PD mother moving close to me

[Lillith65]

Thanks Orangeblossom.

She will have to move fairly soon anyway (part of the ridiculousness of her decision) as the money will run out and the DSS will not pay rent on a large, three bedroomed house for a single woman.

Part of my fury is the sense of being manipulated into being the main carer - no discussion, no openness, just relying in FOG.

Well done for staying strong with your PD/EN F! We can do this! 💪🏻

[Orangeblossom77]

There will be more suitable accommodation available, to downsize to, doesn't mean she has to move to you...yes I know what you mean. I also had my UPD mum (separated from dad) also separately want to move to me as well! I'm now NC with both of them (and still nervous about the idea of it. Here in the UK they can apply for council housing close to relatives- a 'family connection' if they are poor and in need of state support. So they know this and use it. I even called the council to try and prevent it. Sigh. I hope at least now thy might have the message I'm not caring for them if they do move so that will be enough to put them off. Kind thoughts.

[Lillith65]

Kind thoughts to you too.
I think about the situation everyday, but know that I have to be NC for own health and sanity. My FOO have no interest or understanding of my needs so I have to protect myself - it is difficult though.
I also find it hard listening to friends talking about their elderly parents - who can be challenging, but are not PD - I stay quiet during those discussions although they do know my circumstances. What about you?

[Orangeblossom77]

Yes, I find that also. I'm getting to the age where friends have parents getting sick or older - one died, their mum and it is hard to try and empathise when not in the same place. I think you are also in the UK, well your mum should be able to get over 55s housing if she wants to. It doesn't need to be near family I think could be near to where she stays already. My mum refuses though and stays in her cottage paid for by DSS in the middle of nowhere. 

[Lillith65]

Yes, there are lots of options for my mother but she is obsessed with having a three bedroomed house. Completely fixated which is causing her lots of problems.

I've been sad over the last few days and wishing things could be different.

How are you?

[Orangeblossom77]

I'm not too bad, back on my antidepressants again which help a little. Struggling with FOG a bit. It's hard as my uPD mum stays away in this cottage (a bit like yours, I think, has 3 beds and refuses to move somewhere smaller) and it's in the middle of no-where. Seems to see no-one and go nowhere. Then my en Dad (divorced) sends messages about her not being able to shop etc.

I sent her (anonymously) some info from nearby (to her) sheltered housing. Then my dad said she was looking at somewhere near him (yes, I thought!) and then, said she is thinking of moving to some random village miles away as it is 'by the sea'  As long as it isn't here, I thought.

A few years back she applied to stay in this place in my town which is a kind of religious refuge for 'older women of limited means'. I don;t think they accepted her application though. She only told me of it after applying. I know, she (and my dad, separately) got on the housing list / leaflet service of my local council too. It's all a bit worrying.

I'm finding my ignoring them it seems to be making them look elsewhere. Or well at least not bothering me as much. I hope this are going OK with you as well.

[Lillith65]

Things are going OK because I am no contact. Still FOGgy though.

It's a strange feeing. I also feel that if I were to contact them (my UPDS and UPDM) it would reinforce that I am in the wrong and would be expected to apologise and 'make it up'. My family blame everything on me amd I just want to keep away from it all.

[practical]

Things are going OK because I am no contact. Still FOGgy though.

It's a strange feeing. I also feel that if I were to contact them (my UPDS and UPDM) it would reinforce that I am in the wrong and would be expected to apologise and 'make it up'. My family blame everything on me amd I just want to keep away from it all.

I totally get that, F would see me reaching out as something I owed him because I screwed up and also confirm that he is tougher, has an iron mind. Really sad . Staying away ends up being the best choice. I also find that the FOG is less now than before, or at least that my life is calmer - I might have FOGgy days but they are drama free at least and that is a lot.

[Lillith65]

I totally get that, F would see me reaching out as something I owed him because I screwed up and also confirm that he is tougher, has an iron mind. Really sad.  Staying away ends up being the best choice. I also find that the FOG is less now than before, or at least that my life is calmer - I might have FOGgy days but they are drama free at least and that is a lot.

Drama free means such a lot after decades of crises and upsets which were almost entirely generated by them.

The foggy moments occur most often when I hear about other peoples' families or think about what society expects.

It's just so sad. In this last year I have lost so much, (moved house three times, made redundant from my 17 year teaching post, lost my home, broke up with a man I thought was the love of my life (another abuser), my UNPDF died). 

I am no longer being abused though - so that is a big gain. Recovery feels a very long way off though.

[Orangeblossom77]

I get it, I also get more guilt in particular when others say about their parents etc especially since the NC...and as they get older as well. I've even been avoiding some old friends because of it. It's not easy.

[Lillith65]

I get it, I also get more guilt in particular when others say about their parents etc especially since the NC...and as they get older as well. I've even been avoiding some old friends because of it. It's not easy.

I become the 'silent woman' when my friends start talking about their elderly parents. I am sensitive around one in particular because her father was physically abusive (one of her sisters is NC) and she chooses to care for him. Occasionally she has talked about her sister and how she does not understand why she is NC. I have shared my perspective then and explained how siblings can have a very different experience of a parent. I also think she is enmeshed and codepedent (as I was)  and that helps me to deal with it.

I wonder how many people are in this position but don't share it?

[Lillith65]

I hope that no-one minds me resurrecting my 'old' thread. It helps to post and to try and get stuff out of my head.

I've been feeling guilty and sad recently. The image of my mother as a sad little old lady who is intensely lonely keeps coming into my mind.

I'm starting to think that maybe things weren't that bad and may be I could handle the craziness of my mother and sister with stronger boundaries. Maybe they would treat me better after this period of NC?

And then I remember all of the years of lying, manipulation and outright abuse. All the years of denying my own needs to look after myself and treating me as someone at their beck and call with no right to any feelings or preferences of my own.

And then I swing back to thinking about the good times with my mother and wishing that we could have a genuine, sincere reconciliation before she dies.

Then I recall that my feelings are strongly influenced by the FOG and feel sad that I can't have a loving, open and mutually respectful relationship with either my mother or my sister.

This is so hard. Especially on top of other experiences that I have had in the last couple of years. I no longer feel quite as devastated,  but that feeling is not far off.

Perhaps this should be in my journal and not on here, but I am so tired of having a dialogue of one.

Anyway, to anyone who has read this. Thank you.

[SunnyMeadow]

I don't mind at all Lillith! Type away, it helps me to read the experiences of others. Our experiences are so similar and I get strength and ideas from what others share here.

I just replied about me breaking NC on the Going NC with a PD parent forum, look for the topic "How do you cope" by sidney. I felt the EXACT same way as you, my poor little mother, sad and distraught. I broke NC due to the guilt. I thought she was at home crying, come to find out she's going out with acquaintances in her retirement community, bitterly complaining about them, stalking family on social media and more. You know the same old bad behavior towards others as always. I mean deep down, I didn't figure she'd change completely but I had hoped she'd take this drastic step as a wake up call for her behavior. Uh yeah right 

I am feeling the same thing as you are. Please keep sharing.

[Spring Butterfly]

I've been feeling guilty and sad recently. The image of my mother as a sad little old lady who is intensely lonely keeps coming into my mind.

just remember that picture is in your own mind. It's a version of what may or may not be reality. It is not real. If it resembles any part of what maybe this person's reality it is only because that is what they created and made of their life and has nothing to do with whether or not you are in it or not.

Maybe they would treat me better after this period of NC?

in my experience the reason for this is because we have changed, we have distanced ourselves from the trauma experienced on a sometimes daily basis. For that reason we think things in general have changed when in reality nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that we are not subjecting ourselves to abuse on a constant daily basis so we tend to forget what it would be like if we were exposed to the same people on a daily basis or more frequent basis.

Henerally my experience and reading hear others experience is that whenever we have contact there will be damage. Somewhere in a book I read we need to know we are dealing with a brutal set of conditions, prepare for and make time for healing after.

Even if an encounter or contact situation goes well we're on high alert, in constant flight mode, anticipating a sudden shift and an abusive eruption so the cortisol is streaming and the body is ready for the entire time even if the abusive person is on good behavior.