How do I best parent my unborn child?

[AwaywiththeFairies]

Hi,

A bit of background. My father died when I was young, my much-older sister a teenager. My mother never had another relationship. My sister left for university a couple of years later (and my relationship with her disintegrated to nothing a year later, but that's another story), leaving me with my mother, which meant we became very enmeshed. I could fill the server writing about everything, but some bullet-points:

- was not allowed to stay in my room. If I was upstairs for more than five minutes she would yell upstairs asking where I was and if I was, with the unspoken command being that I came downstairs to the lounge to watch tv with her.

- no privacy - if I was in my room getting changed she'd just walk in, same if I was in the shower. There was no lock on the bathroom door. There was a sink in the room next door (so she could wash her hands after using the toilet without coming into the bathroom, but she'd come in anyway. There was a clear shower screen, so she'd comment on how fat I was at the same time. If I dared grab a towel to cover myself she'd complain.

- when I got my first mobile at 20 she loved seeing the flying envelope come onto the screen when I got a sms. But then she'd expect to know who it was from and what it said. Me pointing out it could be private did not go down well.

- I HAD to go to church each Sunday I was there. I had to turn down a job when I was 22 because it would have included working on a Sunday, and 'You can't do that, you have to go to church!'. I think I was 25 when I managed to stop going.

- Anything I say or do which is contrary to what she would say or do gets ignored. As I booked in to a hospital one day I replied 'Atheist' to the question of religion. She turned to me and berated me in front of a packed waiting room, telling me I was Christian. I was in my 20s. Anything I do which goes against what she would do she believes I only do to hurt her. The fact I might want to do it isn't a possibility.

I could go on.

I'm not so enmeshed as I was. She is, however, which makes for an interesting dynamic.

I'm currently pregnant. And it suddenly worried me this morning that the same thing may happen with my child. How do I know how to parent in a non-enmeshed way? I don't. So how do I guarantee that this doesn't happen? Can anyone point me in the direction of resources that would help, please?

Thanks

[Drawing_boundaries]

Welcome AwaywiththeFairies,
Congratulations for taking the first step in stopping the cycle of abuse - that is acknowledging it exists. I faced some big fears around my FOO & PD when I was pregnant. There are specialist therapists that deal with the fears brought up in pregnancy and the early parenting years that you might like to seek out. If that isn't possible there are plenty of parents on here with lots of collective experience to help you out.

For me pregnancy was the moment when I first saw my FOO dysfunction. I started drawing boundaries around behaviours and expectations in my life it was hard but i was determined my child wasn't going to be suckered into their dysfunction. The fact that you are already reflective on your parenting style means you are going to be conscious not to repeat your mother/daughter relationship with your own child.

p.s congratulations on being pregnant 

[Penny Lane]

Hi AwaywiththeFairies,
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on the pregnancy!

You are doing a very hard and very great thing, to work on yourself before your child is even born! This kid is lucky to have you.

Generally, I strongly believe that the healthier the adult the better parent they will be. The more work you do on your own boundaries and healing, the better off your child will be.

Specifically, I would say, really work on that enmeshment. There will be a point where your mom is going to want you to pick her over your child. And your child will need you to choose them. This could be a very specific scenario (your mom wants to do something with the baby that is dangerous "because that's what I did and you turned out fine") or more general enmeshing, this time with the grandchild. I hope you will be able to stand up to her and set very serious and firm boundaries. It sounds like you're well on your way there! The toolbox at the top has some strategies that might help.

I would also read about attachment theory - it says that kids need you to both be nurturing and to let them explore the world. I think that really helps frame kids' independence (whether it's a baby crawling away from you or a teen wanting to go to sleepaway camp) as a normal, positive thing.

A book I really like is Parenting with Love and Logic. It gives a framework for teaching kids to make their own choices and be independent with a lot of specific examples.

I know there are others in your situation on the forums so I hope they'll come in to post here or maybe you can find them on the dealing with PD parents board.

Good luck! This is a very big time and like I said I'm really impressed that you're doing this now, before the baby is even born! I think you will be a great mom.

[Hazy111]

"How not to F**K them up" - Oliver James

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

Penny Lane pretty much summed up my thoughts on your question. Your mother does not appear to understand boundaries and from that, her beliefs about parenting are skewed. I won't be surprised if she challenges you on what you do to nurture your baby.

Because a secure attachment requires a parent who can allow their child to develop, both physically and emotionally. Enmeshment interrupts the normal development a baby and child should do. You know this better than most, and you can definitely nurture your baby without continuing the enmeshment stuff.

Enmeshment creates a lot of confusion especially for you, the recipient of her parenting style. Your boundaries were not respected, by someone who likely insisted this is what loving parenting looks like. Which you know led to you feeling controlled and stifled at times.

Your baby will need comfort and safety and as Penny Lane suggested, reading up on attachment parenting can help you to understand how different nurturing is from enmeshment. Communities such as this one can help you as you develop as a parent. You and your baby will have a unique bond and it is fabulous that you are thinking about this before baby arrives!

A big part of you knows how it feels to parent without enmeshment because you are writing about this with awareness of that it needs to change. You've had to parent yourself at times.

As you continue to reflect on this, let us know if we can help. Many people here, myself included, had to learn to break the cycle of the way we were parented. 

Respecting the emotions your baby and child is expressing is the key to secure attachment. As they get older, we must model emotional regulation for them so that they learn that their anger, happiness, sadness, etc are undersood, respected and validated. Around age 3 is when we typically start teaching them how to understand their own emotions. The first 2 years as a parent are about being responsive to their cues (their different cries, the signs that they are tired or hungry and the signs they are calm and contented).

You will learn to parent your child the way a dancer learns a new dance, with practice and patience for yourself. Your baby is a unique beautiful human that you are getting to know more about each day. 😃

[AwaywiththeFairies]

Thank you so much, everyone.

You have given me hope that I can do this. I will definitely be looking into those books recommendations.

One helpful thing is that I don't live anywhere near my mother, and she finds it difficult to come and visit me, so it's not like she'll be randomly popping in, nor will she be able to interfere too much in what I'm doing.

I've also decided it's good that a) I'm excited to see what random clothes choices my child comes up with as soon as they are able to have opinions on such matters (I'm sure my mother was choosing what I'd wear each day up until I was a teen!) and b) that I'm looking forward to 'finally' having a Christmas by myself again in about 25 years time (not that I want to drive my child away but I hope they'll want to do their own thing at some point and I do like being by myself, rather than my mother who thinks I should be with her every year).

But thank you once again, I appreciate all the replies, and will be back!

[Fortuna]

I started parenting before I was really Out of the FOG but having children helped me get there because it made me look at how I was parented and what I wanted for my kids. There's was a a lot of things I didn't like about how my parents did things and made sure to change those things. I set boundaries for my behavior as a parent so I can respond in a better way to solve the problem, lighten the mood, and make a better decision than my parents did.
Look at how you were raised and ask yourself how you think you should have been raised. You can spot some things pretty quick to make into family boundaries of what you will or won't allow, other things that you may need to work on at a more personal level. For you, making sure your kids have a sense of privacy might be very important.
As you learn how to navigate your mothers behavior you find new things to add to your parenting list too. (Which if you have an ongoing relationship with your mother, you are going to have to figure out the access you will allow her to your child if any. My current situation is some video chats and 1 visit a year that never involves them never being alone with her. You will need to establish boundaries with future grandma early to see if she will abide by them or not.)
Read as many parenting books you can get your hands one, take what works for you.
Best of luck. See you on the boards.