I think SD understands BPDbm more than we originally thought

[athene1399]

Near the end of last fall, SD decided she wanted to stay only with BM. SO and I were heartbroken, but we let her do it. I think her staying there helped her to better understand BM and I think she may be on her way Out of the FOG.

SD is starting college and is staying in a dorm. SO, BM and I helped move her in the other day. BM and SD argued the entire time. There were no problems between SD and us. It seemed that when BM wouldn't let SD have her own opinion or make her own choices that SD pushed back. At one point, SD was trying to move an object in her room and BM kept telling her to put it somewhere else. Finally SD said "Can't I be independent for one second?"  I turned away and smiled. Throughout the day, SD even called BM out on her bad behavior, "Why are you acting like a child?" "Why are you being so immature?" BM kept throwing mini-tantrums if she couldn't get her way. It appeared to us that SD notices that her mom's behavior isn't normal (for a lack of a better descriptor word).

I wasn't sure if we should have said something to SD later on about how BM was acting. She kept calling SD names, giving her the finger, and telling her how unpleasant she was being if she didn't let BM do whatever she wanted to do. Basically when SD enforced her boundaries, BM threw a temper tantrum in an attempt to get her way. SD never gave in. I wasn't sure if we should have said something later, like,  "sorry your mom was being a pain". SO thought we shouldn't say anything because SD seems embarrassed by her mom's behavior at times or in the past has gotten defensive.  So we just left it alone.

I did remind SD that she can put an auto-response on her phone if she's busying doing classwork and doesn't want to be disturbed. She loved that idea (Thank you, SL. I believe that was your idea  ). I think BM did set it up to invite herself over later. She left boxes at the dorm that she was supposed to take with her. SO and I thought about taking them so BM didn't have an excuse to pop by later, but figured she would stop by regardless. But the good news it it appears SD if good at enforcing her boundaries, even if it leads to BM being verbally abusive and SD doesn't give in. It was difficult for SO and I to watch BM treat SD like that, but us stepping in would have made things worse and it seemed like SD knew how to handle it. It made me wonder why SD decided to stay with BM for so long when she's so aggravating, but I'll probably never know the answer to that. SO and I made an excuse to leave so we didn't have to be there longer. SD remembered she had some stuff at our place, so we went back to get it. BM was still there when we returned so we asked if SD wanted to stay with mom or pick up stuff from the store with us. We told her we could always get stuff from the store another day. SD said she wanted to get the supplies for her dorm then, so asked BM to leave so she could come with us. At the time, BM was trying to take SD somewhere to get a snack.

We were disturbed by the verbal abuse, but relieved that SD sticks with her boundaries. I hope she has a good experience dorming. And maybe once she's away from BM, she won't want to live with her again. Plus SO and I give SD autonomy, where BM doesn't. And I think at this point in her life, SD wants her independence. I'm so glad she does. Sometimes I was worried BM was making SD too dependent on her. I am less worried now about everything (but a little worried about what BM's verbal abuse may have done to SD over the past school year).

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Athene,

That's so great!  Sounds like SD may have a good hold on the situation.

IMO it's best not to call out BM's behavior, that will just make SD feel badly.  You could though, praise SD and just say something to the effect of "that was a pretty chaotic day, and I was really impressed with how maturely you handled everything!"

[Penny Lane]

Never underestimate the power of peer pressure/the need for independence!

I think that's kind of what we're seeing with DSS too. He accepted it when BM would get in the way of his relationship with DH, because he knew DH loved him unconditionally. But now that she's getting in the way of his social life - well that feels like a CRISIS because like most preteens he feels like he's on unstable ground with his friends.

Maybe it's the same for your SD? She'll put up with the behavior towards her at home but not when it's getting in the way of her college experience? And you've given her the skills to push back on her mom's behavior in a healthy way.

I had to laugh at "Why are you acting like a child?" "Why are you being so immature?" I want to ask our BM those questions every single day! Good for your SD, to call out the behavior for exactly what it is! I only hope my stepkids will have that level of understanding at such a young age.

I'm with you on worrying about the verbal abuse. When I see stuff like that I try to remind myself - it feels like a crisis right now but it's actually been going on this whole time. And we have known that it's happening and that's why we're working so hard to counteract it in other ways. So even if you say nothing, it's not because you're doing nothing it's because the solution lies in other things.

I would be split on whether to say something afterward. Like SL says, it likely will make her defensive. But on the other hand I'd hate to think that my stepkids knew I saw abuse against them and that inadvertently I gave them the impression that I thought it was OK to be treated that way. I think it probably comes down to your relationship with them, and I would always err on the side of saying less. Like SL said, complimenting her handling of it is a good kind of backdoor into acknowledging that something wasn't right so that's probably the best middle ground solution here.

I hope you feel good! It sounds like she is well on her way to being a healthy adult! And that's the best we can hope for, really.

[athene1399]

Thank you guys. I think SL had the best way to talk about it without really talking about it specifically. It praises how SD acted without saying, "Good job enforcing your boundaries with BM." It's a "great job" in general. I think her counselor may have been helping her out, so I also told SD there's free counseling services on campus in case she want to continue working on her anxiety and stuff.

Penny, I think your step kids are really starting to get it too and question things. SD was around 10 when her parents separated and by the time she was 13 she was pretty alienated from SO when BM came back into the picture (which was ironically around the same time we started dating). It was a rough 2 years, but we were able to keep the custody agreement as it was (BM wanted sole custody). Then it felt awful last school year when SD said she wanted to stay with BM. I wanted to fight that too and SO said to let it go. Looking back, I'm so glad we did let it go.

We knew early on BM was trying to make SD dependent on her, so we worked hard to make SD feel capable of doing things on her own. Now SD wants to do stuff on her own and BM is trying to stop her from being independent. Now that I've seen it first hand, I understand why they butt heads all the time. Then when we took SD shopping for supplies later on, we had no arguments and no attitude. I hope she noticed something like "Wow, I only fight with mom when she doesn't let me be independent." But I think she already understands that.

I know we're only two days into SD being on her own, but so far things have been great and BM's not contacted SO once. I'm going to enjoy that while it lasts, because I know it won't. So and I have already discussed not responding to BM anyway. She doesn't have a job (where they have to discuss insurance payments) so there is no reason to talk to her.

I want to thank everyone again for always being there for us. No matter how small my problem or triumph is, someone always says something encouraging or helpful. This site is a great community. I can never say that enough. You are all an amazing support group. I wish I found this site sooner, but am so glad I found it at some point. You have helped so much.