Is it okay to help him through the FOG?

[LTDreamer]

I started a relationship with a man separated from an uNPD and fell for him completely.

He called things off, for the safety of his children, when she found out about us. She started hacking, blackmailing, physically abusing him, and using his parents as flying monkeys in order to make him go back to the relationship.

As an ACON I recognised the symptoms and began to make him aware of PDs. But didn't have time to make a quality plan with him to get away before she managed to isolate him from the support structure he needs.
He told me he couldn't message or speak tome and I want to respect his wishes.

Am I crossing a line giving him the information and pointing him in the right direction to step out from the FOG that she's woven around him?
Would you have preferred someone to help you with your situation sooner or will it look like I'm interfering and cause him to isolate himself more?

[notrightinthehead]

I would have loved it, if someone would have pointed me in the right direction. It would also have scared me and put me under pressure to leave before I was strong enough and ready to do so.
I am always for giving and getting as much information as possible. However, you say he broke it off with you because he fears his wife.  Then that seems to me is his problem to deal with, not yours. Also, you probably only know his side of the story?

As much as you would like to help and might be able to, it might be safer for you to wait until he comes to you and asks for your help.

[Phoenix Rising]

I think some people tried to warn me about one NPDex I had but I didn't leave then just cause they said he was bad.. I left when I was ready to. With another NPD/ASPDex, I would have loved a warning but sometimes one just have to figure things out themselves. That one took 4 years and I'm still in the early stages NC.

I think it is appropriate if he comes to you for help. Just like anyone else one cares about, their stuff is their stuff and your stuff is your stuff. Abuse is never ok and that being said, he has to gather the strength to remove himself from that situation. Notrightinthehead brought up a good point that you only know one side of the story.

A man who is simply separated and is not making conscious moves to end things may not be the best person to get involved with romantically because NPD or not, there are these issues that can occur within marriages that might dissolve (parents wanting to keep family together, snooping for cheating, etc). Do you know for sure that the things he has shared are not things he is doing himself? NPD are also good at smearing the truly innocent party and do things like promise to work things out with the spouse then go off dating new people behind their back.

At the end of the day what's done is done. You were reasonable in sharing what you did but  I would continue to respect that he wants NC. He will come to you and you may choose to be there when he is ready.

[LTDreamer]

Thanks for the advice.

I'm doing my best to stay NC but talking to some friends he appears to be back in a honeymoon phase with her after she physically attacked him.

I am positive everything he told me is the truth, I have know him for years and he wasn't even aware of N personalities until I pointed it out to him.

I'm really struggling with not being able to help him see the dangers and also trying to move on for the sake of my own sanity. I have to see him at work at least 3 times a week and the knowledge of the path he is heading down is killing me. Not to mention the future his kids are destined for.

[Scarlet Runner]

I had one friend, who is a social worker, suggest to me my exUPDbf was perhaps borderline. At the time I looked it up and the symptoms didn't seem to match, but with the perspective I have now I see that many of the symptoms are a match. I think all you can do is plant seeds for a person to either nurture or store until they are ready. It sounds like you have planted the seeds.

I often felt that many people I shared things with were judgemental and didn't understand the whole situation. In reality, they probably understood more than I did because of the FOG. However, I tended to withdraw from sharing any relationship struggles with any friends that seemed judgmental to me. I had two friends that I always felt comfortable sharing with - they just listened and didn't tell me what to do. I felt the most understood and comforted by a friend who, when I shared my confusion and pain over staying in the relationship, would say "You'll know when you know." She was absolutely right, and she was one of the people I felt comfortable talking with when I prepared to leave.