Father diagnosed with lung cancer

[Spirit in the sky]

I know this isn't going to be an easy post to write but I need to express my feelings and I know this is a safe place.

After 2 weeks in hospital my father was diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday, it has spread and he is still waiting to hear about treatment options. I did suspect his illness what serious this time, and after googling his symptoms I was prepared for bad news. I decided to be with him when the doctor told him because I wanted the facts. Although it wasn't a shock to hear the news it was uncomfortable because I knew he was upset and because we have no emotional connection I didn't know how to respond, so I did my usual stiff upper lip, life goes on thing.

When I left the hospital I did feel the weight of shock or something and I had to go for a long walk to clear my head. The main reason being I knew I had to go home and tell me mother the news. She took it surprisingly well, either she's in denial or she doesn't actual get just how serious it is.

I have told some friends and people I work with because I might need time off and everyone thinks I'm pretending I'm ok. They believe I am really upset but putting on a brave face. I really don't think I am. Yes I would feel compassion for anyone getting bad news, yes I'm not looking forward to the next few months, and yes it's sad when you know someone is going to die.

What no one seems to understand is I have had a very empty relationship with my Father. He has been an alcoholic all my life even though he and my mother refuse to admit it, ( they think an alcoholic is someone who drinks everyday). But he has always been alcohol dependant, emotionally absent and totally iresponsible when it came to his wife and daughter. He was obsessed with his work and his friends and drinking buddies were his family.

My mother has always been emotionally unstable or 'bad with her nerves' as she calls it. She married my father when she was 39, she barely knew him but I think she thought he was her only option to make a life for herself, he was 28. I was born a year later and really she was a housekeeper, it was a marriage of convenience. My mother had breakdown after breakdown and my father kept working and drinking and ignoring her tears and tantrums.

I was 11 when I became my mother's emotional support system, she constantly ridiculed and criticised my father. They fought constantly not physically but emotionally and verbally trying to score points, blaming each other and both refuses to take any responsibility for the ongoing conflict. Not only was my mother's therapist but I felt responsible for her physical health when she had panic attacks, which she was convinced were heart attacks. I was in my early 20's when I was taking her to A&E and the doctor for tests. I sat up nights with her when she was convinced there was something seriously wrong, and my father would be out until 2am coming home drunk and passing out.

I have had a lot of anger and resentment over the years because not only did he ignore me for most of my childhood (he thought giving me money was enough) but he let me shoulder all the responsibility for my mother. He would go away for weekends with his friends for drinking binges even when she was ill. He phoned once when he was there to clear and conscious and obviously didn't give us a second thought.

When he had vascular bypass surgery 3 years ago I was able to come to terms with my childhood issues after years of anger and resentment most of it fuelled by my mother. She decided she 'couldn't cope' with his illness and I have been his support system when he wasn't able to go to hospital and check ups alone. I can offer practical help but I don't actually feel any connection with him at all.

I'm wondering if I am in denial, will I fall apart when he dies and grief for the father I never had. I feel I have done my grieving when I forgive him for not supporting me throughout my life so far. In some ways it has made me fiercely independent and now I understand why I have always been the 'adult' in my family and my parents have been the needy ones craving attention.

If someone was to ask me do I love my father, I would have to say I don't know because I don't know who is. I believe he loves me but he doesn't know anything about me, he was never interested in finding out.

[SerenityCat]

I am glad that you are able to write about your feelings here.

I grew up with an emotionally absent father and an unstable mother. My mother turned me into her therapist and scapegoat. She has passed away but my father is still alive, I had to go NC with him.

I don't think that you are in denial. And if denial is part of your process right now I think that is just fine. We all have to go through these changes in our own way, there is no single correct way to do this.

Many people, maybe out of discomfort, insist that other people's emotions have to follow a specific course.

People may assume that you are pretending to be okay, but maybe you actually are sorta okay. Maybe you have found some peace for yourself.

[Spirit in the sky]

I am glad that you are able to write about your feelings here.

I grew up with an emotionally absent father and an unstable mother. My mother turned me into her therapist and scapegoat. She has passed away but my father is still alive, I had to go NC with him.

I don't think that you are in denial. And if denial is part of your process right now I think that is just fine. We all have to go through these changes in our own way, there is no single correct way to do this.

Many people, maybe out of discomfort, insist that other people's emotions have to follow a specific course.

People may assume that you are pretending to be okay, but maybe you actually are sorta okay. Maybe you have found some peace for yourself.

Thank you Serenity Cat,

I do think people expect you to react in a certain way. I'm processing at the minute, I was talking to my mum about what's happening and I found myself getting anxious because yet again she's not stepping up and being supportive in any way.
I should know by now that she's not capable of understanding I have feelings too and sometimes I think I have been conditioned not to feel anything because it upsets others.

She had no concept of how I would feel, when I had to sit with my father while the doctor told him he had lung cancer. She didn't ask was I ok, was I upset, did I feel nothing. Yet she got furious when one of my dad's friends asked was she visiting him, obviously she's not because it would be too distressing. But it's not upsetting or distressing for me, she assumes.

I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore, I just want to switch off. I'm so tired of trying to reason with my parents. Maybe in my own way I'm trying to protect them from what's to come and I should know that's not possible it even reasonable. My conditioning seems to override everything, I was going to go to the treatment meeting with my father because I wanted to be supportive. Even though I know don't want to know how much time he has left, I know he'll ask. I'm actually thinking to myself he won't know the best option or he might choose the wrong treatment and I need to be there to 'take charge' and all I'm doing is letting him yet again not take responsibility for his own health.

It's like mental torture I can't seem to put my own mental health first. Why do I always feel responsible for them. Am I doing it to get my fathers attention, I am subconsciously craving his approval and hope he will be grateful and acknowledge my existence. The constant need to 'save' them from each other and themselves and now cancer is exhausting.

[SerenityCat]

I sure feel for you. And you definitely are making sense.

I'm so tired of trying to reason with my parents.

I encourage you to stop trying to reason with them.

You can put your own health first. I completely understand why this may seem impossible. I myself was trained to save my parents. I experienced incredible anxiety when ever I tried to deviate from my training. I finally had to limit contact. I'm now NC with my father and it is wonderful.

If I had ended up dealing with my mother and father at the same time as an adult - I likely would have had a breakdown. They individually exhausted me, combined would have been too much. Fortunately my mother cut off contact when I was a young adult, initially that felt horrible but eventually I was grateful. It took me a few decades to come Out of the FOG concerning my father.

Dealing with dysfunctional parents can bring up primal feelings in us, we may feel anxious/bad/guilty/and as if we are gonna die. We've been trained for so long to behave in certain ways. Our parents wired up and installed all those buttons. So we end up coping with primal feelings from our childhood while also going through being flooded with flight or fight responses.

We need time to rest and heal.

You did not cause this, you can not control it or cure it.

Maybe you can, one day at a time, do less for your parents, and a little more for yourself.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you for your post Serenity Cat, sometimes I think I am goin crazy.

I know I need to distance myself, but I am always enticed back by their neediness and in a way I think I need to be needed. My own worth and value have come from serving others and I don't know who I am without being 'useful'. I feel invisible, I don't think my father has ever given me a compliment in my life or asked how I am, he has criticised me and remains disappointed in my choice of husband even though I have been happily married for 18 years.

It's hard to believe I am 47 years old and my parents still have this control over my feelings. My mother only shows me affection when I am being rewarded for pleasing her in some way. She hugs me because she needs to be loved, there's a gaping whole inside her and she feeds of my good nature. I never feel she is giving me anything in return, she tells me she is but it's always about her.

[WomanInterrupted]

I understand, Spirit.   

I had very shallow, superficial relationships with both unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray, and I don't think they even knew me.   

When Ray had any medical procedures or wound up in the hospital, Didi was also very disinterested and took a hands-off approach.  OTHERS could see to his care - not her.  She was FAR too busy and important, and she just couldn't be bothered, except to play the role of Martyr Wife, everywhere she went. 

Yeah - St. Didi - the patron saint of sitting on her butt, complaining.   

When Ray had his first round of CABG in 1983, he didn't need much help at all, because he was in his late 50's, worked outdoors, and was in pretty good shape.

But when he needed a second round of CABG in 2004, and a pacemaker in 2012, she just did nothing but wail about WHO was going to take care of him.  She just *couldn't* for reasons!  REASONS!   

She expected me to do it, but I was having my own health issue in 2004, and I got the Silent Treatment for it. 

But I suspect Ray spoke to the people at his doctor's office about having only Didi, and he couldn't ask her to care for him, so they started sending the visiting nurse.

But by 2012, I was Out of the FOG and left it up to *her* to figure out, which she hated. 

When Didi died, I didn't cry at all, and didn't go to the funeral.  I know most people thought I was taking it *very* hard, but you all know the truth, and so does their former neighbor, the Fabulous Mrs. K:  I was FREE and loving every second of it!   

That left Ray and I had NO relationship with him for most of my life, other than him being Didi's henchman, attack dog, and the one who'd scream, "Girls can't DO that!  Get your head OUT from under the hood of that car and go CLEAN something!"     

Yeah.  Sure.  Righy-oh, there, Ray.   

But even as far as 30 years ago, I knew if Didi died first, the first chance I got, I'd chuck Ray in a nursing home and go NC.  He's not a pleasant person (AT ALL!), and I do NOT want a relationship with him - especially after he sexually abused me on several occasions, when I was an adult.   

I always gave him WIDE berth after that, made sure I was never alone with him, but when I was dehoarding his house (because I have to sleep at night), I was on HIGH alert and knew where he was, at all times.

Once that was done, so was I.  Everybody but Ray knew he needed to be in AL, and I just had to sit back and wait for him to fall, to make that happen - which is exactly what I did.

Your friends may not understand this, but you know who does?

WE  do - and so does the staff of nursing homes, who will tell you, that by staying OUT of the picture, you're actually a GOOD DAUGHTER for making sure your disordered parent is getting the care they *need.*   

If you can't shake your mom out of her torpor, I'd speak to your dad's doctor about getting people in to care for him - if his prognosis is dire, he can go home with Hospice care in place or he can go to their facility, instead.

But if her requires aggressive treatment, his *doctor* will have to put other measures (people, aides - or suggesting he stay in a nursing home or rehab during his treatment) in place, to make sure your dad is properly cared for, while you do *nothing.* 

You make a call to the doctor and you have done ALL you can do, other than learning to sit with the *discomfort* of doing nothing and learning it's *okay* to not be needed. 

However you feel about your dad is *valid.*  You don't have to put on a dog-and-pony show of pretending to care.  Others can mistake your emotionally detached state as "it hasn't sunk in yet..." - well, they can believe what they want.  Only you know the truth, and if you're like me, you grieved the parents you never had *years* ago.

But I strongly urge you NOT to get sucked back into the Dysfunctional Dance they call a marriage.  Speak to the doctor and let the doctor take it from there - there's really nothing else you can do except sit back and allow your parents to make all the lousy decisions they want, while *screening your calls*, of course. 

Call your mom back when *you* feel stronger and say, "Did you talk to the doctor?  Well, you really need to.  I can't help you." 

MALFUNCTION!  Be USELESS!  You are NOT Superwoman, and you can't do the work of a team of people, which it sounds like your dad  will probably need.

Don't try to reason with them - you can't reason with the unreasonable.  Get *comfortable* with the idea of watching the train crash from afar, through binoculars, and you'll be okay.   

[Phoenixsky]

I'm completely new to this forum but I really wanted to reply as I struggled through my father's cancer battle and have a good idea of what you might be feeling.

It really is exhausting.

My relationship was similar, with a narc F and borderline M. They divorced when I was quite young but the games never stopped between them. He was essentially absent most of my childhood and then overtly sexist/inappropriate in my teens. His new partner made it quite clear I was unwanted, though she basically adopted my older sibling. They both went so far as to disown me as a young teen and I became an emancipated minor. I had tried over the years to maintain some type of positive relationship with him as I grew older but was ignored for the most part unless there was a family event that we were both invited too.

Fast forward to five years ago when he was diagnosed with a severe cancer. I was 45 the time dealing with my own struggles (on my own of course as neither parents has ever bothered to help me with anything).

There was much back and forth in the family about his condition and that he could possibly stay with me while getting stem cell treatment, all of this discussion happened behind my back. It was sort of demanded that I help, not asked and I made it clear I could not be his caretaker or provide him a place to stay. I did offer to pitch in as a backup person and visit him if needed on a limited basis. I had my reasons for that choice and I knew nobody would bother to be empathetic about it. At this point nobody really talks about it. I did what I felt was necessary to take care of myself.

Believe me it was NOT easy to stand up for myself like this. I've struggled my entire life with sticking to boundaries and expressing my opinions. There were tremendous feelings of guilt that went along with this decision but I knew that being involved in his life other than at a distance was going to destroy my own health.

However you choose to be involved is up to YOU and you alone. Do not allow anyone to pressure you into it.

I can offer some tips...

1. Understand that any major illness has ups and downs. Your family, in particular your father, will be emotionally challenged and want lots of attention. That may included everything from physical care-taking to using you as an emotional dumping ground and even financial support. It's okay to say you're not able to help. You don't have to provide an explanation either. You might want to rehearse or visualize those potential discussions. Other people might not understand and that's okay!

2. There may be more support for your parents than what the hospital offers to you. I researched social services in my state as I felt that was one thing I could help with. I found everything from temporary Medicaid nursing (fully covered) to special senior citizen services like grocery delivery and also discounted home companion care. It's out there if you look for it.

3. Cancer meds have come a long way but they can still cause a lot of side effects. I had heard that chemo can cause some dementia and also 'rage' fits. We went through both of those things with my dad, including full on meltdowns where he was fighting hospital staff. This stuff takes a toll on everyone. Be prepared.

4. Sometimes hospitals provide family counseling services and/or grief counseling. I already had my own therapist but I also made sure everyone in the family knew they could reach out to a professional. In this day and age we don't have to sweep this under the rug. There are often also therapy groups.


This is such an emotional minefield to have to walk. I get it. It's scary and stressful and brings up a lot of the past. Remember to practice self care! Take your time responding to requests or demands. It's OKAY to hit the pause button when you're unsure what to do. Allow yourself space to acknowledge your feelings whatever those might be. I found writing in a journal really helpful. Some of that I shared with my therapist.

As my dad's health got better and then suddenly worse I just couldn't keep it together. I cried every damn day for months. I didn't apologize for that. I just let it come out.

I had angry days and sad days. I had days I didn't feel anything.
I grieved for his struggle as a human to be human...and I also grieved for the 'dad I never had'. I even felt relief as well.

That's the part I never shared with anyone. I honestly was relieved I no longer had to waste time hoping he'd apologize to me or notice me.


That's just my experience of course. It's different for all of us.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Phoenix Sky,

It's a complete minefield of emotions. I totally understand what you mean by relief and it sounds terrible but I also felt some relief when I heard the news because I knew at least part of the misery would end soon.

I also understand about being upset on a human to human level, I used to cry daily when my elderly neighbour went for daily cancer treatment he had terrible tumours on his face and watching and his wife trying to cope was heartbreaking.

In many ways I feel sorry for my father because he too was a victim of my mother's craziness. At times I see glimpses of a normal person when they aren't together and I see how different things could have been if she wants so controlling and dominant. Thankfully I have never been afraid of my father but we are both terrified of my mother's wrath and rage.

Also the fact she is 10 years older than him and really has always been a mother figure. She scolds him like a child and she's already making a list of rules for when he gets out of hospital. They make so many bad choices as a couple and individually and I'm left to sort out the mess, I think that's why I have stepped in previously to try and prevent it before it happens.

I journal everyday and I write these posts to keep me sane. I foolishly still hope my mother will see the light and do the right thing, which is wishful thinking and a waste of time. I can't really talk to my friends they think I'm hiding my sadness or very cold and heartless for not crying constantly. Only people here understand the mental torture of trying to figure out my feelings and range of emotions I'm going through.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Woman Interrupted,

There is so much swirling around in my head. 
I don't actually dislike my father, I hated his drinking and his enabling my mother's behaviour and his weakness as a person. He has never hit me or intentionally hurt me but he has neglected and ignored me for whatever reason. As a person he isn't a bad one, he's got a lot of issues and he's self obsessed and selfish but the toxic combination of him and my mother is dysfunctional beyond words.

And the weird thing this is I can actually be myself around him, I don't have to pretend or guard my words.   An relate to him as a human being but not as my father, I actually stop calling him 'dad' many years ago and just call him by his first name.

My mother on the other hand, and I have just discovered this recently, I can't relax, I can't be myself. There is a version of me I adopt in her company, it's careful and measured and I'm always waiting for her to 'turn'. It's like walking on eggshells, she looks like this sweet little 86 year old woman who gardens and knits for charity but there is so much psychological damage her anger waits below the surface and she can erupt at any moment.

This, I now understand was how my conditioning started, even as a young child I sensed her vulnerable personality. It was always about keeping her calm and this is what I continue to do now. I give enough of myself to appease her, I check in with her and I can't wait to escape. There's still a very needy little girl who craves unconditional love, more and more I see myself as an empty shell around her, like all the life blood has been sucked from me.

It's a terrible thing to say but I have always felt I will never be free until she dies. She readily admits she had me because she needed someone to love her, she thinks she loves me in return but she doesn't. She just feeds of me and gives nothing back, I have never been able to go to her with a problem or a concern because I learnt early on she only cared about how it affected her. I would be made to feel ashamed or embarrassed f I tried to talk about my relationship problems with my first husband. 

Some days I dare to believe I am healed of my childhood trauma and then something like my dad's illness comes along and all the old wounds are ripped open again. It feels like a constant battle to stay sane and function like a normal human being. I'm constantly second guessing in flight or fight mode, I try and reason with myself but the conditioning is so deep I feel the shutters coming down and I stagger helplessly into the nightmare again.

There is light, I recognise I'm doing it and I write really long posts on here  which helps.  Press the restart button and try and find myself again.