Do you feel responsible for your elderly NParents and is there a balance?

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p123

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The answer for, "You don't mind, do you?" or, "You don't mind  not drinking" - a statement of FACT are the same:  "Yes I DO mind..." - and to go about your  business.  If it includes drinking and you don't want to drive, call a cab for him - or better still *don't have him over at all, after the stunt he pulled, peeing in our car!*

"You don't mind going  to the store, do you?"

"Yes, I do, and it's time you had your groceries delivered."   :ninja:

"You don't mind taking me to the doctor, do you?"

"Yes, actually I'm very busy.  Call a taxi or brother.  I can't do it."  :ninja:

"You don't mind driving me all over hell's half acre."

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm very busy and you'll need to find your own ride.  I can't do it."  :ninja:

BOUNDARIES are required - and you can't back down, no matter if he pouts, sulks, pulls a face, mopes or plays at being half dead an in immediate need of medical attention.

He does THAT?  Call an ambulance and don't go to the hospital with him.  Stay home instead - you'll just be in the way.  :yes:

Once you start putting up boundaries and letting the dreaded *outsiders* see what you put up with, there's a pretty good chance somebody is going to get a social worker involved - good.  THEY can deal with him while you stay OUT of it - you're busy with work, and have no time for the unwanted 3rd child.  :roll:

 :hug:

Wish I was brave enough to do all that :-(

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Adrianna

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Youíll get there p123! You donít think you can do this, but you can.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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p123

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Youíll get there p123! You donít think you can do this, but you can.

Yes xmas day is my next big test. Brother has already pulled the "im on holidays over xmas" card leaving it to me.

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Yes xmas day is my next big test. Brother has already pulled the "im on holidays over xmas" card leaving it to me.
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Same with my NPD sister who also announced she is out of town for the holidays. She has done that before. Why do you suppose they do that?  Without me extending an offer, my parents will be sitting alone in their house starring at each other.  Of course, it is readily accepted that sister takes off.  Me, on the other hand am the horrible child who leaves elderly parents alone for the holiday.  Once the scapegoat, always the scapegoat.     

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p123

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Yes xmas day is my next big test. Brother has already pulled the "im on holidays over xmas" card leaving it to me.

Same with my NPD sister who also announced she is out of town for the holidays. She has done that before. Why do you suppose they do that?  Without me extending an offer, my parents will be sitting alone in their house starring at each other.  Of course, it is readily accepted that sister takes off.  Me, on the other hand am the horrible child who leaves elderly parents alone for the holiday.  Once the scapegoat, always the scapegoat.   
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Hes done it a few times now. Told me hes booked holiday over xmas but it never pans out. Whether this one is true or not we'll see.
I think hes thought, if he tells me hes away, I'll go and invite Dad. Then he can say, oh holiday got cancelled and hes in the clear.

I had Dad EVERY xmas for probably 15 years. He had him once last year. Obviously, he can see how much of a PITA it is!

Thats typical of him. To Dads face he acts like the best son in the world, but I know he lies to Dad and does what he wants mostly. (Dont get me started on his plan to claim carers allowance!)

Well, Dads not coming to mine either. And I dont feel guilty. If he sits on his own for xmas day then its his fault. All I ever asked of him was to be considerate to me and my family on xmas day but hes proven he cant do that, or doesnt want to.

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lkdrymom

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Re: Do you feel responsible for your elderly NParents and is there a balance?
« Reply #25 on: November 01, 2019, 08:57:54 AM »
The answer for, "You don't mind, do you?" or, "You don't mind  not drinking" - a statement of FACT are the same:  "Yes I DO mind..." - and to go about your  business.  If it includes drinking and you don't want to drive, call a cab for him - or better still *don't have him over at all, after the stunt he pulled, peeing in our car!*

"You don't mind going  to the store, do you?"

"Yes, I do, and it's time you had your groceries delivered."   :ninja:

"You don't mind taking me to the doctor, do you?"

"Yes, actually I'm very busy.  Call a taxi or brother.  I can't do it."  :ninja:

"You don't mind driving me all over hell's half acre."

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm very busy and you'll need to find your own ride.  I can't do it."  :ninja:

BOUNDARIES are required - and you can't back down, no matter if he pouts, sulks, pulls a face, mopes or plays at being half dead an in immediate need of medical attention.

He does THAT?  Call an ambulance and don't go to the hospital with him.  Stay home instead - you'll just be in the way.  :yes:

Once you start putting up boundaries and letting the dreaded *outsiders* see what you put up with, there's a pretty good chance somebody is going to get a social worker involved - good.  THEY can deal with him while you stay OUT of it - you're busy with work, and have no time for the unwanted 3rd child.  :roll:

 :hug:

In my father's case he thought he was doing me the favor by allowing me to do things for him.  (His mother was the same way so I see where he got this from).

I got to the point where I was just done with sitting through another pointless doctor appointment with him.  I made a compromise.  If he made a late day appointment and took a cab to the appointment I would pick him up from the appointment and bring him home.  This way my time would not be wasted sitting through an appointment but I was still helping him out.  He didn't see it that way and said he would just make the appointment for AFTER I got off of work so I could take him and bring him home.  And he presented it to me like he was doing me the favor.  He just did not get that I did not want to go to any more doctor appointments.  For him it was a day out but for me it was a waste of my precious free time.

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p123

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Re: Do you feel responsible for your elderly NParents and is there a balance?
« Reply #26 on: November 01, 2019, 10:38:39 AM »
The answer for, "You don't mind, do you?" or, "You don't mind  not drinking" - a statement of FACT are the same:  "Yes I DO mind..." - and to go about your  business.  If it includes drinking and you don't want to drive, call a cab for him - or better still *don't have him over at all, after the stunt he pulled, peeing in our car!*

"You don't mind going  to the store, do you?"

"Yes, I do, and it's time you had your groceries delivered."   :ninja:

"You don't mind taking me to the doctor, do you?"

"Yes, actually I'm very busy.  Call a taxi or brother.  I can't do it."  :ninja:

"You don't mind driving me all over hell's half acre."

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm very busy and you'll need to find your own ride.  I can't do it."  :ninja:

BOUNDARIES are required - and you can't back down, no matter if he pouts, sulks, pulls a face, mopes or plays at being half dead an in immediate need of medical attention.

He does THAT?  Call an ambulance and don't go to the hospital with him.  Stay home instead - you'll just be in the way.  :yes:

Once you start putting up boundaries and letting the dreaded *outsiders* see what you put up with, there's a pretty good chance somebody is going to get a social worker involved - good.  THEY can deal with him while you stay OUT of it - you're busy with work, and have no time for the unwanted 3rd child.  :roll:

 :hug:

In my father's case he thought he was doing me the favor by allowing me to do things for him.  (His mother was the same way so I see where he got this from).

I got to the point where I was just done with sitting through another pointless doctor appointment with him.  I made a compromise.  If he made a late day appointment and took a cab to the appointment I would pick him up from the appointment and bring him home.  This way my time would not be wasted sitting through an appointment but I was still helping him out.  He didn't see it that way and said he would just make the appointment for AFTER I got off of work so I could take him and bring him home.  And he presented it to me like he was doing me the favor.  He just did not get that I did not want to go to any more doctor appointments.  For him it was a day out but for me it was a waste of my precious free time.

Yeh dad seems to get the idea that I "really don't mind" doing these things. But then he says this about everyone. He got his cousin (3 years younger then him to push him around in a wheelchair one day. He said he had to stop a few times because he was tired but "he said he didn't mind". More like he didnt want to tell dad.

Dad seems to think "no-one minds helping him".

Things I don;t mind or actually like doing are visiting him, taking him places together. Things I do mind are pointless shopping trips when hes got food anyway, and other stupid rubbish just to get me to go there.


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goofycrumble

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Re: Do you feel responsible for your elderly NParents and is there a balance?
« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2019, 02:30:48 PM »
Hi Blueberry!  :bighug:

Iíve been logged off the forum for a while and I just saw your post. I know how you feel you're not alone at all. Iím glad you are trying to maintain VLC boundaries. I know it is hard. If you were truly evil, I guess from a practical standpoint you wouldnít even be torturing yourself about if you are behaving the right way as you wouldnít care.

The fact that you care even if it because you want to avoid the train wreck is normal. A well-rounded person for instance, if they want to drive a car, learns to drive, gets a licence, buys a decent car in working shape, gets insurance and drives it safely and planes ahead for eventualities so as to not be a danger on the road to themselves and others. Dysfunctional people never think this way about their life or others around them. Of course, no matter what you tried your mum would not agree. She is disordered beyond hope and is at an emotional/psychological of a 10-year-old.

It's true WI is right - not everybody has living family members, or family members on the same continent. Live thousands of miles away in another continent from my crazies.

My issues are a long story so I wonít bore you: My father is now 83 with Alzheimerís and my mother 67 and recently had a diagnosis of Parkinsonís. He decided to leave the USA in the 90ís to move back to his home country in South America. As a child I watched my parents struggle financially but I think my fatherís reasoning for relocating to a poor country was a cheaper standard of living. The excuses for this vary but, in the end, they were unsubstantiated. I was emotionally and academically stunted and our familyís quality of life was terrible and fraught with poverty and instability.

Dad was controlling, aggressive and unpredictable, mother a raging co-dependent enabler. I was continuously unhappy, full of anxiety and hated every minute living with them throughout childhood and adolescence. They both were estranged from either side of their families, so I was also totally isolated. My mother barely worked during my lifetime and accrued no pension and my father changed jobs often. By 18 I was so tired of being poor and unhappy and started saving in secret all I could from my job and put myself though design school. I did not attend school from the age of 11 to 17. By 23 I saved enough to leave and moved away to Europe. Now after 15 years of constant hard work I have peace and quiet, a day job and freelance as an artist for extra income. Now they are old, sick and penniless. If this is not a perfect description of ďself-created chaosĒ I donít know what is.

"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it."
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it."

I feel for you about Christmas too. If you need to block phone numbers for a while to get some peace. Iíve decided to spend holidays with normal family in Florida and see my granny who is turning 90 in December. If one parent has passed or in hospital there is nothing to do now. Iíll just have the funeral home on standby and the chips will fall where they may.

I did not cause this, I cannot cure this, I cannot control this