Mediation fail

[Broken heart]

Waiting for the custody evaluation now. He wanted every weekend overnights and no precautions put in place on driving or his n family. He would be going from 4 hours Sunday at my house to immediate every weekend away from here and then overnights. I pulled the plug. He hasn't done any work to show he's bettering himself. No parenting course. No anger management. I felt like I was expected to give him everything. As if I were to do all the heavy lifting he just goes to work and gets them for all of his time off. This whole process is exhausting. None of my issues were even discussed either. He claims parental alienation too. Meanwhile he's physically disciplined my special needs daughter in front of her siblings, screamed at the kids while here scaring them and also their friend stopped by in while he made her run away crying because it was HIS time and he doesnt share. Not to mention the constant forcing his family on them. I could go on and on. But it seems like the system is set up to intimidate women fleeing abuse. What is wrong with this picture. I was being pressured to sign this because "He will get this at trial you are out of hours".

[hhaw]

Lord, you are right about the system set up to intimidate women fleeing abuse. 

The only advice I can give is to write out the list of things you're willing to settle for, and sticking with it for the sake of your children.

If you remain calm, stick to the facts ONLY, refuse to be baited into emotional outbursts, and keep bringing the topic back to what's best for the children, even when EVERYONE is pressing you to settle (bc attorneys all want to settle, and skip trial) you have a pretty good game plan.

Having evidence, everything you can collect, filed, and organized, handy when you need it, even if your attorney doesn't see the value of it IN THAT MOMENT, eventually there's a time and a place for it, and you'll want to find it quickly.

I've had everyone leaning on me to settle, and I DID SETTLE during a settlement conference lead by a retired Judge.  I had to remember the PDs are incapable of settling anything... it's pathological.... and sure enough.... the PDs walked out on the sweetest deal ever for them, bc I asked that safeguards be put in place for the first months.  They just couldn't stomach being told what to do AT ALL, and they blew up the deal themselves.

Remember, it's unlikely your PD will settle for anything reasonable, and sane.  IF YOU APPEAR reasonable, and sane... if you appear to support his ability to parent, and time with the children (while subtly undermining him by providing evidence) you give the Court information they need to rule in your favor.  They want parents to play nice, and support each other's parenting time. 

The court wants you to be reasonable, and to protect your children, even if it slows them down, drags a case they despise, out.

So make that list of things you must have, present them early, and up front, then stick to them, always always referring to the children and their best interests as reasons. 

Never ever get snarky.

Never ever speak to the PD.

Never ever undermine an attorney or Judge, particularly in front of others, bc they're human, and they'll punish you.  Even your own attorney, IME.

State facts that support current law.  Make sure your attorney states things for the record, in case you need to appeal, and make sure the Judge and Court knows you're stating things supported by law for the record.  Judges really hate being reversed in Appeals court.  They try to avoid it.  The Judges who do crazy things, that go against the law,  sometimes change their minds IF we make it apparent we know what they did, and we aren't going to let them get away with it.... remind them of the oaths they took, and their duty to follow the law, etc.  On record. 

I spent a lot of time dreading court, but I must tell you.... I wish I'd done everything in my power to just have that trial, and not let anyone derrail it, which happened more than once.   You're right, everyone will undermine your right to a trial, and to have your day in court.  My advice is to get INTO THAT COURTROOM, evidence in hand, and filed neatly, and have your day. 

PDs often fold under the harsh light of a courtroom.  They often lack real evidence, and usually have no evidence to support the lies..... the manufactured evidence falls apart, IME.  Getting into a courtroom, nad presenting a case made up of evidence and facts can be the start of better things, IME. 

Getting a signed, enforceable Judge's Order is better than spending years paying attorneys, pretending to settle, when you'll end up in court anyway, typically after wasting all your resources on pretend settlement discussions, etc.

Having an attonrey you believe in is important. 

Having an attornehy who understands PDs is helpful.

Having an attorney who understands a PD's pathological inability to settle ANYTHING is very helpful, IME.

Some attorneys don't want to try ANY case, particularly ones as messy as cases involving PDs, IME.  You have to tell a coherent story that makes sense, so skip the PD details that sound insane... typically you're the one who sounds insane when repeating them, IME.

Tell a story that makes sense to everyone... squares up is how attorney's put it. 

Your theory of your case will be important.  Keep it simple.  Keep it about the kids. 

Most importantly, don't allege things you can 't prove.  Look at all your evidence, and form your case around it, is my advice.

You want to be the one telling nothing but the truth, consistently, while the PD is alleging all sorts of things, things that make no sense, and contradict each other.   

The court will want to settle, and split the baby, as they say.  Give that court everything they need to rule in favor of your children, not the parents. 

Instruct that Judge what needs to be done in order to server the children's best interests.  Often, it's helpful to have a professional advocate, but it's tricky with a PD parent undermining, and forbidding that sort of help for the children.

You'll be choosing between bad and worse choices, IME.  Make peace with that, learn to tactical breathing... in for 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, then out 4 seconds.... again and again, to get yourself calmed down, and thinking clearly.

Threats againstour children are some of the most upsetting, IME.  You have to get a grip, and be on your toes to the best of your ability for their sake.

Be terribly professional with the PD, document every communication (with you appearing uber cooperative and calm) and you say and do the things that are reasonable, and pointedly make apparent the PD's lack of care and clear thinking regarding the children as you can.

Document.  File.  Care for the kids.  Be present as you can.   Do what you can, then shut the legal stuff off, and enjoy those kiddos while they're still young.  You can't get these days back, and you dont' want to regret not spending more time with them... being present with them, really looking them in the eyes and SEEING them NOW.

If you have a stinker attorney who undermines you, consider switching sooner than later.  if he's the right attonrey to handle your Judge, you might should keep him.  I think the best resource you have is yourself, your evidence, and ability to speak calmly, stay on track, and not get hijacked with emotional rabbit hole blathering, which is so easy to do, IME.

Keep your answers short.  Yes.  No.  Short explanations, then shut up.  My attonrey said to give the hamburger,  not the bun, or  condiments.  You'll have plenty of time to give explanations, so YES or NO, even if it's not feeling positive... your attonrey will rehabilitate you eventually... give you a chance to explain.  Calmly.  With few words. 

You can get through this.  For your kids. 

Some judges understand that people, even reaonsable ones, can be quite toxic when they're around other people, in certain combinations... like a PD with their stbx, or with children they have no ability to parent, etc.

GIVE this Court the information they need to SEE the truth. 

Treat stupid questions and statements as opportunities to educate your audience.... like when opposing counsel says something super insulting, and wrong about you, or how you parent.  You don't get DEFENSIVE ever ever ever... you educate your audience, like they're slow children, and you keep your face neutral, calm, and helpful, if you can manage it.

Keep bringing thing back to the kids.
Keep it simple and short.
Figure out what your evidence is and build your case around it.
Resist going off topic, which is easy to do when people are threatening your kids, IME.  I used to blather the truth, all of it, and I looked INSANE.  I was jaded and bitter that the system seemed to be helping my ASPD stbx, while forcing me to remain in the marriage..... even my own attorneys were doing that TO ME.  Not a made up story, just the way it is.

Like I said..... you'll likely be the only reasonable person in the room the next time you try a settlement conference.

EVERYONE will know your PD won't be reasonable or settle, so don't be surprised if everyone in the room leans on you to make all the concessions... even your own attorney.

I say have someone sane with you, have your minimum list up front, present it up front, and stick to it, while appearing and sounding reasonable....
you WANT to support the PD in being the best darned dad he CAN be, for Pete's sake.

You WaNT to suppor the children in the best possible routine, and visitation schedule that can be managed for their benefit...
You WANT to work together with the PD to provide the best environment to raise children..... you want to be the one the court can trust IF they rule in your favor is what you want to be.

Judges really don't want anyone to win, IME.  They lean toward punishing everyone in the courtroom, and the only remedy for that is knowing the laws, and providing evidence to support those laws.... on the record,  and with your game face on.

Getting defensive is a reason to rule against you, and punish you. 

Getting snarky is too.

Appearing unstable... talking about PD truths...  isn't a good thing, IME.

You want to be the consistent, stable mama tiger parent in these children's lives.  You want to be armed with evidence, and witnesses, and doctors' statements...... you want to have all your ducks in a row, and ready to go.... even if the PD is making noises about settling before a court date DO NOT CANCEL THAT COURT DATE UNTIL YOU HAVE A SIGNED AND STAMPED AGREEMENT IN YOUR HAND. 

Ever.

You have nothing until the Agreement is written out, by hand typcially in these cases, and signed by both parties, and walked to the file clerks office, signed  by the Judge , stamped and FILED.

You get a copy.... everyone gets a copy.  Once you cancel a courtdate you add months to the process, and you have a lot on your plate.

Getting to the exit sign is better sooner than later.

The PD is unlikely to settle if there's no looming court date, IME.  Sometimes you have to get INTO court, and begin proceedings BEFORE the PD will settle, and often it's his attorney who doesn't want to look like an arse in the courtroom pressuring the PD to settle.

Sometimes you just have to present your case, and hold what you got..... be patient, do your tactical breathing, and find peace with the knowledge you've done everything you can, and refuse to be ruled by fear of what ifs. 

Cross the bridges as you come to them, and stop fearing the future.  It'll come whether you're in panic mode, or thinking clearly, so try to stay in thinking mode...... you'll be a better advocate and warrior mama if you don't waste precious energy in fight or flight mode.

Breathe.

Document.

File and organize.

Parent consistently, reassure the kids all will be well, they don't have to worry about the adult stuff, all the adults will be just fine no matter what happens, and be the safe harbor they can go to.

Good luck,
you aren't crazy, the system is broke. 

May you lead your Judge to the best possible outcome for you and your children.

[athene1399]

SO's case went to trial and BPDxw had no evidence to back up anything she was saying. Points she wanted to make were either proved irrelevant or she couldn't prove it at all. For example, one of BPDxw's points were that she should have more time with SD because SO worked until 6pm. SO's L asked xw how late she worked. 6:30 pm was the answer. The judge deemed that an irrelevant point since xw worked later than SO. xw couldn't say that she was calling into work on SO's nights and then throwing a hissy fit because I was with SD until SO came home (i guess she could have said that, but it wouldn't have looked good). All the other "evidence" she had was before the last custody agreement, so she couldn't use that either.   I think we also lucked out because xw thought she didn't need an L.

But if your ex is bad mouthing you in court, don't bite. Sit there and pretend he isn't talking. xw yelled at SO the whole time they say at their tables prior to the judge officially starting the hearing/trial. He just sat there like she wasn't talking. Made her look bad. Let them make themselves look bad.

Document everything you can. Try to keep your communications with your ex in writing using either email or text. Then you can print it up for evidence easily. It's hard for them to dispute what is in black-and-white.

[Broken heart]

See hes not the mouthy type. There's literally zero communication between us. He talks to other people about court stuff in front of the kids scaring them. He says he WILL be putting the kids in his car and driving them wherever he wants because hes their FATHER and has rights. Special needs daughter overheard that and shouted back "I wont go!!" This is so bad. He's walking around as if he's sure he's winning... I'm so scared for my children.

[hhaw]

There has to be communication between parents when children are involved.

Particularly when special needs or illness are involved, IME.

Judges don't like it when parents aren't on the same page when administering drugs... children die when parents fail to communicate.  It's a serious issue.

Your should have e mail or text communications with the PD AROUND child exchanges, medications, health issues, safety issues, and the kid's routines in general.... keeping them on track, and aware of what's going on so they worry less, etc.

I don't understand how there's zero communication with the PD around parenting, and exchanges.... the kid's health issues, etc. 

[Broken heart]

Let me be more clear. I am giving him medical records and stating what's working and whats not but he doesnt respond unless its to say something snarky or mean especially if he perceives it as a criticism in his parenting style. There are no exchanges because he has his parenting time at my fathers home. He wants more time with the kids unsupervised and away from their grandfathers home (and him) which causes them so much distress and he just wont listen to anyone including his children that they feel unsafe with him especially alone.

[hhaw]

Ok.

Judges hate it when parents aren't communicating over the children.

You're communicating, but the PD isn't.  It won't look good for him to the Court, IME.

The snarky responses won't look good either.

[athene1399]

I agree with hhaw. If you are sending info about the kids to him and he's only responding with a snide comment, print that up and use as evidence as to how difficult he is to work with. He's the one who has to prove that he's ready for more time, you just have to prove how well things are going as they are (or aren't going well when kids are with dad). Keep the focus on the kids. Show how well they are doing with you. Show how dad won't communicate with you about their medical needs.

[Broken heart]

I read here they really rely on the status quo. Ive had the children 99% of the time. He has very limited time with them and by consent he has visitation at my dads. Im being pressured to give more but honestly the kids cant tolerate the limited amount thats in place now.

[Rose1]

Now would be a bad time to change anything. He might want you to just to change the status quo. If you relax your boundaries he can say you don't have a problem with what he wants. And the judge may well agree.

[hhaw]

Status quo is important. 

Open communication over safety,  and medical/medication concerns is imperative.  Kids want to know well ahead what the plan for visitation is. 

The PD refusing to communicate responsibly over these matters won't prove to a Judge he's ready for more time with the kids, IME.

The kids have a routine they're unhappy with already.   It's insane to expect you'll give the PD what he wants, bc he's asking without proving he's capable, or working to improve his mental health, IME.

You might hear every attorney involved, the mediator, people you trust SAY you'll HAVE TO GIVE UP TIME so you best cooperate, and have some say in the matter.... so give in.

I was told that, over and over, and I fought every case, and won, bc I was aware of my children's mental health, what was best for them, and what the PDs were capable of, and not capable of.... being decent human beings around my children.  They just couldn't do it, and wanted complete privacy, behind closed doors sans protections in place, and they weren't doing ANYTHING they needed to do to prove to a court they cared anything my kids, and it was plain as day in the harsh light of a courtroom.

You have to look at your evidence, the evidence the PD will have, your Judge, and the statutes while you consider your next move.

What does your attorney say about your Judge, and the liklihood the status quo will be turned on it's head, particularly with zero protections in place?

I don't remember if your kids have a good T advocating for them.  I hope they do.   Someone who'd be a good witness on the stand, and is capable of testifying. 

Seems to me PDs shoot themselves in the foot when they demand things, without thinking it through or working to appear responsible, and interested in the best outcome for the kids, IME.   

It's common sense that a person with a history of violence, and substance abuse would go through the motions of attending classes, and T for both.  Common sense to gain the children's cooperation in asking for more time, and BE responsible, and intested in what's best for them.

PDs honestly, IME, believe what's best for them (the PD) is best for the kids.  They don't have to have evidence to believe it.  They just want it, and that's enough for them.

Courts sometimes care very very much, esp if we're well represented, armed with a ton of evidence, and able to hand it to our attorneys when it's needed at trial.  I brought everything... all the evidence I had, to court, and ketp a bunch in my attonrey's trunk, just in case. 

We had a reasonable response we could back up with documentation and evidence every damn time.

The PDs had excuses why they failed the children, why they didn't feel they had to be good grandparents, why they didn't need to give medications or communicate with me about medications, which sent the Judge over the edge, and was cited in the Final Judges Order, front and center.  That's how children die... and that Judge stated the PDs were detrimental to my children. 

Despite a change in Grandparent visitation statutes, strengthening them, the PDs were denied all access to  my children, bc they didn't MEET ONE CRITERIA in that new statute.

I told my attorney, and the Judge overseeing our mediation that, but they just kept yapping about my HAVING to give visitation, so I might as well participate in that Agreement.

I knew we were wasting time on that medication, but I did what you did...  I had to appear to be trying to settle the case, and be reasonable.  The problem with PDs is... they're IME pathologically unable to settle anything, and they're certainly not going to be reasonable about it if they Do.

You keep advocating for your children.

You explain to your attorney, opposng counsel, the Ts, GALs, the Judge, and mediators WHY your children require the Agreement you're advocating for, and provide the evidence they need to understand that's the truth.

Part of appearing reasonable is speaking about your exPD with compassion at every moment, all the time, and never veering from it. 

You let the court know you want the exPD to be the best darned Dad he CAN be, and you're there to support him in that mission.  The fact the current visitation schedule is working, as is, won't be lost on the Court, esp when everyone puts their cards and evidence on the table, IME.

Your attorney should be super compassionate and polite in the courtroom at all times, IME.  I've seen attorneys be snarky, and bullying in the courtroom, and polite seemed to work out best, IME.

Remember to answer questions short and sweet.  Give only the burger... not the bun, condiments or veggies.  Short, and simple, even if it feeeeels bad to say YES or NO.  Your attorney will come back around and let you explain your answer.  Don't fret.  Do what you can, then enjoy your children.  Worry robs us of joy, and that's one more thing we should stop allowing the PDs to take, IME.

Good luck,

[Broken heart]

I do not have a lawyer anymore. My legal aid is up as of the commencement of mediation. The children have no more T and even then that T works for a company who's policy is not to get involved despite being a dv transition society. Everywhere i turn everyone says they dont get involved in custody and access issues but say i should get new orders. I cant get new orders unless someone professional backs me and around and around I go in the system.

[hhaw]

You can still keep the basic frame of your case in place.
'
You have documents in your legal file.  Make sure your attorney gives you your file, and all legal documents filed and stamped copies!  Keep them clean and unmarked. 
If you have to highlight for trial prep, do it on a copy, and only use a yellow highlighter.. the bright kind, just in case you find you ONLY have that one copy.  Yellow doesn't copy well, and you can clean up a copy well enough to use in court if you have to. 

Organize your evidence. 

Get a notebook, and file evidence under SAFETY ISSUES      MEDICINES          EXCHANGES/VISITS

Have witnesses write out the facts of what they've seen, and get it notarized... these are witness statements.  Better sooner than after their memories have faded.

Save everything... emails, notes, recordings, texts,  copy, and organize in your files as they come up.  Don't let the paperwork pile up.  KNOW where everything is. 

If you have to represent yourself, which happens, even if it's not a good idea, at least you  can prove the case you put up for the court to hear.

DO NOT ALLEGE ANY CRAZY THING THE PD DOES if you can't prove it. 

Put together a theory of your case that
1)  Makes sense, or "squares up" as attorneys say.  People don't understand the nonsensical PD cray cray, bc it makes no sense.  People will ask YOU what YOU DID TO THE PD to MAKE HIM DO THAT TO YOU!! 

Instead pull back... breath deeply for a bit, and put yourself in an outsider's shoes.   People understand addiction, cheating, cruelty, mental health disorders to a certain extent.... but they don't GET PDs sabotaging their children, spouse and selves, and PDs do that all the time, particularly those with a scorched earth policy.

Does your PD have a scorched earth policy, do you think?  Really think about that? Does it ring true?  Why do you believe that?  What evidence do you have to support that view?  Make sure you're thinking clearly when you're working on your case.  I hope you have support to help with the kids while you're doing this.  You're going to need it.

The courts can be very patient with people who represent themselves.  They know you won't always file the right papers, or say things the way the court wants you to. 

Think think thnk how to show this court your exPD is bringing a case that's not based on fact, and designed to harrass, and starve you and the children out... force compliance when the PD isn't doing anything to gain back the rights he's lost.
\
IF the court can SEE he's harrassing you, they're more likely to write an Order limiting his ability to continue doing it.

DOES he have an attorney, or is he representing himself?  I forget if you told me.  Sorry.

Judges will ask questions in the courtroom, even if you have an attorney.  KNOW where all your documents are filed, and be able to put your hands on them when you need them. 

I should think a File Clerk could tell you what documents you need to file IN RESPONSE to the PD's Pleadings, and Complaints. 

That you have your evidence in order is imperative, and that you lay out a case you can prove is important. 

If you repeat all the crazy the PD does and says YOU might look like the unstable one.  Talk about what you can prove, and base your case on it. 

Keep the children's best interests at the top of your priority list always.

Don't ever ever ever get defensive.... treat stupid questions as an opportunity to educate your audience, and be very helpful, curious, and super calm. 

Keep your answers very short.   There are good reasons for this.  Trust me. 

My attonrey said to give the burger, not the bun, the condiments or the veggies. 
YEs. 
No. 
You can explain your answer, but you should just say YES or NO, and then give a super short explanation. 
No going down rabbit holes, which is so easy to do when you';ve been terrorized, and abused, IME.  We can blather on, from one thing to the next, if we;re not being mindful, and taking breaths... 4 4 4 .... 4 seconds in, hold for 4 seconds, breath out 4 seconds, repeat a few times, till you're feeling centered.  You need those alarm bells to quiet down so you can think!

I hope you can take some time, and invest in your peace and wellbeing.  Any book or Youtube talk by Thick Nhat Hanh is helpful, IMO.  PEACE IS RECOVERY or HAPPINESS... just look up YouTube vids, and listen few times. 

You're the good enough parent for your children.  There aren't going to be any good choices, so clear your mind, and think think think how to keep the protections you have IN PLACE.

I think you're doing a great job, btw. 

I don't know how you did it, but keep up the great work.

I'm rooting for you!

Good luck,

[Broken heart]

He does have a lawyer. He didnt at the beginning and his affidavit counterclaims were written by him and filed in the courthouse that directly admit to using drugs and that he does not want to give up any of his rights. To call his counterclaims bizarre is an understatement. He's signed agreements about his parenting time and consented to what we have now in place for the last year and a half. I submitted medical documentation to the court wherein the psychiatrist that saw our special needs child said he believes the visits need to stop immediately or the behaviours will get worse. So I did stop the visits. Their school immediately wrote a letter supporting that the behaviours were markedly improved. I didnt submit those letter to the court and the judge came back saying she couldn't say it was the visits that was causing the issues. At the time my lawyer sent a student in her place that was shaking like a leaf. I couldnt believe it. His visits were reinstated and as you could well imagine my children immediately began having behaviours return. Peeing themselves, self harm, screaming and crying, fears and nightmares. They told everyone! Their teachers, counsellors etc but no one was willing to "get involved". Calls were made to CP but CP told me I have them and that its his "parenting style" and should stop calling them. Anyway Im at a loss here. No other motions from him were ever filed. Mediation sussed out his angle though so its not all a fail. Ive been documenting like crazy. My dads been in the visits and he can be called as a witness to the crazy making so theres that. Im just so scared its not enough.

[athene1399]

I am sorry Broken Heart. Family court is so frustrating. Things that SO and I thought were important and complete red flags showing how unstable BM was, the courts didn't care about. Some of it is just ridiculous IMO. It is so frustrating.

But you have a witness. That is great. And you are documenting everything. Keep that up. Sometimes something we didn't think was important, i documented anyway and we checked with the L and it was important.

Do you know if you can use the court documents he filed stating he uses drugs yet still wants to see his kids as evidence against him? If he admitted to doing drugs and isn't in some sort of rehab program or counseling for drug use, I would think that looks bad. Or if you can show he's making no attempt to better his behaviors, I would think that is helpful for you. And in court, keep the focus on the kids. It doesn't matter what your ex does or did to you (unfortunately), but if his behavior affects the kids negatively that is an issue. Also, if you are a positive influenza in their lives, that shows you deserve your time with them as it benefits them.

[hhaw]

BH:

Stay on top of documenting your case, and keep it organized.  The harsh light of the courtroom isn't kind to lying liar PDs, or their attorneys. 

It's a place of satisfaction, and truth for those with good record keeping habits, IME.

That's not always the case,  I know, but for me it's been the truth for over 10 years in the courts, and now my children are grown.  They were 3 and 5 when the trouble started, and now they're 17 and 18.... more than capable of fending for themselves and they know a lot about PDs and human nature... at it's best, and it's worst.

Sometimes the PDs do such inexplicably terrible things that people, who don't have to, stand up and help you when you least expect it.  Attorneys, neighbors, friends, and strangers who pay attention. 

Stay level.  Don't be afraid to seek out free legal consultations with high conflict attorneys, and tell your story.  Sometimes you'll get information about your Judge, or the statutes or what your case has going for it, and what the weakness you need to address is.

I remember having a home psych evelauation done..... the T stayed overnight, and made sure there were no "melingering" issues..... made sure I was calm,  and consistent, but let the children have their voice,  and harvest consequences for their choices.  I had fire extuiguishers the kids could operate in the home, a place for the kids to do homework, healthy salad based meals the kids ate with gusto with the T, and we went to the school where teachers and passing parents were grabbed for interviews..... nothing set up ahead.  It was amazing, and that T did me a huge favor, bc she knew my case, and refused refused refused to let me get run over by the PDs, who frightened her quite badly. 

That T went to that County Courthouse, after a shooting incident, and did trauma work with the Court officers, and our Judge remembered her, and thought highly of her.  My attorney felt I was completely defeated bc the Judge cherry picked a court ordered expert T to do pscyh evals on the PDs and my children, but instead that T was bought off by the PDs and their counsel, who was a Judge in that County.  It looked really dismal for me, but I just kept doing my best, plugging away, keeping mhy evidence in order... there was a war room of boxes by that time, and I had to travel across 3 States to FIND things I needed, but left behind bc I didn't know I'd need them.... grrrrr.  So much stress!

Honestly, I think I broke down, lost hope, got mad, dug in, figured out how to best handle whatever was knocking me down, and got on with winning, over and over again.

There seems to be a cycle to these things, and you just have to believe things will be OK. 

And breath.... when you feel overwhelmed, stop it in it's tracks... breath in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, exhale 4 seconds.  It's impossible for your biology to go into fight or flight mode when your breathing is calm, and controlled.  It's all about the breathing, and focusing on your inner world.  Pay attention to what's going on for you.  Ask what you feel in your body... wehre is it?  Name it.  Without judgment.... with curiosity.  The fear belings, and it has a message for you.  Often, what's udnerneath that fear will become apparent, and you'll have an ah ha moment accompanied by clarity, and a deep calm you didn't have before.

I wish I'd been able to learn to calm myself years ago.  I had to fake it, hold it inside, and compartmentalize my bum off.  I'm learning to do better now, and loving Thich Nhat Hanh's Youtube videos, along with Pia Mellody's codependency videos.

Information is power.  Self knowledge is empowering.  You're a great mom, and you'll be stronger if you nurture yourself.  You'll be able to model emotional regulation for your children, and healthy boundaries.

I'm praying for you and your children,