Is my stepmother a narcissist?

[Michael211]

          Hello, i hope can could get some answers. First of all hi to everybody and i apologize from now if some writing mistakes ar made, English is my second language.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
          So here it goes!! For the past years i thought that my stepmother was just the meanest and worst person i could ever meet. But a few weeks ago i came across an article about narcs and it just flipped a switch in my head. Starting to make so many connections. Too many similarities.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
         She and my father ar married for about 15 years. All was good at start, she is like a real people pleaser, lots of friends, when you walk up into the house she dosent know what to put on the table for you to feel good (She does that now too). The weirdness started in convincing my father to marry her without our family knowing, even thought nobody had anything with it, everybody were ok with her(this was around 12 years ago), why woudnt they be, right?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
          And after that the shitstrom starts. All the manipulation, all evilness you could imagine. She is the most manipulative person i ever meet. After i started to think she might be a narc even unintentionally i analyze her and she does it on a daily basis. My father is the kind of a good person, a bit naive id say. She constantly undermines him at every corner. "You cant do that, you dont know how to do this. What did you do all day? You didnt do anything." After 15 years of marriage he isnt even able to call the tv company to file a complain and he begs her to do it. He questions him every move he makes and she carefully shows her disappointment or complaint.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
          She compares him with others, she took care of he's relationship with the rest of the family. All the rest of the family ar mad on him, he dosent have any friends anymore. She lies and gossips to other family members and complains about him constantly. She even stole money from him and when he asked she just laughed. She threatened him that she will talk with he's boss to fire him several times, she threaten him that she will leave him. On the other hand she also told him that she will leave only when she wants and that she will be the end of him. She slapped him, spitted him. She blackmails him that if he dosent do that, she will do this. She told him that one days she will kick my grandma off the stairs. She sees me a threat beeing home with them in the past weeks. At start she tried to smoother me and humiliate my father. When she had seen it isnt working she tryed to put me against my father and my father against me. Like a school todler gossiping from one to another.
                                                                                                                                                                                                             
          Maybe you will ask why isnt he leaving her? Im asking the same question. But im talking about a 15 year long relationship and my father is 60. This behavior isnt a sum of a year or a month. This behavior of hers started right after she had her hands on and got more severe with the time. He i just exhausted mentally and physically, he has become so dependent on her with anything its unreal.
Im trying to open he's eyes, i talked with him and explain to him, gave him an example of every narc symptoms and let him to give me live examples witch he did. But he is just dealing. He is afraid to be alone, i dont really know and i really dont know what to do.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
           I said to myself i will dedicate myself to keep explaining to him and trying to boost back he's confidence until she is gone. I should mention that her first husband tried to hang himself, her uncle saved him, then the guy got drunk and fell to hit he's head to a rock and died.
I do hope someone can give some advice. He wont go to therapy, at least not while she is around. Im trying my best to describe the level of evilness and manipulation that she is doing but i feel like im just whiping the dust..

        She humiliates him at a level hard to describe. Sometimes when he is haveing a drink he just falls into a state where he looks far gone. He even sais that we will put him in the gound soon. She is so good at manipulating that when she asks for something it ends up my father begging her for that thing.

        She has a son for she seems like she would do anything. She seems very attatched to him but a bit in a extream way devotion. I've seen her cry. Even today when my father asked her why she is putting him down all the time. She shed a few tears.

        Is she a narc? and what the hell i can do? Thanks for taking your time to read this.

[SerenityCat]

Welcome!

Here is a good description of Narcissist Personality Disorder: https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

Here are some great ideas on What to Do https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

Im trying to open he's eyes, i talked with him and explain to him, gave him an example of every narc symptoms and let him to give me live examples witch he did. But he is just dealing. He is afraid to be alone, i dont really know and i really dont know what to do.

Other than telling your father your opinion, you may not be able to do much. You can listen to him if you like, you can suggest options, but he is an adult that gets to make his own choices.   

[Michael211]

         Thank you for your answer. Unfortunately more the talking with him it seems i cant do much. It hurts so bad seeing your parent degrading so much over time that i barely recognize him anymore.

[SerenityCat]

         Thank you for your answer. Unfortunately more the talking with him it seems i cant do much. It hurts so bad seeing your parent degrading so much over time that i barely recognize him anymore.

I understand. It really can hurt to see. My alcoholic father married a woman who mistreated him.

I called the police several times for a welfare check on him. They reported back that he did look to be in bad shape but that unless he was in actual danger they could not do much. They said otherwise he would need to ask for and accept help. My father never did accept help.

I was sad and worried. Talking with him would not help at all. I had to let it go. I had to remind myself that he was an adult and could make his own choices, including bad ones.

If I had to tried any further his wife easily could have turned on me. And my father would not have protected me.

We can't fix personality disordered people. We can fix ourselves. We can use our energy to create a better life for ourselves.