illness making sibling's PD worse

[RightLinen]

reading these forums i could see how my sibling would come here for sympathy about how my father and i mistreat them. dad and i try to keep a detached distance because sibling has been depressed and erratic for most of their life (50yrs).

we apparently lack empathy. we don't love enough because we set boundaries and cannot cater to frantic texts over what we perceive as minor problems. example: a date doesn't text them back quickly enough; full-blown panic attack ensues; sibling calls incessantly while i'm at the office and screams "I NEED YOU DON'T LEAVE ME" in a frightening tone. "YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND YOU VALUE YOUR JOB OVER MY WELL-BEING."

we are at fault when we try to talk them out of staying in abusive relationships. "they love me more than you and if it's true they are abusive then i seek them because you made me run away from you."

we take the blame because sibling has been unemployed most of their life. "i am jobless because i don't have self-esteem and that's because of you."

turns out sibling has been hiding the fact they have been recommeneded an anti-psychotic by their physician. they believe they wouldn't need one if only my father and i loved them more. "your inconvenience by my behavior will never make up for what you've made me put up with," they say.

now sibling has recently been diagnosed with a disease. potentially fatal in the long run but there are medications to treat it. father and i text daily to ask how they're doing. but the sickness has made them worse. emails and phone calls accusing us of never loving them the way they wanted. blame for being heartless humans.

encouraging sibling to seek therapy has been a 20 year struggle. it always comes back to the same statement: "i wouldn't be in this position if my family knew how to love me"—and here's the complicated part—"but you need to know what to give me without me telling you what i need. if you can't figure it out then the problem lies with you."

so father started thinning out the hellos from daily to every few days. he has begged for forgiveness and made amends in the past, but at this point he doesn't know what he's apologizing for anymore. (at this point we all just say whatever it takes to talk sibling off a ledge.) all he knows is that when everything seems peaceful, sibling explodes again. he doesn't want to shoot himself in the foot and say the wrong thing during such a delicate time.

if it's true that our family caused sibling to be an unwell adult, have we forfeited our right to set boundaries?

[SerenityCat]

Welcome!

Everyone has the right to set boundaries.

A good discussion on boundaries: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

Just in case, a reminder that multiple members of the same relationship aren't allowed to maintain membership here:

Multiple Members from the Same Relationship:

We are here to support our members, who are dealing with and learning to cope with others in their lives who suffer from a personality disorder.  We are not here to mediate ongoing family conflicts or to serve as a platform for "he said /she said" type discussions. Identifying yourself as a family member, spouse, partner or acquaintance of an existing member and offering a contradictory account is not permitted. This is counter-productive to the purpose of this anonymous community and distracts other members from the work they have come to do here on themselves, by undermining the promise of a safe, anonymous forum in which to share their struggles.

Therefore, if it is determined by the administration that two (or more) members are in a relationship and posting contradictory information or accounts, only one of those members will be allowed to maintain membership at Out of the FOG.   Preference will be given to the member who joined the community first.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=30.0

RightLinen, you might not be actually saying that your sibling is here too, but I just wanted to make sure.

Back to boundaries, you have the right to set them. The Toolbox has further good ideas, including on what works and what does not: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

You mentioned that your sibling expects mind reading. I've always found that expectation extra challenging because the truth is that we can't read minds. Nor should we be expected to somehow do so.

[RightLinen]

thank you for the reminder but i don't believe sibling visits this website. what i meant is that when i read these posts i could imagine how they could easily accuse my dad and i of being the villains (and receive sympathy for it.) but they'd conveniently "forget" to disclose that they are an expert at 1. violating boundaries, 2. denying their own toxic behaviors, and 3. taking their textbook paranoia out on the ones who love them.

it just goes to show how wildly different multiple people look at the same situation.

[SerenityCat]

What has worked for you so far in this ongoing situation with your sibling?

[RightLinen]

I can't answer that because it has always been lose-lose.

If they ask for advice and I give it, they get angry because they really only want someone to agree with them (sorry I refuse to agree that someone who abuses them actually loves them deep down inside)

If I say my advice is only one of many possible opinions, they become angered and say it's a cop out and that I am withholding help.

If I say "I love you," they say I'm a liar and dig up every past hurt from twenty years ago.

If I say "I need some space," they say "See? You don't love me. I could kill myself and you wouldn't care."

Every conversation involves a mix of paranoia, arguments that they start and move in a never-ending loop, and instability. They are entitled to say/ask/know everything, and then become secretive about their own life. ("Why do you need to know where I ate lunch? Who are you going to tell?")

I am not an expert but it seems like bipolar or schizophrenia. If that's true then I know deep down that it was probably inherited rather than created, which is why my family becomes impatient with being blamed for all of his troubles.

The signs were there since early childhood. Clinging to people and then withdrawing, proclaiming to feel like they were specially chosen by the universe to be greater than most, and then being miserable that they are a nobody.

Mum split when we were teens. Maybe that's part of it. Dad has been overcompensating ever since and accommodating every need (more than you'd expect from men, who are generally uninvolved parents) but he is running out of gas.

I want to tell sibling that their behavior is taking a toll on us but it's just unnecessarily cruel while they're ill. On the other hand I feel they are using the illness as a test.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi RightLinen and welcome! 

Wow!  Your sister sounds a lot like unBPD Didi, the entity that was allegedly my "mother."   

I suggest you look up Borderline Personality, Narcissistic Personality and Histrionic Personality in the Toolbox - I *think* you'll be looking in the right direction, and be able to have a pretty good   idea of what's  going on.

The next thing I suggest you look up in the Toolbox is Medium Chill. 

You are NOT responsible for sib's problems, illness, moods, lifelong problems, sense of abandonment, dissatisfaction, or sib's own personal Alexa, where sib asks, you provide answers, and not a single one will be right, and only makes sib complain *more.*   

Medium Chill will help with that.  You're essentially taking the conversation down to the level of somebody you just met - you don't provide answers, you push their problems back to their side of the table, you disengage, stick to light, neutral topics - and get off the phone as fast as possible, if sib won't stop escalating or saying you don't care.   

Medium Chill will help you de-escalate situations about to go Critical Mass, and extricate yourself if they do, anyway.   

IME, providing answers *never works.*  They just "can't" for some reason, and "won't" for another, and think YOU should be responsible. 

What I used to do with Didi, when she was having yet another of her, "health emergencies" (makeitupitis - the REAL problems were ignored!) was say, "Oh.  I'm sorry to hear it.  Did you call your doctor?" 

She'd gripe that he's BUSY and doesn't want to BOTHER him.      (That's code for YOU do something!)

Me:  You really need to speak to your doctor.  I can't help you. 

It served me well for all her problems - I made them her own again, and if she didn't address them?  They didn't get addressed and it *wasn't my fault.*   

You don't love sib and never help?

"I'm sorry you feel that way." 

I *wouldn't* tell sib you need space.  You've seen the result and it wasn't pretty! 

Instead, try this, "There's somebody at the door.  I'll call you later." 

And then you just let all sib's calls go to voice, until YOU feel strong enough to call.  You DID say you would - you just didn't say WHEN. 

You asked if you could have boundaries - boundaries are a normal part of life we ALL have - or should have had, since early childhood, when they *should* have been taught to us, but somehow, that part got skipped over, or a PD parent or sibling started eroding them, bit by bit.

Medium Chill *also* has boundaries.  "I will call you later" is a BOUNDARY. 

It doesn't mean, "Keep harassing me until I give up in disgust, answer your call and instantly think being eaten alive by small, woodland creatures would be FAR more preferable than listening to you drone on about more of the same damned thing, while doing nothing to change the situation except blame others."   

A  great source of boundaries is the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.  You can get it on Amazon, in various formats, and I think you'll thank yourself for purchasing it. 

Your sib's illness is *their* illness.  Sib doesn't get to *inflict* it on others.  The loneliness and sense of abandonment are the same - sib's to remedy and not *inflict* upon you, and use as an emotional bludgeon.

And sib's *bad decisions* - all of them (career paths, partners, lifestyle choices, spending habits, eating habits, putting money into a car that should have seen the junkyard 20 years ago, etc...) - those are  SIB's choices to make, and not *yours* to rescue sib from.   

Sib is not a kitten, stuck up a tree.  Sib is a grown-ass *adult* who will never, ever be able to get their shit together or go to T, because *sib doesn't see him/herself as part of the problem.*  Sib sees  *everybody else* as the problem. 

You can't change that - but you can change YOU.   

By  using  *hard* boundaries, Medium Chill and keeping your *distance* (lowering contact), you'll really start to see just how toxic this relationship really is, and be able to take appropriate counter-measures to protect yourself and your FOC from further abuse.

You'll come to see just how dysfunctional your sib  really is - and there's nothing you can do about it but drop the rope.

You didn't cause this.  You can't control it.  And you can't cure it.