[p123]

As I knew it would....

I've "got to" visit this weekend apparently to get him food. He doesn't know "how hes going to last 3 weeks for food" (Let me buy more and fill the freezer up).
He "panicked the other day because he thought brother was away for same week as I was and it made him ill for a day". (Drama for no reason - if you can't cope go into a home)/
"Hes not been feeling right last few days " (You're going away - do you realise how ill I am?)

Already, I'm getting the "I'll be so worried about you when you're there". Anyone lives in central Florida please don't kill me when I'm there, or anyone whos in Philadelphia airport when we changed planes.

"Make sure you phone me when you get there because I'll be so worried in case there was a problem with the plane" (Watch the news any air crashes will be on there I think!). Must admit tempted to ring him when I arrive at 8pm into tampa (it'll be 1am uk time) and say "oopsie sorry I forgot about the time difference but good news I'm ok".

Hes also ramping up the "so you don't get paid for the time away, do you?" (Really? I'll just go and cancel the holiday now I didnt know that -I've only been doing a consultancy job for 10 years). He even said the other day "so you have told your employer you're away?" (not my employer my client but yes of course they know. I'm not disappearing for 3 weeks).

Of course, the kicker is going to be he knows I'm spending all my time with my family. ZERO time is his. And he doesn't like it one bit. When I'm home I visit probably 3 times a month but call him maybe twice a week. When I'm away he expects a daily phone call - why the ramp up? Aint happening anyway.

He knows I use a different mobile/cell number in the USA so hes asked for it. Tempted to give him a false number to be honest. Hes also asked for my wifes number as well. No chance of that happening. Any drama obviously being an 8 hour flight away is not going to make any odds anyway - nothing at all I can do.

I just know one of these days - I can feel it - that hes gonna pull a major makeupitis just before I go. My wife and I have discussed this and, unless I can get independent opinion from a medical professional that hes going to drop dead in the the next few days, I'm going anyway.

[Iguanagos]

I hope you're able to have a wonderful drama-free visit away from him!

I had to stop telling my parents with PD in advance of my plans - too much risk of a last minute "emergency".  This isn't always possible, but to the extent you can reduce sharing your plans, especially travel plans, it will probably help.

Sometimes I would tell them of my trip sometime after it was over ("oh, I forgot to tell you?  Yes, we went, and it was wonderful").  Other times, I told them of an upcoming trip, but was vague on specific details like when I was leaving, length of trip, etc.  For example, I made sure to say the trip was "probably" in the fall when it was actually in the summer, so I could go on the trip and be back before they had a chance to ramp up the drama.

It is exhausting, I know.  I hope you have a wonderful trip.

Oh, and definitely don't give the US number if you can!  Like you said, what can you actually do from 8 hours away?  That's what emergency services are for.  In fact, I think it's really important to stress this point as the PD gets older.  They will look around them for whomever they can latch onto, and don't care if it totally takes over your life.  Pulling back is sometimes the only way for them to be willing to find other resources that are not you.

[Andeza]

I would have told him international call rates are insane and you won't be available by any means until you return. But that's just me.

[WomanInterrupted]

Oi vey!   

First, *stop* telling him anything about trips or travels.  What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.  Next time, you'll know better. 

Second - push the ball back to his side of the table.  Food?  Call the grocery store and have it delivered, otherwise, you don't know what to tell him.  You can't do it.  He'll have to figure out something else.   

He's not been feeling well?  Call a DOCTOR and make an appointment.   

His anxiety?  "I'm sorry you feel that way.  Anyway..." - and change the subject.   

And that whole convoluted mess about your job - tell him ONLY, "It's sorted."  "It's handled."  "I've got this." - and nothing more, including not being paid, or any of the other details regarding whether you're the boss or the client.  Shut that stuff DOWN and refuse to answer with anything other than what I wrote in the opening sentence of this paragraph.

I'd also  cut down on your monthly visits to ONE, and call *once a week, if that.*   

You want him to see you as useless and unreliable, so he'll go bug somebody else.   

Calling every day from the US?  I'm glad you see how ridiculous that is.  You're not a teenager, reporting in  from your class trip!   

Calling as soon as you land?  NO!     

My DH travels a lot, and you know how I know the plane landed safely?  I look it up, online.   

I wouldn't call him *at all* - and I'd turn your phone OFF, and leave it at the hotel.  It sounds like you need a holiday from your electronic collar and leash, too. 

And you're *definitely* on the right track with being "ill" or in the hospital - there's nothing you can do but get in the way of the *trained professionals* - so go on your trip and have a good time!   

You're *getting there* - your putting up boundaries, and once those work, you're going to want to keep putting up *more* boundaries, because it frees you from his tentacles.   

The first few times we say no, and the sky doesn't fall and the world doesn't end are *powerful* because we realize we DO have the ability to take back our lives.   

I hope your trip is *amazing* - and your phone stays in a drawer, at the hotel.

And I'm *really* hoping you gave him that fake number. 

 

[p123]

I hope you're able to have a wonderful drama-free visit away from him!

I had to stop telling my parents with PD in advance of my plans - too much risk of a last minute "emergency".  This isn't always possible, but to the extent you can reduce sharing your plans, especially travel plans, it will probably help.

Sometimes I would tell them of my trip sometime after it was over ("oh, I forgot to tell you?  Yes, we went, and it was wonderful").  Other times, I told them of an upcoming trip, but was vague on specific details like when I was leaving, length of trip, etc.  For example, I made sure to say the trip was "probably" in the fall when it was actually in the summer, so I could go on the trip and be back before they had a chance to ramp up the drama.

It is exhausting, I know.  I hope you have a wonderful trip.

Oh, and definitely don't give the US number if you can!  Like you said, what can you actually do from 8 hours away?  That's what emergency services are for.  In fact, I think it's really important to stress this point as the PD gets older.  They will look around them for whomever they can latch onto, and don't care if it totally takes over your life.  Pulling back is sometimes the only way for them to be willing to find other resources that are not you.

Im not the only one then!

Yes tempted not to give him the number to be honest.......

[p123]

I would have told him international call rates are insane and you won't be available by any means until you return. But that's just me.

Oh I do that - at least it gets me out of a call within 60 seconds...

[p123]

Oi vey!   

First, *stop* telling him anything about trips or travels.  What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.  Next time, you'll know better. 

Second - push the ball back to his side of the table.  Food?  Call the grocery store and have it delivered, otherwise, you don't know what to tell him.  You can't do it.  He'll have to figure out something else.   

He's not been feeling well?  Call a DOCTOR and make an appointment.   

His anxiety?  "I'm sorry you feel that way.  Anyway..." - and change the subject.   

And that whole convoluted mess about your job - tell him ONLY, "It's sorted."  "It's handled."  "I've got this." - and nothing more, including not being paid, or any of the other details regarding whether you're the boss or the client.  Shut that stuff DOWN and refuse to answer with anything other than what I wrote in the opening sentence of this paragraph.

I'd also  cut down on your monthly visits to ONE, and call *once a week, if that.*   

You want him to see you as useless and unreliable, so he'll go bug somebody else.   

Calling every day from the US?  I'm glad you see how ridiculous that is.  You're not a teenager, reporting in  from your class trip!   

Calling as soon as you land?  NO!     

My DH travels a lot, and you know how I know the plane landed safely?  I look it up, online.   

I wouldn't call him *at all* - and I'd turn your phone OFF, and leave it at the hotel.  It sounds like you need a holiday from your electronic collar and leash, too. 

And you're *definitely* on the right track with being "ill" or in the hospital - there's nothing you can do but get in the way of the *trained professionals* - so go on your trip and have a good time!   

You're *getting there* - your putting up boundaries, and once those work, you're going to want to keep putting up *more* boundaries, because it frees you from his tentacles.   

The first few times we say no, and the sky doesn't fall and the world doesn't end are *powerful* because we realize we DO have the ability to take back our lives.   

I hope your trip is *amazing* - and your phone stays in a drawer, at the hotel.

And I'm *really* hoping you gave him that fake number. 

 

Thanks WI. Yes going to give him fake number.....

Hes already got a fake number for my wifes normal phone. Did I mention that before? This was after the last weekend away argument where he roped my brother into the facebook message abuse game (and included my wife).

Week later he says "Just realised I dont have wifes number". Yeh right one week after you had a major fit because I didnt phone you back and you tried all ways to contact me you just thought of it? I told him no need. (After that weekend if my Dad had phoned my wife it would NOT have ended well - she'd have told him to f off).

He kept on every time I spoke to him. "why? why" why". In the end I gave him the number with 2 digits wrong to shut him up. I can never see a reason why he'd ever have a legitimate reason to call her....

[Hazy111]

Ive just realised my land line is disconnected . Tempted to never get it fixed. It leaves only my mobile. 

[p123]

Ive just realised my land line is disconnected . Tempted to never get it fixed. It leaves only my mobile.

Many times in the past I've disconnected my landline and then set block on my mobile.... (The 3 day, 3 emergency calls, 3 ambulances, 3 hospital admissions, ONE alleged illness a few years ago prompted this).

[Shopsuey]

Trust me, he won't starve or keel over.. they are so good at making themselves the centre of the universe

Have you thought about changing your mobile number period or blocking his number? I wouldn't engage with him whatsoever after defining the boundaries and that you are going to be away.

I agree that if you appear as bland and useless, your father will go somewhere else for supply. You may have to do the same with your brother when your father moves to him for supply.

Enjoy your vacay