A-gender reveal party NPDm

Started by Aingeal, August 18, 2019, 08:40:35 PM

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Aingeal

I think we should really have these Agender reveals for the Narcs in our lives.  A party to be thrown when we FINALLY realize what they are up to.  Ya know, if you wait out a narc long enough they can't help but tip you off on what they really want from you.  It's not that I'm immune to NPDmom's manipulation etc., it was just that I was so worn out, sooooo tired from it all that I just didn't care anymore.  I was numb from the shear exhaustion of her shenanigans.  I grey rocked without trying, if that makes any sense.

NPDm wants me to move back in to my childhood home.... which I did once on the promise that I would inherit the house.....   I believed her and it was the WORST thing I ever did.  Living with NPDm was a fate worse than death.  She blared religious music at 3am, (when I had to wake up for work at 5am) she started arguments, she gaslighted..... the list goes on.  Then she moved out into independent senior living and tried to have me pay for the entire house (bills, taxes - you name it) which I did not own.  I paid rent to live there and some utilities (plus kept the yard mowed during the summer - snow shoveled myself during the winter).

NPDm wants me to move back home..  No thanks.  I'm good.  She'll REALLY give me the house this time.  Nope.  I like renting.  No mowing.... no shoveling.  Thanks anyway.  NPDmom tells me that she'll even help out as much as she can if I move back as long as she's at her senior living apartment. (ummm... "as long as"??!! huh??)  Wellllll, NPDmom told me SHE might need to move back into the old house.  So, totally confused I ask why (thinking it's financial).  Also before I moved out she told me she was selling the ol' homestead and had a line of buyers waiting to grab it.... tried to FORCE me to buy it...... so now I'm beyond confused.  :stars:

NPDm tells me that she may need to move back into the old house if she's ever infirm.  Huh? "In case I have to go to a nursing home.  I'm NEVER going into a nursing home, I'll just move back home".

Light just dawned on Marblehead me. YIKES!!   :aaauuugh:  Soooo THAT"S what she was up to this entire time. :doh:
  I just couldn't figure it out.  She wants me to take care of her and give up my sanity, my life and not too mention all the progress I think I've made by coming to this site and watching videos on NPD.

I feel like an idiot but..... at least I'm a free idiot.  GC brother can step up to the plate now.  I'm planning to live the rest of my life with some peace in it. 

I don't mean for this to sound like a rant, I'm just completely gobsmacked that for all of this time my NPDm was using me as her scapegoat servant, she had bigger and better plans to make me her live in nurse til death do us part!  :sadno:

oooh, did I already say.... No thanks.

SerenityCat

You did great figuring this out!

Your experience and healthy choice is inspiring.

WomanInterrupted

I'm so glad you worked out that you're her Old Age Golden Parachute Plan, and avoided her hellish TRAP!    :yahoo: :righton: :boogie: :chestbump: :groovey: :drinks:

I'd just keep sticking to you like renting - you don't have to shovel or mow the lawn, and you have a building super to see to repairs. 

If she *really* won't drop it, and starts driving you crazy, to the point you're considering NC, I'd tell her point-blank, "Look...I am NOT moving back there and being your CAREGIVER under any circumstance, you can just stop now.  I don't want to hear any more about it.  It's NOT going to happen and this is no longer a discussion."  :ninja:

Sometimes you have to be *firm* - but once they get it in their heads how  that's going to go, nothing will shake that idea.  :sharkbait:

I'd been significantly lowering contact with unBPD  Didi, and refused to visit either at home or when she was in the hospital, because she expected me to be her *slave.*  :roll:

But...she wanted more than that.  My cousin, who is a carpenter, added a room to her house to care for her sick mother, whom she *loved.*

Didi expected the same treatment - including a hospital bed in our living room, which was just not gonna happen.

The sad little Waif called over the Christmas break DH has, while we were  working on the house.  I made the mistake of telling her we were painting the living room  and she said, "You don't have to do that for meeeeee..."   :dramaqueen:

I said, "We're not.  We're doing it for us."

She asked, in a weak, near-death voice, "Where are you going to put your furniture?"   :dramaqueen:

I said, "Right back where it was, once the paint is dry."

The sad, sick, weak Waif mustered up enough strength to slam the phone down in my ear.   :wacko:

It was only an hour or so later that my brain allowed me to access the thought, "She thought she was FINALLY getting her hospital bed."  :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

Didi was hospitalized again later that afternoon - and no, I didn't go, nor did I go for any of her "performances."  :ninja:

She was persistent, right up to the very end - and I'm  sure your mom will be no different, so be *prepared* to keep stating that you like renting, or just shoot her down, point-blank.

It probably won't stop her, but you might get a nice 2-week or month long  Silent Treat.  8-)

:hug:

Andeza

Well, uBPDM isn't a narc, but she definitely had/has this same endgame. I remember when I was little she used to make me go on the church visits to the nursing home, then talk about how sad it is that all those old people were stuck there without their families to take care of them. How lonely it must be. How much easier it would be to just die rather than end up in a nursing home. :aaauuugh: And I would never let her waste away in some godforsaken nursing home would I? I was like seven, I don't know, it was a long time ago, so of course I promised I wouldn't. THAT is going to come back to haunt me, but the guilt trip ain't gonna work.

She's already ramping up a bit, pulling the same "I wish I had somebody around here to do x" as WI's Didi. I'm over 1600 miles away, likely to be even farther in two or three years, so that's a no go. It'd be a no go anyway though. I'm not sticking my fingers into that feeding frenzy.

She also whines and complains that she doesn't have anybody, and nobody cares, and she's lonely. Her sister lives with her for pity's sake! Let the two crazy divorcees look out for each other I say.

Point is I'm staying out of the mess she's creating. Unfortunately her family is currently compensating for her deficits.  :sadno:
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

Aingeal


Thank God I never bought that house!!  I was wondering why the price kept going down (just for me) when she claimed there were a line of buyers just waiting to jump on it.   But my NPDm wanted me to have a chance at buying the house (a.k.a. my former inheritance). She even wanted to get the loan at the bank for me (as in pretend she WAS me to get the loan - I stopped that in it's tracks).   I'm guessing it was a lot cheaper than long term care in a nursing home with a private nurse scapegoat on duty .... THAT'S why it was sooooo cheap.   :doh:

She switches between raging and pouting because I won't bite.  NPDm was always on the quiet waify side .... until she wants something or wants you to do something then she's up your nose (to put it politely) 24/7 trying to wear you down.

Serenity Cat - Thanks for the confidence boost - I always feel like I'm such an easy mark for NPDmom and her manipulations and antics.... but I didn't budge on this one.  I'm ALWAYS second guessing myself with her.

Thanks Woman Interrupted   Didi and my NPDmom seem to have a lot in common.  I never realized that she was looking at me as her golden parachute    In fact, she actually said she liked the idea of a nursing home - they do everything for you (okay, even I admit that sounds ridiculous now when I say it out loud ..... she was setting me up wasn't she?). 

When my late father was put in a nursing home after his stroke my mother wasn't very kind to him.  She disappeared after 10 minutes into the visit - got herself coffee, a snack and watched their cable tv in their recreation room (they had more channels - and better channels -  than our package at home).   She got really comfy there, curling up on the rec room couch and falling asleep with the clicker/tv remote tucked under her so no "resident" could change the channel on her.  The nurses thought a resident had died one time when they saw NPDm lying on the floor in between yoga poses. 

NPDm told us kids that she visited Dad for 4 hours .......  only 10 minutes in reality..... once a week.   Never on holidays after the first year - Mother told some new friends that she was a widow and from then on she had standing invitations at their holiday dinners.  The list is too long to write here about all of the rotten things she did to the old man when he was in the nursing home.  Maybe she's afraid of karma too....

I HOPE I HOPE there will be a silent treat after this (crossing fingers..... AND toes)  Seriously, I am thisclose to NC.


Thanks Andeza, your story resonates with me - sooo many similarities with NPDmom.  I'm sorry that you went through that :(  My mother would brainwash us with the "you're going to take care of me in my old age" (she never mentioned taking care of Dad too, come to think of it).  "It's always the daughter that ends up taking care of the mother".   I would remind her it was the oldest daughter not the youngest daughter that took care of the mother in her old age.  That was quite mean of me because sister and mother were exactly alike and sis HATED my mother. 

I hope my next move is hundreds if not thousands of miles away from her.  You're right about keeping your fingers out of the feeding frenzy.  I'm trying to distance myself with VVVLC right now but I see NC on the horizon  :(


Thanks again everyone  :)