A whirlwind of emotions

[Just Jay]

Hello. I'm putting this under the NC page because I think those of us with NC parents experience similar things.

I am married and we have a teenager. He has started high school. I'm thrilled with the man he is becoming, and look forward to seeing how he handles this chapter. I'm also extremely happy that we've been able to provide him a good home and opportunities.

On the other hand, this is triggering memories of what life was like for me as a teen. I don't need to go into all the details, but it was bad. Looking back at it, my brain literally screams in rage --- How could they not care how miserable and lonely I was? How could they let me live like an animal?

Then DS tells me something about school, like getting invited to a nice banquet because of an achievement. Or having plenty of friends in each class . I watch him walk out the door, excited to go, and notice that his outfit looks good and he had nice shoes. And I feel joy!

I'm not used to having a whirlwind of emotions. It's worn me out, to the point that I told DH that next week, I'm only going to do the things I have to do, and spend the rest on pampering myself. Maybe get a book and settle into a hammock. Maybe do a creative project or two. I tend to work too much, and it's time to take a break to treat myself.

I wonder if this is how people with bipolar or other disorders feel? Is that why they often describe themselves as having periods of exhaustion? If so, I certainly have a new level of appreciation for their struggles. It's physically hard to feel these extremes at the same time.

If anyone else wants to share, how do you get through a similar experience?

[Starboard Song]

For me, there's traumatic emotional fatigue,  like when I am uselessly on vigilant mode for days on end, and angry, and scared, and frustrated.  That type of emotional fatigue for me requires exercise and productivity. I need to remind my caveman soul what real stress was about: outrunning the saber-tooth tiger and not starving.

Then there's just the rich, full roller-coaster. It has lots of beauty, but at every peak, along with the great view, I remember how my in-laws won't be sharing in this. I think of the waste they made of their lives. And everything gets all tinged with fury and regret and sadness.

I think this is so much healthier. When our caveman souls bite into some meat, we remember the hunger. When we are with a mate, we remember loneliness.

I like to savor the exhaustion of the emotional roller-coaster. It is a rich panoply of feelings. It is honest and real. It has ups to balance the differences. So I really do reflect on what I have been feeling and sort of observe it, as you did in your post: "oh look! It was so beautiful for my son to do that. That reminded me of them. I am still being sad about that. Look at it all fitting together! But my son is here now. They were there, then. This is good. I've learned a lot."

I mean it.

You may be describing a darker sort of exhaustion. But maybe you can take some mindful time to simply experience and respect that rush of feelings that wore you out. Honor them and let them roll on.

Good luck to you, either way!

[all4peace]

I don't think it's bipolar. I think it's totally normal. For me, part of me was grieving and raging at what I had never had as a child, while another part of me was so proud and joyful over the childhood my kids were getting. I didn't resent my kids, but I did at times feel anger and sadness that my childhood had been so different. As I mothered my kids, different ages would trigger memories of me at that age, and I would just cry out inside to my parents "How could you?!?!" It's painful to see a toddler and realize what had happened to me at that stage, and then the middle school years, and the howling wilderness of my high school years, to know I cried myself to sleep every night while my kids went to bed with hugs and I love yous.

I love what your instincts are telling you to do! To mother yourself! And that's what I finally did, too. I did inner-child work and I started caring for myself. It has made a tremendous difference for me. I don't really have much anger or sadness anymore. Now it's more just a story that no longer has much impact on my present life.

I also wonder if some ages our kids grow through are especially hard for us because we had more neglect or trauma at those ages. Plus, the teen years are busy and chaotic, so most parents of teens are already tired to some extent!

So, I'd suggest crying it out, yelling it out, running it out, whatever works for you. And then doing those self-care things for the you who didn't get proper care in childhood. Hugs to you, mama

[Just Jay]

I like to savor the exhaustion of the emotional roller-coaster. It is a rich panoply of feelings. It is honest and real. It has ups to balance the differences. So I really do reflect on what I have been feeling and sort of observe it, as you did in your post: "oh look! It was so beautiful for my son to do that. That reminded me of them. I am still being sad about that. Look at it all fitting together! But my son is here now. They were there, then. This is good. I've learned a lot."

You may be describing a darker sort of exhaustion. But maybe you can take some mindful time to simply experience and respect that rush of feelings that wore you out. Honor them and let them roll on.

I LOVE this!! Thank you.  I closed my eyes and focused on the feelings for a while. Usually, if  do that, I feel rage or shame. This time, I started feeling more like watching a movie, with my little chosen family coming out triumphant. That's going to be very helpful to me, so thank you.

I love what your instincts are telling you to do! To mother yourself! And that's what I finally did, too. I did inner-child work and I started caring for myself. It has made a tremendous difference for me. I don't really have much anger or sadness anymore. Now it's more just a story that no longer has much impact on my present life.

....

So, I'd suggest crying it out, yelling it out, running it out, whatever works for you. And then doing those self-care things for the you who didn't get proper care in childhood. Hugs to you, mama

Thank you.  I think I'll get a day or maybe more to just go out hiking by myself. Haven't done that in so long! Solitude in nature does wonders for me, especially if it's several hours in a row.  I like to go without a plan, and follow whatever catches my eye. For whatever reason, I've never gotten lost.....for long. Haha.

Bless you all so much.

[Fiasco]

For people who had decent parents, the whole "you'll understand when you have kids" idea is a nice one. Those people may learn to have more patience and empathy with their parents.

When WE have our own kids we get ANGRY at our parents because we finally fully understand how much they just didn't even try. Just didn't care at all. This is totally justifiable in our cases and it's ok to be mad about it. I'm not jealous of my sweet kids, I just thank God I'm able to be a good (great?) parent and that my kids get the love and the effort from me that they deserve.

All mamas, and all humans who work hard and try hard, deserve and need self care. I'm glad you're taking time for yours 😊

[Just Jay]

Thank you, Fiasco.

I'm guessing you are a great parent. We don't have to be perfect, we only have to nurture, love, and protect.

About a year ago, DH was feeling insecure about himself as a father. I asked him if he wouldn't have loved to have a father like himself. A guy who works hard, comes home everyday, takes care of the house, asks everyone how they're doing, etc?

A light came into DH's eyes and I told him I'd chop off my legs if could go back and have and Dad like that. He's far from perfect, like I am also, but he's there and he cares.

[Fiasco]

Absolutely! I like your story about your DH picturing himself as his own dad. Hope you're feeling better today, but that you keep your plans for a lighter week too.