Why do I always come back?

[Roza]

I grew up in a house with a mom and dad who fought daily. My mother from what I understand head narcissistic tendencies. Everything was always about her how other people saw her what would other people say about her and of course manipulation to get what she wanted when she wanted it she would guilt me all the time I was scared of my own shadow.
I was the scapegoat, I was told I was a nothing I was worthless I'd amount to nothing oh my favorite, I was a hore at the age of 10 because I got my period Which I didn't know what it was at the time. I was blamed for everything that ever happened in the house. My father drink a lot and he would get out of control and take it out on the kids, I was the oldest so I took the most. My mother didn't care because he wasn't beating her anymore he was taking it out on us.
Both my parents are now deceased, I thought I had a good relationship with my sisters, but apparently that too is a lie. One of my sisters is is narcissistic as our mother, the other sister was my father's favorite, they both are accusing me of being cruel, mean-spirited, entitled, cold-hearted and downright mean.
All of this started with them because I cannot agree to have my sister's pet the dogs running around a lake house that was just cleaned up, she allows them to run around her house all over and her house smells to high heaven. I said why don't we keep them in one room instead of contaminating the whole house, she tells me I'm cruel that these are her babies and they have every right to be in the house all over Wherever Whenever. This is the first time I asserted myself in my 50 years, I have always tried to make peace because I didn't want to have problems.
Because I stood up for myself it makes me a bad person and I have been feeling horribly ever since.

[bloomie]

Roza - I am sorry this has slipped down the page a bit. You are asking some really important questions.

Because I stood up for myself it makes me a bad person and I have been feeling horribly ever since.

It is perfectly understandable that it would feel horrible to have this kind of verbal abuse... yes, someone calling us: "cruel, mean-spirited, entitled, cold-hearted and downright mean" and refusing to engage in respectful discussion if we disagree on the limits for dogs in a home, is bullying and abusive behavior imv.

Why do I always come back?

I can only tell you why I kept coming back to relationships that were hurting me with my own family members, one sibling in particular. I was holding out hope.

My relationship with a uBPDsibling I have been NC with for 8 years now was forged in the chaos, confusion and often violent atmosphere of our parent's home. We had clung to each other in the storm and I had formed a deep bond of love and loyalty to him that transcended common sense as his serious struggles with addiction and high conflict behavior became clear.

And yet I still held out hope. That he would get clean, healthy, straightened out, able to be a trustworthy and emotionally mature person, if only I held on and absorbed the inconsistent reinforcement and painful push-pull he offered in relationship with me.

Learning about something called trauma bonding and working through co-dependency recovery has been so healing and helpful for me. I was conditioned to be vulnerable to people who were broken and truly unavailable for healthy, respectful, reciprocal relationships.

It may sound counterintuitive, but in my own case I had to get real clear on what is mine to work on and how to develop healthy relationships with my siblings and other important people in my life. What I found with my uBPD sibling is that he was not interested in a relationship with me if it required him to be responsible, respectful, and reasonably reciprocal in his behaviors.

A couple of really great articles that have been enlightening to me and are short and to the point that delve into the concepts of trauma bonding and codependency:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/

[PeanutButter]

"All of this started with them because I cannot agree to have my sister's pet the dogs running around a lake house that was just cleaned up, she allows them to run around her house all over and her house smells to high heaven. I said why don't we keep them in one room instead of contaminating the whole house, she tells me I'm cruel that these are her babies and they have every right to be in the house all over Wherever Whenever." Quote from Roza

Hi Roza. So glad you are still here taking one day at a time and each small step towards making yourself number one.
I was thinking about my own journey and the realization I had that the catalysts that started it all was not at all when and where it all had started. I began to rethink everything and reavuluate each of my FOO relationships. I did that using the new information I had about what 'love' looks and feels like, and by asking myself questions like 'what do I want' and 'what am I expecting' from these people in my life.
The answers were painful but eye opening. In fact I was giving to them what I wanted to get from them but it was never reciprocated.
Once I could see that it was a long history of a pattern of manipulation, disrespect, and hurtfulness, the topic of the last episode was not as important as the underlying issue:
Why was I willing to allow people to treat me this way?
I think I didnt love myself. I think because my own mother didnt show love to me that deep down I thought I was unlovable.
It is really hard work for me each and every day to get to these deeply ingrained yet unconscious beliefs and replace them with new truths.
What Bloomie said is so insightful and wise. I have learned so much from reading her posts.