Recovery

Started by FtheFOG, August 13, 2019, 04:17:30 PM

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FtheFOG

Hi friends,

I divorced my uNPD ex-wife earlier this year, and I find myself struggling to find my way forward. I haven't found many readings that address what to do after you've escaped the "threat". How do I recover my former self (or some new self?) after multiple decades of abuse? I find myself going through "waves" of grief over each of the losses due to the PD (e.g., emotional detachment at home, lost years of being married but alone, the family unit, etc.), which seem to be coming to an end thankfully. I also notice that my self-confidence is nearly non-existent. But the main struggle is feeling exhausted and COMPLETELY unmotivated. Is this normal? I'm forcing myself to exercise, have daily prayer/devotional time, and push through the daily work routine, but I can't seem to get to the "enjoy" part of life again. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

Whiteheron

Yes, it is absolutely normal. I feel like I'm a walking disaster because I'm constantly exhausted. I'm a mess, the house is a mess, my job is a mess, the kids are a mess.

What helps me is to force myself to go to the gym, allow myself the occasional netflix binge, go out with friends once in a while, and to watch youtube videos (Richard Grannon, Kris Godinez) that talk about PD's and recovery. I also collect books that are supposed to help - CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker is one of them, CoDependent No more by Melanie Beattie is another, Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that. I say collect, because I can't seem to get through the first chapter of any of them. I need to read them, but the thought of doing so causes me to shut down.

The more time that passes, the more frequently I feel ok, and occasionally good. I think it really just takes time. If you feel like you're getting stuck in a rut, make sure to do something you like - something that relaxes or recharges you. For me, that would be a good soak in a hot tub or sitting in a sauna. I find the heat to be very comforting. Or I'll pick up a book and just read for an hour or two, or I'll go on a long hike. Little things like that help.

Hang in there. It will get better.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

Hazy111

I think as you slowly come Out of the FOG, you have to discover what kind of person you really are and start to ask questions like why were you attracted to your ex wife. This isnt easy for anybody. 

"Humans can only bear so much reality" but  "the past is ALWAYS in our present".

This involves a lot of soul searching and real insight and perception. It takes time and there are some really good books out there to help. I would start with "They f**K you up" by Oliver James . The Peter Walker book is excellent, as recommended but not well edited, so a hard read.

Also some therapy may well help, with the right therapist, who can help you to look at things afresh.

This may involve inevitably looking at your childhood and the relationship you had with your parents especially your mother. Templates and ingrained beliefs and behaviors are set in the first years of your life as your personality is formed.

There are no easy answers but  i think you really need to know yourself or you are at risk of falling for a similar person and to fall back into comfortable bad habits that are ultimately damaging.

Go easy on your self it wasnt your fault. Good luck!



1footouttadefog

Instruggled with the finding myself after decades issue, also.  It was like in my face all at once at one point.

I waisted time imagining starting where I left off when I had married and my personal progress in many aspects of like seeing halted as I became engulfed in a swirling current that had become my married life with a pd.

Taking time to go to a wine Thursday meeting a couple times a month was a start.  I heard other men and women discuss vacations, hobbies, and crap going on in their lives.

I realized I had stagnated and was not sure what I wanted and what I liked.    I started taking time to look at magazines at the large magazine racks at Barnes and noble bookstore.  I looked at all manner of magazines.  I saw thongs that looked interesting.  Places to visit, plants to Kant, types of food to try, or cook from scratch.  I looked at hobby magazines and revisited some old interests and found new ones.  I also found the idea of picking other interests back up did nothing joy so I accepted I did not have an obligation.

Those conclusion was important.  I was able to process the fact that many former goals were influenced by the aspectations of others and I had no obligation to be interested in or to prioritize those old goals or hobbies interests.

I realized life was in many regards a clean slate.  I have the freedom to decide and recreate it anew. 






FtheFOG

Quote from: Whiteheron on August 14, 2019, 06:07:23 AM
Yes, it is absolutely normal. I feel like I'm a walking disaster because I'm constantly exhausted. I'm a mess, the house is a mess, my job is a mess, the kids are a mess.

That's about where I'm at! ;-) I also find exercise is CRUCIAL to my mental well being; I just wish I enjoyed it more. No "runner's high" for me.

I also identify with not being certain of what I want anymore. I'm questioning anything and everything with regard to my motives (i.e., why am I doing this or that?). While I don't believe in making decisions emotionally, I also don't want to "waste" this desire in me to make other changes in my life based on what I want/need instead of what is/was expected of me.

notrightinthehead

Have you wondered: how do I love myself? Or: How do I find out what I want? Or: am I becoming a crazy cat person?

I certainly have. Sometimes I feel similar to how I felt when I was a teenager - disconnected from myself, no longer sure what kind of a person I  am and  what I want to make of myself - in which direction I want to develop myself. Sometimes I get a glimpse of an idea.

Even the tiniest decisions have become difficult - to go to a social event or not, how long to stay, to take a drink or not?  To call somebody or rather not? Is it ok to stay inside for a weekend and just read? Or does that mean I am depressed and avoiding human company?

I presume that after having lived in the fog for so long and having fought so hard to come out we have lost the easy confidence and trust in ourselves. Now we have to re-define and get to know our self again - the new one, the one in clear view.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

athene1399

Be patient. Be self-compassionate. Do self-care. Take small steps towards your goals. Try out different tings to find yourself, or to see what helps you feel better when you are sad. Try to be mindful if you feel overwhelmed. I have to work on that. It helps me to realize when I've fallen back into "survival mode". I've been in survival mode for so long, sometimes it just turns back on and I don't even realize. Like if I'm just reacting instead of thinking, that's a hint I need to be mindful of my thoughts and feelings.

It takes time and a lot of introspection IMO. It's hard work and some days it feels you're going nowhere, but then one day you realize how much better you are for the work you've put in. Take it one day at a time. :) And it's perfectly acceptable to spend a day doing nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a break and do nothing.

1footouttadefog

Not overanalyzing things is a needed break for me at times.  Simplifying obligations and priorities can leave room to heal.  For example I normally habe a tidy clean house bit when I was dealing with my grief in my relationship reality and that I had lost decades of my life to a fraudulent situation, I at times allowed myself to be okaybwith only Tue bathrooms and kitchen getting cleaned all the way. Other areas were just somewhat managed.  It was okay I needed time for me.

I took back aspects of my life a little at at time and still am.  For example listening to music I wanted with out feeling pressure to change for or accommodate others. Deciding I wanted to change icecream brands for my own consumption and buying two containers instead of sharing. 

Taking an hour or two to just drive to the next small town and having a look around and visit a bookstore, gourmet shop, gift shop, or wineshop  and have a sandwich or a beer and wings or ethnic food.  And take a little something home for another night or nights. 

FtheFOG

Thanks to all for your posts and the validation within them that this is "normal."

It is VERY difficult to come to terms with the time and energy that was expended on someone who ultimately didn't shiv a git about us; so much so that I'm not sure it's possible. I have grieved this loss, and now I have begun to consciously shift my focus onto making today and tomorrow the best that they can be for me and my loved ones; this has not been an easy shift!

1footouttadefog

There are many layers of dealing with all of this.

For me a hard one was the years lost, and that they were not valued. 

Another hard part was coming to terms that non of it could have happened without me playing a part.