I messed up- I reached out to my ex...offered an olive branch. Lesson learned

bohemian butterfly · August 12, 2019, 10:32:25 PM

I'm writing this post to vent, but I'm also writing it for anyone on this forum who might be struggling with guilty thoughts such as: oh I can't go no contact/leave/break up without a: note/conversation/discussion/explanation etc and/or I'm an unkind, mean, cruel, stubborn, impatient, unforgiving person for: breaking it off, leaving, getting divorced, got no contact etc. answer: no, you absolutely are not. You are none of those things. You are a kind and loving soul with really good intentions.

Let my mistake tonight be a guide/lesson.

You might think that closure is necessary, you might think that without it, the ending has no ending, just loose strings flying in the wind. You might think that it is mean, you might not think it is real (without "closure"). Tonight I learned that in these kinds of situations, loose strings flailing in the wind is closure. It is not up to you or me to tie up any loose strings. We walk away and we tie up our own strings. Let others do what they will.

I met up with my ex tonight at a restaurant because I wanted so many things..... I wanted "closure". I wanted to make amends. I wanted to give him a chance to speak and I wanted to explain why I left abruptly. I wanted to be fair. I wanted to be spiritual. I wanted to be loving. Very Bad mistake.

I thought I was doing good though. I used my skills and only used "I" statements. I told him that we were both responsible for the relationship (50/50). I told him how I tried to talk to him on multiple occasions. I let him speak. I tried not to interrupt. I tried to understand. I told him I thought we'd fallen into roles (him a parent, me a child). I thought both our dysfunctional upbringings played a part. I bawled my eyes out, told him that leaving him and the farm and the animals was torture. I told him that I prayed and cried and prayed and cried.

Basically tonight, it was a continuation of: I tried, I tried, I tried.

Here's what didn't happen:

He didn't hear me at all
He didn't apologize
He didn't ask me how I was, or how my animals were etc
He didn't see me at all.
He didn't understand my exhaustion
He didn't understand why I left when he resented me (he admitted he resented me for months)
He didn't understand my examples of: codependency, parentification, 50/50 self responsibility, etc

Here's what he did do:

He used my past against me (ie. because your FOO did this, this is why you: can't be in a partnership, run away from problems, give up, don't work hard, etc....)
He said that he knows other woman would appreciate him
He became fixated on me buying a house. He said that I had deceived him (buying a house without telling him. He equated it to cheating)
He told me to sit and think about what I had done (while he went to use the bathroom)
Said he resented me (that I didn't work hard enough)
Told me that I wasn't there for him.
Said that he hoped I knew what I was in for (responsibilities of owning a home)
Asked me what I'd done so far for the house (very condescending, implying I was going to fail)
After I replied, asked me why I hadn't done these things at our house for "us"
Kept shaking his head in exasperation (shock that I had bought a house)

I told him that our relationship hadn't been healthy. I told him that we can support each other but not lean. We should be like two strong trees standing side by side, sharing roots but independent, each of us responsible for our own stuff, but that we were there for the other if needed (without enabling, without controlling)

He didn't hear any of this. He could only focus on me buying a house. He kept saying I deceived him.

It was awful, but I held on. I knew where this was headed. He now has a reason for the break-up and that is I deceived him

I told him this. I told him I felt like he wanted to break up but wanted me to do it. He accused me of not communicating but when I argued that he didn't voice his resentment (that he evidently felt for weeks) he once again stated that couples stick through the hard times. I told him I had "become him". I told him that I lost myself.

Nothing. He didn't hear any of this

when the waitress stopped by the table he made it a point to say (really loud) " separate checks!"

If I didn't have you guys, I would have fallen down the rabbit hole and taken full responsibility. I would have begged to try again. I would have taken the blame. But I did not. I was open to discussion (50% responsibility) but adamant when he kept trying to blame me.

Point blank. I've gotten healthy and we no longer fit. I can't educate him. I can't change him. And I can't go back into the dark. So I did get closure but only because I had to fight for myself. My closure was self love (finally!). These people will not provide closure, the only ones that can close the door is us.

P.s. life goes on. All the chickens that I had worried about are fine. The feral cats are happy. He found someone to work the farmstand in my place and he got his truck rental settled. So, I worried about all these things, but life moves forward. He figured it out. He didn't collapse. He didn't curl up in a ball. I didn't destroy his life. I'm not responsible. He is responsible for his life and his choices. All will be well. We will be ok, they will be ok. Our fears are not reality.

cant turn back · August 12, 2019, 11:15:50 PM

I think he gave you a great gift. He just showed you that you made the right choice (not that you needed more proof). No regrets, no guilt. Closure!!

Whiteheron · August 13, 2019, 05:46:25 AM

Great job, bohemian!

I wouldn't call it a mistake, I think it was more of an awakening.

bohemian butterfly · August 13, 2019, 08:40:06 AM

Thank you white heron and don't look back. 🙏

I'll admit....That dinner set me back a bit (healing/grief wise).

Although I can't truly know his thoughts, I sensed relief on his end. I saw his body language and eyes (almost light up?) when I told him about the house. It looked like he not only got an answer (as in where I went and how was I able to leave) but had this satisfied look, almost like, "see, it wasn't me! She left. She abandoned me! She's got depression. She runs away. She deceived me" (buying a house)

One of the things he stated at the end led me to believe the aforementioned. He said that me buying a house without telling him was deceit. And like an affair, if we wanted to work through this, would take lots of hard work, LOTS of hard work. Meaning I'd have some hard work ahead of me (proving my love and devotion and trustworthiness). As soon as he said that, I inwardly collapsed, my soul fatigued. My gut just knew... my body spoke and it said, "BB, if you do this to us, I have no other choice other than to shut down" and I understand that message and I listened. Waaaay too much stress now and a life with him would equal a lifetime of stress. This temporary pain I'm experiencing will leave very soon, but staying.... I just can't.

He sounded so wise in regards to relationships throughout our relationship, but I feel like his idea of "partnership" is codependency. When I told him this he balked. He accused me of doing what I wanted (being independent) and not asking for help (which in his eyes is dysfunctional)

Ugh. I have a feeling that it's done, like really done. Like we will never speak again. So nothing changed by having a heart to heart except that when I first left, I felt like I was to blame and after last night's conversation, he greatly passed that blame to me too. Double whammy.

And then saying that he knows other women would appreciate him.... ugh. Stab me in the heart.

Oh and he was upset about the credit card travel miles on my credit card. He said that he earned them. He also made sure to point how much he helped me financially while I lived there. He said without him I'd never have been in a place to save enough to buy a house.

Ok, I'm ok. I will be ok.
Thanks for reading.

Call Me Cordelia · August 13, 2019, 09:07:33 AM

Hmmm... well what was it about him and your relationship that led you to feel your best choice was to leave the way you did? Why did you feel it was necessary to keep him in the dark about your intentions and the house? None of that registered for him in the slightest. Just "That's wrong!" Just like my father says, "That's wrong!" about my cutting him off. None of my reasons or his history of abuse matter at all. It's wrong, the end. He is all right and I am all wrong. Splitting/black and white thinking at its finest.

It's evident that his entire concern was himself. His credit card miles, for crying out loud. His ego, letting you know he could replace you. Being able to find some narrative that would pin the blame entirely on you. Deflecting responsibility. Disgusting, and yet so predictable.

I think it could turn out well for you, even though this meeting was undoubtedly excruciating for you. I hope you are right that you will never speak again. He got his self-validation material, however dubious, and now feels fully justified in discarding you entirely. So be it. Better that than stalking, which was a big fear if I recall correctly.

Take good care and enjoy that new peaceful home! May you never doubt again.

StayWithMe · August 13, 2019, 09:47:34 AM

Our society .... or maybe just certain people in it, have too much faith in other people's ability to forgive, forget and then carry on.

Or otherwise, they like using it a stick to beat you with. ie "Why can't you just call them?" if i say "why can't call me" then I'm being selfish.

Phoenix Rising · August 13, 2019, 10:05:29 AM

I was following your situation and I'm proud of what you've accomplished and the strength you've shown.

I would see this as a confirmation of everything you've learned/known/experienced with this and BIG reasons to never go back or to ever tolerate it with anyone else moving forward.

What you described with the meet up resonated with me. I experienced something similar when I tried the same thing with a NPD/ASPD. While it was a natural initial instinct to see it as a mistake, it was actually the closure I needed to move forward even if it wasn't what I imagined (apology). I was hung up on being discarded but it got better as time went on and NC was maintained. Things about his life - animals, hobbies, home and so on became less relevant and the desire to reach out about these things. It takes time. He still tries to reach out but I keep busy. Best revenge is to be happy.

Do you have access to a therapist? Ending relationships are tough, seemingly even harder with PD/abusive people. They are really helpful with those moments of doubt and nagging flashbacks and thoughts surrounding reaching out. As well as how to deal with ex reaches out.

Scarlet Runner · August 13, 2019, 11:03:25 AM

So much of what you are saying parallels my experience with my STBXb. Like when I do something he doesn't like it is all "If we want to work through this it will take a lot of hard work and looking at yourself" and him sounding like he knew about how relationships work. I believed him, too much, for a long time. I let him write the narrative and I rarely got to contribute to that narrative.

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on August 13, 2019, 09:07:33 AM
Hmmm... well what was it about him and your relationship that led you to feel your best choice was to leave the way you did? Why did you feel it was necessary to keep him in the dark about your intentions and the house? None of that registered for him in the slightest. Just "That's wrong!"

He never thought to ask why I might need to retreat from him and what his actions did to cause it, and he wasn't open to listening to it when I tried to explain.

I am sorry for the added pain this has caused, but congratulations on your newfound clarity. Maybe you can do something positive for yourself to mark the positive change you are making in your life. Perhaps a house warming party, or some sort of small gift to yourself for the house that will symbolize your courage and independence.

11JB68 · August 13, 2019, 12:01:29 PM

The thing about him telling you to think about what you'd done while he excused himself....another example of him trying to treat you like a child to his Role as 'dad'. Ugh. My uOCPDh has used a similar maneuver.

sad_dog_mommy · August 13, 2019, 01:31:58 PM

We cannot post memes here but this is one I keep on my phone.

One day you will tell the story of how you have overcome what you are going through now and it will become part of someone else's survival.

((( hug )))

cant turn back · August 13, 2019, 07:21:41 PM

Yes, Sad Dog Mommy exactly!!

Rose1 · August 13, 2019, 07:51:45 PM

A couple of years after exbpdh left (I had kuds 6 and 10), dodged child support, bad mouthed me to everyone, told some people he was going to make my life as difficult as possible he told me I woukd have to do a LOT of work before he would consider taking me back. Meh. I hadn't asked. It took me all I had not to laugh out loud

Boat Babe · August 14, 2019, 05:21:08 AM

You did nothing wrong, you didn't mess up. You were kind and generous. The triumph of hope over experience!
I did something similar after leaving a very dysfunctional uPDbf. I ran into him in town two months after leaving and going NC. We ended up in bed and spent 48 hours together. He ran through the whole idealisation, devaluing, word salad, projection cycle within that time. Luckily I recognized all of it and didn't get drawn in emotionally. Thanks Toolbox!
The whole thing left me drained after though and was the final nail in the coffin of the relationship. Haven't seen or spoke to him since. In a funny way, I'm glad it happened.
Keep going BB. you rock!

daughterofbpd · August 14, 2019, 11:08:22 PM

I think people have this tendency to fixate on something (like you buying a house) so they don't have to face their own contributions to the break up. Sure, buying a house without telling him isn't something you'd do in a healthy partnership but I think you had good reasons... it sounded like you were worried you'd be thrown out on the street if you'd had the break up conversation before you had a place lined up. He's going to think whatever he wants to think about you and the breakup and you can't do anything to change that. You know the truth, he will tell himself whatever he needs to in order to cope. Although it's hard now, this meet up showed you that he's unable/unwilling to see the dysfunction so it'd be impossible to work things out.

QuoteOh and he was upset about the credit card travel miles on my credit card. He said that he earned them. He also made sure to point how much he helped me financially while I lived there. He said without him I'd never have been in a place to save enough to buy a house.

He should have gotten his own credit card then! Please don't feel guilty about him helping you out financially. You earned that money with all the work you did and errands you ran. Men tend to forget that they would have had to hire someone or take time off work to complete these tasks for themselves - so you saved him money in that regard.

I'm sorry the meeting didn't turn out how you wanted. I think you did amazing and should be proud of yourself.

losingmyself · August 15, 2019, 04:18:30 PM

I hope you see what a strong woman you are, and that we're all behind you.
This is what I was thinking... so, he used YOUR credit card, and truly believes that HE deserves the rewards that come with having a credit card... ok... That's the best he could come up with.
When my H's ex left him, I noticed almost a relief in him when he found out that she was seeing someone. I don't believe that she was really cheating on him, but that's what he went with, and it was the REASON SHE LEFT. Not his behavior at all. Anything to make it not his fault.
It is his reality, not yours. You know your reality. Don't feel guilty.
I hope you have more peace today, and every day after.

1footouttadefog · August 18, 2019, 10:09:24 PM

So he has new farm stand help. Wow you have been replaced.

And since that is all he wanted of you you can March off into your best possible future in peace.

bohemian butterfly · August 19, 2019, 04:35:11 PM

Quote from: 1footouttadefog on August 18, 2019, 10:09:24 PM
So he has new farm stand help. Wow you have been replaced.

And since that is all he wanted of you you can March off into your best possible future in peace.

Yes and I think that is what hurt me the most. Validation that I had become an employee. He tried to hide this fact with the "I love you's" and flattery, but his actions (the past 2 years) just didn't match up.

The one good thing is that "life goes on" (on the farm) I can let any feelings of guilt, go. I know that my decision was the right thing to do.

But I still think about it once or twice a day (and get mad).

Right now I'm distrustful of men. Perhaps this is healthy at the moment, but I don't want to be bitter.

bohemian butterfly · August 19, 2019, 04:41:12 PM

Quote from: losingmyself on August 15, 2019, 04:18:30 PM
I hope you see what a strong woman you are, and that we're all behind you.
This is what I was thinking... so, he used YOUR credit card, and truly believes that HE deserves the rewards that come with having a credit card... ok... That's the best he could come up with.
When my H's ex left him, I noticed almost a relief in him when he found out that she was seeing someone. I don't believe that she was really cheating on him, but that's what he went with, and it was the REASON SHE LEFT. Not his behavior at all. Anything to make it not his fault.
It is his reality, not yours. You know your reality. Don't feel guilty.
I hope you have more peace today, and every day after.

Yeah, it felt like he wanted me to break up with him; this way, he wasn't the bad guy and he has a story to tell others. It lets him off the hook.

And thank you. I do feel so much better.

1footouttadefog · August 20, 2019, 03:29:26 PM

If theybarw narcissistic enough they'll stay and force the non to leave. They will want it to be something they can blame the non for so they don't have to process that they habe flaws that drove the non away.

Liftedfog · August 29, 2019, 10:02:17 PM

I was thinking about you the other day. I was so happy when I read you had left and thanks for checking in. Let him focus all he wants on considering you bought a home like cheating. First of all, you didn't buy a home without his knowledge and hid it from him during the relationship. That is deceitful. What you did was secure housing because you were leaving him. That is an intelligent move. You were escaping an abusive relationship and you needed a place that was yours to go to. That is smart. That is survival. So maybe he is just jealous that you are the brains he didn't treat you like you had. He stifled your intelligence if he treated you like a child. You go girlfriend! Be so proud of yourself!! You are going to be okay. Don't look back. Once you leave a burning building you stay out and keep out.