right now, and I can't tell a soul.  Can't share my headspace with anyone. :sadno:

T. says that this existential terror is natural for teenagers leaving the nest for the first time.  But I'm not a teenager (by several decades) and this doesn't feel like simple fear of the unknown.  I'm ashamed and confused that the life change most people make in their 20's is scaring me to tears, and I'm starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. :stars:

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athene1399

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Re: Struggling
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2019, 12:43:47 PM »
Change is scary. We like what we're used to and we gravitate towards that. Even in relationships. Up until almost 30 years-old, I couldn't handle a partner who treated me well  becasue it felt weird  and uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do with it. Being with someone who was nice was scary becasue I didn't know how to act or what to say. I didn't like anything about it. It took a while to ease into the idea of having someone nice and supportive as a partner.

You're doing a lot so far. :) You have a fund, you're lining up career options. I think that's great! It must feel lonely not being able to share that with anyone though. 

Take it one step at a time. Change is hard, even if it's a good change. Maybe come up with a plan of what to do if mom finds out. Does your T have any resources of where you can live if you have to leave right away? Or how you can handle it or what to say if she finds out?

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SaltwareS

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Re: Struggling
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2019, 04:16:42 PM »
Change is scary but also, PDparents have attachment issues. So your instincts are working well and to me, are a sign of your sanity.

Sometimes their attachment issues manifest in being threatened an adult child's healthy growing independence. Sometimes PDparents, unconsciously, see that as their adult children abandoning them and will unconsciously guilt trip the adult child out of growing and healthily developing job skills or money-management skills.

It took me going NC to figure this out. A PD parent may unconsciously encourage *object consistency* and try to re-position you to where you were before. Change is scary to PDparents, even ones who criticize you for not being sufficiently independent.

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foobarred

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Re: Struggling
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2019, 04:53:58 AM »
Maybe come up with a plan of what to do if mom finds out. Does your T have any resources of where you can live if you have to leave right away? Or how you can handle it or what to say if she finds out?

That's a good idea, athene1399.  My disability covers food and rent, so it's not like she can throw me out.  Her most likely responses are a) quit paying my health insurance, and b) make my life a living hell with whining, guilting, and manufactured crises.  The last time I did s.t. she didn't like (sold my long-deceased unNPDad's workbench) she “accidentally” gave out her SSN to a telemarketer, accused all her home health staff of being criminals and planning to rob her, and called me multiple times a day wailing over her problems and how she didn't know what to doooo.  I wasted a month of my life on that one.

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foobarred

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Re: Struggling
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2019, 05:13:27 AM »
A PD parent may unconsciously encourage *object consistency* and try to re-position you to where you were before. Change is scary to PDparents, even ones who criticize you for not being sufficiently independent.

That's an interesting idea.  She resents *any* significant change in my life, like a new cat or a new hobby, and completely wigs out if I do something bigger like buy new furniture.  I figured it was because she resented me spending any time or energy on anything that wasn't her.  But maybe it's the change itself that threatens her.  Her object is acting un-objectlike.