I keep going to the past...

[Roza]

I have been told that I keep going back into the past.  My siblings  are BD and SY.  BD was the golden child of my mom, and SY was the favorite of my dad.  I get it I grew up faster than most kids bcz my parents were abusive, both mentally and physically.  I was the scapegoat.  I was the oldest and I spoke English so I was the translator for the family and the person to handle all adult matters.  I did the best I could, I felt like a doormat.  Everyone would use me and it was expected that I would do everything for everyone.  This was normal for me.  I was a people pleaser.  I didn't was trouble so I took it.  But I guess that was wrong bcz that is what people except all the time.  My parents are now dead and I was the one who had to handle all the affairs. 
Fast forward to now and I am the greedy, entitled, mean-spirited, controlling bitch.  That I need to go seek professional help bcz I have changed after the death of the parents.  I feel relief, is was I feel.  I was always walking on eggshells with my family.  Afraid to rock the boat so I would always do as I was told. Now my siblings are using my adult daughter, who I am extremely proud of, to make me feel horrible.  I actually am making an appointment to get therapy because I feel like I am losing myself, I want to die, bcz it would be easier, I cry all the time, I don't know what the 2 witched want from me.  I am mentally tired, after dealing with both parents in their end of life situations.  They never liked me but I am the one who took care of them until the end.  I guess I am upset bcz I didn't have parents that showed me any kind of love. Sure food, shelter, and that kind of stuff, but no real feelings.  I was going to end up a nothing, I was worthless, I was a whore since the age of 10(that is when I got my period), I was a dumb jackass.
I have know that BD had narcissistic behavior, like my mom, she was a bully as a kid to me only. Outside of the house she was picked on for being heavy and that made her lash out at me at home.  I was the friendly one and people always talked to me.  I had problems of my own, but I had to persevere.  Many family members always said that I was smiley and happy all the time.  This might have been true, but I did hide all the hurt and abuse I was dealing with at home. Sy was 10 years younger and I was her caretaker from 4 months until I left the house.  My parents were 45 yrs.  and I was the adult that took care of things. 
Why are my siblings being so mean to me?  I have not done anything to ever hurt them, I was their shield, their voice and this is the treatment I get?  Why can't they understand that I am tired?  Why are they using my daughter against me?  I sometimes feel like I am going to have a stroke or heart attack.  My mind races to understand why are they bothering me?  My daughter said that this is my siblings way of getting me to go to therapy.  For me to see my child cry bcz she is afraid for me, hurts more than anything.  I have to be strong for my child, but my siblings should never have brought her into it.  I get it, we are a messed up family, but I wanted to break the cycle.  I never did or said any of the things my parents did to my kids.  I am bursting with pride. My kids are the BEST thing in my life, other than my husband who has seen first hand what a crazy life I had living at home.
I am totally spent mentally. I want BD and SY to just leave me alone.  I have been their protector for so long and now that the parents are gone I want to live my life.  I want to focus on me and my family.  I don't want to deal with BD's dogs, (I am not a pet person ) she uses them as her "babies" and I can't deal with it.  Animals are NOT people and you can't force me to like them. I just want peace and tranquility now. Is that so hard to understand?  Am I wrong with wanting that?  I feel drained. But after my mom's death a HUGE burden has been lifted. 

[ravenlkawritingdesk]

Sending you love and support - there is nothing wrong with wanting peace. I am so glad you're seeking some help in therapy, that is pretty much always a good idea IMO. I hope you get some of that peace soon. <3

[Penny Lane]

Hi Roza and welcome.

So sorry you've had to find yourself here. It sounds like you've been on quite the journey.

I'm so glad to hear you've made an appointment with a therapist - I have found a therapist to be instrumental in my own healing process.

I hope you can find a way to create the peace and tranquility you're seeking - with or without the help of your siblings.

See you around on the boards.

[Roza]

Thank you for the wonderful words if support. I am going bcz as I said I am drained from all the mental anguish for all those years..

[PeanutButter]

Hi roza i am so sorry that you are experiencing this abuse from your siblings while grieving the recent loss of your mother and previous loss of your father.
I hope you wont mind me sharing the thoughts I had while reading your post. Take any thing that might help you and disregard the rest.
It wasnt right for them to use your daughter to get at you. I think that this was a calculated move on their part (triangulation) to involve her in order to get you to a react in a way (baiting) that supported what they told her about you (smear campaign) IME she has no idea what is happening (unwitting flying monkey) because they have lied to her.
IMO you can let your daughter know that you appreciate her concern but that you need to keep these issues just between you and your siblings because there is a history there you have reason to believe that they do not have your best interest at heart. You could tell her she doesnt need to worry that it has any affect on yours and hers relationship you love her unconditionally. Then just dont discuss it with her. If she tries just remind her calmly that you love her so you absolutely will not pull her in the middle of it the way her aunts have.
Then if you want to take a break from your siblings, do it!  If anyone asks tell them you are following the advice of a therapist with lots of experience in family systems and enmeshment. 
Whatever you do keep coming back here. This is a wonderful community. We are all learning as we go.
  Take care of yourself. You are worthy! You deserve love and support!

[Roza]

Peanutbutter, thank you so much. I have been doing just that. I know that we had a horrible upbringing and I tried to shield them from it, but they want me to grow up. I have grown up too fast. I am just drained from being the one to do everything. 
I really do like it here. So much help..

[PeanutButter]

 Roza, I cant imagine how much you must just need a break from it all. You have 'carried' your family for all these years. You didnt get to be a child. Noone took care of you. You took care of everyone but yourself.
YOU have to save yourself now. Give yourself permission to let go.
  I just thought of something jerry wise family systems on you tube talked about when you start healing the family members may say "oh we dont like this" "whats wrong with you" "you have changed" "we dont like this new you, you were better before" but what is really happening is that you are setting boundaries and finally stepping out of the role that was created for you by the dysfuntional family.
IMO it sounds like your siblings are very uncomfortable that you are not going to continue in 'your role' now that the parents are gone.
If it was me I think I take their unhappiness as a sign that I was heading in the right direction for my health and well being.

[Roza]

Peanutbutter, I actually started to cry after I  read what you wrote. You are so correct,  my life was mostly adult, no time to be a kid. I got a job at 15, and I tried to stay away from home as much as possible.  It was pure hell, but I guess I played it off very well, bcz no one in the family knew. I was always happy and smiling. My siblings were not like that at all. They have a very bad attitude,  like screw everyone if they don't get their way.
Thank you again, this made my day....

[bloomie]

Hi Roza. It sounds like things have been very hard for a long time with your siblings. I am thankful you have reached out for support and encouragement as you find the best way forward in all of this. Thankful that you have a family of choice - hubby and kids, that support you and bring you joy.

Just a note... we moved this thread over to the Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members board as you had already posted an intro post on the Welcome Mat. This is a great board to get the best possible support for these ongoing issues with your siblings.

We welcome you and are so glad you joined us!

[Roza]

Thank you, learning the ropes.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Roza - and welcome! 

I can feel the pain in your post, and I'm so sorry.   

I'm going to tell you something you may not realize:  YOU have the ability to make all of it stop by blocking your sisters on ALL formats (cell phone, texting, emails  go to spam, Twitter, FB, LinkedIn, etc). 

YOU have the power and can wrest your life from two people, well, who sound quite hostile and negative.  You don't need to hear any more of it. 

Take a few  breaths and say, "I deserve better.  I do NOT need the continued abuse and harassment, nor have I EARNED it.  I am NOT the bad person they claim I am..." - and you might find you are, indeed ready to  block them.

You hold the key to your cell, in your hand, and don't see it yet - but now that you know it's right there, you can use it and be FREE.   

I agree with PeanutButter - tell your DD  that there's a lot of history she doesn't know, and you'd appreciate if she just stayed out of it.  It's really none of her concern, and them trying to drag her into it is UNFAIR to your DD.

Oh yes..."You've CHANGED!"  - no, you really haven't, but those are words used to make you feel like you've done something wrong and must *apologize,* appease and fix a situation *that is a figment of their own imaginations.*   

Once you block the Unholy Duo, things are going to get *really* interesting:  this system cannot survive without a scapegoat, so another MUST be chosen - I suspect it will be your DD, as a way to try to  get to you.

Tell her the same things you're learning:   you don't deserve it, you don't have to keep taking it, and she can block them and get on with her life.  It's not you, and it's not your DD - it's your two sisters who are the problem and keep stirring the pot.

Once you and your DD are safely on the sidelines and happily NC, they'll find others to scapegoat, and quickly find their circle dwindling, because people don't *like* it.

Or they may try love-bombing you, or finding ways around your blocks (using the phone of another person, having another person call you and tell you they're faaaaaaaamily and you can't do this to them!) - ignore the love bombing (it's all lies), and block the Flying Messenger Monkey, too.

Or they may start a smear campaign - ignore it, and if others mention it to you, I'd shrug and say, "I really don't know what they're talking about.  Anyway..." - and change the subject back to something more pleasant. 

Smart, sane people are going to figure out pretty quickly where the problem really lies - and it's not you, because you're not the one who won't shut up about it

Anybody who qualifies as a minion or FMM *will* buy into it, so blocking them on an as-needed basis is the way to go.

You deserve better.  Nobody has the *right* to treat you so poorly, and expect you to keep coming back for more. 

You can unlock your cell, free yourself and live in the light - and leave them behind in the rear-view mirror, where they belong. 

[Roza]

WomanInterrupted,

Thank you for the wonderful words of support and encouragement.   I really am trying to get out of this horrible cycle.

[Hopelessly stuck]

Hi Ross,
My family was much like yours. I was the scapegoat and was responsible for raising the kids in the family. In fact I was really a surrogate parent to my siblings.there are many good replies here so I will share my experiences.
FOO hate it when you start to set boundaries. Siblings and FOO will complain about the "new path You've taken yes, You have changed FOO may no longer USE you as they did before. You are no longer allowing them to use You any more. That is good for You to see that YOU are getting better and now you are rocking the boat. You need to do whatever helps You heal.

I had a heart attack a few years back. My Doctors said I needed to let go of the people causing me "stress" I am VLC with both My uNPD Mom and Sister. Just this week BPD Sis tried to start a new smear campaign against me. She Asked and said to me when we were talking about Inbreed dogs....Why did You have a smirk on Your face? It looked like YOU were remembering a time when You were having incest and ENJOYED it! I blasted her...I also saved the text... later she starts a joint text with uNPD Mom. I copy and pasted the Whole conversation with BPD sis and told MY side and said I was never going to say anything about it again. BPD Sis didn't text again and C. NPD Mom said She wasn't going to read All that crap. I said I didn't care if She read it that was her choice.

I just realized lately my Mom is the queen Bee and that She being the queen Bee handles everything a Covert NPD That She is behind many of these attacks.

You got good advice concerning Your daughter. Now that I am not around to be the "scapegoat" they are priming her for the position. GC's kids have both been in jail and prison for dealing drugs and using meth and heron. of course all this is swept under the carpet. My daughter is the scapegoat because she is a single parent with 2 kids and likes to socialize.

uBPD's son is 40 and supports his mother and She won't allow him to date or have any lady friends...He is in the role of her husband. He works hard and She spends his money on herself mostly.

Keep on doing what is right for You!  It is not easy but well worth the work. I am physically and mentally in better health than I ever was. My blood pressure was down to 69/102 which is what it was when I was in My 20's. Hugs to You