Hoovering is over already!

[Peace Lily]

Hi everyone, seems I'm back here again after a bad weekend and feeling broken hearted again. Not sure what is making me feel that way but guessing it is my unNM's  reaction after very brief hoovering.

At the end of July I posted about meeting up with my parents aft nearly 2 years (the first year NC and the second VVLC). This went well, but I knew it was really a hoovering attempt. However, I think I thought the hoovering would go on a very long time, perhaps until the end of their lives, but it has already ended! I thought my Nmum would be different -BIG mistake!

Most of my contact has been emails (only 2 phone calls - one yesterday) and nearly all our TOTALLY NEGATIVE and self pitying - guilt inducing souls destroying gloom and doom about how she is so ill she cannot go out. After receiving her birthday card for example, she said "thank you for the good wishes, BUT ... and then went on ad nauseum about how everything from the meal, to her being ill afterwards was horrible - plus, as always, too much graphic detail about the illness.

I have responded with medium chill emails.

That's the recent background. So about 10 days ago, the hospital in the town where I come from phoned me to say my cousin (Dad's nephew and my Dad is his next of kin) is in hospital, has been in intensive care. They phoned me after 2 weeks as my number is on his records from a previous hospital stay. He has no close family and has not contacted us for months and months. Until I came Out of the FOG I was there for him, even though I know I'm his 3rd favourite cousin, but I haven't been "looking out for him", worrying about him (he is an addict), going over and banging on his door when I don't get a response from him to check he is still alive (I have done this in the past and he didn't answer, I had to stake his place out until he came out just to check he was OK). So I have learned I can't really help him practically, I have given plenty of advice in the past and all has been ignored and his life has spiralled out of control. I thought, I have to take care of myself. He knows where I am and that I will help if he needs me. No family went to see him in hospital until the weekend as no one even knew he was there.

In the hospital I asked him if there was anyone he would like me to let know where he was. I was thinking of his favourite aunt who he used to speak to every week, but he said no... you could tell you Mum and Dad.  What??????  Last time he was in hospital, when I was still in the FOG he begged and pleaded with me not to tell them and so I didn't.  He didn't come to my big birthday party as my parents were giving him a lift and he could't bear my NM's constant talking.... but he'd be happy for her to turn up at his bedside!!! When my Nmum eventually found out  about this previous stay in hospital (FOC let cat out of bag), I was abused for not telling her! I double checked - yes tell them, I'd like a phone call.

So Peace Lily thinks, it is quite a complicated health story, it would be kinder to be brave and phone with this information. Immediately I knew something was wrong from my Dad's voice and lack of NM in background interrupting.  He said he might manage a text as he is confused by cousin's refusal to answer the phone to him and because my NM is very ill. He passed me over and I got more from NM in person of how ill she is and they can't go out. Holiday in April to be cancelled! BUT here comes the BIGGIE for me and why I feel so broken hearted - at least I think this is the main reason. She decided this was a good time, in the middle of her wailing, to bring up the past. 2 years ago when I did not attend my niece's and wedding! (I won't go into the details - but suffice it to say that my niece has diagnosed BPD and was abusing me at the time). She picked up the same argument from 2 years ago about he numbers of people  at the wedding and how much it cost and..... I stopped listening - did not jade. Circular conversation right? My parents have only been in contact with her for the past 5 years as I re-introduced them after years of NC between them.  Now they are fully behind her and swallow every lie. My niece's son is very ill with cancer and I am not supposed to know about it, but NM was happy to fill me in and accuse me of not supporting my niece.  I messaged my niece when he was diagnosed and offered support as it was terrible news and I don't think anyone should have to go through that, but her response which I expected to be negative was a complete character assassination of me. I did JADE at this point... I DID send supportive message and got a negative response. But she made excuses for her - she was very upset, well yes of course she was, but me persisting with unwanted attempts at support would only make her feel worse.

I am weary, I have had ENOUGH of all this total craziness.  I am left feeling guilty (resisting), helpless and
alone. I will NEVER be able to make it right. My mother will NEVER stop. Will I EVER let go? Can I bear the judgement of others who think I should be DOING SOMETHING about all of this. Traditionally I am the family fixer.. but I just CAN'T do it anymore.

Total vent! Thanks for reading if you got this far!

[SunnyMeadow]

It's madness isn't it? You'd think a parent who wants a relationship with their child would behave in a nice, light and happy manner when given a chance to try and make things right. Apparently they really are incapable! It's mind boggling and sad.

If I was causing grief and stress and my child stopped talking to me, I'd follow their rules to make it right.

Most of my contact has been emails (only 2 phone calls - one yesterday) and nearly all our TOTALLY NEGATIVE and self pitying - guilt inducing souls destroying gloom and doom about how she is so ill she cannot go out. After receiving her birthday card for example, she said "thank you for the good wishes, BUT ... and then went on ad nauseum about how everything from the meal, to her being ill afterwards was horrible - plus, as always, too much graphic detail about the illness.

Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. I have used all the same words to describe my communications with her. Not long before my uPDmom sent me an epic email of woe-is-me, self pitying and guilt inducing drivel.....she sent one little tiny email that was a zinger of something she thought I had done wrong two years ago. I read it and was like  , replied very blandly "oh sorry I didn't realize that bothered you" then came the huge email.

What a terrible way to live life with everything being so awful. What's the point of a life like that? I guess getting attention in any way they can. It's pathetic.

I thought my Nmum would be different -BIG mistake!

Same here, I allowed my mom to try and save face and started vLC with her again after a period of NC. She's been backing off the guilt inducing stuff and keeping it light-ish. Every once in a while she slips up. I'm waiting for another blow up and I don't care. To me, each time it happens I feel less and less for her. She's only in my life because she's old as dirt and I had a terrible time thinking of dumping her forever. It's certainly not for any real and deep feeling about her as my mother.

I have certain phrases I use in my head when I think of her crap treatment of me, husband and my children. The phrases are like mantras I say to myself and involve creative combinations of curse words. They are how I really feel about her, they help me diminish her in my mind.

Vent away! I may vent later after seeing my PD mom today. 

[Peace Lily]

Sunny Meadow, thank you and I am sorry you find yourself in a similar situation. I don't understand it either, even after all these years. You give them a chance, but They seem to think you're back to normal. " A good dose of emotional blackmail / guilt tripping and Peace Lily will be back to herself fixing all the broken relationships in the family" . Only problem is that, due to exiting the FOG her guilt buttons are not fully functioning and she is the one with the broken relationships.

Your mother also brought something up from 2 years ago?!? If they are not going to deal with the problems, why don't they just leave them under the rug? I suppose that is the problem with the rug - the problems stay their unresolved and fester in the PD person's mind like a boil full of puss that eventually pops. I honestly thought my NM would not bring it up again as she would not want to lose me again and she actually told me she NEVER wanted to discuss what happened EVER again!

I totally agree with you that life must be terrible for our mothers (and my Dad) living in such negativity all the time. They cannot see the good in anything, including their own children. I understand you when y say you care less and less about your mother. I think I only feel sorry for my mother who did not manage to break free of the FOG and her own abusive parents. I used to say I don't like my mother, but I did love her, but I think even then I was deceiving myself. It is not easy to love someone who shows you zero empathy or affection.

My parents are also elderly and it scares me to think how it will all end.. I'm still hoping to be there for them, but with strong boundaries in place. This could be an impossible ask of myself.

Sunny Meadow, I don't know the circumstances of you seeing your mother today, but I sincerely hope it goes well and doesn't leave you feeling damaged. Well done for even doing it - I know how much strength it takes.