NMIL refusing to accept nc

[Spirit in the sky]

NMIL now writes weekly letters, which seems strange as we only live a mile away. But thankfully she hasn't come back to the house after the last outburst of screaming and swearing.

This one contains the usual self pity followed by insults and 'how could you', emotional blackmail, what if I die etc.
I know people say she will get over it, but honestly I don't think she ever will. I have written before about how I have made my peace with the situation and could accept vvlc. But hubby thinks if he gives in to this, she will start all over again and if he gives in once, she think she's won. I know it's not about winning, but it would be for her.

[SerenityCat]

You and your husband could decide to simply not read letters from your NMIL. You could put each unopened letter in the trash outside.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's good to hear you've made peace with it. I can't imagine living so close to my PD parents or in-laws... I have an even harder time imagining getting to a place of peace in that scenario.

I'm with SerenityCat... I think I'd stop reading the letters. I'd probably be curious at first, but eventually it would just get old. I know some people have mentioned keeping the letters as proof of the dysfunction (whether it be for legal reasons or just as a reminder to keep you from slipping back into the fog), so you could do that instead of tossing them.

And I think your husband is right. NC is about boundaries, and she isn't honoring those boundaries as it is. To loosen the boundaries and allow VLC at this point would send a very clear message: if you harass us long enough and hard enough, we will give in eventually.

If I were in your situation, the only way I'd consider VLC would be if she honored the NC first. Everyone has the right to say, "I need a break from this for a while. Please give me space and time." But you've asked for that, and she's refused to give it. I think she'd treat any VLC boundary the same way.

[Spirit in the sky]

You and your husband could decide to simply not read letters from your NMIL. You could put each unopened letter in the trash outside.

We have thought about it, but because she is so devious we always feel it's wiser to know her plans so we can be prepared. I certainly don't miss contact with her, and I believe neither does my hubby in his own way, but he's bound to feel some emotional connection.

In her letter she constantly talks about herself and her feelings and how this is affecting her. There was no genuine feeling of effection for her son, just how dare you disobey me, do you know who I am, type vibe. I didn't sense any remorse just blame and shame.

[Spirit in the sky]

It's good to hear you've made peace with it. I can't imagine living so close to my PD parents or in-laws... I have an even harder time imagining getting to a place of peace in that scenario.

I'm with SerenityCat... I think I'd stop reading the letters. I'd probably be curious at first, but eventually it would just get old. I know some people have mentioned keeping the letters as proof of the dysfunction (whether it be for legal reasons or just as a reminder to keep you from slipping back into the fog), so you could do that instead of tossing them.

And I think your husband is right. NC is about boundaries, and she isn't honoring those boundaries as it is. To loosen the boundaries and allow VLC at this point would send a very clear message: if you harass us long enough and hard enough, we will give in eventually.

If I were in your situation, the only way I'd consider VLC would be if she honored the NC first. Everyone has the right to say, "I need a break from this for a while. Please give me space and time." But you've asked for that, and she's refused to give it. I think she'd treat any VLC boundary the same way.

I think it's gone past any real chance of her accepting or honouring the nc. When I did speak to her and ask her to give him some space, she said she couldn't and wouldn't be doing it. She has this attitude that no one will defy her and go unpunished. She seems so obsessed now with getting him back in line that there's no reasoning.

I honestly can't see a way back, she has bullied and harassed him so much it seems impossible to build a relationship on mutual respect and genuine affection. She writes about how great a mother she has been in the past, and how he should be grateful and what sort of a person is he to do this to her. All I sense is anger and obviously she is hurt but if we have any contact at all it will be a lie. We would be giving in not because we want to, but because she refuses to accept or believe we don't want her in our lives.

And even with all that, I do feel sorry for her. Whatever damage or baggage she has is so deep rooted she can't see she is pushing him further and further away.The message we get is 'I will not be ignored' and the overriding feelingfor me is,  if we stop ignoring her we have rewarded her bad behaviour, and the whole thing has been a waste of time.

[SerenityCat]

You and your husband could decide to simply not read letters from your NMIL. You could put each unopened letter in the trash outside.

We have thought about it, but because she is so devious we always feel it's wiser to know her plans so we can be prepared. I certainly don't miss contact with her, and I believe neither does my hubby in his own way, but he's bound to feel some emotional connection.

In her letter she constantly talks about herself and her feelings and how this is affecting her. There was no genuine feeling of effection for her son, just how dare you disobey me, do you know who I am, type vibe. I didn't sense any remorse just blame and shame.

Another option would be to quickly look over each letter and then toss it.

Skim through, see if there are actual plans mentioned, ignore the rest. Does she regularly include actual plans in the letters?

You could cultivate some distance, act as if you both are scientists looking over possible evidence. 

Something to think about: do you want her to communicate this way? If you don't, a good option would be to ignore them entirely. You can refuse to participate.

You can still have general plans made: what to do if she shows up on your doorstep, what to do if you run across her at a grocery store etc.

My mother used to send poison letters, eventually I asked a friend to look them over for me. Rarely was anything important. Letters were then thrown away.

If I had to deal with such letters now, I'd either throw them away unopened, or open them right away outside and then discard. Maybe I'd even come up with an amusing song to sing to myself during the quick reading.  Anything to drain the possible heaviness of poison letters.

[Spirit in the sky]

We do just do a quick read through and then bin. I think my hubby takes pleasure in ripping them up and binning them. Really her words just seem to make him more determined to ignore her, they show her true colours and if he was feeling guilty (I don't think he is ) they remind him just how self obsessed and nasty she can be.

I think the hardest part for me is not being proactive, I'm a nature problem solver and in my head I keep trying to find a solution. I know doing nothing is the only way but it does get frustrating at times, but there is no reasoning with this type of person, I do know that. There's also a little bit of childhood conditioning kicking in when I feel I need to be the 'rescuer or fixer'. Which has previously been my role in the dysfunctional nightmare that is my in laws. My NMIL still sees me as the peacekeeper and can't understand why I won't continue in my role as she has commanded. 

[SerenityCat]

We do just do a quick read through and then bin. I think my hubby takes pleasure in ripping them up and binning them. Really her words just seem to make him more determined to ignore her, they show her true colours and if he was feeling guilty (I don't think he is ) they remind him just how self obsessed and nasty she can be.

I think the hardest part for me is not being proactive, I'm a nature problem solver and in my head I keep trying to find a solution. I know doing nothing is the only way but it does get frustrating at times, but there is no reasoning with this type of person, I do know that. There's also a little bit of childhood conditioning kicking in when I feel I need to be the 'rescuer or fixer'. Which has previously been my role in the dysfunctional nightmare that is my in laws. My NMIL still sees me as the peacekeeper and can't understand why I won't continue in my role as she has commanded.

In your shoes I'd likely be feeling the same way .

You have great self insight in this situation. I think you have the puzzle pieces, including excellent knowledge of yourself - you are doing great!

Does "keep trying to find a solution" end up being ruminating? Are you working on this over and over in your mind?

If so, you might want to apply some healthy distraction skills. Give your mind new input to mull over.

You may need to create your own conclusion to this cycle. You know you can't wait for your NMIL to stop, accept, or resolve anything. So you can step out of the drama. Announce your own ending to this chapter and write something new for your life.

There might be a way to do this while telling yourself that this itself is proactive. This is a way to solve the problem and even to be a peacekeeper. You'd be creating and keeping your own peace, with yourself and your husband. You'd be solving the problem, which ultimately is the problem you yourself have with the situation.

NMIL is gonna do NMIL. You can find ways to step out of that drama altogether.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think the hardest part for me is not being proactive, I'm a nature problem solver and in my head I keep trying to find a solution. I know doing nothing is the only way but it does get frustrating at times, but there is no reasoning with this type of person, I do know that. There's also a little bit of childhood conditioning kicking in when I feel I need to be the 'rescuer or fixer'. Which has previously been my role in the dysfunctional nightmare that is my in laws. My NMIL still sees me as the peacekeeper and can't understand why I won't continue in my role as she has commanded.

I totally understand all of this. One of the most frustrating parts of coming Out of the FOG for me is feeling like I've gained all of this insight and knowledge, and yet there seems to be little I can do with it. Of course, that's not really true. I've made so many changes for myself with what I've learned, but that still doesn't change the original dysfunctional relationship. That can be very discouraging, for sure. Kicking that urge to be the peacekeeper is tough, so kudos for staying strong.