I'm divorcing an uNPDh and trying to protect my son - feel like I'm going crazy

[Unicorn Cat]

Hi - Thank you for existing. This site has already made me feel so much less alone. I'm up at 4am and feeling insane with grief, guilt, and racing thoughts. Fortunately, I sleep well most nights and this is the exception. But after a morning with the STBXh and an afternoon spent trying to hold space for my angry, abused 8-DS, I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

My son says he wants to die and tells me the ways he wants to hurt his father. My STBX is hiding money and stalling the divorce, and I'm trying to play nice so I don't trigger him to try for tons of visitation. I have no evidence of the physical abuse and my L tells me that playing nice and trying to get STBX to agree to what I want is the best avenue. So far, so good. But the toll on my DS is painful to watch as I play nice with a man who has hurt him his entire life.

On the flip side, while I didn't know the extent of the abuse - STBX knew I wouldn't like it because I objected to the yelling and berating/emotional abuse and did much of the physical stuff when I wasn't around - I did stand there and do my darnedest to buy into the uNPDh's perspective that being "tough" on DS was the right thing for him for the last 8 years. I feel like a fool and a horrible mom. It's been 2 months since I asked STBXh to move out and told him we had traumatized our child and I wouldn't participate in his "disciplinary approach" ever again. He has promised to do therapy - and hasn't - and has promised DS he'll never lay hands on him again. I don't buy it of course, and DS is Jekyll and Hyde - angry and filled with fear of his father when he's not around and alternately happy and attentive to his father when he's here so he doesn't trigger the abuse. It's heartbreaking to watch and I am partially responsible for having stayed so long. That part is gut wrenching right now.

I was raised by an uBPD mother who sexually abused me - after reading UTBM a few years ago and tons of therapy, I was able to remove her from my life in what felt like the dawn of a new day - it was glorious. Now, it's STBX's turn to go, and for myself, I feel a great deal of relief and hopefulness.

But the process is so agonizing as a mother of this little boy who is having revenge fantasies about his dad, hates himself, and hates me half the time for not doing something to help him sooner. He doesn't trust me because I didn't protect him until now - will he ever? Will he be okay? I feel like I've doomed him to a life of mistrust and self-hatred. And I know I'm stuck parenting with this very ill person who will never see that what he's doing to his child is wrong. The emotional abuse continues when they're together - how do I ever make this up to my child?

Ugh, if you've read this far, thank you. I just need to let this out with someone who gets it and doesn't look at me like I'm crazy. Any words are appreciated.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group unicorn cat,

you are not going crazy.  everything he is doing right now is by design.  my two hopes for you as i respond are that you have a good lawyer and a good therapist, for both you and your DS.

the next thing that comes to mind is a quote- if you are going through hell, keep going- winston churchill.  it will get worse before it gets better, so whatever you can do to shore yourself up as far as self care is important- you can't be the best momma bear you can be for your DS if you aren't taking care of you.  if you haven't started already, document EVERYTHING.   

the divorcing board and coparenting boards may be good places to ask questions pertaining to custody and visitation- the good folks over there are all going through similar battles.

just know that you took a courageous first step to peace and stability when you asked your STBex to leave. you will take many more steps on this journey, but there are people who get it here and we are listening.

[Unicorn Cat]

Thank you, xredshoesx - this means a lot.

Yes, I do have a good lawyer and both DS and I have been in therapy for the last couple of months. DS isn't really talking much, but I think they're building some trust, so that's good. And I've been trying to write things down as they happen - and I've recorded a talk about visitation that was in my own home (legal where I live). Plus, I've got pics of documents and other things that help show the money trail. I prepared for a couple of weeks before I told STBX that we were done - on the advice of professionals who said we needed go bags, docs, etc. So since then, I've been trying to keep good records. But I forget sometimes - it feels very overwhelming to keep up with it all. Sometimes, I just don't want to think about it, write anything down, talk about it, etc and I do nothing but stare at the TV. I guess that's normal and I'm trying to be kind to myself when I can.

Thanks again for your kind words - knowing you're all here to listen is a big deal for me right now, as I'm sure you understand.

[SerenityCat]

Welcome! 

Good to hear that you are working on being kind to yourself. I believe that time spent relaxing with TV is just fine.

[appaloosa]

I can't even imagine how traumatized you and DS must feel. I don't really have any advice, but kudos to you for taking action! I'm glad you have a good lawyer and therapist. You will get through it, eventually. And I do think your son, although his feelings are conflicted at the moment, will see as he gets older that you did protect him once you realized the extent of what was happening. Sending you both hugs.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome. This is a place where you can share these fears and experiences and read about others who have been through some similar experiences.

What you are doing right now is so important, and hard. The questions you ask in your post, about your son's trust and his emotional experience, are questions a lot of people here have also asked themselves. Your son is practicing trusting himself. Which can be hard on you at times and that is when this forum can help you as you go through this stage in the divorcing process. He is young, he is learning and it sounds like you are tuned into the emotions he is expressing, which is very hard, but you are doing it. You're taking care of him in a way he can't really fully understand.

As for the past, he will also find his own way of processing this as you work to create more safety for him. It is a process for sure. We are here to offer support!

Each day, try to remember to take a moment to think of one (small or big) way that you modeled courage, or respect, or self-care, or nurturing yourself. It can be as simple as that you took the time to get a glass of water for yourself instead of saying "I'll do it in a minute" and then forget. Or it can be that you watched a tv show and rested for a bit. Or you said no to something someone asked you to do when you didn't want to add it to your plate. We are always teaching as parents, and when something big like a divorce is going on, it can be so easy to forget to take note of the hundreds of ways in a day where we did other things, the other things of life... we found their book they wanted us to read to them, or we ran them a bath, or we ran ourselves a bath.

Those little actions can feel insignificant when we are going through a big stressful time, but they are the things we are doing to keep ourselves, connected, and each day has these little moments of returning to feeling sane, during a time when we can feel like we are going crazy. I bought gas station hot dogs for dinner a few times during a period like yours, and at the time I felt so guilty for this most unhealthy meal. Looking back, I had had a brutal day, and the hot dogs gave me time when I got home, just to rest not make food and clean up a kitchen afterwards. At that time, on that day, buying those hot dogs instead of cooking was the best thing I could do for myself, and I now look back at that as one of my hero moments. Divorce doesn't make us feel like a hero when we are in it. But we are doing something for our future safety and along the way, there are many moments where we do our best even if no one else can understand or see it that way that day.

Trees

[Unicorn Cat]

Thank you all so much. I sat here and sobbed as I read your replies. This is totally game changing for me to have you in my head instead of all the other crap up there lately. Sending you all a hug

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi unicorn cat,

Hang in there. You're not alone in dealing with this.

Trees