Just like that....summer schedule is over

[Stepping lightly]

Hi all,

This is just more of a rumination post more than anything.  I know a lot of you are excited about your children going back to school, but for us it is the end of our peaceful period.  Our custody schedule is set up so that during the school year DH gets the kids EOW and split holidays, and during the summer it reverses with BM having EOW.  We look forward to summer all year long, and then it seems like it comes and goes in a flash.

Summers are amazing for us- solid chunks of time with very little BM influence where the kids can really just settle in and relax.  DSS is the SG at BM's, so he looks forward to summers like we can only imagine.  When summer schedule starts, he literally bounces through the door and we have a smiley happy boy for 2 straight months.  He doesn't get enough to eat at BM's, we don't know the full extent of the reasons and have heard bits and pieces about their diet/amount of food at BMs.  She's very controlling with his diet, and I think he also uses food to find his sense of control with BM by not eating (I posted my concerns about this previously- we seriously try to stuff their school lockers with food when they come see us).  Anyway, he eats at our house, and he eats well- protein, veggies, fruit.   And he GROWs!  I have read that most kids do their growing during the summer, so maybe it's unrelated, but I struggle to believe his lack of a substantial diet during the year and then a solid nutritious diet during the summer don't have a hand in it.  In early summer, we were measuring him on an almost daily basis and running the marks up the wall as he grew. 

Not only do they eat well during the summer, they get to sleep....lots of sleep!  DSD told us that BM doesn't allow them to close their doors, ever, at her house.  In a small chaotic house with a toddler, that does not prove the best situation for sleeping (and DSS shares a room with the toddler, so I imagine the sleep component impacts his growth as well!).  They are also not allowed to just retreat to their rooms at BM's and read or do whatever by themselves, that is considered "anti-social" and unacceptable.  This summer, they slept late, the stayed in bed and read books for hours, they quietly hung out and drew pictures and played games.

DH was extremely fortunate this year, and he was able to take the whole summer off of work to spend time with the kids.  This was HUGE!  This meant no early mornings rushing them off to camps, no evenings rushing around packing lunches and swimsuits/towels.  They got to relax.  DH did projects with them, making furniture, painting, finally cleaning out their super messy rooms!  They recycled their massive amount of read books at t local bookstore and got piles of new books to read.  We played games....tons of games!  We went swimming, we listened to comedy and laughed until we cried....all four of us (we did this in the car one day and we still giggle about DSD not being able to sit up straight she was laughing so hard and her face was smooshed against the window with other cars looking at us like we were crazy).  DH and DSD sat and talked for hours at a time, just talked! 

DSD is the GC with BM, so she comes to our house begrudgingly and with all her teenage angst in tow.  It's so amazing to watch her let go off all of the "garbage" and just settle into being herself for awhile.  She doesn't have to live up to whatever label BM is shoving her towards- she starts to.....think with her own mind and not feel the need to battle you on every topic that comes up, she can have civil open minded discussions. 

But- with the close of summer, comes the crashing back to reality.  BM is taking the kids out of the country and told them "not to tell their father or he'd ruin it for them".  Lovely.  Every fall BM tries to line up some scheme to show how horrible we were with the kids over the summer, and we suspect she is going to try at some point to take summers away, so we treasure these days like only you all can understand....they may not last forever....but the are amazing while they do!

[Penny Lane]

Sorry to hear that SL. 

I'm so glad your H could take the summer off. It sounds like you created memories, healthy emotional skills and good eating patterns. I think this kind of thing is so important in helping them have a better foundation for non-PD-infested adulthood. It sounds like you all had an amazing summer, seriously so great for the kids (and for the adults too!)

It's awful that they can't shut their door at their mom's house! Ugh, everything about her house is so concerning. I would also be sad like you about what they're going back into this school year.

DH got to take this summer off as well, more or less, and I should be more grateful that we had that luxury. It was sooo good for the kids to get to spend that time with him - you can SEE their mental state improving when they've gotten a lot of quality time with their dad.

Hopefully your kids can take that feeling of stability, health and happiness back with them this school year. Even so, I get how hard it is to send them back into that mess.

Hang in there.

[Stepping lightly]

It is so great for the kids to get that time with their Dads!  It makes such a difference.

It's hard because now are back with BM and we won't see or hear from them for 3 full weeks.  Summers are just long enough it seems to get into a really comfortable routine, one that takes a bit of adjusting to at first- for all of us. 

[Penny Lane]

It's a special kind of hell to work so hard to get the kids stabilized and healthy then immediately have to send them back into the abusive chaos.

[athene1399]

I'm glad the summer went well! It's great that DH was able to take off work, too. Even if once they get back to BM's and adopt her narrative about how much you guys suck,  I think deep down they'll know that's not true. Hopefully one day they will stop adopting her narrative so quickly and start pushing back on the things she says, like "No. We had a great time at Dad and SL's".

It's also difficult that once you get them back in a healthy routine that you have to send them back to BM's. But I feel that even if you can't always see the progress you have made that it is still there. The kids may have to hide the fun they had with you guys, but those memories are still there even if they have to act like they hated every second of it. I hope the 3 weeks with BM go by quickly for you two. It must be hard to not hear from them for that long. This must be a difficult transition for all of you.