Mom ends up in a room crying for hours at EVERY family event

MaggieMay · August 10, 2019, 07:45:36 PM

For years and years, at every family event (weddings, holidays, etc), my mom ends up in a bedroom crying over something. She just did it again last weekend at my dad's 80th birthday party and 2 years ago, at my brother's wedding, she cried for 2 hours, "I'm losing him, I'm losing him." Has anyone else gone through this? There's something very triggering about the rest of the family getting together and enjoying each other's company. For. Years. I'm 48 now.

MamaDryad · August 10, 2019, 07:50:26 PM

What sort of reaction does she get from the rest of the family when she does this?

SerenityCat · August 10, 2019, 08:08:30 PM

A friend's mother does that. My friend now calmly walks away most every time her mother starts the dramatic crying.

If I was in this situation, I would have to walk away too. I would not get into any conversation with the crying person. I would not try to coax, convince, or console them.

I'd maybe once (not while they are doing dramatic crying) suggest that the person look into getting some therapy.

SunnyMeadow · August 10, 2019, 11:52:12 PM

My mom does something very similar. At family events, her feelings are always hurt by someone. Sometimes she cries in the bathroom or cries when she gets home. That night or the next day she lets me know how desperately hurt she was by so-and-so's comment or look. Usually these are my in-laws who cause her all this distress. I've heard these supposedly awful comments and they aren't awful at all. My mom is just looking for an excuse to have hurt feelings.

Come to think of it it isn't just my in-laws, it could be my husband, children, me or the neighbor. She loves having hurt feelings and if you don't agree the comment was terrible, watch out! That will really hurt her feelings.

WomanInterrupted · August 11, 2019, 12:10:46 AM

Hi MaggieMay - and welcome

If you substitute "crying in a room" with having a full-on tantrum in front of me, with fanning her face, pursing her lips, hugging herself, shaking, "crying", rocking back and forth, gasping and gulping for air, sighing repeatedly, grabbing her wattle over and over, shuddering and shivering, and basically acting like an abused animal in any APSCA commercial you've ever seen - that would be unBPD Didi.

The *only* thing that worked was to IGNORE IT. Pretend it's not happening.

She'd often do it in the *car* - in the passenger seat - when she felt she'd been offended or hurt, or didn't get what she wanted.

I'd just tune her out, turn up the radio a bit and sing along, acting like she wasn't even there, except to occasionally engage her in conversation, which was met with MORE of the same performance - that I'd also ignore.

Once I'd get her to her driveway, the sad little old Waif that could *barely* walk would nearly jump out of my car the moment it was in park, grab her cane and race-walk to the house, without a look back or a single word.

I'd put the car in reverse, and think, "Why the hell have people been letting her get away with that for over 70 years?"

Didi was used to everything *stopping* and becoming the center of attention. Everybody make her happy! Do what she wants! Buy her a gift! Take her shopping! Placate! Appease! Fix! Smooth over!

And I'd been guilty of it, too - until the clouds parted and I *knew* she expected a reward of ice cream after humiliating me, but my zingers are actually funny, and people laughed at my come-back to her put-down.

It was like a voice from the blue said, "If you buy her that ice cream, you're only ENABLING her and reinforcing that her feelings are facts, and when hurt, she MUST BE rewarded in some way."

Didi didn't learn a thing - but your mom might if you all just leave her alone, let her do her thing, and have fun without her, while downplaying how serious the situation is with rolling your eyes when she's mentioned - and changing the subject.

Make it a NON-issue, ignore it, and carry on. It's NOT all about HER!

scapegoatnumerouno · August 11, 2019, 12:26:57 AM

she who cry's first WINS! Simple.

M0009803 · August 11, 2019, 06:42:10 AM

My mother did this too at any family gethering.

She would get into an argument with one of her siblings or my cousins, and she would end up crying. This then upset people, and it would make the gathering weird for everyone. It got to the point we stopped attending family gatherings. Her behavior ended up socially alienating us from our extended family, which subsequently ended up with her ramping up her PD behavior with her kids. Major enmeshment issues, which still persist to this day.

Laurie · August 11, 2019, 07:41:34 AM

My MIL used to have very erratic emotions, and would have crying fits from time to time. She would also make belittling dramatic speeches during family events. I believe this was partly due to the fact that the family didn't set boundaries with her, and partly due to a chemical imbalance. She was later diagnosed with dementia, and her behavior got worse. As the disease progressed, she started hearing voices and became physically violent with staff at her care facility. Eventually she was taken to a geriatric psychiatrist who put her on an antidepressant and antipsychotic meds. Once on the meds, her behavior improved dramatically. The crying and violent behavior almost disappeared, and she was actually kind and thoughtful occasionally.

I'd suggest a trip to the doctor to rule out any physical issues or imbalances. If everything is OK, you might see if she is willing to go to therapy as obviously she seems unhappy. If that fails, then I'd recommend doing your best to ignore it and not reward the behavior. Hope things improve!

BreakAway · August 11, 2019, 11:04:45 AM

Uggg...

that would make me want to never attend an event where she will be.

My uPDM is very guarded emotionally. So she sits in the corner quietly when she's "not happy", and it is up to the rest of us to figure out what's wrong. Also exhausting, but definitely better than the histrionics.

moglow · August 11, 2019, 11:56:09 AM

Years ago a counselor told me to picture my mother's head/face on a toddler's body - that I'm essentially dealing with an emotionally stunted adult. She was spot on. The tantrums when someone voiced a different opinoon or asked mother to stop (insert inappropriate here), the meltdowns when others were the center of attention, the blaming and name calling and sheer rudeness any time anyone dared not be in lock step with her whims of the moment!!

For decades I was the designated appeaser - I was expected to talk her down, hold her hand, listen to her self inflicted woes, fetch haul and carry at her command, shut out whoever she was mad at this time etc. Until one day I stopped. I'd leave the room, engage another family member (who was also trying to avoid the toddler), or even make my excuses and go home. It wasn't easy, but limiting the audience seemed to help - because then she'd go silent. For weeks.

Honestly that's all I know to do, avoid the scene of the crime, as it were. If others want to tolerate it, that's on them. If she wants to sit in the back and cry, that's on her.

p123 · August 16, 2019, 04:54:47 AM

OMG OP - Im betting your brother and his wife were well impressed with your mother doing that on the day of his wedding!!!!!

"Im losing him" - is he not allowed to get married? WOW.

WI - Being British here and I think I can guess but whats a WATTLE? ;-)

doglady · August 16, 2019, 05:26:34 AM

A wattle is that flappy hanging bit of skin on the neck that stretches under the chin. It can wobble when people cry. Sometimes people stroke their wattles.

And - random irrelevant fact - in Australia where I live, the wattle is also our national emblem. (It’s the Acacia tree with yellow fluffy flowers)!! So people sometimes get their wattles confused Downunder.

Anyway, I’d say beware of mothers with quivering wattles (of the neck kind).

p123 · August 16, 2019, 06:37:04 AM

Quote from: doglady on August 16, 2019, 05:26:34 AM
A wattle is that flappy hanging bit of skin on the neck that stretches under the chin. It can wobble when people cry. Sometimes people stroke their wattles.

And - random irrelevant fact - in Australia where I live, the wattle is also our national emblem. (It's the Acacia tree with yellow fluffy flowers)!! So people sometimes get their wattles confused Downunder.

Anyway, I'd say beware of mothers with quivering wattles (of the neck kind).

Ahhhhhhhh

Won't tell you what I thought WI was referring to then! I did think it a bit strange to be grabbing THAT if you were trying to be upset

doglady · August 16, 2019, 05:04:40 PM

Hahahaha, p123, I just choked on my morning coffee.

WomanInterrupted · August 16, 2019, 10:30:07 PM

I'm dyyyyyying - in the best way possible!

No, she wouldn't grab *that* - but the visual - yeah, I can understand your confusion!

On another message board (now defunct), a British member called a bunch of us twats, and couldn't understand why everybody got SO upset.

I posted, "Twat is to us what fanny is to you."

Her apology was very sincere, and we all had a good laugh, because she was jokingly calling us idiots, and not a bunch of See You Next Tuesdays.

Thanks for clearing that up, Doglady.

Phoenix Rising · August 17, 2019, 05:10:02 AM

Quote from: moglow on August 11, 2019, 11:56:09 AM
Years ago a counselor told me to picture my mother's head/face on a toddler's body - that I'm essentially dealing with an emotionally stunted adult. She was spot on. The tantrums when someone voiced a different opinoon or asked mother to stop (insert inappropriate here), the meltdowns when others were the center of attention, the blaming and name calling and sheer rudeness any time anyone dared not be in lock step with her whims of the moment!!

For decades I was the designated appeaser - I was expected to talk her down, hold her hand, listen to her self inflicted woes, fetch haul and carry at her command, shut out whoever she was mad at this time etc. Until one day I stopped. I'd leave the room, engage another family member (who was also trying to avoid the toddler), or even make my excuses and go home. It wasn't easy, but limiting the audience seemed to help - because then she'd go silent. For weeks.

Honestly that's all I know to do, avoid the scene of the crime, as it were. If others want to tolerate it, that's on them. If she wants to sit in the back and cry, that's on her.

My therapist shared a similar visual last week about my NPDgran. It really helped to put things into perspective in a way that will make it easier to deal with her.

Ignoring and walking away, not checking on them when they go crying are the best ways to deal with their behaviour. For a really long time, I tried to support and console her but it was so draining after awhile. Her behaviour also made things super awkward.. my father and I often left gatherings to get away from the drama.

p123 · August 19, 2019, 03:56:51 AM

Quote from: WomanInterrupted on August 16, 2019, 10:30:07 PM
I'm dyyyyyying - in the best way possible!

No, she wouldn't grab *that* - but the visual - yeah, I can understand your confusion!

On another message board (now defunct), a British member called a bunch of us twats, and couldn't understand why everybody got SO upset.

I posted, "Twat is to us what fanny is to you."

Her apology was very sincere, and we all had a good laugh, because she was jokingly calling us idiots, and not a bunch of See You Next Tuesdays.

Thanks for clearing that up, Doglady.

Fanny pack - I just cant say the word and cringe when people say it!

Orangecounty · August 23, 2019, 11:24:09 PM

My mom hasn't done this at every function but she's definitely done it! It usually revolves around her feeling threatened by my dad and stepmom and feeling like we love her less. So she gets quiet and put off and then usually disappears for a while in the bedroom, even though there's nothing actually wrong. There has been SO much drama over her refusing to attend joint parties (especially my birthday) and us refusing to hold multiple parties just to appease her. I feel your pain, it's exhausting and really tiring. Sometimes I feel like we're on a merry go round.