DH and his thoughts....

[Pepin]

DH and I were talking the other day and he was telling me about a close friend of his and the relationship this guy has with his mother.  In a nutshell, the mother lays massive guilt on her son for not being at her beck and call all the time.  The problem is that her son has to work and his work requires him to travel which his mother hates.  She feels abandoned and YES they live together.  DH's friend is in his 60s, divorced and has grown kids. 

DH told me that he would in no way stand for guilt like that if his mother started acting up. 

I said to DH: the problem though is that a lot of the older generation feel that since they cared for us, that we care for them.  And I get it that some of this is cultural, too.

DH agreed completely....he understands that culture can have a huge impact but then went on to defend his own mother saying that she doesn't play the culture card.   

YES, she does.  My DH is completely blind to the grooming that he has endured.  He operates through guilt...feels badly for PDmil not having what we have or even what he has.  He is sad that she is alone and incapable of caring for herself.  She has no friends, no hobbies, nothing....does nothing. 

Since he cannot understand why she doesn't want what he has, he feels bad for her.  She lives in a tiny bubble and has for a very long time.

DH also said that he would never treat our kids the way his friend's mom is doing....but sadly, he kind of has. 

[all4peace]

Ugh, it's hard to see ourselves sometimes. It seems really great to me, though, that your DH has a clear view of someone who's living an enmeshed life with his mother. Maybe over time he will start to see more of himself in that situation? Maybe it's already starting to sink in a little bit, in that he talked about it with you?

[Pepin]

Ugh, it's hard to see ourselves sometimes. It seems really great to me, though, that your DH has a clear view of someone who's living an enmeshed life with his mother. Maybe over time he will start to see more of himself in that situation? Maybe it's already starting to sink in a little bit, in that he talked about it with you?

Idk....perhaps it is slowly sinking in but I worry that my "expectations" as DH's wife are causing me to feel that it isn't sinking in fast enough.

The difference here that I see is that the PD mother of DH's friend is asking her son to "save" her and she lashes out when he is unable to meet her demands.

In DH's case, he feels that his mother needs "saving" and he lashes out at me and our kids when we are unable to agree with him.

Both situations are not good. 

[all4peace]

No, not good, and it must be really frustrating.

[gettingstronger1]

My DH is completely blind to the grooming that he has endured.

Pepin, I think you bring up a key issue here.  I have noticed the same thing in my husband.  He does not see his mother's grooming of him. He is in complete denial of it.  When I try to talk to him about it he becomes upset with me.  In his defense, it is not any easy thing to hear.  I am telling him something he doesn't want to hear.

Another thing I have observed is that in emotionally unhealthy families, the parents do very unloving and sometimes abusive things to their children and then turn around and tell their children that they love them or that they have a strong wonderful family and everything is good.  This sends a very distorted message to the child about what love is.  They think that abusive behavior is love because that is what their parents told them love was.  Later the child becomes an adult and has a very emotionally unhealthy view of what real love is. The wife then points this out and then the husband becomes angry at the wife for pointing out a reality that he doesn't want to face.

In DH's case, he feels that his mother needs "saving" and he lashes out at me and our kids when we are unable to agree with him.

As I mentioned in the paragraph above, I can relate to your frustration with your husband for being angry or lashing out at you for something his mother did.  It is easier to be angry at the wife instead of at his mother.  Once again, his mother has groomed him to accept an emotionally unhealthy view of what love is.  Very unloving things are done to them, and then they are told how much they are loved by their mothers.  At least this is what happened to my husband.  Maybe a similar dynamic is going on between your husband and his mother and it might explain his anger.  At any rate, these are just some observations I have made in my situation. Obviously each person's situation is unique, but hopefully these observations might be helpful to you. 

I guess a reason that I share these observations is that I came from a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.  I have had a long time to look at the behaviors and try to understand the dynamics of what is going on.  What I am saying is that if I can understand why they are doing these hurtful behaviors and what is causing the hurtful behaviors then I can cope with it alot better.  It doesn't make what they are doing right.  It just makes it easier for me to cope with when I understand why they are the way the are. Because of my need to understand the dynamics of what is going on I went into the field of mental health, got a masters degree, and studied about about abuse and personality disorders. For me knowledge became a source of healing and empowerment. 

[p123]

When I was younger I remember my Dad getting annoyed with my gran. I wasn't really involved-  I was away at college etc - but I do remember hearing stories that she was VERY needy.

I remember my Dad at the time saying to me "If I ever get like that when I'm older then just shoot me!",

Guess what hes like now?