Am I being unreasonable?

[Roza]

I have several siblings, but one who has been a bully to me all my life, and she feels nothing for it. She jumped down my throat telling me I need to get therapy because I cannot get past our childhood. She has made poor life choices and is lashing out at me which I don't think is fair, never was fair. When my parents were alive even into adulthood I had to apologize for my siblings Behavior and actions towards other family members. I always had to clean up her messes,I was the people pleaser.
We inherited my parents lake house which we are to share, however my sibling refuses to compromise on her pets. I suggested she keep them in one room not to contaminate the whole house. She got angry because those are her babies and they are allowed everywhere in her home. Her home smells horribly no one would want their house to smell like dog. She does not discipline them whatsoever, and I don't see a problem with keeping them in one room instead of letting them roam the whole house. I was told that I am cruel, cold hearted, and that I have no feelings. I have been feeling horrible for the last few weeks because of those comments. I've never been any of those words, I have always been there for my family, our mother had narcissistic tendencies. I'm just looking to vent because I don't want to burden my loving husband or my children with this problem. I have tried to move on but this sibling is Relentless and wants her way. I'm standing up for myself for the first time and this is scary.

[PeanutButter]

I am questioning the sincerity of her advice for you to go to therapy. It may be that she said it as a way to try to insult you. IMO
Even if therapy may help you to heal from the tramatic childhhod you lived and you do want to go, IME I dont think helping you is what S really had in mind. It seems to be an attempt to control you by shaming and blaming you.
I have been helped by dr jerry wise. He is an expert on family systems and enmeshment. This reminded me of his you tube videos about confusion and self differentiation:
IME If you are not any of those things that S is saying about you, then she is not making much sense at all. Is she confused? If she really believes what she says about you, then that is confusing since it is not based in reality. Is she projecting her confusion and disconnect from reality onto you (scapegoating)? Could this be why she says therapy for you is needed? M taught her 'roza will always pick up her fall out, clean up her messes, and apologise for her'.... so, if SHE is mentally unwell then ROZA needs to therapy to fix it for her. 
I think there is good reason to not take any of her comments to heart. You know the truth. For whatever reason S does not. So her comments about you, about what you need to do, and about what you shouldnt do are all irrelevant.
Sorry for my rambling thoughts. Im kinda triggered because I relate alot to your story. I am also scapegoat, with two sisters too. I always hid behind a smile pretending every thing and everyone was wonderful. I was also bullied at home by uhpds.
Take care.

[Roza]

Peanutbutter, thank you so much. I will go to see my doctor but for my own well being. I guess I have to clean up her messes even after our NPD moms death.  I am just tired and I want to take care of me for once. Thank you for the beautiful words of wisdom.

[Starboard Song]

Step 1 for everyone reading this: fix your wills now! Leaving real estate to be "shared" never ever works, and only causes pain. I don't care if your great-grandaddy built it by hand and hosted FDR in the livingroom, houses are assets and should be treated as any other financial asset in your wills.

Ok. Had to get that off my chest.

You have such a challenge here, really, because the dispute you are having is very legitimate even in the absence of dysfunction. Your parents have dumped an asset on each of you to share. One that perhaps neither of you can afford half of. And the sort of asset -- a home -- that naturally requires the best of relationships to share well.

Honestly, I'd propose selling it for cash and getting out of this mess with a lot of cash and no fuss about dogs. I suspect that this problem would be just about as big in the absence of the hard history.

Good luck!

[WomanInterrupted]

Starboard - AMEN to Step 1!   

I didn't see this when I replied last night, and suggest you contact a *lawyer* immediately. 

I think your best bet is to sell the property, if it's such a bone of contention, but if you can't do that without all parties being in agreement, I'd ask the lawyer if you can hand off the responsibilities of it to one of your sibs. 

I'd also ask the lawyer about stipulating something about ALL parties receiving equal parts of the sale price, in the event the property is eventually sold. 

Why?

I think your sib with the dogs is probably going to wind up with the property and once she does, will realize she's in over her head and can't afford the taxes, bills, upkeep, and coordinating who is staying, and for what amount of time.

She'll probably want to offload it, ASAP - having a lawyer draw  up something will make sure you don't get left out in the cold, and if you are, you'll be able to sue.   

Once those papers are drawn up, I'd go No Contact and have ALL correspondence to any of your sibs go through your lawyer. 

I have to add - I've had pets for over 30 years - dogs, cats and parrots.  If we asked if our dogs could  come and were told no, it wasn't a problem.  We hired a pet sitter instead. 

If we were asked to confine our dogs - again, not a biggie.  We are *guests.*

But your sister wants to use the place as her own personal...whatever...and it sounds like her dogs are going to trash it, which is why I suggest having HER take on the responsibilities of the property   - if she's the responsible party, she may treat it better (HAH!), and it'll be her own damned fault if the place takes a massive loss because it smells like a kennel.   

If she doesn't want the responsibility, hand it over to the other sib and let them duke it out, while you stay safely out of the fray. 

Know your rights.  Know what you can do to unburden yourself of this situation - call a LAWYER, who can advise you, and it'll probably be the best money you've ever spent! 

You will have *peace of mind.*   

And that's all most of us really want!   

[LemonLime]

"I was told that I am cruel, cold hearted, and that I have no feelings. I have been feeling horrible for the last few weeks because of those comments. I've never been any of those words, I have always been there for my family, our mother had narcissistic tendencies. I'm just looking to vent because I don't want to burden my loving husband or my children with this problem. I have tried to move on but this sibling is Relentless and wants her way. I'm standing up for myself for the first time and this is scary."

Yes, this is what PDs do when they feel out of control.   They load on the FOG....Fear, Obligation and Guilt.   My uBPD sis does the same to me.   When she feels she's been "bested" by me because I've put up boundaries to her out-of-control random raging, she starts in with things like:
"you know Dad is elderly and won't be around long.  It hurts me so much that your daughter has not asked him about his life stories.  You are a terrible person for not forcing your daughter to do that right now".   
"You are ruining Dad and Mom's vacation because you are making things so difficult here"  (by telling her calmly that she may not rage at me)   
"Your children aren't spending enough time with me, and I came so far to see you all.   You are not a good mom.   If you can make your kids wear sunblock, you can make them spend more time with their aunt.   It's not that difficult."  (she has no kids of her own)

She actually said all of these things to me in rapid-fire after I set up boundaries for her.  It's like she was grasping desperately for control, throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me in order to try to regain some semblance of control.   I think that in her world, feeling secure and in control means CONTROLLING OTHERS. 
When my face stayed neutral after the first insult, she tried another.   Then another.   Just searching for a reaction from me.  And I didn't give her one, and that drove her nuts.

Now that I know what she's doing, it's a little funny (and sad) to see her trying all her tricks at once, like someone desperately digging in a toolbox to fix a leaking pipe, then discarding the tool because it didn't work and grabbing another tool, any tool, to stop the flood.   I do feel sad for her.  Very sad that these are her only coping skills.   She needs DBT very desperately but I doubt she will ever believe she needs help.   It's all of us other screwed up people that need help.   

The tool that has helped me stay neutral and cool in the face of a barrage of very personal, targeted insults?   Meditation.   I've been meditating 10 minutes per day for a year.   It's as if I'd been lifting weights every day and then when I needed my muscle, it was there.   I stood there calmly, heart rate not even elevated, face neutral, no adrenergic cascade occurring in my body.   No stress response to speak of.    She is red in the face and completely emotionally dysregulated.   I think the contrast between how she knows she looks and how I look makes her even more upset.   Which again is sad, but also a bit satisfying for me.   It means my hard work had paid off.    Only a few years ago, my reaction to her would have been very very different.  I probably would have been shrieking and red in the face, just like her.

When you start setting healthy boundaries, get ready for them to be mad.  As my T said, "you're in a bind.  Setting boundaries will not make her happy.  But not setting them is not good for you or your family, or even for your sister in the long run".

Therapy has helped me a lot.   It's validating, and it keeps me from unloading too much on my hubby.   It's an investment in my family, because it's helping me make healthy choices and stick to them.   It can be lonely being the one to set boundaries.  It's easy to feel like the bad guy.   But I want my kids to have me as a healthy role model of how to deal with this kind of situation.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  I can tell by your post that you are very smart and strong.   Hire some people who will support and help you, just as the other brilliant posts suggest.    Hugs to you!

[Roza]

Thank you for the wonderful words of encouragement...

[PeanutButter]

The tool that has helped me stay neutral and cool in the face of a barrage of very personal, targeted insults?   Meditation.   I've been meditating 10 minutes per day for a year.   It's as if I'd been lifting weights every day and then when I needed my muscle, it was there.   I stood there calmly, heart rate not even elevated, face neutral, no adrenergic cascade occurring in my body.   No stress response to speak of.    She is red in the face and completely emotionally dysregulated.   I think the contrast between how she knows she looks and how I look makes her even more upset.   Which again is sad, but also a bit satisfying for me.   It means my hard work had paid off.    Only a few years ago, my reaction to her would have been very very different.  I probably would have been shrieking and red in the face, just like her.

All of kat1984's such fantastic, dead on advice IMO especially above. Brilliant Kat1984!  :applause:Congratulations on how far you have come!
I also do meditation daily.
I would just add that untill we can get to that mature, healthy, place of non reactive response (like kat1984) its ok to 'act' calm even if we dont feel it yet. Dr Jerry Wise has a youtube video explaining this. (I watch him daily) If inside we dont yet feel calm, just try to put the feelings away for later. Remain calm and neutral on the outside. Eventually, with practice we will remain calm inside too.

[LemonLime]

 

Excellent advice, PeanutButter.   And I did forget to add, that as soon as I could get to a private place, I called a trusted friend and told her the whole story and cried.   As you said, if you can put the feelings away for later, you've nailed it!!

Hats off to all of us, walking this difficult road.

[Roza]

You all are so understanding,  thank you for your kind words.