Still trying to find my voice

[DaisyGirl77]

I'm not sure where this is going, but I need to write this out.

Twice now, playing game night with a group of friends (5 adults, including me, 2 children, 13 & 11) the kids have gotten extremely rowdy while others were trying to explain something to me.  Shoving pictures in my face, yelling out the answer, loudly asking their sibling/parent(s) something, & generally being really raucous & rude.  My senses were literally overwhelmed by all of this, I got panicky, & I just shut down.  Both times it got too much for me & I yelled, "ALRIGHT!!!" just for a moment's peace & quiet.  But I don't want to reach that point where I'm literally at a loss for words & all I can do is yell...something...in order for it to stop.  I don't know how to put it into words, except liken it to autistic people when they get overwhelmed?  I dunno.  How do I put it into words to allow me to phrase things nicely, in a way that nips things in the bud, & the children realize that letting someone else have the floor when explaining something to someone else & NOT interrupting is the best thing you can do?

I'm also still trying to find my voice in other ways:  Standing up for myself when I'm being treated like crap, especially at work, when I have more riding on how I behave than I do elsewhere.  My default is to freeze.  Sometimes I swing wildly both ways & I can't find the happy medium where I'm treated with respect AND the burden of action isn't laid at my feet 100% of the time when _THING_ came up through no fault of my own nor was it related to my job.  I *still* take the path of least resistance &, dammit, sometimes I don't want to, & I don't see the sense in doing it.  I keep my head down & I do my job, so make others do their own job instead of passing their unwanted shit onto me & others just because it's the least amount of effort to do.

& just today I made a post in my town's Buy Nothing group (it's great; check it out--it's also a global movement) giving away some tchotchkes & specified that it was a pickup only thing--no dropoffs would be done, & things had to be picked up today.  Half of the giftees asked if I could "meet [them] halfway" or "I don't have a ride; can I pick up _this day_?".  & some just thanked me publicly for being selected & never got back to me to make arrangements.  These are grown adults here; not children, & I'm not going to chase people down in order for them to get their things.  So I have this crap I'm sitting on that I can't get out of my house because people fucking flaked.

*sigh*  Sorry.  I'm just really frustrated here.  I don't know where I'm going with this, just that I'm burned out, I guess.

Oh!  AND I found myself asking permission from a maintenance guy to take out my trash because he'd caught me on my way there to discuss something related to my apartment.   I'm a grown-ass adult!  WHY am I asking others permission to finish doing something like I'm a child?!

[athene1399]

I'm working on some of this too. I try to state my needs before the angry outburst happens (because it will). Or when I start getting agitated I try to say something like "it hurts my head when you all yell at once." or make up an excuse for me to leave the room for a bit. Or you can try saying what you need before you play the game, like "let's try only having one person talk so we aren't yelling over each other. I get uncomfortable when people yell."

I've definitely been doing the boundaries at work. In the past I took on so much work I was overwhelmed. Now if someone needs help I explain how to do it, and they can chose to do it or not do it. It's not really my problem. I think people used to know that if they said they didn't know how to do something I would just do it for them. Now I tell them (multiple times) how to do it, or tell them who to ask if they need help. I've noticed so many places will keep giving the responsible employee more and more work and expect nothing from those who slack off. It's so stupid. So I started saying no to things. "Sorry, I really don't have time to do that" unless someone's on vacation or something weird comes up, I try to push back. My place of employment has a history of splitting up tasks when someone quits instead of hiring a replacement. After the third person quit, I started saying I don't have time to do more. Also, I don't want to be punished for not taking a thousand smoke breaks or not wasting time chit-chatting. I get stuff done because I work. I'm not going to do more stuff becasue others aren't as productive. So I slowed down my pace a bit too. But maybe I'm being a jerk. Sometimes I don't know if I'm pushing back too much. But in the past I hardly had time to take a lunch. I don't want to be like that again. 

[SandorS@DEyes]

I know its frustrating when you catch these behaviors but its a big deal that you're aware enough to even recognize them; that's the first stept in dealing with it.  I filed for divorce from my uOCPDw and moved back in with Mom and Dad.  Unfortunately my sister also lives there and she is definitely BPD or maybe a Narc.  Either way she has similar outburts and controlling behaviors as my stbx has, but we have a good relationship and her behavior is always directed at my parents.  But when she blows up on them I literally feel my body tense, my brain goes a little foggy- its the same reaction I have acquired from years of emotional abuse from someone else.  For me a huge part of this process has been experiencing my feelings rather than shoving them away.  So, in the moment its happening, I acknowledge those feelings and decide if what I'm feeling is a legitimate event that requires action or if its something I can just experience and let go.  In some instances, like when my sister is exploding on my mom, I have to tell myself "You are ok, you are safe" as I remove myself from the area.  I have to consciously respond with love and paitence to MYSELF, because we cannot control anyone else.  Like I said, just having the awareness that you're experiencing those behaviors is a great gift and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.  No one just suddenly acquires well-maintained boundaries and healthy behaviors, and some days are better than others. 

[DaisyGirl77]

Thanks, Athene.  I'd love to be able to say no, but my office is a smallish one & we're big on teamwork.  It's frustrating because there's one person who plays dumb when she doesn't want to do something that's her job & then throws other people under the bus because they didn't do _thing_ that wasn't their responsibility in the first place.  & our boss, who's very nice, don't get me wrong, just lets it slide.  Another girl sees numbers & adds it to the pile to be done instead of actually reading the paper & deciding whether it's an invoice or if they're just essentially saying, "Your payment is on its way" & throws her hands up in the air & says she doesn't know & refuses to take it back in order to call the company & find out.  It's YOUR JOB to do this.

My job is also deadline-oriented as well.  We work flat out everyday to have everything in for close of the month.  We have to; we get so many papers it's insane.  But I've made it a point to carve out time for my lunch--I'm technically a parttimer & I don't want to be working through my lunch all the time like I did with my last job.

I'm not sure how to handle this though.  Sometimes I literally can't remove myself without causing a huger scene, & I'd rather not have that happen.  It's game night with a close group of friends, & we all sit around a table to play.  99% of the time I'm sandwiched between a wall or a couch & people on either side of me.

How do you take your power & OWN your power?

[notrightinthehead]

I take it, these are not your kids but they try to explain something to you in a way that bothers you? All of that in front of an audience that also explains something to you? Information overload when it should be fun? (just making sure, I understand what you are saying)
The way I respond in a situation like this: I hold up both hands, palms facing outwards, and say "wouw, wouw, wouw! Slowly!" Usually people look at me perplexed then. And I have a chance to turn to the one person I trust to be logical and clear and I ask ' so how does this go?'. Then the focus is on her/him, the rowdy crowd will listen to that person, correct that person, try to outshine that person, and I can fade back into the comfortable side line and learn what I need to learn.