Up The Staircase and Around The Corner

[LauraPW]

There was a room that could have meant safety, but didn't, and yet to traverse the house meant crossing the minefields day in and day out, and so she stayed in the room with two of the curtains drawn and pretended that she could save the world even when she couldn't save herself.

And if it sounds poetic, I guess it is, since that seems to be the easiest way to tell my story, is to just write a story.

I'm just a kid (Or not, really) with a parent who has a personality disorder. And over time, I've been rubber banded around so much that I've gotten it mixed up into my head that I'm the one who needs fixing, if I could just go back to when I had their favor and was the perfect daughter, things might be ok again. Logically, they won't. Sadly, neither of my mental illnesses agree.

And it may well be my other parent's problem to deal with, given that they are the ones who are married, but what do I do? I'm the oldest, but I've got younger siblings, and I can't be sure how things will go without me around, and yet the more time I spend in this environment, the less I do to help myself first- Like I said, saving the world before myself. I'm trapped by my natural desires, I've already seen this ruin my first go at college and a relationship for me, but my brain always goes back to the thought that if I just went back to being the perfect child, things might be ok again.

That's me. I go by Laura P. online. Sometimes, if the mood strikes me, I might go by Ruby H.

Nice to meet you all.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. There are great resources and strategies at the drop down menus above and supportive conversations taking place on the boards. One very foundational truth I had to understand when I first began my own journey Out of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt of the relationships with undiagnosed PD parents was that I couldn't truly help anyone if I was not my best self.

Putting on your own oxygen mask first means determining what needs to be done for you that will allow for healing, recovery, and growth in your own life.

Another helpful mantra found here at Out of the FOG is: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't change it." The only thing we can cure, change, control is ourselves.

I hope you find this community as much of a help as I have. See you out there on the boards!

[Fortuna]

but my brain always goes back to the thought that if I just went back to being the perfect child, things might be ok again.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I struggled with this. For a long time I kept trying to do whatever my mom wanted before I realized that if I did the thing she wanted today, then she'd want twice that tomorrow and more the next day. If I visited I didn't visit enough. If I called I didn't call her enough (usually said while visiting/on the phone) Everything I did that wasn't about her she considered a personal slight. All the advice I took changes as soon as I did it so it wasn't the right thing to do. Trying to do the things that make you 'the perfect daughter' is next to impossible.

This takes a long time to understand that if they have a PD, the cause and effect are not the same as a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship if you are kind and do your best you can still disagree about things and have your own opinions and do your own thing with your life without being treated badly. So if there is a argument it is a specific cause that can be rectified with specific action. For example flaking on an event means you have to apologize and make sure to be on time for for future events or call if you can't make it.
But when you deal with a PD relationship there isn't the acknowledgement of your own opinions and life choices are valid. So telling them that no you cannot make an event is construed not as you making a choice but as flaking out. Now either you have to either feed into the disorder and apologize and go to whatever they say no matter how impossible it is, or you need shiny up a spine and let them know you are going only to this event and not the others, and that you had discussed not going to the other event before and did not flake.
You choosing your own life shouldn't mean you are a bad daughter. That's the disorder talking. With younger siblings, let them know you are there for them to talk to, vent, strategize coping mechanisms, or call CPS if needed, but you can't get them out of danger from this disorder without getting yourself out too. Get yourself on solid footing.