How to respond to mom?

[Amna]

Inconsistent NPD mom. Almost comes across as dementia to me at times. Temper tantrums. Erratic behavior.

After doing just about everything she possibly could to isolate me from the rest of my family and leave me on the side walk of life....

She sends me an email full of photos with her visit to my GC sibling.

I don't even know how I am supposed to respond?

Just ignore?

Say nice pictures and move on?

I absolutely cannot understand behavior devoid of any guilt, remorse, soft-heartedness, responsibility, accountability. How can a person be one way one moment and another way another moment when both those moments are in one continuous time. Is this like some sort of dementia? alzheimers? multiple personality disorder?

[TriedTooHard]

Oh, the visit to the ignoring GC sibling who is too good for everyone else.  It must make her feel really special that you're now properly isolated but still a captive audience to the wonders of their relationship.  If you must respond, could you respond the same way you would to a toddler showing you a broken toy she found at the playground?  "Oh, that's nice", and delete.....

I used to think this too, but years have passed, my uNPDm is elderly, and she's still going strong with no diagnosis or other behaviors that would indicate any of this stuff.

The elderly uNPDs lose their grip on the lying and control issues - they still try, but aren't as sharp as they used to be with that. 

I wouldn't be surprised if this GC sibling took money from your  mother and/or treated her poorly.  Its happening now in my FOO, and I've been through enough healing that I can now safely feel sorry for my uNPDm.  There are other members here on this forum who have dealt with these types of elderly parents.  These uPDs often turn to the most responsible of their children to care for them in their decline.  Thanks to the support I've read here, I've made it clear to my FOO that GC bro can set up the hospital bed in his living room.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You may have already replied to your mom, but my opinion is to ignore it and delete. If you cannot, then use a gray rock reply such as "nice pictures", say nothing further, and delete. Perhaps your Nmom is attempting to show you how great her relationship is with your sibling so it entices you to engage, or she is somehow playing you off each other which is a classic narc behavior. I do not know how old your mom is, but yes, she could indeed be showing some cognitive decline. No matter what she does though, you can continue on your path of no reaction, no emotional interaction to give her fuel, and just stay non-reactive. Sorry that happened. 

[blacksheep7]

The best way is to ignore it.  It avoids the  frustrations and hurt that would follow with an answer from your mom.   

I just found out that my gc brother who didn't give a d.... about us fell sick while visiting NM from out of town.  He  went to hospital and got operated, a  virus or infection in the stomach is all I know.  My ds told me and said if I wanted to know more I could call xxxx, my nephew.  Ds knows my relationship with my family and said I don't wish anyone harm, thanks for telling me but no thanks.  I'm not going to contact gcb and NM.  I said drama, drama, drama and ds laughed understanding what I meant.

I would have been the first one to be contacted as I live very close and retired.  NM panicked and called sil not an ambulance to the hospital which is 15 minutes away.   For what, not to pay the ambulance...probably.  Gc bro is doing very well financially.

Once you open the door, even a crack, it's enough for what your described as Temper tantrums. Erratic behavior.

Take care and protect yourself.

[Amna]

Thank you so much TriedTooHard. Your response could not be more accurate. I believe my GC sibling has sucked my parents dry of their savings AND has no respect for them - whatever relationship she maintains I am sure it is for the money. I am surprised how you predicted this. Equally surprised is how you predicted that they turn to the responsible children. I have always felt that ALL THE GOOD STUFF has been reserved for my GC sibling and I am there somewhere in the background for the responsible stuff.

Thank you BlueBerryPancakes: I have not responded as yet, I was waiting for input from this forum. I was leaning towards the gray rock response. My mom has spent more than 50% of her life playing us off each other that finally both siblings fell apart. My grandma did the same with her and her sibling. Perhaps my great grandma did the same for there was a lot of friction between those siblings too.

Thanks Blacksheep7....i am leaning towards a one word unemotional response as mentioned above. I find it very risky to show your emotional reaction to abusive people. If I don't respond, I will come across as withdrawing into my shell because I am hurt. I feel safer and stronger to pretend as if I did not even notice or care.

[Summer Sun]

Amna, this is hurtful behaviour, like rubbing salt into a wound.  Look how happy GCs and I are, how much fun we are having (while you are treated like wallpaper or worse). 

I have experienced a gut full of like behaviours.  It took me a long time to realize why she does it.  And research supports my conclusions.  They want us to compete, to vie for their attention.  They try to make us jealous, so we will try harder.  Occasionally, a crumb was thrown my way, to keep me hooked in.  I understand the crumbs are about Intermittent Reinforcement.

I agree with your intended response and rational.  One word responses work well.  Nice.  Or two, How nice. 

I no longer vie for attention.  Summer Sun has withdrawn her light from their lives.  Fill your boots people.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  Wishing you support, strength, kindness and self care.

Summer Sun