can't deal with anymore of my M's narc rage- ENOUGH

[eternallystuck]

I've been crying since yday. I was crying all the way back from the shop and this morning since I woke up. I feel pathetic but at the same time its like a release bc I am so programmed to weather such ridiculous erratic narc behaviour on a constant basis its like I forget not to be ashamed for crying once a while

Sometimes I just want to be numb bc I am tired of being on the emotional rollercoaster, I barely get any happiness bc of it. I just want to not be upset about it, not feel anything anymore. I feel like all the energy from my existence is drained by her and trying to not be upset by it all

I cant wait till my counsellor gets back off holiday but at the same time I feel like shes going to be disappointed, becos my foo is still toxic, and I am still deeply upset and isolated bc of it. The amount of time I spend alone anxious is not healthy. It like ok, the talking is helpful to an extent, but it doesn't fill the void, and it doesn't make the burden much lighter. I can only distract myself until I am reminded of the void again. I really would like to meet a nice partner I can build with to take my mind off it but lately all I keep meeting is dim, lazy immature dudes who want to use me for 1 reason or another. Dudes that are fully grown and need u to raise them on top of your own stuff- I am too tired from this battle to do that. I certainly don't want to have a baby with them & continue the abuse cycle

I just want a mother. Or at least a sis I can have a bond with (tough luck sis is GC and is mini version of NPD M).

I just want one family member that cares and is safe to run to when I feel like this. I just want, one to acknowledge how depressed this has made me and to respond with some compassion for once, than a narc that doesn't see anybody but themselves. Just one that I can go talk to, plan fun events with and get a hug from and there isn't ONE because they are all poisonous

As usual I keep stuff in too much and it just bursts out. But there's only myself & a therapist to deal with it

I am so emotionally worn down and lost I don't even know where to start. There has been so much destruction to acknowledge, so much debris to clear. I feel like its only just dawning on me over these last few years and I'm adding stuff together- the way I've constantly repeated patterns bc of toxic foo- being used, being disrespected, oversharing, giving 7th chances to ungrateful people, minimising myself, being codependent, settling etc. Ofc this then leads to you having to cut a lot of people off a lot of times, bc you keep repeating the pattern till you see it

Not just that but my upbringing was so messed up I didn't have a chance in hell of socialising normally like every1 else bc I always had this huge emotional burden, and this controlling M threatening the roof over my head, my criminal g-ma I had to parent, my vicious manipulative GC sis to contend with and a missing pointless father. To the point that any friend messing around was enough to tip me over. I probably was too fragile to weather the typical pitfalls and learn my lessons quick. I was willing to put up with anti social behaviour bc I probably was needy

At this point I barely have anything left, any energy. No friends, no bf, and my education is barely clinging on. My M and co have worn me down and obliterated the life out of me. My knees were always going to cave at some point. At every moment my mood has picked up my M has shot me right down, like she enjoys letting me think I've slipped away then she can remind me of her 'power' to upset me

Its like the weight of the last 2 and a half decades are weighing down on me. My therapist keeps pushing me down the forgive and forget route and u know what I don't want to bc that's what keeps me safe. Its not about being stubborn, time and time again this woman proves she is toxic, immature and narcissistic incapable of being sincere or loving or recognising the harm she has done. The fact she doesn't feel she has to apologise and is hostile when I try bring this up speaks volumes. Why should I ignore this

I haven't forgotten the fact I lived in a near permanent state of anxiety and egg stepping and how one convo with her is enough to bring those feelings back. I haven't forgotten her making me homeless after ruining my mental health. I haven't forgotten the times I forced myself into a vegetable state to escape her diatribes and outbursts. I haven't forgotten all the times she ignored my texts or turned up 2 hours late and expected me to be grateful she bothered to turn up at all, or even raged at me bc I said I was cold waiting. I haven't forgotten all the lies shes told to flea ridden foo members. I haven't forgotten the fact she's driven a wedge between me & my younger sibling since day 1. I have allowed that cold woman to waste too many years of my life, that she didn't deserve. I have been beyond reasonable in my turning of the cheek, beyond what most would consider rational or healthy. She is just rotten to the core, and I feel admitting I can't change her is defeat.

I am tired of fighting this war with my NPD m, both my sis and g-ma highly narc, both anti social vein popping personalities. My sis is the GC, stuck up and vicious as hell, my grandma, immature manipulative histrionic, gets off on making you irate feigning innocence once she's done so. I can't help but feel unlucky this is what I got handed as a 'family unit'. I can't help but look at others and be sad that I've missed all these mum and daughter dates or sibling bonding sessions. Me and my sis literally dont say happy bday. I have no idea what that is like, because my foo has always been this way and won't change

I sometimes am in awe I have managed to go on this long but I increasingly feel more broken than brave. It actually feels good to admit that finally rather than pretending I am coping

It doesn't seem normal at all. Even people I've met in real life who've confided in me that they have a dysfunctional family- all of them had at least 1 decent foo member to lean on whether it be a cousin, uncle, sis etc. Imagine I haven't had 1 nearby me- just toxic, toxic family- you have to isolate yourself from to catch a breath

There is NO1 in my immediate foo that you can have a healthy or even compromised relationship with & my distant foo have always been just that. We've never been a 'close' foo bc its fractured generation on generation

My M had another narc rage yday and I just put the phone down and blocked her. Within 10 minutes I had 7missed calls and 3 voicemails. Boy did I see the red flags she just wanted to start some shit and go off cos of her internalised guilt at how she has ruined her kids mental health & the fact that her beta partner literally *endures* her for the sake of his kid. I don't even want to listen to them bc I can't stand the tone of her screechy viscous voice , it goes through me

As usual she was trying to make a huge deal out of nothing. I asked her for a lift, she replied 4hrs later saying 'I'm coming', by which point I had gone to the shop and text /rang her to let her know. As usual she ignores her phone (cos everythings on HER terms) then tells me she came and I wasnt there. She then starts trying to accuse me of lying about how much a treatment I'm having costs and I could SEE what she was doing. She was itching for an excuse to blow up in my face and project on me cos shes tired of working x amount of hours, her soured stale drawn out relationship she chooses to stay in doesn't fulfil her, cos of her nuanced relationship with my narc gran. NONE of this is anything to do with me or within my control but she still feels entitled to spew it all into me. I've had enough of the childish emotional tantrums, and her childish inability to self reflect or express restraint.

I've had enough of her vicious personal diatribes, just cos she 'feels out of sorts'- she is a narcissist, she does not see me , she does not see how much she has worn me down, she stampedes all over my boundaries, laughs at me when I am upset, runs past the warning signs when I am suicidal.

I am just starting to realise I don't think I will ever be neutral about what I think of her or what she has done to me. And I'm ok with it, because she has REALLY done a RIDIC amount to earn that hostility- and no1 put a gun to her head. You can't mediate with a narc, u just have to learn to survive

[doglady]

Oh ES, I really feel for you. Your pain is palpable. You are overwhelmed and  you’re still trying your absolute best to cope with all this.  And everything is suffering: your relationships with friends, your health and your education.

All that you describe in your post is as if you’re constantly going into battle against an army of awfulness and you feel that you are the only person you have on your side. So it’s a losing battle,  unless you withdraw as soon as possible and get off the battlefield. You need to look after yourself and your health as a priority and get out of the firing line. (Sorry about the military metaphors but that what it feels like, reading about the constant attacks on you.)

I’m also really concerned that your therapist pushes you to ‘forgive and forget.’ There are other options for your therapist to work through with you. I mean, your therapist might be otherwise pretty helpful but, really, I believe that any therapist who continues to push this agenda is one you might need to question. Is there a possibly of getting a second option? Therapists should not be pushing agendas their patients don’t want or aren’t up for.

For your own safety, wellbeing and future happiness, the main priority at the moment is not to forgive and forget but to get yourself far far away from your FOO somehow if you can, so you can have a proper chance to heal. Then, once you’ve recovered, and after a suitable period of time, maybe you’ll be in a better position to know whether you actually want to ‘forgive and forget.’ And if you decide you don’t, then that’s bloody well fine too. In my opinion, you simply can’t be pushed into this sort of decision right now when you’re so traumatised and overwhelmed. Your situation does sound absolutely unrelenting in its awfulness. So how can how can you possibly think clearly or recover, or ‘forgive and forget’ when your FOO keep on at you? So, I reiterate: why would a therapist be pushing you to ‘forgive and forget’ in the face of all that? This all sounds very invalidating to me.

You seem to me like you have a lot of inner reserves. But you’re now starting to run on empty. I hope you can find some space to get away from your FOO, who you didn’t choose to be related to and who honestly sound like hell on earth. I hope you can reach out to friends. I’m sure some of them actually do care. And continue with your education if that’s important to where you want to be in the future. It will get better. But you have to put yourself first here. Look after yourself.
Sending best wishes your way.

[athene1399]

Eternally Stuck,

I hope you can create a FOC who is able to be there for you when you need it. I have a few friends and SO who I can use for support or just to vent to. It took me a long time to find SO. I think it's good you're being picky about what you want in a partner. That 'One family member" can be part of your FOC and not your FOO.

Don't feel bad for crying. I feel it's better to get it out when needed. sometimes you just need a good cry.

My GC sis is usually just another version of my uPDM. That can be frustrating, especially when they side with each other against me. I've learned sometimes it is best to keep them in the dark, but sometimes I also grieve that we can't be closer. It is sad.

I read something once on forgiveness that it doesn't mean you excuse their behaviors, so I view it more as acceptance and moving on. You should define "forgiveness" as it works best in your situation, and not how your T may define it. Forgiveness does not have to mean "I forgive my family and will give them a second chance." It can mean "I accept that they are abusive and did terrible things to me. I will work on enforcing boundaries [or whatever you want to do to move forward]." 

I am proud of you for blocking your mom when she started raging. I think it's good that you realized you don't have to deal with that. Being your mom doesn't give her the right to treat you like crap.

Maybe if you feel on edge on friends, try letting them know. like "I know you're joking, but when you say x it makes me feel y." If they are really your friends, they don't want to make you feel bad even if they were just joking around. Maybe let them know you are touchy around certain jokes, but are working on that but may need them to stop the jokes for a bit until you get comfortable.

I hope things get better for you soon!

[eternallystuck]

doglady, thankyou. That's exactly how it feels. I think the problem is my therapist is religious, and this does really reflect in her reactions sometimes. She's quite a timid lady who works part time (who is nice don't get me wrong I'm on my 30th session) but I just don't think she really gets what its like to grow up in a white working class background with several step dads at times. I do feel a bit invalidated at times like she thinks i'm being too OTT in my feelings to her or that there is some 'love' under my mothers erratic horrible actions. Theres definitely some cultural indifferences there I think, which can be difficult to work around. In my next T I want a non religious person with a background in personality disorders.

athene1399
yes to me forgiveness is more a case of coming to accept how she is, and focusing on how I respond- as in not letting her push me into an awful state. But I do not see her being at my wedding day, or any foo for that matter. Its sad to think I am going to have to have a private ceremony in the future, and that my h's foo will probably be there, and mine won't, cos I could not trust them to ruin my day. I think it would make me very upset. But I know these people better than anybody, and I know just how easily they can tug at my strings.

yep I treat her like a naughty child now and close the door whilst she rages. She is constantly brewing to snap becos she does not have healthy ways of dealing with her issues. I have falsely set myself up for the much wanted fairytale ending many times and just led myself further into the rabbit hole so at this point i think its more mature/healthy for me to see this for what it is, and that I can't change her.

I currently have no friends as I am exhausted from repeating mistakes in that dept on top of bad foo. I've not felt up to even the possibility of another drama atm, or leading myself astray going out drinking. I do feel I am in a healthier relationship with my solitude now, I am quite enjoying it, being more productive, making friends with myself. But when I have finished my education I will be looking to get back into socialising again and making better choices xx

[candy]

Eternallystuck,
we hear you. I am so, so sorry how life and your FOO have treated you. Crying is okay, feeling broken is okay - but let me remind you: you have every reason to believe in yourself. You are not broken. You are incredibly strong and resilient. A far from everything you endured there still shines a lot of hope through your words.

You are enough! You may be that ONE family member yourself, the one who cares, pats on your back and gives you that admired hug   
I send you another, just in case.

I agree with every post that encourages you to distance yourself from your toxic FOO. And yes, ,,forgive and forget" is a concept that works with Nons, but not with NPDs. Forgiving would require your M or Sis to admit their wrongdoings and ask you for forgiveness, I think Athene1399 is spot on that you can use your own definition of forgiveness.

Focus on your education, do whatever you need to do to get away from the unhealthy people in your life. There is some sort of strength in temporally becoming the nerdy focused student, I do get it 

From one who has been there - feeling mentally unstable, been told I was the crazy one, jumping into education head over heels with the side effect of avoiding anything social for a while - I'd like to encourage you to do the opposite, to never ever stop socializing. People need people, good people. Surround yourself with good people.

Maybe hold your inside to yourself a little longer than you would usually do, maybe work with your T on how to find out if you can trust someone?
IME with NPD it is usually too soon, too intimate, too exclusive. I can only speak for myself, but I was surprised to find out that healthy relationships don't have the high ups and deep downs, that friendship and love do exist without the drama.

My SO is a drama free, reliable and consistent person. When I met DH I wasn't even sure if it was love bc I experienced my parents marriage very different (unstable, high emotions, back and forth, pledge loyalty today and break it tomorrow). You seem to already know what you're willing to deal with concerning a partner, this is great!

I like to point out that if we start changing our patterns of relating to others, if we think outside the box we have built during childhood, there will be interesting and good people, friends, partners, humans to start your own FOC!
Maybe there is a time for solitude but please do not get lonely over it.

Are there any study groups you can attend? Meet others who focus on their education?

If you don't know how to meet good people right now, maybe ask yourself what kind of qualities or let's say skills you would like your friends to have.

You like someone well-educated? Go for a book club or check the cultural activities of your local colleges.

Someone who wants to relax, soothe themselves? Yoga or meditation classes.
Someone who likes to play in a team? You get where I am heading.

Looking for altruistic people or someone who likes to help and care? Help in a homeless shelter. Or a shelter for pets. Engage in initiatives for, idk, environmental or other causes. Or have a look at what the churches are offering.

It is similar to exchanging our views here. We come here for others who get our experience, our pain. And we are surprised how many come to the same place. I am pretty sure there is a friend for you nearby. Keeping my fingers crossed for the two of you to meet once you are ready.