Offered Unconditional Surrender

[Tricia64]

Dear Everyone,

I have been posting a lot and I want to thank you all for all your caring and responses.

I have been slipping into a more severe depression in the last few weeks.  I have been back and forth with emails with my sisters but I will not stop sending the stuff I believe.  I am really realizing that I don't think there is anyway back anymore.  I know deep in my heart that is what I wish could happen, but it is just not possible for me.  That is what is causing the depression I am sure. 

Anyway, in one of the emails I wrote "I really will miss you all" which I truthfully meant.  I have shared so many things with my sisters and everything wasn't always bad.  That is why I always tried to hold on.

I think I sent that email a few days ago and I got a message from my oldest sister today to me like basically nobody was mad at me and I could come back and just act "normally" or something to that affect.  It is like they have been beating me to a pulp for months mentally and now I can come back (as long as I don't talk about being beaten to a pulp).  I mean I literally feel like I have no energy left in my body from everything and she says it like she is doing me a favor.

When I sent her back what I had meant and what I believe they have done, she just denies everything (I am crazy).  I smoke medical cannabis (my doctor's all know) and she is now saying that I am making all of this up because of the pot.  I said about my email being broken into (I had to change all my passwords with XFinity phone rep (I could not get in without calling)  - never did before and had  same email since 1992) and how I believe it was my other sister (and her) because they were on sending emails at the exact time.  She actually started to call it my "imaginary email hacking".  I felt like I almost couldn't breathe when she called it "imaginary."  I know she would turn it all around, but I suddenly realized when she said that, that how lying and smearing came so easily to her.  It is so hard for me to explain, but I almost feel annihilated by it.

I know it is happening to everyone here, but I can't believe my own sisters would do this.  I am just starting to think I will just never be able to process it, like it is too much for my mind to accept.

Any help or comments are appreciated.  And again, thanks for all the help so far.

Tricia

[SerenityCat]

 

If I was in your situation I would need to stop offering any info about myself to my sisters. I'd do less contact and would keep things light and breezy. Even boring. I would stay out of any in depth circular conversations.

I encourage you to focus on your own health. Severe depression can be addressed. You can have a physical check up to screen other things out. You can start or continue with mental health therapy. You can get updated diagnoses, try meds, try lifestyle changes .......... there are many options to try that may help you out immensely.

You can stop doing what is not working for you. You can start doing things that help you.

I understand the confusion, frustration, and grieving that many of us go through when dealing with our dysfunctional family. For me, I had to firmly take myself out of the unhealthy drama and focus on myself. A physical health check up and mental health therapy helped me immensely.

You can reclaim your own life, recover, and find ways to thrive.

[StayWithMe]

When I sent her back what I had meant and what I believe they have done, she just denies everything (I am crazy).

This is why I believe that when you go NC, just do it.  1), because most people are going to play it down, assuming that you either don't mean to do it and you want a reaction from them or that you will never do it anyway.
2) Not saying anything gives you a chance to calibrate what you plan to do.  I thought about no contact and at this point because my mother chases me, I am VLC.  If I had told I was going to go NC, she would have accused me of threatening her.  Now, I can just say, I've been really busy.

[Tricia64]

I know that I have to go NC but I am having a horrendous time understanding all this.  I honestly never even heard of narcissism as a disease before a year ago.  I found it by googling what was happening.

I knew I had problems with my family but honestly didn't think it was not even nearly what I am seeing now.  Because I don't normally lie, I really assumed my sisters had the same values.  I never, ever thought they would lie straight faced.  And I feel in total shock that this is who they are.  It is like truth has no value and that they just lie if it is convenient.  I can't believe how they just try to mess with my reality.  I hate to say it, but I feel like it seems bordering on evil.  That is why I almost can't accept it.

At first I thought I could feel that it was freeing, now I just feel broken.

[StayWithMe]

It is at times freeing and gives a freeing feeling. 

I chose to go NC / VLC, because I got tired of the nonsensical conversations with my parents.  And I also noticed how she would use info that I gave her against me.  I also figured out that someone she wanted me to be friends with was being a spy for her.

I know what you mean.  It is sad that the one who told you to "be yourself" and to "always tell the truth" is the same person who calls you stupid and uses information you gave them against you.  While people are sad that they have to disconnect from their family, they realize that their life is so much calmer and easier to manage.

[Tricia64]

I guess maybe I was just hoping deep inside that it would change.  I need to learn to accept it for what it is.

My parents were so messed up as parents that when I was starting high school, I literally had nothing for school the day before.  My sister worked in a department store.  I ended up going in and she got me all clothes and shoes for school.  She paid for it with her own money.  She really can be so kind and caring at times.

But somebody messing with me so much of the time is psychologically tormenting.  I just wish it didn't have to be this way.