Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity

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NumbLotus

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #20 on: January 10, 2020, 08:17:37 PM »
I am not dealing with any kind of infidelity. But I am affected (too much) by other people's perspectives. Generally it's a positive trait, to take the perceptions of others seriously and take them under consideration. When it comes to mental illness, though, we can't do it. Their perceptions are warped and taking them on is warped.

Reading your posts, that's what is jumping out at me, and I would be struggling heavily with the same thing. It screws with our minds, this weird way of twisting things so that somehow YOU are responsible, even when it's absolutely absurd.

I don't know how they can even do that. If I were cheating on my husband (which I'm not!), and he caught me, I'd feel bad, and I'd feel guilty and caught and it would be me on the defense, not him. Me explaining to him why, how, trying to defend my choices the best I could. I don't even know how I could do what she is doing, turning it around on you. And being caught in a red hot lie, I'd be mortified, not saying like, "so what do you want me to do, lie about it?" That's mind twistingly crazy, my brain hurts just thinking about it. No, what you want her to do is atop cheating and stop lying and stop sneaking around, how obvious is that? And she framed it in some absurd way, and managed to totally ignore the fact that she WAS in fact already lying.

I think you are experiencing a mind blowing amount of cognitive dissonance here. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because you are getting blasted with a severe amount of crazy.

You are not ever going to have her say, yeah, he divorced me because I cheated. It will always be that you didn't trust her, you didn't give her a chance, you didn't want to work it out, you wanted to destroy the family.

It will be hard.

You are 1000000% justified and the only person who can't see that is her. Don't let her voice overcome reality.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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NumbLotus

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #21 on: January 10, 2020, 08:23:36 PM »
I'd like to add that if you in fact confronted her with videotape, she would still manage to turn it around. There is no brass ring here, no point where you will have enough that she will concede.

It's 100% down to whether you want to continue on these terms or not. You don't get the option where she changes into a trustwotthy wife, and you don't get the option where she comcedes that you were justified in leaving. And that really sucks, I'm sorry.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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eyesopen

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2020, 04:05:55 PM »
Thank you so much for your replies, NumbLotus.  It's so easy to get caught up in giving her the benefit of the doubt or trusting her explanations while simultaneously allowing myself to gloss over all the harm she's caused by being so inconsiderate.

When she finally came home, her explanation for her disappearing act was that she got really, really drunk and was unable to drive home.  She crashed on the friend's hotel room couch and due to being so bleary eyed, wasn't able to text me details of her whereabouts.  Then in the morning when I was asking what was going on, she didn't give me adequate responses because she was so hungover.

Yeah, so in this case, maybe she didn't have sex with someone else.  But that doesn't really matter to me because it doesn't excuse any of her other totally selfish, inconsiderate behavior.  I was thinking I'd have to make a stand to enforce my boundary that she treats me with respect, but by the next day she came to the conclusion on her own that she's going to move out and we're going to get divorced.

Regarding the divorce, she says she doesn't want to involve lawyers or fight over anything.  She wants to reach a fair agreement without contesting anything.  On one hand, I kind of believe her because she really is completely naive when it comes to lawyers, paperwork, and official stuff.  She's clueless, really.  My state requires 50-50 split of communal assets and she doesn't care that I'm keeping the house, so that shouldn't be an issue.  It's the parenting plan and payment of child related expenses that will probably be the sticking point.  I'm definitely not settling for anything less than being named custodian and having >= 50% of time with my daughter.

So long, Committed To Working On It forum.  And hello to Separated & Divorcing and Co-parenting forums!
« Last Edit: January 13, 2020, 04:07:38 PM by eyesopen »

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StayWithMe

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2020, 05:53:02 PM »
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She wants to reach a fair agreement without contesting anything. 

Oh, really now.

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NumbLotus

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2020, 06:01:37 PM »
Whether she was too drunk to even text or sleeping with another man (or, who knows, both), put together all evidence (texts, diary entries of what happened on what day and what she said) to make your case for lrimary custody.

Because parents passed out drunk somewhere (ACCORDING TO HER) when they are supposed to be taking their kid to school should not even be getting 50-50.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

*

eyesopen

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2020, 06:25:38 PM »
Whether she was too drunk to even text or sleeping with another man (or, who knows, both), put together all evidence (texts, diary entries of what happened on what day and what she said) to make your case for lrimary custody.

Because parents passed out drunk somewhere (ACCORDING TO HER) when they are supposed to be taking their kid to school should not even be getting 50-50.
Yep, I saved screenshots of the text exchange.  My side: asking where she is, if she's ok, focusing on how DD will get to/from school.  Her side: admitting that she drank waaaay too much (with beer emojis) and no answers or comments at all about our daughter or when she planned to come home.

And I'm starting a diary to document this incident and anything else that happens from here on.  There are also some texts from several months ago where she said she never wanted to be a mother, hates how annoying our daughter is, complains and hints at being unwilling to be flexible when my job requires me to travel for a few days per year, and admits to being too high (on cannabis) to text with me while our daughter was in her care.

Wow......after writing that out, this diary is going to make my case easy for obtaining custody.

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eyesopen

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2020, 06:42:34 PM »
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She wants to reach a fair agreement without contesting anything. 

Oh, really now.
Right, I'll believe it when I see it but I'm not expecting it to be as smooth as she says.  The optimist in me sees that she's naive about her rights and she opposes getting her own lawyer.  Not that I intend to screw her over, but I'm obviously going to draft the documents to favor my own interests.

And I don't know if she'll be aware enough to counter if I explain to her how she benefits from the proposed parenting plan and asset division.  "See, we alternate weeks with DD but I'm giving you every Sunday to yourself so you can have a stress-free start to the workweek.  I know how important that is to you."  Meanwhile, I get 8 days to her 6, giving me >50% parenting time which makes me custodian.  If she doesn't get a lawyer to explain and advocate for her rights, that's her loss and not my problem.

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NumbLotus

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2020, 06:47:37 PM »
While I loathe that those things happened and were said at all, I'm relieved that you have a solid trail of clear evidence. Imagine if it were all verbal.

Don't tip your hand that you are collecting it. You might get more.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Marriage police - unable to trust after infidelity
« Reply #28 on: January 17, 2020, 12:42:08 AM »
eyesopen, please be cautious about crafting an agreement. In my state, even in uncontested divorces, the judges look at the asset division and parenting plan and expect them to be fair and equitable, which, for assets, means as close as possible to an equal (i.e., 50-50) division. If the agreement will favor one party, that party needs to be prepared to argue to the judge why that result is okay.