How to protect our spouses from the toxic inlaws?

[NotFooled]

I've pretty much distanced myself from my inlaws.  So I'm not fully aware of everything that goes on with PDBIL and OCPDMIL but I noticed DH had been kind of down the past month or so. I thought it had to do with all that we had been through this past year.  But now I'm starting to realize he's still very much feels responsible for OCPDMIL .  This morning he seemed incredibly happy, because his mother has an offer on her house but the past few weeks he seemed to be off, distant or just not very happy, at the same time OCPDMIL was freaking out about her house.  I really hate to think that his happiness is tied to his mentally ill's mothers happiness.
I really wish I could protect him from his toxic family.  I just keep reminding him it's not his responsibility this is their problem not his.  But other than that there isn't much I can think of to do to help him.

[Poison Ivy]

Unfortunately, I've encountered the same situation.  Also unfortunately (or not), this is your husband's responsibility, not yours.  He could disentangle himself emotionally from his parents but if he chooses not to, there's little you can do about it.  My ex-husband often complains about his dad, and I think, "Hmm, I'm very sympathetic, but please tell me again, why did you decide it would be a good idea to move in with your parents and become their caregiver?" His dad has been a difficult person to get along with and reside with for basically my ex's entire life, and my ex is 65.

[Laurie]

I really wish I could protect him from his toxic family.  I just keep reminding him it's not his responsibility this is their problem not his.  But other than that there isn't much I can think of to do to help him.

I'd suggest offering to just listen can be very helpful as he needs to process the situation.  It's good that you reminded him that it's not his responsibility.  After that, you might try to get his mind off the situation.  Maybe a distraction such as a good movie or one of his favorite hobbies would help.

[NotFooled]

  I'd suggest offering to just listen can be very helpful as he needs to process the situation.  It's good that you reminded him that it's not his responsibility.  After that, you might try to get his mind off the situation.  Maybe a distraction such as a good movie or one of his favorite hobbies would help.

Thanks for the advice I think the problem is worse than I thought. I believe DH has been having panic attacks due to this house situation over the past few months.  It's worrisome that even after the house sells he'll continue to be interacting with OCPDMIL.  PDBIL will not have a home to live in. I imagine there is going to be more drama coming and I don't think DH can take much more.  I've asked him to consider seeing a professional.

[all4peace]

I'm not certain that we can. Even though we all have inner children, in marriage we are actually adults and I believe are meant to treat each other as such.

If I could do it all over again, I would choose instead to make observations rather than pleading or demanding. I would also get much more clear on my own boundaries for my own interactions with the ILs, and my expectations for how we handle our own FOC.

It's so challenging when it comes to our kids and the ILs, however, as there are 2 parents and often 2 very different opinions on how to handle that.

What do you think of something along the lines of: "DH, it makes me so sad to see you struggling like you are regarding the sale of your M's house and BIL's being without a home. How can I support you?"

It reminds me of when our kids would have struggles at school. We love our kids dearly, but we really couldn't do much to resolve problems they dealt with at school. What we COULD do was love them unconditionally and try to provide a peaceful and safe home for them to return to, but they really had to work out issues at school (with guidance from us, since they were kids and not adults).

I just wonder if your situation fits into that category. You love your DH unconditionally, you offer him a safe and secure relationship at home, you have your own clear boundaries about how much you're willing to talk about/hear about/help the ILs, and you allow him to face the uncomfortable feelings he is going to have if he continues to fully engage with his mother's and brother's problems. You may also need to set firm boundaries if it begins to impact you or your marriage. Ie: Letting him know you can only listen X number of minutes per day or week about their issues, and you can let him know you see them as THEIR issues, not yours or your marriage's. I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear, but it's a way of supporting your DH while letting him know where you see the boundaries.

Good luck!

[all4peace]

I think the short version of what I'm trying to say is we can try to become observers more than fixers, while holding our own strong boundaries for ourselves, our marriages and our children.

[NotFooled]

I just wonder if your situation fits into that category. You love your DH unconditionally, you offer him a safe and secure relationship at home, you have your own clear boundaries about how much you're willing to talk about/hear about/help the ILs, and you allow him to face the uncomfortable feelings he is going to have if he continues to fully engage with his mother's and brother's problems. You may also need to set firm boundaries if it begins to impact you or your marriage. Ie: Letting him know you can only listen X number of minutes per day or week about their issues, and you can let him know you see them as THEIR issues, not yours or your marriage's. I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear, but it's a way of supporting your DH while letting him know where you see the boundaries.

Good luck!

Thank you for this advice I am trying to not just ignore this issue and let him tell me about what is happening.  I really am seeing this as taking a toll on him and I'm worried for his well being.  And I do think your suggested approach is a great idea on how to handle it.  Basically just be present and listen. 

[Starboard Song]

I feel like we protect them our best by working with them exactly as we would on any ordinary career or medical or interpersonal struggle.

When we mystify the challenges of dealing with PD family members, and start assigning marriage roles, we take away from the struggling spouse exactly the support that marriage is about. That doesn't mean letting down all boundaries, or mucking with someone who refuses to make a healthy decision. But I think it does mean being as involved and engaged as you'd be if the question were "should I go back to grad school," or "should I get that shoulder surgery."

If family relationships don't go well, it eventually stresses the marriage. You two owe it to each other, in my mind, to ensure that you address these challenges with full respect for each other's opinions and weaknesses.

In my home, I took the communication lead in our crisis. To this day, my in-laws know they can call me at any time and that I will speak politely and until they are worn out. They took me up on that offer only once in 4 years, but they know it. I am steadfastly opposed -- in our case -- to NC without an open channel, and my wife respected that. My wife is opposed to perpetual entertainment of petty overtures that show no awareness of the problem, and I absolutely respect that.

We talk way less about this, now. Hours a day has turned to about an hour a month, now. It flares up when mail comes in (which we destroy unopened), or when there is collateral family stuff. But we will always check in with each other, and we continue to have to accommodate one another. Most recently, I wanted to speak to our son. My wife wanted to deliver the main content, and I supported that. But I couldn't resist my own message, and she understood that, too.

You can do this. Do protect yourself with your own boundaries. But I encourage you to show as little daylight between you two as possible.

[Penny Lane]

I would add to what all4peace says: I do think you have a stake in your DH's health, mental health including, especially if it's disrupting the family. If he is having panic attacks because of this issue, he is not going to be the best partner he can be.

The question is, to what degree do you have standing to insist that he address it? Starting in a place of questions is great. "I see you are having these attacks, they are really hard on you and they are affecting me in XYZ ways. What can you do to address those things? How can I help?"

Asking him to go to therapy is fair, in my opinion. But you can't force him to go, even if you really think he would benefit. I asked my H to go to therapy before we got married in large part because of his PDxw. He resisted, we got married anyway, the issues kept flaring up, I begged him to go and finally he did. In retrospect it wouldn't have been nearly so successful if he hadn't gone when HE was ready. So my conclusion was that you insisting that he do a specific health treatment is beyond the boundaries of the partnership.

Ultimately it may be that you can't really help him as he goes through this, and you have to focus on how you can be happy while he deals with it in his own way. I suppose the question is where you draw the line - if he doesn't get these problems under control, or doesn't work with you on making the household a more peaceful place, what would you need in order to be happy anyway?

[NotFooled]

Ultimately it may be that you can't really help him as he goes through this, and you have to focus on how you can be happy while he deals with it in his own way. I suppose the question is where you draw the line - if he doesn't get these problems under control, or doesn't work with you on making the household a more peaceful place, what would you need in order to be happy anyway?

I felt for the past several months that our household was very peaceful since I was basically not discussing anything related to the inlaws issues.  But it didn't mean that my husband wasn't having to deal with it almost daily.  He just wasn't discussing it with me, because for the past couple of years things had become incredibly stressful having to deal with his family and then I was diagnosed with advanced stage cancer.  So this past year he's been keeping it bottled up. Now that my health is stable I think I need to encourage more discussion since he's been under so much stress.  I don't think he's wanting to see a professional and I'm not going to push but just suggest especially if he continues to have symptoms of panic attacks. 

[Maisey]

I don't have any suggestions on topic, as I have had to remove myself from being with inlaws, so that forced H to deal alone with them.

I do think, in regards to my H, that he doesn't see that what affects him in these negative ways affects all of us in the household. The long term health issues that he has developed is a concern to all of us.

I certainly don't want to hear another thing about my inlaws again, but I know my NC only blocks that small part of the problem, as H is still in minimal contact . I think it makes for an uncomfortable relationship as now H's involvement with MIL has become a dark, almost secret thing. Which is right up MIL's alley, anyway. I don't think for one minute MIL isn't stirring her cauldron 24/7.

I am trying to say, that my being NC has placed H almost perfectly in his FOO's family dysfunctional style. H forced to deal with them alone and "secretly" and that places him in constant turmoil.

M.

[NotFooled]

I am trying to say, that my being NC has placed H almost perfectly in his FOO's family dysfunctional style. H forced to deal with them alone and "secretly" and that places him in constant turmoil.

I'm not wanting H to deal with this alone.  OCPDMIL and uPDBIl are just too toxic and irresponsible.  and DH just feels responsible for everyone and everything.  I almost feel like I need to protect him from them, though I know that's not reasonable either.  But I can at least encourage him to hold his ground and support him when he has set clear boundaries.
  Fortunately right now I really don't have any emotional attachment related to the key issue going on in his families' life which is the sale of OCPDMIL's home and clearing out all her crap.   I keep telling DH this isn't a life or death situation and it's just stuff.   She may loose some money (which is stipulated in her sales contract) if she doesn't completely clear out her house.  But this is her, home her belongings, her responsibility and it's just money.

uPDBIL is planning on leaving town (I hope he leaves).  No surprise there,  the well has run dry and I think it just proves I was right about him all along,   Just not sure how he's going to make that happen since he's supposedly is broke.

After DH has tried to get OcPDMIL to take action on cleaning out her house, he was told by her,  she didn't want to discuss it.  Now she has gotten her siblings involved.   But DH and I are planning on not doing anything and not getting involved, which is what I am strongly encouraging.    I'm just hoping this doesn't turn into a flying monkey situation with other family members, because  DH and I don't need the stress.   

[Laurie]

You mentioned your DH has panic attacks.  I have a friend who used to have them, and they are treatable.  If you can get him to a therapist or medical doctor they can help him manage this.

A few things off the top of my head that might help him would be to google "belly breathing" for panic attacks and look into low dose magnesium supplements for anxiety.