Papers Were Served...and then I messed up

[SandorS@DEyes]

I finally decided to file for divorce.  I felt so much relief when I said it out loud.  And I felt even more relief when I met with my attorney.  I had a little high for a few days as I let my mind wander over the prospect of being free from this woman I'd legally bound myself to.

I had a plan all worked out.  I got all the files out a few weeks before hand.  I moved out some clothes and other things I didn't think she would notice.  I contacted some close friends who I knew I would need for support and help.  I warned mom and dad I'd be coming home for a while.  And the whole time I kept at the front of my brain the memories and instances of her abuse.  All the times she hurt me but managed to blame me for it (why are you so sensistive?  Why are you so needy?)  All of the fights in front of the kids, all of the nights I spent getting drunk because I didn't realize how depressed and awful I really felt inside.  I thought about the days that turned into weeks that turned to months of no physical or emotional affection, no "I love you", nothing.  I thought about my doctor telling me my drinking was going to cause me lots of un-fun health issues and I needed to control it.  I thought about her reaction to me finding an effective way to treat the binge drinking- she wasn't happy for me, wasn't happy I was finally feeling good and didn't feel the urge to drink.  I even made a social media post about my new-found sobriety and, of all the people who wished me well and congratulated me, my "wife" was nowhere to be found. 

I remembered the manipulating when it came to taking the kids on vacation with her parents (never being able to give me a straight answer about when they were leaving or coming home).  Same thing with holidays (btw, my mom changed Thanksgiving dinner to 3pm so looks like we'll have to miss your family's...again).  I walked through our house and took note, again, of the fact that there are absolutely no pictures of me anywhere.  In fact if you walked through my house you wouldn't even know I lived there. 

And so much more.  I held all of this like a beacon in front of me, trying my best to avoid the pain, the doubt, the guilt that kept bubbling up.  I would deal with it, I would take time to feel it, but if I paid too much attentiont to it I may falter (again) and another 5 years would go by and I would think to myself "You idiot, why didn't you just go through with it!"

The papers came late at night.  By the time I had talked to my oldest daughters about the situation I was too drained to leave.  I probably should have.  I had taken 2 extra days off work to move my stuff and take some time to myself.  Unfortunately I had a plumbing issue at the house and was supposed to have a contractor out Friday morning to check it out.  I also had said I'd take my girls to Vacation Bible School Friday morning. 

Thursday night I got really drunk with a couple of my old friends.  I knew that was a bad decision.  I knew the hangover would leave me feeling low, and that I my regret and doubt would be magnified.  The plumber never showed and by the time I had talked to him it was almost time to pick the girls up from VBS, so I did.  And then I just stayed there the rest of the day, nursing my hangover and wondering what the hell I was doing.  I mean, had it really been all that bad?  Was it fair of me to leave her like this, 8 months pregnant and after all I'd put her through with my drinking?  With no warning, no chance to "work it out"? 

We slept in the same bed Friday night and I thought to myself...maybe this isn't so bad?  Maybe you jumped the gun?  Maybe her OCPD isn't as bad as you think, and maybe she'll get some help now?

Instead of moving the rest of my stuff out yesterday we went and did some back to school shopping.  Still the thoughts ran through my mind- what are you doing?  Are you actually going to leave?  What about the money you've already spent, the people you've already told and asked to hold you accountable? 

I had to go into work early this morning (3am) so I had to get to bed pretty quick after we got home from shopping.  All of my clothes are at my parents, my bathroom stuff...everything.  So I asked her what she wanted to do...

And that ended in a huge fight, just like ones we have had before.  She threatened to try for sole legal custody of our 3 daughters because I said I might not be ok with them continuing to attend the private Christian school they go to.  So that was that- its more important to her that they go to a private school than for me to maintain my legal rights as their father.  That was, I think, the reality check I needed. 

I wasn't prepared for the amount of pain and doubt this would bring.  I handled it poorly by drinking (on the upside, its the first time I've gotten drunk since April).  I made it worse by staying around the house trying to play "family".  I felt so strong, so confident in the weeks leading up to this.  I really understand why it takes many attempts to leave and why some people just never do. 

5 years ago we seperated for a year, but at the time I had no real idea that she might have some kind of personality disorder.  I just thought we had gotten married to young and too quickly, that the stress of having 2 kids so fast without much money and me going back to school just doomed us.  When we got back together things were pretty good for a while.  We had our 3rd daughter, I got a new and better job.  We had a house finally.  But eventually it all went back to the way it had been, and I have spent the last 5 years wishing I had stayed the course the first time. 

Honestly I still don't know if I can actually go through with this.  I really think I have to, for my sanity and health and for our kids.  I guess I hoped the papers would be a wake-up call for her, although that doesn't seem to be the case.  Maybe I just need to accept that she really is the person her actions show her to be, and that whoever I married was a front to rope me in.

[Jsinjin]

Bro:

This is so difficult to read.   I can't imagine the turmoil and doubt you must feel and I'll absolutely pray for you and say that I support what you are doing for you family.   

I can say that staying off the alcohol is a very very good thing for you during such a tough time and every therapist would probably say the same thing.   You have way too much to process to deal with chemicals and feeling drunk.    I also recommend getting a core small group of really close buds you haven't shared this with and commit to telling them what you are doing and how it is to save your family.

I can also say that no spouse deserves to be treated by being ignored, with disdain, in a degrading way or with abusive, combative fights.   Fights and arguments are part of life but have to end constructively between spouses regardless of the "winner".   

I also recommend that you write your plan out.   Not arguments to convince you like pros or cons.    Write down your actual plan so that your actions can be guided by you.    Then use the toolkits on the FOG website.    And on another piece of paper write the reasons why you think you should or should not commit to the plan.   In many cases the weight of the bad reasons and leaving outweigh the good reasons of "maybe she can change".   I have found that separating the plan itself from the reasons helps me to.get out of the emotional aspect of each step in the plan being weighed against potentially hurting my uOCPDw's feelings and it helps to being clarity.

I'm not a therapist so none of what I'm saying is counseling although my reference to the toolkits is fairly supported by licensed counselors.  I'm just sharing how I have approached similar thoughts of guilt, hoovering and concern for my family in a tough situation.

Regardless, thoughts and prayers!

[SandorS@DEyes]

Bro:

This is so difficult to read.   I can't imagine the turmoil and doubt you must feel and I'll absolutely pray for you and say that I support what you are doing for you family.   

I can say that staying off the alcohol is a very very good thing for you during such a tough time and every therapist would probably say the same thing.   You have way too much to process to deal with chemicals and feeling drunk.    I also recommend getting a core small group of really close buds you haven't shared this with and commit to telling them what you are doing and how it is to save your family.

I can also say that no spouse deserves to be treated by being ignored, with disdain, in a degrading way or with abusive, combative fights.   Fights and arguments are part of life but have to end constructively between spouses regardless of the "winner".   

I also recommend that you write your plan out.   Not arguments to convince you like pros or cons.    Write down your actual plan so that your actions can be guided by you.    Then use the toolkits on the FOG website.    And on another piece of paper write the reasons why you think you should or should not commit to the plan.   In many cases the weight of the bad reasons and leaving outweigh the good reasons of "maybe she can change".   I have found that separating the plan itself from the reasons helps me to.get out of the emotional aspect of each step in the plan being weighed against potentially hurting my uOCPDw's feelings and it helps to being clarity.

I'm not a therapist so none of what I'm saying is counseling although my reference to the toolkits is fairly supported by licensed counselors.  I'm just sharing how I have approached similar thoughts of guilt, hoovering and concern for my family in a tough situation.

Regardless, thoughts and prayers!

I have been doing really, really well with my drinking up until that day.  My stress levels have been high, I usually work a fair amount of overtime each week, and even with all that I had some really minor cravings that I managed easily.  But the day after serving the papers I was just in so much pain.  I should have stayed with it and experienced it but...well I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out.  It was unpleasant...  I've been back in the gym for a year and that coupled with treating my drinking has really put me in an awesome place.  I could not have made this decision, let alone followed through on it, without those things.

I did get in touch with the handful of good friends I still have.  They've all heard stories about my marriage, and more importantly they've all noticed the change in myself over the years.  They've got my back big time.  I also have a really good (I think) therapist.  I think one of my main issues is since I haven't really had a wife to lean on for emotional support I've just sort of shoved things down with alcohol and good old fashioned denial, so its hard for me to even recognize when I need someone, I've been ignoring those signals for so long.  Big learning process for me, lots of opportunity to grow.

I think I will start journaling.  Write out my day and an action plan.  I really did feel prepared to do this but a combination of things threw me off that day, and on top of it all the papers being served.  And then the drinking...all of it sort of knocked me off course. 

As an aside, when I was just lurking on the forum I noticed some of your posts and really identified with what you're going through.  If you ever need to don't hesitate to PM me. 

[Jsinjin]

Glad to hear you're taking strong and careful steps.   Please feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat through the forum as well.

Jsj