[p123]

As I knew it would....

I've "got to" visit this weekend apparently to get him food. He doesn't know "how hes going to last 3 weeks for food" (Let me buy more and fill the freezer up).
He "panicked the other day because he thought brother was away for same week as I was and it made him ill for a day". (Drama for no reason - if you can't cope go into a home)/
"Hes not been feeling right last few days " (You're going away - do you realise how ill I am?)

Already, I'm getting the "I'll be so worried about you when you're there". Anyone lives in central Florida please don't kill me when I'm there, or anyone whos in Philadelphia airport when we changed planes.

"Make sure you phone me when you get there because I'll be so worried in case there was a problem with the plane" (Watch the news any air crashes will be on there I think!). Must admit tempted to ring him when I arrive at 8pm into tampa (it'll be 1am uk time) and say "oopsie sorry I forgot about the time difference but good news I'm ok".

Hes also ramping up the "so you don't get paid for the time away, do you?" (Really? I'll just go and cancel the holiday now I didnt know that -I've only been doing a consultancy job for 10 years). He even said the other day "so you have told your employer you're away?" (not my employer my client but yes of course they know. I'm not disappearing for 3 weeks).

Of course, the kicker is going to be he knows I'm spending all my time with my family. ZERO time is his. And he doesn't like it one bit. When I'm home I visit probably 3 times a month but call him maybe twice a week. When I'm away he expects a daily phone call - why the ramp up? Aint happening anyway.

He knows I use a different mobile/cell number in the USA so hes asked for it. Tempted to give him a false number to be honest. Hes also asked for my wifes number as well. No chance of that happening. Any drama obviously being an 8 hour flight away is not going to make any odds anyway - nothing at all I can do.

I just know one of these days - I can feel it - that hes gonna pull a major makeupitis just before I go. My wife and I have discussed this and, unless I can get independent opinion from a medical professional that hes going to drop dead in the the next few days, I'm going anyway.

[Iguanagos]

I hope you're able to have a wonderful drama-free visit away from him!

I had to stop telling my parents with PD in advance of my plans - too much risk of a last minute "emergency".  This isn't always possible, but to the extent you can reduce sharing your plans, especially travel plans, it will probably help.

Sometimes I would tell them of my trip sometime after it was over ("oh, I forgot to tell you?  Yes, we went, and it was wonderful").  Other times, I told them of an upcoming trip, but was vague on specific details like when I was leaving, length of trip, etc.  For example, I made sure to say the trip was "probably" in the fall when it was actually in the summer, so I could go on the trip and be back before they had a chance to ramp up the drama.

It is exhausting, I know.  I hope you have a wonderful trip.

Oh, and definitely don't give the US number if you can!  Like you said, what can you actually do from 8 hours away?  That's what emergency services are for.  In fact, I think it's really important to stress this point as the PD gets older.  They will look around them for whomever they can latch onto, and don't care if it totally takes over your life.  Pulling back is sometimes the only way for them to be willing to find other resources that are not you.

[Andeza]

I would have told him international call rates are insane and you won't be available by any means until you return. But that's just me.

[WomanInterrupted]

Oi vey!   

First, *stop* telling him anything about trips or travels.  What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.  Next time, you'll know better. 

Second - push the ball back to his side of the table.  Food?  Call the grocery store and have it delivered, otherwise, you don't know what to tell him.  You can't do it.  He'll have to figure out something else.   

He's not been feeling well?  Call a DOCTOR and make an appointment.   

His anxiety?  "I'm sorry you feel that way.  Anyway..." - and change the subject.   

And that whole convoluted mess about your job - tell him ONLY, "It's sorted."  "It's handled."  "I've got this." - and nothing more, including not being paid, or any of the other details regarding whether you're the boss or the client.  Shut that stuff DOWN and refuse to answer with anything other than what I wrote in the opening sentence of this paragraph.

I'd also  cut down on your monthly visits to ONE, and call *once a week, if that.*   

You want him to see you as useless and unreliable, so he'll go bug somebody else.   

Calling every day from the US?  I'm glad you see how ridiculous that is.  You're not a teenager, reporting in  from your class trip!   

Calling as soon as you land?  NO!     

My DH travels a lot, and you know how I know the plane landed safely?  I look it up, online.   

I wouldn't call him *at all* - and I'd turn your phone OFF, and leave it at the hotel.  It sounds like you need a holiday from your electronic collar and leash, too. 

And you're *definitely* on the right track with being "ill" or in the hospital - there's nothing you can do but get in the way of the *trained professionals* - so go on your trip and have a good time!   

You're *getting there* - your putting up boundaries, and once those work, you're going to want to keep putting up *more* boundaries, because it frees you from his tentacles.   

The first few times we say no, and the sky doesn't fall and the world doesn't end are *powerful* because we realize we DO have the ability to take back our lives.   

I hope your trip is *amazing* - and your phone stays in a drawer, at the hotel.

And I'm *really* hoping you gave him that fake number. 

 

[p123]

I hope you're able to have a wonderful drama-free visit away from him!

I had to stop telling my parents with PD in advance of my plans - too much risk of a last minute "emergency".  This isn't always possible, but to the extent you can reduce sharing your plans, especially travel plans, it will probably help.

Sometimes I would tell them of my trip sometime after it was over ("oh, I forgot to tell you?  Yes, we went, and it was wonderful").  Other times, I told them of an upcoming trip, but was vague on specific details like when I was leaving, length of trip, etc.  For example, I made sure to say the trip was "probably" in the fall when it was actually in the summer, so I could go on the trip and be back before they had a chance to ramp up the drama.

It is exhausting, I know.  I hope you have a wonderful trip.

Oh, and definitely don't give the US number if you can!  Like you said, what can you actually do from 8 hours away?  That's what emergency services are for.  In fact, I think it's really important to stress this point as the PD gets older.  They will look around them for whomever they can latch onto, and don't care if it totally takes over your life.  Pulling back is sometimes the only way for them to be willing to find other resources that are not you.

Im not the only one then!

Yes tempted not to give him the number to be honest.......

[p123]

I would have told him international call rates are insane and you won't be available by any means until you return. But that's just me.

Oh I do that - at least it gets me out of a call within 60 seconds...

[p123]

Oi vey!   

First, *stop* telling him anything about trips or travels.  What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.  Next time, you'll know better. 

Second - push the ball back to his side of the table.  Food?  Call the grocery store and have it delivered, otherwise, you don't know what to tell him.  You can't do it.  He'll have to figure out something else.   

He's not been feeling well?  Call a DOCTOR and make an appointment.   

His anxiety?  "I'm sorry you feel that way.  Anyway..." - and change the subject.   

And that whole convoluted mess about your job - tell him ONLY, "It's sorted."  "It's handled."  "I've got this." - and nothing more, including not being paid, or any of the other details regarding whether you're the boss or the client.  Shut that stuff DOWN and refuse to answer with anything other than what I wrote in the opening sentence of this paragraph.

I'd also  cut down on your monthly visits to ONE, and call *once a week, if that.*   

You want him to see you as useless and unreliable, so he'll go bug somebody else.   

Calling every day from the US?  I'm glad you see how ridiculous that is.  You're not a teenager, reporting in  from your class trip!   

Calling as soon as you land?  NO!     

My DH travels a lot, and you know how I know the plane landed safely?  I look it up, online.   

I wouldn't call him *at all* - and I'd turn your phone OFF, and leave it at the hotel.  It sounds like you need a holiday from your electronic collar and leash, too. 

And you're *definitely* on the right track with being "ill" or in the hospital - there's nothing you can do but get in the way of the *trained professionals* - so go on your trip and have a good time!   

You're *getting there* - your putting up boundaries, and once those work, you're going to want to keep putting up *more* boundaries, because it frees you from his tentacles.   

The first few times we say no, and the sky doesn't fall and the world doesn't end are *powerful* because we realize we DO have the ability to take back our lives.   

I hope your trip is *amazing* - and your phone stays in a drawer, at the hotel.

And I'm *really* hoping you gave him that fake number. 

 

Thanks WI. Yes going to give him fake number.....

Hes already got a fake number for my wifes normal phone. Did I mention that before? This was after the last weekend away argument where he roped my brother into the facebook message abuse game (and included my wife).

Week later he says "Just realised I dont have wifes number". Yeh right one week after you had a major fit because I didnt phone you back and you tried all ways to contact me you just thought of it? I told him no need. (After that weekend if my Dad had phoned my wife it would NOT have ended well - she'd have told him to f off).

He kept on every time I spoke to him. "why? why" why". In the end I gave him the number with 2 digits wrong to shut him up. I can never see a reason why he'd ever have a legitimate reason to call her....

[Hazy111]

Ive just realised my land line is disconnected . Tempted to never get it fixed. It leaves only my mobile. 

[p123]

Ive just realised my land line is disconnected . Tempted to never get it fixed. It leaves only my mobile.

Many times in the past I've disconnected my landline and then set block on my mobile.... (The 3 day, 3 emergency calls, 3 ambulances, 3 hospital admissions, ONE alleged illness a few years ago prompted this).

[ingenting]

Trust me, he won't starve or keel over.. they are so good at making themselves the centre of the universe

Have you thought about changing your mobile number period or blocking his number? I wouldn't engage with him whatsoever after defining the boundaries and that you are going to be away.

I agree that if you appear as bland and useless, your father will go somewhere else for supply. You may have to do the same with your brother when your father moves to him for supply.

Enjoy your vacay

[p123]

Well that was probably the worse visit ever....

Started off badly. Apparently he is "amazed" (his words) that I'm being so irresponsible to have a holiday when I don't get paid. Jeez every SINGLE YEAR I get it from him. How hard is it to understand that if I'm an employee I get paid holidays and get paid £10. If I'm a consultant I get upaid holidays. £30 if I work all year and have no tine off or £29.50 if I take time off. I sometimes wonder how someone can be so stupid.....

I did lose it a bit and told him I was also amazed that he through it was any of his business, amazed that he says the same thing every year, and amazed that he thinks me incapable of intelligent reasoning. I also told him I'd like my kids to remember their childhood not remember how long I spent in the office.

SO annoyed with him at the moment....

To top it all off he gave my kids £10 each for their holiday. Great. That'll make a dent in the £40K in the bank. Might pay for an ice cream. Even kids noticed their gra (wifes mother) had given them £100 each to spend (and shes got no savings). Not wanting to be ungrateful but I've never seen anyone so mean.

One positive. He didn't ask for my phone number in the US so I've not given it to him.

FFFRRRREEEEEDDDDOOOOMMMMM!

[p123]

Although just had a call 930am. Im in work last day.

"Not feeling right - can you pop over later".

"No I'm going on holidays tomorrow and got to pack - call the GP". (We both know this wont work though because they no longer put with his makeupitis).
"Can't your wife pack? Im so unwell" (womans job again!)

What on earth he expect me to do? I work In IT no no healthcare. Told him nope - hes not happy.

One more day and then I'm on a plane..... Not long now

[AwaywiththeFairies]

Enjoy your holiday, and your freedom! Wouldn't it be a shame if your phone didn't work over there and you couldn't call him at all?

I mind my first holiday in the States. I didn't speak to my PD mother for ten days, but then moved location so thought I should let her know (heaven knows why, it's not like she could do anything!). So she decided to have a moan with my elderly nan whilst I was on the phone to her. I was so upset - she didn't have to mention my nan and her problems with her, but of course she couldn't just let me enjoy my holiday, that would have been too much to ask for.

Have fun, relax, and try and forget your troubles!

[p123]

Enjoy your holiday, and your freedom! Wouldn't it be a shame if your phone didn't work over there and you couldn't call him at all?

I mind my first holiday in the States. I didn't speak to my PD mother for ten days, but then moved location so thought I should let her know (heaven knows why, it's not like she could do anything!). So she decided to have a moan with my elderly nan whilst I was on the phone to her. I was so upset - she didn't have to mention my nan and her problems with her, but of course she couldn't just let me enjoy my holiday, that would have been too much to ask for.

Have fun, relax, and try and forget your troubles!

VERY tempted to do this to be honest.....

He expects more calls when I'm away than when I'm home. Hates that someone else is having my attention.

He was unbelievable yesterday. When he was telling me how amazed he was that I was blowing money on this holiday I tried to ignore him. Hes got this thing where he'll stop talking, look at me, and keep repeating "Say, say, say?". Its weird - its like his way of saying I've asked you something, or you something so you better respond. Hes a bully.

And I had the obligatory "I'll be thinking about you every day, don't do anything silly and be safe". That was the thing is the days DRAMA!

[WomanInterrupted]

You wrote:  "I'll be thinking about you every day, don't do anything silly and be safe"   

Translation:  I'll be sitting here, stewing, that I didn't get my way, dreaming up ways to punish you when you get back, so  you better be ready to jump right back in!  I want my REVENGE.   

I'd respond to, "Say, say, say?"

"I already SAID.  Asked and answered.  Please change the subject." 

Any other attempt to discuss it?

"Dad.  Drop it." - and *you* change the subject, and *ignore* any further attempts to discuss something that's really none of his business. 

You've GOT this, P123!   

Enjoy your holiday - you've MORE than earned it! 

 

[p123]

well im here. hello usa!!!!

im ready for him. first phonecall - "dont be worried but ive had to call the doctor to come out"

sore throat apparently. yeh really ill. not helped that he told the community nurse who told him to ring doctor if it got worse. it always does.

gp came out. must have forgotten hes banned. gave him antibiotics. pointless. prob just to shut him up.

told him i wasnt worried because it was a sore throat. hes not happy. expecting daily phone calls because hes ill. seen it before.

not happening. ill phone in few days expecting "i thought you'd have phoned to see how i was"

#nope not worried at all

[SunnyMeadow]

Hello p123!!

I'm sorry you can't enjoy your holiday without talking to your dad. He's got a sore throat? Oh no! 

If possible, don't call and try to put him out of your mind. You are on vacation, time away from all the usual things you do when you're at home. Don't call, if he calls you be short and say you'll talk to him when you get back, then block him.

Have fun!

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm glad all our violent, gun-toting and apparently *endless* supply of criminals haven't killed you and yours to death! 

Oh noes!  A SORE THROAT!?!?!? 

It's the end of the world, people!  P123's dad has a sore throat!   

Actually, he just handed you a, "Get Out Of Jail, Free" card - he's got a sore throat.  Of COURSE *you're not going to call until you get back, so he can rest his voice and let his throat mend.* 

Yes, the *last* thing he should be doing is talking on the phone and straining his voice or his throat.  It needs rest and recuperation - besides, it's a sore freaking throat. 

Big whoop -  it does NOT require you to check on him.  It requires *him* to take care of himself,  gargle with salt water or Listerine, like the rest of us, and phone for assistance if he thinks his symptoms are getting worse.

Personally, I wouldn't call him until about 4 days after you get back - you'll have time to unpack, get over your jet lag, and get back to your normal routines. 

When you do call (or should I say, IF you decide to call   ), and he tries laying a guilt trip on you, stick to the FACTS:  a sore throat requires rest and is *not a medical emergency.*  You were sure he'd be fine - and he is - but you're really busy and will talk to him later.  Bye!   

Then I wouldn't call for several weeks.  You ARE busy, after all! 

Let your brother deal with him. 

 

[p123]

ha ha like I said before I have been robbed by a big mouse!!!!

oh yes. I know its all made up.

Thing is as you all know we"re in uk. healthcare is free. but very very very under resourced. The way he abusea the system is not on.

If he had to pay even a £ for a gp visit he'd never never go.

[p123]

Well, I'm back from Florida. Missed Hurrican Dorian too!

I did speak to Dad a few times when I was away. Didn't give him my number and limited the time (told him I only had so many minutes to use). This seemed to work well and limit the long moany phone calls. After a few days he did drop the "woe is me I've got a sort throat" act.

On the negative side, brother is now totally blocked on facebook. Decided to make a "comment" on one of my posts about coming home yesterday sarcastically commenting that I'd told everyone (inc Dad) that I was coming home Tuesday. (I hadn't - no idea where he got that from. I'd phoned Dad when I got home too). Had enough of his comments now.

Also, brother is away tomorrow for two weeks. I'd forgotten about that. Of course, Dad mentions it and says "so you'll have to look after me when hes away". Yep just like that. Ummm no. His idea of "looking after him" involves a visit in the week, visit both days at the weekend. Oh and doing his laundry. Double NO! Its just not going to happen. His whole idea, as normal seems to be, "not got the time, find the time, because thats the way it is".

Must admit I am tempted to say to him if he really can't cope alone then he needs to rethink his living arrangements. That'll get him going...

I was going to tell him a little white lie that I was working Saturday. The gods must be smiling on me - got to work today and they urgently asked me to work Saturday am so I don't even have to lie now! (OK it'll be done by 12 but not telling him that!)

Well the holiday was nice. It was REALLY nice not to have to deal with him. Is that awful that I missed him like ZERO?