What to do when you actually like your in-laws?

[Stillirise]

As a contemplate more and more about freeing myself from my uPDh, lots of things come up. Of course the children and our safety are primary concerns. However, how does one handle the separation with the non's in a PD spouse's FOO? Other than his uPDf, I truly like, and get along well with, the rest of his family.  We have been married 20 years, and have several nieces and nephews, along with SIL/BIL relationships that I have come to value greatly.  His family isn't blind to the situation, but they have no idea how bad things really are.  I know he has already tried to begin a smear campaign against me, with some of them.  Do I just let the cards fall where they may?  I want them to be supportive of uPDh for the sake of the children, although they don't seem to grasp how unstable he is.  I also know once uPDFIL turns on me, the rest of them won't have much choice in the matter, or they will also suffer the wrath.  I've seen him burn bridges with his own FOO before. It is ugly, and the grudge lasts beyond the other person's death.

Anyone actually have decent in-laws, who managed to be supportive of the PD, but also was able to remain in some kind of civil contact with you?

[Poison Ivy]

My former father-in-law contributed greatly to the demise of my marriage. I have not remained in contact with him nor him with me.  In fact, I reduced my contact with him several years before the divorce.  My ex-husband's siblings are basically decent people. I would like to have contact with them, and at the least I would like it if they  maintained contact with my and my ex's children.  Unfortunately, in this situation, I think the tone and style of interactions are heavily influenced by the existing family dynamics, and my ex's family has poor communication, weak ties, and a certain lack of thoughtfulness.  Even more significant is that my ex himself has neglected our children for several years.  So he's not exactly in a morally defensible position, even if he wanted to be, to say to his sibs, "Hey, can you give my daughters a call?"

[cant turn back]

Hi Stillirse. 
Yup, I have that situation that you described.  For 30 years my ExH's siblings were also my siblings, their spouses, my niece and nephew.. we were family.  Now?  I know how they feel about me, I think I do, I want to believe I do, yet, they have distanced themselves from me considerably..  I know they are doing so because ExH can't possibly bear for them to maintain relations with me.  They are supporting him.  I think they know I will be ok with or without them.. whereas ExH is much more needy.  This has been a huge loss for me, like I said, while I know how they feel about me, the fact that they won't do 'the right thing' and have to walk on eggshells with ExH as it pertains to me, well, I just feel very disposable.  Me, my feelings, our relationships, all of our history, who I am, none of this matters anymore since I'm not married to my ExH.  I am so disappointed by their lack of integrity and I am still very pissed off about it, very hurt.  I didn't expect this to happen.  My ExH has made sure that I would be hurt too, just as he threatened, when I would not back down in pursuing divorce.  Even if in the future circumstances improve, I don't think I will ever be able to really let my guard down or fully trust them again.
People reveal themselves to you in times like these. 
So hurtful and so disappointing.
But, that which does not kill us makes us stronger...

[Whiteheron]

I had a wonderful relationship with stbx's FOO, which he destroyed with his lies and manipulations. They have all turned on me, his mom went from fully supporting me and asking me to keep in touch to agreeing to testify against me in court about how crazy I am and how she always knew there was something wrong with me. It was heartbreaking. I was more upset about this loss than I was about the divorce. I had listened to her and supported her for 20 years! 20! When she came to me to vent about FIL and his abuse. I offered support, listened, whatever she needed. Now she claims it never happened. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I saw her true colors and they are not what she likes to think they are.

It's very hard for them to go against their son. I never expected them to, I never expected that sides would be chosen. I guess I was very naive. 

[Stillirise]

Ugh. I suppose it's like most of the other issues in this situation...hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

[pushit]

Frankly, you should expect them to side with him.  They might be cordial, they may not speak to you.  They may work against you.  Their FOO will usually circle the wagons and protect their dysfunction from being visible.  Just don't let it affect you.  Remind yourself that it isn't about you, they are continuing the unhealthy cycle that you chose to break.

In my case, every person is a little different.  My FIL is very pleasant to me, which I expected.  In the past we had a lot of late night conversations after a few drinks about the difficulties in my marriage, and he clearly gets there is a problem with my stbxPDw.  My MIL speaks to me, but only a short hello.  Not mean, but not real friendly.  I don't care though, she is fully enmeshed with stbxPDw and is a shell of a human so that's what I figured would happen.  I ran into stbxPDw's cousin at a birthday party awhile back, cool guy and we always got along.  I got a hearty handshake from him and "how ya doin' brother?" and we chatted like normal.  One weird thing is one of her uncles that I used to get along with great would barely speak to me towards the end of our marriage, I suspect he bought into all the BS that was being said about me.

I've noticed it a lot with every friend we've made along the way.  At a Bday party recently, one of the other moms avoided me and then gave stbxPDw a big hug at the end.  She had been very friendly to me before the divorce.  The thought occurred to me "you know what, I'm making decisions about people right now too".  Divorce is a great litmus test for deciding who should be in your life and who is expendable.  The behavior of every person around me is telling me who to keep and who to forget, they get to choose and I know I'll be happy with the results in the long run.  Some of the couples we met together have been great though, they've treated both of us nicely.  I think they understand that stuff happens and just don't want to get caught up in it.  I respect that, it shows maturity and I like them all the more.